A woman celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette from a candle on her birthday cake. She then put out the birthday candles with 8 pounds of flem.

Things keep getting worse for the President Bush. First, his strategist Karl Rove handed in his resignation. Then yesterday, attorney general Alberto Gonzales announced he’s stepping down. Now today, Laura Bush said she’s leaving the White House to spend more time with her family.

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho has confirmed to pleading guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month which accuses him of making sexual overtures to an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport men’s room. Many note there’s been speculation over Craig’s orientation for years, but now it’s official: he is definitely Republican.

A report released on Tuesday said the United States has 90 guns for every 100 citizens, making it the most heavily armed society in the world and the worst place to cut across your neighbor’s lawn.

The class of 2007 averaged the lowest math and reading SAT scores since 1999. Of course, it’s actually not all that bad if you don’t average in Miss Teen South Carolina’s scores.

The son of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is preparing for deployment to Iraq next year. Around the same time next year, the sons of Mitt Romney are preparing to be deployed to Kinkos.

The White House has announced that President Bush’s daughter Jenna is officially engaged to a former assistant to political strategist Karl Rove. The young man swept Jenna off her feet by making her doubt her other suitors’ patriotism.

Forbes.com has declared Jay-Z the world’s richest rapper. But really, in the world of rap, who’s counting?

Paris Hilton unveiled her clothing line at a trendy boutique yesterday. Paris says of the line, “It's just Paris style: fun, bright and easily removable after two drinks."

Two co-defendants of Michael Vicks say the NFL star helped execute dogs that didn't put up a good fight. And that’s all Vicks’ attorneys needed to hear to know they may not want to phone this one in.

The Mint’s new Thomas Jefferson coin will begin circulating on Thursday. The Mint hopes the coin series helps educate the public on the nation’s early presidents. President Bush hopes the new coin series makes it easier to get Twizzlers out of the White House vending machine.

Karl Rove is busy tying up loose ends at the White House before his upcoming departure. Today, Rove handed over his set of keys to the President and his blue prints for the completion of the Death Star to the Vice President.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani vowed to stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Rudy plans to accomplish this by stationing more angry ex-wives and girlfriends at border check points.

Former Speaker of the House, Rep. Dennis Hastert intends to retire at the end of his current term. A spokesman for Hastert says he wants to spend more time with the three-layer chocolate retirement cake his staff surprises him with, hint, hint.

Courtney Love told Harper’s Bazaar that all her recent weight loss is due to discipline. True. It takes a lot of discipline to call your coke dealer every morning at 3 am, night, after night, after night.

Powerful thunderstorms caused flooding and chaos in New York City this morning, bringing the metropolis to its knees. In other news, al Qaeda has abandoned its pursuit of weapons of mass destruction and has decided to just go with rain dance lessons.

The flooding in NYC was so bad, Michael Bloomberg said “screw the subways” and rode his yacht to City Hall.

**

Last night, Barry Bonds slugged his 756 homerun to become the all time home run champ. For a moment, everyone at AT&T Park forgot about the controversy surrounding the feat, until an elated Bonds reached home plate and pressed his entire family and the on-deck batter over his head in celebration.

President George W. Bush did not call Bonds after the historic home run. He did, however, listen in on all the calls Bonds did receive.

**

A man was snagged smuggling a monkey under his hat onto an airplane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport yesterday. Flight attendants were tipped off about the tiny primate by passengers complaining that the man in the top hat was playing his organ too loud.

A 22-year-old man described as "not fully clothed" jumped the north fence into the White House grounds on Sunday. Isn’t that how the Bush’s twins’ dates usually exit the White House?

Starting today, the New York Times will reduce the width of its pages. Also starting today, the paper’s new slogan will be “All the News that’s fit to”.

A French rap star was booed off stage for supporting newly elected right-wing French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Apparently, rhyming something with “Sarkozy” means nothing to these people.

The Canada government is holding its first census of its shark population. So far, the census has found one shark and one third of the census taker who counted that shark.

The facebook profile of Rudolph Giuliani's daughter shows the 17-year-old is supporting Barack Obama for president. Looks like Rudy won’t be changing his views on abortion anytime soon.