Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Some jokes that haven't mattered for weeks. Possibly a month.

It was revealed this week that a man in California who was convicted of serial murder was a winning bachelor on “The Dating Game” in 1978. This should have been obvious, since every answer he gave on the show started with, “First, I’d murder you.”

According to a new study, this year could be the “tipping point” when the number of babies born to minorities outnumbers that of babies born to whites. I don’t know what it is, but somewhere in here, there’s a great racist pick- up line.

It was unveiled Monday that the design for this year’s New York City official condom wrapper is the power symbol for a computer. Personally, I would have gone with the “Caps Lock” key.

A former US Navy Intelligence officer won the USA Memory Championship last weekend for the second year in a row. Which means he REALLY must be catching hell for forgetting his wife’s birthday last Tuesday.

It’s been announced that President Obama will appear in the 1000th episode of American’s Most Wanted. “I knew it!”, said anyone who’s ever attended a Tea Party Convention.

On Monday President Obama angered teachers union officials when he voiced support for the firing of all the teachers at a failing Rhode Island school. The fired teachers were also furious and threatened to teach Obama a lesson he will forget because they’re terrible teachers.

Police in New York say that a driver for model Naomi Campbell has filed a complaint that she slapped and punched him while he was driving her around the city. In Naomi’s defense, there were a lot of punch buggies on the road that day.

A New York man has recorded images of what he claims to be a UFO flying over the Williamsburg section of the Brooklyn. It was first UFO sighting ever spotted wearing skinny jeans and blasting Belle and Sebastian.

Organizers for New York’s National Puerto Rican Day Parade said that they are ending their 30 year relationship with sponsor Captain Morgan Rum. Unfortunately, the relationship between Captain Morgan’s Rum and the parade goers is expected to be as strong as ever.

A new glow-in-the-dark roll of toilet paper is being sold on the Internet. Which begs the question: who’s pooping in the dark?

Apple is getting pressure from workers rights groups to disclose more details about its suppliers after the company revealed some of its contractors had hired underage employees. Or as Apple calls them, Nano workers.

A number of people in states that allow people to openly carry firearms, have been exercising this right by walking into their local Starbucks with their guns. Luckily, it’s impossible to shoot anyone while a Nora Jones CD is playing.

The movie Precious recently won outstanding motion picture and outstanding independent film at the 41st NAACP Image Awards. Completely snubbed by the NAACP Image Awards: “Anvil! The story of Anvil.”

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I'll be taking an indefinite hiatus from the blog. Now go live your lives.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A court in Germany has fined a man over 1200 dollars for knocking off the head off a waxwork figure of Adolf Hitler in a Berlin museum. The judge reprimanded the man, saying you can’t just going around trying to destroy things just because their different than you.

Sources are saying that Brad Pitt has been drunk calling his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston saying that he is sorry and that he misses her, thus giving hope to the hundreds of women with phone numbers just one digit off from Jennifer Aniston’s.

When the Space Shuttle Atlantis lifted off on Monday it took with it a basketball that belonged to the Harlem Globetrotters. Then on Tuesday it was reported that the Space Shuttle Atlantis spilled a bucket of glitter on Mars and pantsed Jupiter.

The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets' new stadium, ran onto the field Tuesday. Let’s just say it was not the moment you wanted to be staring at the Jumbo Tron.

Harrison Ford revealed this week that he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Sources say he put a ring around her finger then watched her tip over.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Julia Roberts was photographed this week with a tattoo on her lower back that features the names of her three children. Julia said she got the tattoos so it would be easier for everyone who kisses her ass to remember her kid’s names.

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant. The operation had a few hitches, but the patient still gave his surgeons two left thumbs up.

In an interview on the Insider, Lorena Bobbitt says that even 15 years after she cut off her husband's penis, he continues to sends her roses. Bobbit says she looks forward to receiving them so she can cut off the stems.

The National Rifle Association next week will present Alaska Governor Sarah Palin with an all white M-4 military rifle called the "Alaskan Hunter.” So... lay low, Levi.

Senator Chuck Schumer from New York this week proposed that the IHOP chain in New York start using only maple syrup produced in the state. And lose all its “international” credibility?

This week, Chanel, who has been named the world's oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. This dog is so old, he started digging a hole in his back yard to bury himself.

A stunt man filming a car chase in New York's Times Square for a new Nicolas Cage movie crashed his Ferrari into a Sbarro’s Restaurant. The crash injured two, while the food at Sbarro’s killed 6.

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper. Sources say the recipe reveals the secret ingredient is one dollar so you can go the store and buy a can of Dr. Pepper.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Actor Kal Penn, best known for his role in the Harold and Kumar movies, is joining the Obama administration as associate director of Office of Public Relations. The first PR debacle facing Penn is President Obama’s decision to make the guy from the Harold and Kumar movies the associate director of Office of Public Relations.

Police in Detroit this weekend shut down an organized pillow fight at a downtown park. Locals expressed relief that the pillow fight was squelched before it escalated into “talk about boys”.

In a deposition for his 10 million dollar lawsuit against American Apparel, Woody Allen, who is suing the company for using his image in billboard ads, said that the ads are "sleazy," "adolescent" and "infantile”, and that he’s getting turned on just talking about them.

A small number of communities throughout the country are printing their own money to help consumers make ends meet and to support struggling local businesses. This promising new trend goes by the name, “Counterfeiting”.

Researchers in Brooklyn have recently developed a drug that is capable of erasing certain memories in animals. “Thank God”, said my pet gerbil.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The FDA issued an alert Monday warning people to stop eating all pistachios because of a possible salmonella contamination. “Damn it”, said the guy who just heard this after spending the last 20 minutes opening a pistachio.

It was reported that a 7300 square foot mansion owned by Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly is for sale for almost 28 million dollars. Buyer beware: The old guy smell is the least offensive odor in the place.

Many royal watchers feel that First Lady Michelle Obama violated the rules of protocol when she touched the queen on her back instead of curtsying when they met for the first time. If that’s the case, then Obama definitely broke protocol when he went in for the fist bump.

Dozens of out-of-work New Yorkers participated in the Unemployment Olympics. Unfortunately, the event was tainted when some of the participants tested positive for trust funds.

Police in Salt Lake City are searching for a man who fired two shots at a McDonald's after the drive-thru operator told him they were not serving lunch yet. Here’s a crazy thought: try looking for him at a McDonald’s around lunchtime.

It was announced last week that television ads for abortions will be allowed on British TV for the first time. The British government hopes this will finally put an end to the dangerous back alley abortion commercial.

A man in Bosnia was arrested after he tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile. And he thought she was a bitch to him before.

Fox is creating a new dating show which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women. The show will be called “More to Love”, because no one wants to be on a dating show called “Limited Options”.

A man in Ohio was arrested on charges of drunken driving after he crashed while driving a bar stool resting on top of a deconstructed lawn mower. Is it okay to give drunk drivers style points?

Monday, March 16, 2009

Eddie Doyle, who was a bartender at the Boston tavern that inspired the TV show Cheers, was laid off this week after working there for 35 years. Not surprisingly, he will be replaced by Woody Harrelson.

Engineers are saying that a prototype for a floating city off the coast of San Francisco could be ready in 3 years. Unfortunately, shark engineers believe they can have a prototype for a ladder built in two.

Bill Maher debated Ann Coulter this week as part of a speaker series at Radio City Music Hall. The two debated over Iraq, the media and just how much weird sexual tension one audience could stand.

This June hordes of cyclists will participate in the ‘World Naked Bike Ride’ in which people will bike through Central Park while naked. The ride hopes to raise awareness of people who do things that are totally unnecessary.

A new study shows that chimpanzees can plan ahead like humans, although I think its safe to say our plans for world domination worked out a little better than theirs.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it this spring to Australia. Hopefully, one of those bottles contains a message in it that reads, “Man, this was a dumb idea. Please tell my wife and kids I loved them.”

The Museum of Funeral Customs in Springfield, Illinois may soon close its doors because of poor attendance. And it was so young.

According to Forbes Magazine, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is now the richest man in New York City. This isn’t saying much, considering the second richest man in New York City these days is this guy.

Monday, March 9, 2009

In a recent blog post, John McCain’s daughter Meghan wrote that after the 2008 presidential race, she doesn’t want to date men who voted for Obama, but is repulsed by men who are obsessive supporters of her father. So, don’t blow this one, Green party dudes.

It was reported that the emperor of Japan may visit Pearl Harbor in July. Thanks for the heads up this time.

The N.J. Senate approved a bill this week allowing the use of medical marijuana. After the bill was passed, thousands of New Jerseyans immediately called their dealers hoping to score some cancer.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation declaring the first week in March to be “No Cussing Week”, which in a case of bad timing, is also LA’s annual, “Stub Your Toe Week”.

A city in New Zealand is planning to play the music of Barry Manilow in their central mall district to calm down unruly teens who congregate there. Many are skeptical of the plan, since it didn’t work when they tried it at the Copa…Copacabana.

A woman in Michigan with two wombs has given birth to twin daughters, one with each uterus. Good luck getting them to ever share a crib.

In a recent blog, Nadya Suleman, the octuplets mom, says that she only speaks to the father of her children "once a year.” That may not sound like a lot, but it’s more face time than she gives children 11 through 14.

Atlas Sports Genetics has been selling a home-analysis kit that allows parents to test if their child is genetically predisposed to have sports ability. It looks something like this:

Monday, February 16, 2009

The number one movie at the box office last weekend was "He's Just Not That Into You", though it faces stiff competition this weekend with the opening of, “Friday the 13th: He’s Just Not That Into You And He’s Got A Pick Ax”.

On Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave US Airways pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger and his crew the key to the city. This marks the first time in which keys were given to and not being taken away from a guy named Sully.

Eight leaders of the nation's top banks appeared before Congress Wednesday to face tough questions from lawmakers regarding how they have used more than 160 billion dollars in taxpayers money. Congress was surprised to learn the answer was pens.

A New York City Councilman wants to phase out buggy-pulled horses in Central Park and replace them with eco-friendly electric replicas of Model T Fords. While this may sound less romantic, nobody ever went for a stroll in the park and stepped in a pile of Model T crap.

A man in Delaware was arrested for allegedly hiding marijuana in his children's diapers. The man was let off with a stern warning, “Huggies, not druggies.”

Activision is still planning on airing an ad for Guitar Hero that features Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps, despite the controversy surrounding their drug use. No doubt a difficult decision for the makers of a game built upon the idol worship of Joe Perry and Slash.

In his first White House news conference on Tuesday, President Obama said of the stimulus plan, "I can't tell you for sure that everything in this plan will work exactly as we hoped." Is it bad when your President starts sounding like Ben from Lost?

Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House news conference, but only the first to have to explain to her that it wasn’t all a dream and yes, he’s really president.

This Thursday marked the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, who is best remembered for not being able to explain this guy: