Some jokes that haven't mattered for weeks. Possibly a month.

It was revealed this week that a man in California who was convicted of serial murder was a winning bachelor on “The Dating Game” in 1978. This should have been obvious, since every answer he gave on the show started with, “First, I’d murder you.”

According to a new study, this year could be the “tipping point” when the number of babies born to minorities outnumbers that of babies born to whites. I don’t know what it is, but somewhere in here, there’s a great racist pick- up line.

It was unveiled Monday that the design for this year’s New York City official condom wrapper is the power symbol for a computer. Personally, I would have gone with the “Caps Lock” key.

A former US Navy Intelligence officer won the USA Memory Championship last weekend for the second year in a row. Which means he REALLY must be catching hell for forgetting his wife’s birthday last Tuesday.

It’s been announced that President Obama will appear in the 1000th episode of American’s Most Wanted. “I knew it!”, said anyone who’s ever attended a Tea Party Convention.

On Monday President Obama angered teachers union officials when he voiced support for the firing of all the teachers at a failing Rhode Island school. The fired teachers were also furious and threatened to teach Obama a lesson he will forget because they’re terrible teachers.

Police in New York say that a driver for model Naomi Campbell has filed a complaint that she slapped and punched him while he was driving her around the city. In Naomi’s defense, there were a lot of punch buggies on the road that day.

A New York man has recorded images of what he claims to be a UFO flying over the Williamsburg section of the Brooklyn. It was first UFO sighting ever spotted wearing skinny jeans and blasting Belle and Sebastian.

Organizers for New York’s National Puerto Rican Day Parade said that they are ending their 30 year relationship with sponsor Captain Morgan Rum. Unfortunately, the relationship between Captain Morgan’s Rum and the parade goers is expected to be as strong as ever.

A new glow-in-the-dark roll of toilet paper is being sold on the Internet. Which begs the question: who’s pooping in the dark?

Apple is getting pressure from workers rights groups to disclose more details about its suppliers after the company revealed some of its contractors had hired underage employees. Or as Apple calls them, Nano workers.

A number of people in states that allow people to openly carry firearms, have been exercising this right by walking into their local Starbucks with their guns. Luckily, it’s impossible to shoot anyone while a Nora Jones CD is playing.

The movie Precious recently won outstanding motion picture and outstanding independent film at the 41st NAACP Image Awards. Completely snubbed by the NAACP Image Awards: “Anvil! The story of Anvil.”

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I'll be taking an indefinite hiatus from the blog. Now go live your lives.

A court in Germany has fined a man over 1200 dollars for knocking off the head off a waxwork figure of Adolf Hitler in a Berlin museum. The judge reprimanded the man, saying you can’t just going around trying to destroy things just because their different than you.

Sources are saying that Brad Pitt has been drunk calling his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston saying that he is sorry and that he misses her, thus giving hope to the hundreds of women with phone numbers just one digit off from Jennifer Aniston’s.

When the Space Shuttle Atlantis lifted off on Monday it took with it a basketball that belonged to the Harlem Globetrotters. Then on Tuesday it was reported that the Space Shuttle Atlantis spilled a bucket of glitter on Mars and pantsed Jupiter.

The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets' new stadium, ran onto the field Tuesday. Let’s just say it was not the moment you wanted to be staring at the Jumbo Tron.

Harrison Ford revealed this week that he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Sources say he put a ring around her finger then watched her tip over.

Julia Roberts was photographed this week with a tattoo on her lower back that features the names of her three children. Julia said she got the tattoos so it would be easier for everyone who kisses her ass to remember her kid’s names.

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant. The operation had a few hitches, but the patient still gave his surgeons two left thumbs up.

In an interview on the Insider, Lorena Bobbitt says that even 15 years after she cut off her husband's penis, he continues to sends her roses. Bobbit says she looks forward to receiving them so she can cut off the stems.

The National Rifle Association next week will present Alaska Governor Sarah Palin with an all white M-4 military rifle called the "Alaskan Hunter.” So... lay low, Levi.

Senator Chuck Schumer from New York this week proposed that the IHOP chain in New York start using only maple syrup produced in the state. And lose all its “international” credibility?

This week, Chanel, who has been named the world's oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. This dog is so old, he started digging a hole in his back yard to bury himself.

A stunt man filming a car chase in New York's Times Square for a new Nicolas Cage movie crashed his Ferrari into a Sbarro’s Restaurant. The crash injured two, while the food at Sbarro’s killed 6.

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper. Sources say the recipe reveals the secret ingredient is one dollar so you can go the store and buy a can of Dr. Pepper.

Actor Kal Penn, best known for his role in the Harold and Kumar movies, is joining the Obama administration as associate director of Office of Public Relations. The first PR debacle facing Penn is President Obama’s decision to make the guy from the Harold and Kumar movies the associate director of Office of Public Relations.

Police in Detroit this weekend shut down an organized pillow fight at a downtown park. Locals expressed relief that the pillow fight was squelched before it escalated into “talk about boys”.

In a deposition for his 10 million dollar lawsuit against American Apparel, Woody Allen, who is suing the company for using his image in billboard ads, said that the ads are "sleazy," "adolescent" and "infantile”, and that he’s getting turned on just talking about them.

A small number of communities throughout the country are printing their own money to help consumers make ends meet and to support struggling local businesses. This promising new trend goes by the name, “Counterfeiting”.

Researchers in Brooklyn have recently developed a drug that is capable of erasing certain memories in animals. “Thank God”, said my pet gerbil.

The FDA issued an alert Monday warning people to stop eating all pistachios because of a possible salmonella contamination. “Damn it”, said the guy who just heard this after spending the last 20 minutes opening a pistachio.

It was reported that a 7300 square foot mansion owned by Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly is for sale for almost 28 million dollars. Buyer beware: The old guy smell is the least offensive odor in the place.

Many royal watchers feel that First Lady Michelle Obama violated the rules of protocol when she touched the queen on her back instead of curtsying when they met for the first time. If that’s the case, then Obama definitely broke protocol when he went in for the fist bump.

Dozens of out-of-work New Yorkers participated in the Unemployment Olympics. Unfortunately, the event was tainted when some of the participants tested positive for trust funds.

Police in Salt Lake City are searching for a man who fired two shots at a McDonald's after the drive-thru operator told him they were not serving lunch yet. Here’s a crazy thought: try looking for him at a McDonald’s around lunchtime.

It was announced last week that television ads for abortions will be allowed on British TV for the first time. The British government hopes this will finally put an end to the dangerous back alley abortion commercial.

A man in Bosnia was arrested after he tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile. And he thought she was a bitch to him before.

Fox is creating a new dating show which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women. The show will be called “More to Love”, because no one wants to be on a dating show called “Limited Options”.

A man in Ohio was arrested on charges of drunken driving after he crashed while driving a bar stool resting on top of a deconstructed lawn mower. Is it okay to give drunk drivers style points?

Eddie Doyle, who was a bartender at the Boston tavern that inspired the TV show Cheers, was laid off this week after working there for 35 years. Not surprisingly, he will be replaced by Woody Harrelson.

Engineers are saying that a prototype for a floating city off the coast of San Francisco could be ready in 3 years. Unfortunately, shark engineers believe they can have a prototype for a ladder built in two.

Bill Maher debated Ann Coulter this week as part of a speaker series at Radio City Music Hall. The two debated over Iraq, the media and just how much weird sexual tension one audience could stand.

This June hordes of cyclists will participate in the ‘World Naked Bike Ride’ in which people will bike through Central Park while naked. The ride hopes to raise awareness of people who do things that are totally unnecessary.

A new study shows that chimpanzees can plan ahead like humans, although I think its safe to say our plans for world domination worked out a little better than theirs.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it this spring to Australia. Hopefully, one of those bottles contains a message in it that reads, “Man, this was a dumb idea. Please tell my wife and kids I loved them.”

The Museum of Funeral Customs in Springfield, Illinois may soon close its doors because of poor attendance. And it was so young.

According to Forbes Magazine, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is now the richest man in New York City. This isn’t saying much, considering the second richest man in New York City these days is this guy.

In a recent blog post, John McCain’s daughter Meghan wrote that after the 2008 presidential race, she doesn’t want to date men who voted for Obama, but is repulsed by men who are obsessive supporters of her father. So, don’t blow this one, Green party dudes.

It was reported that the emperor of Japan may visit Pearl Harbor in July. Thanks for the heads up this time.

The N.J. Senate approved a bill this week allowing the use of medical marijuana. After the bill was passed, thousands of New Jerseyans immediately called their dealers hoping to score some cancer.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation declaring the first week in March to be “No Cussing Week”, which in a case of bad timing, is also LA’s annual, “Stub Your Toe Week”.

A city in New Zealand is planning to play the music of Barry Manilow in their central mall district to calm down unruly teens who congregate there. Many are skeptical of the plan, since it didn’t work when they tried it at the Copa…Copacabana.

A woman in Michigan with two wombs has given birth to twin daughters, one with each uterus. Good luck getting them to ever share a crib.

In a recent blog, Nadya Suleman, the octuplets mom, says that she only speaks to the father of her children "once a year.” That may not sound like a lot, but it’s more face time than she gives children 11 through 14.

Atlas Sports Genetics has been selling a home-analysis kit that allows parents to test if their child is genetically predisposed to have sports ability. It looks something like this:

The number one movie at the box office last weekend was "He's Just Not That Into You", though it faces stiff competition this weekend with the opening of, “Friday the 13th: He’s Just Not That Into You And He’s Got A Pick Ax”.

On Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave US Airways pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger and his crew the key to the city. This marks the first time in which keys were given to and not being taken away from a guy named Sully.

Eight leaders of the nation's top banks appeared before Congress Wednesday to face tough questions from lawmakers regarding how they have used more than 160 billion dollars in taxpayers money. Congress was surprised to learn the answer was pens.

A New York City Councilman wants to phase out buggy-pulled horses in Central Park and replace them with eco-friendly electric replicas of Model T Fords. While this may sound less romantic, nobody ever went for a stroll in the park and stepped in a pile of Model T crap.

A man in Delaware was arrested for allegedly hiding marijuana in his children's diapers. The man was let off with a stern warning, “Huggies, not druggies.”

Activision is still planning on airing an ad for Guitar Hero that features Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps, despite the controversy surrounding their drug use. No doubt a difficult decision for the makers of a game built upon the idol worship of Joe Perry and Slash.

In his first White House news conference on Tuesday, President Obama said of the stimulus plan, "I can't tell you for sure that everything in this plan will work exactly as we hoped." Is it bad when your President starts sounding like Ben from Lost?

Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House news conference, but only the first to have to explain to her that it wasn’t all a dream and yes, he’s really president.

This Thursday marked the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, who is best remembered for not being able to explain this guy:

The House voted Wednesday to postpone the deadline for a nationwide switch to digital TV until after June 12, giving more than 6.5 million Americans with analog TVs more time to obtain converter boxes. Or, you know, die off.

Surgeons in Maryland removed a woman's kidney through her vagina so she could give it to her ailing niece. The surgeons were hailed for both saving a life and winning a bet.

Eddie Van Halen said this week that he has created a guitar that even he cannot destroy. Now change ‘guitar’ to ‘liver’ and you’ve got something.

Paris Hilton said that she plans on helping the economy by continuing to shop. In other news, Microsoft, GE and Ford will now focus their entire businesses on making thongs and Chihuahua sweaters.

Geologists monitoring Alaska's Mount Redoubt said Sunday that the volcano is rumbling and emitting steam but has shown no drastic burst in the past 24 hours. So yeah, a volcano is showing more self-control than Christian Bale.

The New Life Church in South Dakota has been conducting boxing matches in a ring in the church to help illustrate the spiritual battles man faces, so says New Life Church’s “Father McGambling Problem”.

Joseph "Joey the Clown" Lombardo was sentenced to life in federal prison for serving as a leader of Chicago's organized crime family. Mafia Don plus clown equal scariest cellmate ever.

Nadya Suleman, the single woman who gave birth to octuplets last week, has been deluged with offers for book deals, TV shows, and other opportunities. One thing she hasn’t been deluged with: marriage proposals.

It was reported that Britney Spears has said she will cancel her upcoming "Circus" tour if she cannot bring her kids with her. If she is allowed to bring them, we could witness the first instance of kids running away from the “Circus” to join society.

The high school girls basketball team in Texas that beat an opponent 100 to 0 is now apologizing for the extreme margin of victory. So far, it’s 100 apologies issued to zero apologies accepted.

The half-brother of President Barack Obama was arrested for alleged possession of marijuana on Saturday near his home in a Nairobi shantytown. Guess who got their first 3:00 am call in the White House?

A woman in Thailand broke her own record by spending 33 days and nights with 5000 scorpions. Record Shmecord. This woman just likes hanging out with scorpions.

Actress Molly Ringwald is writing a new book about life as a 40-something. The book is called, “Pretty in Pink Minivan.”

A man in California has embarked on a cross-country trek to get 50 jobs in 50 weeks in all 50 states. Doubt any of those jobs will be as the “Senior Head of the Great Timing and Decision Making Department”.

A new study shows that 2 to 3 day old babies can perceive musical patterns and can even notice when a drummer missed a beat. The study also shows that by days 4 and 5, babies can tell that Coldplay is way overrated.

Iceland's coalition government collapsed Monday, leaving the island nation in political turmoil amid a financial crisis that has pummeled its economy and required an international bailout. But really, what do you expect from a country whose main export is ice cubes.

In a series of interviews on Tuesday Rod Blagojevich talked about how he and his wife got his children a puppy over Christmas. It should be noted that the puppy gave Blagojevich a new pair of slippers and the newspaper from the driveway for the position.

Pending further investigation, many experts have concluded that U.S. Airways flight 1549 was downed by a flock of geese. After hearing this, President Bush capped off his Presidency by declaring war on pigeons.

Barack Obama's inauguration will have a strong Abraham Lincoln theme, including using the bible Lincoln was sworn in with, a luncheon menu modeled on Lincoln's favorite food, and several racist states ceding from the union.

A 22 year-old woman who is auctioning off her virginity says the bids have gotten as high as 3.8 million dollars. So basically, this economy is going to suck for everyone but hot virgins.

Joseph Brooks, a New York songwriter who won an Academy Award for the Debbie Boone song "You Light Up My Life," is a suspect in five sexual assault cases. In addition, he’s suspected of pretty much ruining the song, "You Light Up My Life," for five women.

Amy Winehouse told a British paper this week that she has a new boyfriend, and that when she’s with him, “she doesn’t need drugs”, which sounded encouraging until it was discovered that this new boyfriend was made out of crack.

A new "flirting course" is being offered to aspiring IT engineers at Potsdam University in Germany, where they will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and e-mails, how to impress people at parties and how to cope with rejection. So, it’s basically a class on how to cope with rejection.

A 107 year-old Chinese woman, who never married, says she is ready for a husband now. Unfortunately, her choices have narrowed a bit, as she prefers older men.

Apple announced this week that CEO Steve Jobs was once again paid 1 dollar in salary last year. No wonder the guy is starving.

Plastic surgeons in New York City are saying that as the economy worsens the demand for breast implants has dropped. Makes sense, considering it was artificial bubbles that got us into this mess in the first place.

A rock singer in England has been hiccupping for 22 straight months, in what might be God’s most unsubtle way of saying, “maybe you’d be happier playing bass.”

A man in Atlanta, who had built a replica of the White House, is now selling it because of the downturn in the economy. In other news, the McCains just bought their eighth home.

It was reported this week that Laura Bush has signed a deal to publish a memoir that will encompass her recollections of personal and historical moments. The working title of the book is, “Picking out china patterns while my husband drives the country off a cliff.”

The White House said that the idea for the gathering of all the living presidents for lunch on Wednesday came from Barack Obama. It was a group decision, however, to make George W. sit at the kiddie table.

In an interview on Fox News Sunday, former President George H.W. Bush said that he would like to see his other son, Jeb, win the presidency someday, though he’ll settle for him not ruining the country.

A growing number of illegal immigrants from Mexico are returning to their home country now because of the recession. You have to give credit where credit is due- Bush finally found a way to solve the illegal immigrant problem.

British Marine archaeologists have discovered a 4 and a half inch piece of "string" they say is 8000 years old, because that sounds a little better than saying, “We got nothing”.

Veterinarians in Massachusetts on Tuesday reattached the face of a cat who had been injured by a car's fan belt. Unfortunately, they’ve reattached it to Joan Rivers.

It was announced this week that Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove will be auctioned off next week. The bidding will start at the price of hundreds of children’s’ innocence.

More than 2 million Muslims on Sunday began a pilgrimage to a town outside Mecca to cast stones at the devil, because if there’s anything that’s going to take the devil down, it’s rocks.

A man in China woke his wife from her 10 year coma by biting her toes, or a woman in China woke up from her 10 year coma to discover her husband still has a foot fetish.

A new report shows that in recent years, many women have become top executives in the pornography industry. Yet another example of women breaking through the mirrored ceiling.

An 89 year-old man and a 90 year-old woman in England became the Britain's oldest newlyweds this week when they got married. The couple is registered at the Ramsey Funeral Home & Crematory.

During an interview with 60 Minutes, Barack Obama talked about getting a hypoallergenic dog for his family as well as the possibility of his mother-law moving into the White House with them. Oh my God, we’ve elected a sitcom premise.

Debby, the world's oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a Canadian zoo at the age of 42. Sadly, she died without anyone ever knowing her real name was not Debby, but Fran.

Drug dealing on the website Craigslist has become so rampant that New York's special narcotics prosecutor has asked the site to curb the thinly veiled ads that use code words to sell drugs. Good news for people who genuinely do only want to buy tickets to the “420” foot high “ski lift” on “meth mountain”.

At a gay rights rally this weekend in California, comedian Wanda Sykes revealed that she is a lesbian, while comedian Carrot Top revealed he’s actually a carrot bottom.

The Postal Service announced this week they will be reducing employee work hours and instituting a program which would push 150,000 employees into early retirement,… you know, just in case you forgot where the term “going postal” came from.

Oral Roberts University announced this week that it will lay off about 100 employees. It’s cool though. I hear Oral gives great severance.

In Germany, scientists have uncovered a 4600 year-old grave containing a man, woman and two children. It is believed to be the oldest evidence of people living as a family and the longest any couple has ever stayed together for the sake of the children.

In an interview in the New Yorker, Prince reveals that since he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses two years ago he has started knocking on doors to preach the work of his Christian denomination. Leave it to the Jehovah's Witnesses’ to make Prince showing up at your door a bad thing.

Senator Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in the Senate, on Tuesday narrowly lost his reelection bid. The people of Alaska have spoken, and they have “narrowly” chosen the guy who isn’t an 85-year-old convicted felon.

In a message posted Wednesday, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, insulted Barack Obama, calling him a "house negro." It should be noted that he said this only after scanning the room to make sure there weren’t any black dudes around.

Ninety year-old Edith Shain, the woman from the famed 1945 Times Square picture of her being kissed by a sailor, was in New York this week to serve as a grand marshal in this week's Veterans Day Parade. Thousands of sailors attended the parade to see if she still puts out.

In the week since the Presidential election, the names Barack, Obama, Michele, Malia, and Sasha have become increasingly popular baby names. So…in your face, Piper!

Friends of Michelle Obama say that her first priority as she comes to Washington will be her two daughters, and not being "co-president", though Sasha Obama is rumored to have her eye on the “Secretary of Teddy Bear Slumber Parties” post.

Barack Obama on Monday visited the White House and was given a tour of the Oval Office by President Bush. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney graciously gave Joe Biden a tour of Castle Grayskull.

This week, Saudi Arabia presided over a two-day UN conference on religious tolerance, which was going pretty well, until the Jews showed up.

Writer Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez theorized that Barack Obama won the Presidency in part because of the "Huxtable effect," in which the hit 80s sitcom, “The Cosby Show”, helped young voters get over racial stereotypes. She also theorized that the “Mr. Roper” effect didn’t do John McCain any favors.

The stick, which a child can make into anything using their imagination, was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame last week. Next year pile of dirt. Next year.

Many people in Africa have high expectations for Barack Obama's presidency and believe he will be able to solve many of the continent’s problems. After all, Africa has done so well with other black leaders in the past.

A man in Japan has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying that he feels more at ease in the "two-dimensional world." Dude, step away from the henatia porn.

Some aides to John McCain say that they are not happy that Sarah Palin has been going "off-script" at campaign rallies and are concerned over what they describe as her “rogue” behavior. Man, it’s almost like she’s turned into some kind of maverick.

Many political insiders think that regardless of the outcome of the election, Sarah Palin could be the future of the Republican Party, assuming nobody foxier comes along.

Sarah Palin turned out to be one of the most popular costumes this Halloween, which is surprising, since the costume was sold exclusively at Saks and Neiman Marcus.

A man in Japan set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married rather than go through with the ceremony. The man now faces 10 to 20 years in “not” marriage.

A new line of Italian wines based on the hit series the Sopranos will be launched in the US this fall. This might explain the recent rise in grape whackings.

The City Council of Atlantic City has voted to lift the less-than-2-week-old ban on smoking in casinos. Hey Atlantic City- how does it feel to know Keith Richards once quit smoking longer than you did?

In an effort to cut costs, ABC has sent around a "new wardrobe guidelines" memo to certain shows outlining the "maximum allowable spend" for clothes for each character- to which the Republican Party asked, “You can do that?”

Survivor host Jeff Probst has created a new reality show called "Live Like You're Dying," which takes people who don't have much time left on the adventure of a lifetime. The idea seems to be a real hit with the show’s first subject, John McCain.

Because of the ailing economy, airlines are announcing that they will have nearly 3 million less flights this year during the Thanksgiving holiday. The news is just sinking in for the millions of Turkeys who were hoping to get the heck out of Dodge for the holiday.

A 33 year-old woman, who was accused of stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. Or, as she put it, “Defense! Insanity! Defense, insanity…Whooo!!!”

A man in South Carolina was arrested this weekend after he left his 10 month old daughter in a car while he went into a strip club where his wife was performing and got a lap dance. Ahh...what couples will do to keep things fresh after having a kid.

In an attempt to broaden its appeal the white-power movement in America is marketing itself to middle America by creating social networking sites and podcasts. Well, it’s about time segregationists joined the 21st century!

A school in New York City is offering a class called "The Art of Charm," which is 3500 dollar, one-week, live-program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. I’d say giving them $3500 for a bogus class is a good start.

Geologists say they have discovered more than 1000 prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a site near the Arizona-Utah border that they are calling it a "dinosaur dance floor." Also discovered by this "dinosaur dance floor": the bones of the infamous “D.J. Rex”.

Two Dutch teenagers have been convicted of theft and sentenced to community service for stealing "virtual" items in an online adventure game, thus setting the precedent that could lead to someday all of us being brought up on charges of involuntary ghost slaughter.

In an interview with the Associated Press, Levi Johnston, the fiancé of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter Bristol, said that they "were planning on getting married a long time ago”. Just not to each other.

At the Philadelphia Flyers' home opener against the New York Rangers, Sarah Palin was booed as she dropped the ceremonial first puck in front of a crowd of 19,000 hockey fans who obviously hate their moms.

At a campaign rally this weekend, John McCain said that even though they are trailing Barack Obama in the polls, "we've got them just where we want them." Unfortunately, he’s been saying the same thing about Iraqi insurgents for the past five years.

PepsiCo has announced that it is cutting over 3330 jobs to give it some "breathing room" during these bad economic times. Luckily, the 3330 employees being laid off are the ones whose job is to shake the Pepsi bottles before they reach the shelf.

Six schools in Utah have introduced a Web site that allows students to anonymously report bullies, while six bullies in Utah have introduced a website that allows students to anonymously report Gaylords.

Sex offenders in Maryland have begun receiving signs in the mail that read, “No candy at this residence,” which they must post on their front doors on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. But no one told them they have to put any signs on their vans...

Ringo Starr has told fans to stop sending letters and requests for autographs, saying such mail will be thrown away after October 20th because he has too much to do. Don’t worry though- this only effects the least talented members of the Beatles fandom.

The Bush administration is taking steps for mountain bikers to gain easier access to national parks and other public lands before President Bush leaves office. That’s like someone wrecking your life and trying to make up for it with a day-pass to Great Adventure.

It was reported this week that after 8 years of marriage, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. For now, Madonna says she’ll probably just play the field -… mostly third base.