Britney Spears' custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline experienced a major setback with the announcement that her lawyers are quitting the case. Well, at least soon she’ll have a niece to drop around.

Sources say Nickelodeon is canceling the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears’ show, “Zoey 101”. The news promises to upset her young audience, many of whom consider Jamie Lynn a ‘ho model.

Author David Levy says that in the future, humans will be romantically involved with robots, to which Mitt Romney’s wife responded, “future”?

White house press secretary said President Bush will not be waiting up for the results of the primaries. Then again, neither will Fred Thompson.

New Jersey is getting close to becoming the first Northern state to apologize for slavery. Guess this means we’ve got a few years to go on that apology for Bon Jovi.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney stated that if elected president he and his wife will not embarrass the nation by their conduct in the White House, as happened in "the Clinton years." It’s true. One of the principal tenets of Mormonism is “No Fat Chicks”.

A man with a knife was arrested inside a campaign headquarters of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton in northeast Iowa. Dear God, is Mitt still trying to prove he’s a hunter?

The Clinton campaign is lining up baby-sitters to look after the little ones of caucus-moms so they’re freed up to vote. As a courtesy, they’ve also offered to watch over Dennis Kucinich.

NBC’s tonight show with Jay Leno returns tonight with special guest Republican, Mike Huckabee. The show’s writers will not be returning, though Huckabee’s material on evolution should deliver the big laughs.

France's smoking ban went into effect Tuesday with the start of the New Year. It’s expected to last until the French realize that wasn’t what stank.

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee told reporters Monday that he was pulling a negative ad designed to target Mitt Romney. He then he showed the ad to a room packed with reporters. So, if Mike Huckabee ever tells you he was going to punch you in the face, duck.

Looks like Mitt Romney has made a new year’s resolution. This morning he refused to even flip his calendar over to the new year.

In an online movie poll, moviegoers tagged Lindsay Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the year's worst performance by an actress. There was some redemption, as voters in the same poll honored Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the best performance by a drunk actress.

Hotel party princess Paris Hilton was spotted cozying up to Kevin Federline in Los Angeles this weekend. The year is starting out great for Paris; for the first time she’s being considered a ‘step up’.

The house where Michael Vick held illegal dog fights is up for sale for $1.1 million. Sure, the puppy electric chair needs some renovating, but it’s still a good deal.

An essay that won a six-year-old girl tickets to a Hannah Montana concert has been exposed as a fake. The essay began with the line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq", and was followed with, “If they’re floor seats, so did my Mommy.”

Fred Thompson said he's not consumed with winning the White House. This attitude is reflected in Thompson’s catchy new campaign slogan, “Whatever.”

A man has saved every piece of trash he has generated over the past year to see how much garbage one person could create. That man's name: Dane Cook.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone has joined a mission to retrieve three hostages held for years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. So far, Stone’s made their captivity two hours longer.

A 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to be the world's oldest, has died. In lieu of flowers, please fling poop.

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday. The bill is designed to protect the rights of people whose phone numbers have been illegally used in a movie or song.

Seven people were injured on Thursday when Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests came to blows in a dispute over how to clean the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Please guys, there’s more than one way to make that place immaculate.

Radiohead will perform its new album, "In Rainbows," in its entirety during a pre-taped, hour-long set that will premiere New Year's Eve on Current TV. The televised concert kicks off the band’s upcoming, “Thanks for spending 45 cents on our album” tour.

Today, Rudy Giuliani has launched a new ad campaign that invokes the 2001 terrorist attacks. To be fair, Rudy also invoked the attacks ordering an omelet this morning.

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he's leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. Hopefully, Paris will share some of it with Nikki and her Mom.

In an interview with Daily Record of Scotland, movie star Will Smith was quoted saying that Adolph Hitler was doing what he "thought was good." Hitler responded by saying the same thing about Smith regarding “Hitch”.

Pope Benedict on Tuesday said he hoped Christmas would bring consolation to those living in poverty, injustice and war, and if it can’t, there’s always the day-after Christmas markdowns!

A Global Positioning System was installed on a baby Jesus statue displayed in a Florida nativity scene after the previous year’s statue went missing. And, if you listen real close, you can hear this baby Jesus instruct, “Turn the other cheek left.”

Investigators are trying to determine how a Siberian tiger named Tatiana escaped its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas — killing one visitor and mauling two others. While the investigation is still open, Zoo officals all agree that giving Tatiana a tiger trampoline for Christmas was a bad call.

Despite the absence of their writers, several late night host are scheduled to resume shows starting January 2. Bad news for writers, good news for anyone who wants to hear the extended version of how Hillary Swank’s holidays went.

Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call from his wife, which he stopped his speech to answer. Rudy Giuliani: tough stance on gun control, kind of soft on wife control.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice upset many when she compared slain terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to Civil War General Robert E. Lee. She then upset even more people when she compared fugitive terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden to the Road Runner.

According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket come back to Earth stronger and deadlier. Kind of like Astronauts.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday on misdemeanor drunken driving charges. Of course, he could have just been really tired.

Police in Staten Island are searching for a "Ninja Burglar," who robs homes wearing a black ski mask and by entering through skylights and open windows. Police are on the lookout for someone who didn’t feel they were living up to their full potential as a “ninja accountant.”

Contributors to Hillary Clinton's campaign can now win a chance to watch the presidential debates with her husband, Bill Clinton, or at least they’ll have it on in the background.

Cameron Diaz was a special guest editor for October's National Geographic Kids, which was the magazine's first "Green Issue." The special issue hopes to teach kids that it’s once again fun to masturbate to National Geographic.

According to the new edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, about 16,000 words have lost their hyphens. Another 12,000 words are choosing to keep their hyphens intact until they’re ready to compound.

Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. Marceau is said to have died of imaginary causes.

Today I give you, ‘Jokes That Haven't Mattered For Well Over A Week!’

It was reported that Led Zeppelin will reunite in November for a one-time comeback concert in memory of Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records. Sources say the band will not be playing their signature song “Stairway to Heaven”, because, just too many stairs.

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, testified before Congress Monday and said that the troop "surge" in Iraq is improving the security situation in the country. Then someone dropped a pen and Petraeus dove under a desk.

The Walt Disney company said this week that it will not drop actress Vanessa Hudgens from the next "High School Musical" movie after she apologized to fans, saying that the 18 year-old has learned a valuable lesson. They have, however, let Donald Duck go after it was revealed he hasn’t worn pants in 75 years.

Democrats this past weekend held their first-ever Spanish language debate. The debate grew extremely heated when Hillary Clinton claimed that “Julio was going to the store”, prompting a defiant Barack Obama to point out that “ Marta likes to play records at the party”.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Sources say Hudson will be playing the role of the black person in Manhattan.

Ochi Yosuke, a Japanese man won the Air Guitar World Championship for the second consecutive year. Two years in a row? Sounds like this Yosuke fellow just may have future in no business.

The Russian military has successfully tested what it described as the world's most powerful non-nuclear air-delivered bomb. And just in time for World War I.

Google has stated on its blog that the company will pay up to $30 million in prize money to anyone able to land a privately funded spacecraft on the moon, because "it's cool". Did you mean “arrogant”?

A gifted parrot that could count to six, identify colors and even express frustration died this week after 30 years of helping researchers better understand the avian brain. The parrot’s last words: “Polly wants an open casket.”

A judge in California has ruled that a carpenter caught working in the nude was not guilty of indecent exposure because he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification. Still, big loss for the apprentice who has to hold his ladder steady.

Kid Rock was cited for misdemeanor battery at Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards following a physical altercation between him and Tommy Lee. I’d say they were fighting over Pamela Anderson’s honor, but that battle was lost a long time ago.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the use of lead paint on toys exported to the United States. This is the likely nail in the coffin for Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants.”

A woman in Oregon was arrested and charged with arson and burglary after police say she set fire to the home of a neighbor she thought had stolen her keys, even though she later found her keys handing from her pants pocket. I know how she feels; I do that all the time- again, my apologies to the Brisbane family.

Leaders of the nonprofit “One Laptop Per Child” acknowledged that the devices would cost $188 if mass production were to start now, not the $100 originally promised. Sadly, the new price means many children in poorer nations will have to settle for playing “minesweeper” the old fashioned way.

After 50 Cent famously announced that he would retire from rap if Kanye West’s new album outsold his in first-week sales, early reports show West is indeed outselling 50. Good news for West, bad news for the first guy who asks 50 to “upsize” his number three.

Former head of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by claiming that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil. A spokesman for the White House responded by saying, “Sure, at first it was all about the oil, but then we got to know the country and fell in love with it for its hopelessness.

A 23 year-old woman who boarded a Southwest Airlines plane in a shirt skirt for a flight to Arizona says she was led off the plane for wearing an outfit that was considered too skimpy. First, they don’t let us bring out bottled water onboard, now our hookers.

Louisiana's state agriculture commissioner said that Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area. The arrival of “Killer Bees” offers some much needed relief to New Orleans residents tired of worrying about drowning and getting shot.

Archaeologists on Monday exhumed the body of a Viking queen, hoping to solve the riddle about whether a woman buried with her 1200 years ago was a servant killed to be a companion into the afterlife, or someone who’s hair just got caught in the queen’s horns.

While Starbucks officials say they don't market their products to children and teenagers, they acknowledge that the under-18 set has become part of their customer base and are considering adding new drinks and drink sizes for kids. The new sizes include: “tiny”, “small”, and “have fun scraping your 7 year old off the ceiling.”

During the MTV Video Music Awards actor Shia LaBeouf revealed that the fourth Indiana Jones movie will be called "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." He then riveted the crowd even more by finally announcing his new pet turtle’s name will be “Sam”.

A city councilwoman is proposing a moratorium on fast-food restaurants in south Los Angeles, which has more such eateries than any other part of the country. Sounds like someone’s a little bitter “The King” never called.

The Mars Rover Opportunity will begin a risky drive Tuesday into a massive crater on Mars. Better leave early Mars Rover; by 7:00 am the crater traffic is practically backed up to Jupiter.

In the latest sign of corruption problems for Republicans, a corporate executive testified Friday that his employees worked for months to remodel the Alaska home of Sen. Ted Stevens. Man, that must be one sweet igloo.

A UPS manager and two employees were busted in the Bronx yesterday for allegedly using the brown trucks to deliver marijuana instead of packages. Their biggest mistep: wrapping all their deliveries in EZ Wider.

The Arctic's Northwest Passage has opened up fully because of melting sea ice. The new passage means there’s now an easier route for countries to reach the oil and gas rich Artic, and puts to rest any doubt that our grandchildren will be living on moon colonies.

During a recent trip to Israel, Ashton Kutcher told a group of Israeli businessmen and entertainers that Kabbalah had made him a better actor. Sounds like someone has discovered the true meaning of fake Judaism.

Madonna toasted the Jewish New Year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism." Don’t laugh; she could be an asset under the negotiating table.

It was announced Wednesday that for the second time, Daily Show host Jon Stewart will host this year's Academy Awards. Republicans have tapped Dennis Miller to offer the rebuttal.

Venezuelan officials claimed a world record Saturday for the world's largest pot of soup, 3,963 gallons of "sancocho" stew capable of feeding 60,000 to 70,000 hungry people...if only that fly hadn’t landed in it.

In a new audiotape out on this anniversary of 9/11, Osama bin Laden urged sympathizers to join the "caravan" of martyrs. In a related story, 50 cent has vowed to retire if Osama’s new release is more successful than his own.

The audiotape comes days after Osama’s first video tape appearance in nearly three years. The video begins with Osama telling Americans to embrace Islam to avert war and ends with four awkward minutes of Sara Silverman tearing him a new one.

Brittney Spears continues to be universally panned for her sluggish performance at the MTV Music Awards. Sources say Britney is so distraught over the criticism, she’s considering going back to being a stay-out-late mom.

New York City’s A-train turns 75 today. The MTA celebrated the train’s birthday by making everyone late for work.

New reports hint at more raunchy pictures to come showing the High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens kissing another female. Hudgens publicist insists it’s all part a nationwide push to get straight males students to enroll in drama.

Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the View yesterday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dog fighting case. Tune in tomorrow, when Whoopie lays out her case to the girls on how Hilter’s heart was in the right place.

In Russia, the mayor of a Siberian town has ordered his bureaucrats to stop using the phrases "I don't know". The mayor hopes the new policy will encourage his administration to become more efficient liars.

The world's leading toymaker, Mattel Inc, announced a third recall of Chinese-made toys with "impermissible" levels of lead. Not surprisingly, the recall was mostly of units of Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants”.

A man residing in Riviera beach, who fathered eleven children himself, reportedly has 100 grandchildren. In this family, there’s probably something wrong with you if you haven’t slept a first cousin.

Sen. Larry Craig is said to be reconsidering giving up his Senate seat after his arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. Craig clearly refuses to go down easy, unless your anonymous foot bumps his in a seedy men’s room and you’re not a cop.

A woman celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette from a candle on her birthday cake. She then put out the birthday candles with 8 pounds of flem.

Things keep getting worse for the President Bush. First, his strategist Karl Rove handed in his resignation. Then yesterday, attorney general Alberto Gonzales announced he’s stepping down. Now today, Laura Bush said she’s leaving the White House to spend more time with her family.

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho has confirmed to pleading guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month which accuses him of making sexual overtures to an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport men’s room. Many note there’s been speculation over Craig’s orientation for years, but now it’s official: he is definitely Republican.

A report released on Tuesday said the United States has 90 guns for every 100 citizens, making it the most heavily armed society in the world and the worst place to cut across your neighbor’s lawn.

The class of 2007 averaged the lowest math and reading SAT scores since 1999. Of course, it’s actually not all that bad if you don’t average in Miss Teen South Carolina’s scores.

The son of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is preparing for deployment to Iraq next year. Around the same time next year, the sons of Mitt Romney are preparing to be deployed to Kinkos.

The White House has announced that President Bush’s daughter Jenna is officially engaged to a former assistant to political strategist Karl Rove. The young man swept Jenna off her feet by making her doubt her other suitors’ patriotism.

Forbes.com has declared Jay-Z the world’s richest rapper. But really, in the world of rap, who’s counting?

Paris Hilton unveiled her clothing line at a trendy boutique yesterday. Paris says of the line, “It's just Paris style: fun, bright and easily removable after two drinks."

Two co-defendants of Michael Vicks say the NFL star helped execute dogs that didn't put up a good fight. And that’s all Vicks’ attorneys needed to hear to know they may not want to phone this one in.

The Mint’s new Thomas Jefferson coin will begin circulating on Thursday. The Mint hopes the coin series helps educate the public on the nation’s early presidents. President Bush hopes the new coin series makes it easier to get Twizzlers out of the White House vending machine.

Karl Rove is busy tying up loose ends at the White House before his upcoming departure. Today, Rove handed over his set of keys to the President and his blue prints for the completion of the Death Star to the Vice President.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani vowed to stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Rudy plans to accomplish this by stationing more angry ex-wives and girlfriends at border check points.

Former Speaker of the House, Rep. Dennis Hastert intends to retire at the end of his current term. A spokesman for Hastert says he wants to spend more time with the three-layer chocolate retirement cake his staff surprises him with, hint, hint.

Courtney Love told Harper’s Bazaar that all her recent weight loss is due to discipline. True. It takes a lot of discipline to call your coke dealer every morning at 3 am, night, after night, after night.

Powerful thunderstorms caused flooding and chaos in New York City this morning, bringing the metropolis to its knees. In other news, al Qaeda has abandoned its pursuit of weapons of mass destruction and has decided to just go with rain dance lessons.

The flooding in NYC was so bad, Michael Bloomberg said “screw the subways” and rode his yacht to City Hall.

**

Last night, Barry Bonds slugged his 756 homerun to become the all time home run champ. For a moment, everyone at AT&T Park forgot about the controversy surrounding the feat, until an elated Bonds reached home plate and pressed his entire family and the on-deck batter over his head in celebration.

President George W. Bush did not call Bonds after the historic home run. He did, however, listen in on all the calls Bonds did receive.

**

A man was snagged smuggling a monkey under his hat onto an airplane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport yesterday. Flight attendants were tipped off about the tiny primate by passengers complaining that the man in the top hat was playing his organ too loud.

A 22-year-old man described as "not fully clothed" jumped the north fence into the White House grounds on Sunday. Isn’t that how the Bush’s twins’ dates usually exit the White House?

Starting today, the New York Times will reduce the width of its pages. Also starting today, the paper’s new slogan will be “All the News that’s fit to”.

A French rap star was booed off stage for supporting newly elected right-wing French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Apparently, rhyming something with “Sarkozy” means nothing to these people.

The Canada government is holding its first census of its shark population. So far, the census has found one shark and one third of the census taker who counted that shark.

The facebook profile of Rudolph Giuliani's daughter shows the 17-year-old is supporting Barack Obama for president. Looks like Rudy won’t be changing his views on abortion anytime soon.

Hollywood is planning on reducing its pigeon population by providing the ubiquitous birds with birth control. State officials hope the plan proves effective enough to dramatically lower the pigeon population while phasing out the wide-spread use of morning-after-crumbs.

Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his summer home in Maine on Monday. A spokesperson for the Supreme Court said Roberts would be fine, though the kid standing outside his hospital room holding a “Seizures for Chief Justices” sign is in deep shit.

President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown made it a point to highlight their areas of agreement Monday at Camp David. The leaders spoke of a united stand on Iraq, halting violence in Darfur, and keeping Michael Vick away from Tony Blair.

Cities nationwide have adopted a new tactic to combat street gangs; they're suing them. Street gangs plan to get around the new approach by resorting to the older, more time-tested tactic of knifing the guy who serves them the papers.

Rapper Twista has been dropped from McDonald's upcoming concert series. A spokesperson for McDonald's said, unlike most things dropped by McDonalds, the rapper will not be picked up, dusted off and served in a cardboard container.

In a stunning upset, the Iraqi football team beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the Asian Cup final. The Iraqi team’s victory was slightly marred when Shi'ite and Sunni players squabbled over who got to pour the barrel of oil over their coach’s head.

The Iraqi Sports Minister claimed the win was a victory for all Iraqis, except those shot during the celebratory post-game gunfire.

Immediately after Saudi’s loss, President Bush sent 3 battalions of full- backs to the Saudi Kingdom to protect America’s interests.

**

Hillary Clinton's handlers are outraged over a newspaper story musing over her showing a little cleavage. Hillary’s camp is urging supporters to fight back by stuffing cash into her coffers, while Bill Clinton is fighting back by asking “what cleavage?”

Paul Stanley of the rock band Kiss had to pull out of a show on Friday after his heart started beating at more than twice the normal level. Doctors treating the 55-year old Stanley advised him to rock and roll no later than 8:00 pm, and take brisk walks everyday.

The man who owns Jerry Garcia's house is selling the legend’s kitchen sink, or as Jerry called it, his ‘bong water refilling station’.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury for sponsoring dog fighting on his property. In his defense, he was only doing this to finance his real passion: kitten-torture parties.

The Chinese government has launched a campaign to limit the number of hours teenagers spend online playing games. The campaign hopes to accomplish this by reminding teens there’s also pornography online.

The Senate continued its marathon debate on the Iraq war into the morning hours today. The all night debate did not yield the results Democrats had hoped for, but they did have some fun sitting around the podium telling scary Dick Cheney stories.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey plans to hold a fundraiser for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama. As an act of charity, the two have promised to donate any leftover hors d'oeuvres from the event to McCain campaign.

Bobby Brown has said he fears that he may be killed by al-Qaeda on his upcoming tour of Australia. So, how many fans does Bobby Brown have in Australia and when did Whitney Houston join al-Qaeda?

Democrats are planning an all-night session of the Senate to debate President Bush's military strategy in Iraq. Most Republicans are calling it political theater; Senator Vitter is calling it a good alibi.

In a recent interview, John Edwards’ wife said Hillary Clinton was behaving like a man. Hillary defended herself, saying she’s never spent more than $18 on a haircut.

A spokesman for the Vatican stated that sexual abuse of children is not just a Catholic Church problem. According to many clergy, it’s also a proud tradition.

A Brisbane Rugby player was found to have another player’s tooth imbedded in his head for several months. In hockey, they call this “a keeper”.

A prison inmate in Pennsylvania gave birth in her cell. Prison officials are being criticized for not sending the woman to the hospital, though they did honor the inmate’s request to cut the umbilical cord with her own shank.

Al Gore's youngest daughter was married Saturday night. Gore beamed as the young couple promised to love, honor and cherish each other until extreme temperatures make their planet uninhabitable.

Reports say “Killer” wasps have infested areas around the State Department's headquarters. After numerous attempts to exterminate the deadly insects failed, State Department officials will now try winning over their hearts and minds.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is expected to pay out a $660 million settlement to those sexually abused by clergy. The huge settlement marks the strongest incentive yet for LA parents to take their children to church instead of auditions.

John Edwards and Hillary Rodham Clinton were overheard discussing their hope of limiting the number of Democrats in presidential debates. A spokesman for Dennis Kucinich said the candidate hasn’t felt this left out since his prom night.

Osama bin Laden appeared in a videotape posted on the Internet on Sunday, in which he praises martyrdom and, just to be a dick, talked about the end of the new Harry Potter movie without offering a spoiler alert.