Sen. Barack Obama won the Wyoming Democratic caucuses over the weekend. After his win, a beaming Hilary Clinton boasted, “That’s my Vice President!”

President Bush made his first appearance on the stage of the Gridiron Club of Washington journalists where he sang a song about looking forward to his return to Texas. The song went to #1 on the “you and us both” charts.

A 31-year-old software engineer recalled the correct order of an entire deck of playing cards in 2 minutes and 27 seconds on Saturday to take the title of having the best memory in the United States. Coming in dead last was that friend of yours who still owes you forty bucks.

About 5,000 files containing confidential data on MTV employees were illegally accessed by someone outside the company. This marks the worst case of theft at the network since someone lifted Kurt Loder’s “Just for Men”.

A new investigation revealed a vast array of pharmaceutical drugs have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. While further testing is underway, all Americans are still advised to drink 8 glasses of water a day, or ten if you’re really depressed.

Last night, John McCain clinched the GOP nomination over Mike Huckabee. After getting swept by McCain in four states and being forced to bow out of the race, Mike Huckabee is finally starting to believe in dinosaurs.

After campaign saving victories in Texas, Ohio, and Vermont, Hillary Rodham Clinton hinted at the possibility of sharing the Democratic presidential ticket with Barack Obama— with her at the top. Wow. She’s like the girl that gets kissed once and starts looking for a wedding dress.

Responding to Clinton’s comeback in the primaries last night, Obama’s people were quick to point out that the delegate math is still in favor of their man. But enough about the press.

Harvard University has banned men from one of its gyms for a few hours a week because Muslim women cannot exercise comfortably in their presence. So much for the, “No Shame, No Gain” gym posters.

An Israeli researcher is claiming Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. This would explain why he scrapped the 11th Commandment, “Thou’ shall not eat the brown acid.”

Hundreds of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers flocked to the Plaza Hotel Saturday to take part in the landmark's reopening. The highlight of the reopening ceremony was the annual shooing away of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers.

A new BBC documentary reveals that the Hell’s Angels had plotted to assassinate Mick Jagger after he stopped using them as bouncers. They would have also gone after Keith Richards, but they really thought that one would take care of itself.

The Russian presidential elections were held this weekend. In the end, the Putin supported Dmitry Medvedev scored a decisive victory over challenger, “getting whacked in your kneecaps.”

The estate of Ric Weiland, one of the first five people to work at the software giant Microsoft, has left $65 million to gay rights organizations. Unfortunately, they blew it all last night on their Oscar party.

Millions of viewers from around the world tuned into the 80th Academy Awards show last night. The best picture award went to the Coen’s brother’s dark crime drama, “No Country For Old Men”, while best makeup went to the “Clinton Campaign”.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced that he is launching another independent campaign for the White House. At last, an independent minded candidate with the courage to hand the election back to the Republicans.

Some California McDonald's are being redesigned using the principles of feng shui. And, for a limited time only at these locations, you can get your Quarter Pounder with extra Ch’i.

Saudi Arabia’s Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice sent their religious police to arrest 57 men who were flirting with women in front of a shopping mall. Wise move… taking down flirts is no job for mall security.

A new report says that the 100-day Hollywood writers strike took a $2.5 billion toll on the Los Angeles County economy, but more importantly, it got the American Gladiators off the streets.

Iraqi authorities plan to round up homeless and mentally ill residents to prevent them from becoming used as suicide bombers. Truth be told, that’s also how they went about forming their government.

Sources say the 4-year-old son of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin showed no fear after recently being bitten by a baby boa constrictor. Little perspective here: he cried like a bitch when mommy wouldn’t cover the bite with a Dora the Explorer band-aid.

A lunar eclipse will take place tonight in which the moon will be dim, but won't disappear. Kind of like the Huckabee campaign.

Hillary Clinton has now lost 10 primaries in row. Her popularity has plummeted so drastically, MSNBC accidentally posted a picture of Osama up while talking about Hillary, and apologized to Osama.

Reacting to accusations of verbal plagiarism, Sen. Obama said he doesn't think it was a big deal that he borrowed lines from the Governor of Massachusetts. The presidential hopeful went on to say, if elected, he would stop borrowing lines from other politicians, starting on day one.

The founders of Ben & Jerry's have endorsed Barack Obama. The ice cream moguls say they’re also for change, though mostly in pants sizes.

Ben and Jerry are sending out two "ObamaMobiles" to drive around Vermont giving away scoops of "Cherries for Change" ice cream to Obama supporters, and scoops of “Ice Queen” for Hillary supporters.

Ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro said that he is retiring after 49 years. Luckily, Cuba is chock-full of healthy, young relief dictators.

The new issue of New York magazine features Lindsay Lohan posing nude in a recreation of one of Marilyn Monroe's most famous photo shoots. When first approached about the shoot, Lohan responded, "Sure! What kind of car was she getting out of?”

Pakistanis took to the polls today. In what is a crucial election, the people of Pakistan will decide who will be their next dead politician.

Former first lady Nancy Reagan wound up in a Los Angeles hospital early Monday. Doctors say she fell down, though Reagan insists she merely trickled down.

143 million pounds of beef are being recalled. Relax America, this doesn’t mean they’re taking your fries back, too.

The nation’s homeless are taking advantage of the foreclosure crisis and moving into vacant homes. And why not; they’re already not paid for.

Israeli military has reported that a drug used to treat impotence could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. No word yet whether the drug can cure premature carpet-bombing.

At the Grammy’s, Aretha Franklin got upset when Tina Turner was referred to as “the queen”. Meanwhile, the Queen Mary recently got upset when someone referred to it as “The Aretha”.

Today, Roger Clemens testified under oath before Congress. Clemens lasted four and 2/3 hours, gave up seven lies and almost struck five congressmen.

Some members of congress may be in trouble for getting Roger Clemens’ autograph. Of course, Clemens didn’t help his case by signing several autographs with a syringe.

The FBI has warned that Valentine's Day e-greetings from a stranger could actually be a "Trojan horse" that’s destructive to your computer, as opposed to the Valentine's Day e-greeting you send in lieu of a real card that's only destructive to your relationship.

For the first time in 100 years, a beagle has won the Westminster dog show. The victory marked the biggest triumph for beagles since the Flying Ace took down the Red Baron.

Over the weekend, Barack Obama swept three states' primaries on Saturday and won the Maine caucus on Sunday. He followed these victories by beating Bill Clinton at the Grammies for best spoken word album and then kicking Chelsea’s ass in Scrabulous.

Madame Tussauds Washington wax museum revealed its Barack Obama figure Monday. Shortly after, the wax Obama was endorsed by the wax Abraham Lincoln and the wax Liberace.

In a 60 Minutes interview, Hillary said she stays healthy by eating hot peppers. She also confessed to replicating human emotions by cutting raw onions.

Singer Amy Winehouse won five Grammy’s last night. The stunned newcomer could barely contain her excitement over her good fortune, until it was explained to her that a “Grammy” is not a unit of measurement.

A 56-year-old, six time convicted sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The level 3 sex offender says despite his newfound wealth, he has no plans for an early retirement.
Sorry ladies.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is expected to drop out of the Presidential race, though his campaign manager wants him to wait another few months until it’s too late.

Rudy says he looks forward to arriving back in New York, where ignoring the rest of the country is not just a strategy, but a way of life.

After another third place finish, Democrat John Edwards is dropping out of the presidential race. Pundits are now anxiously are waiting to see whether Edwards endorses Finesse or Pantene.

Sen. John McCain won the Florida primary yesterday. Ignoring differences in policies and experience, exit polls show Floridians went with the candidate they’d most like to play a game of shuffleboard with.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in LA now has a vending machine that dispenses medical marijuana. Getting your pot and your Cheetos in one place; why are we making life so easy for stoners?

Meg Whitman will soon step down as chief executive of eBay Inc. One employee had this to say, “Great Boss. :) Would definitely work for again!!!.”

A study released Wednesday found President Bush and his top officials lied a total of 935 times in the run-up to the Iraq war. And that was just to Barney the dog.

Former president Bill Clinton accused Barack Obama of a political "hit job." Obama has since backed down after waking up with John Kerry’s severed head in his bed.

Mitt Romney is now focusing on his business resume to secure votes. If that doesn’t work out, he can always fall back on his down home, everyman persona.

Polls show Rudy Giuliani has dropped to third place in the Florida Primary.
Sadly, this is after spending more time and money in Florida than he did in his second marriage.

Venezuela's opposition is demanding leftist President Hugo Chavez take a drug test after he said he chews coca leaves to keep up his energy. The accusation could put a crimp in Chavez’s plan to build a giant straw connecting Venezuela to Columbia.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" because the show insisted he cut one of his songs down. If that song was “Octopus’s Garden”, then high-five Reg!

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson announced today that he is withdrawing from the Republican presidential race, effective 2 months ago.

The world’s largest swimming people has opened at a resort on Chile's southern coast. This pool is so large, the lifeguards wear telescopes. This pool is so enormous, the Pacific is considered its kiddie pool. This pool is so gigantic, God peed in it and no one noticed.

Census figures show that fewer people are moving to Florida. Census officials suspect the trend may be due to people catching on to what happens to people that move to Florida.

A former Republican congressman was indicted for raising over $130,000 for a charity that supported Al Qaeda. I hope the Osama tote bag was worth it.

Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar has announced he wants to become the “ambassador of peace.” And Osama thought it was embarrassing when the kid wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees.

A high school track star has been disqualified from a meet because officials said the custom-made outfit she wears to conform to her Muslim faith violated competition rules. Oh, so it’s fine for an American student to run track in vest of dynamite...

Tom Cruise made a visit to Jerry’s Seinfeld’s NYC garage to check out his car collection. Tom was happy to report there were no Suppressive Porches.

British pop star George Michael is working on a memoir to be released in 2009. The memoir will be titled “Anything to infiltrate your bathroom.”

It was announced that Oprah Winfrey will soon be getting her own television network. The network will debut in early 2009, coincidentally, right around the time Oprah is scheduled to get her own U.S. President.

The Plague, or Black Death as it was known in mid-evil times, is re-emerging worldwide. Scientists say they’re surprised to see the deadly disease back, but even more surprised by the return of witches.

At today's annual Macworld, Steve Jobs unveiled a new personal laptop. The new super slim computer is less than an inch thick and is turned on the moment it's opened. Designed by Apple, inspired by Paris Hilton.

Today marks the return of American Idol. I promise to vote for anyone who doesn’t sing about “change”.

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said he will not run from his statement 15 years ago that AIDS patients should have been isolated, though he is backing off his decade old assertion that anyone with herpes should be shipped to Staten Island.

A number of prominent entertainers have been cited in connection with a steroid investigation, including Tyler Perry. The disclosure satisfies many who refused to believe that Perry’s work could suck that hard naturally.

The investigation also suggested possible steroid abuse by rapper 50 Cent, which would explain why his last album “Curtis” received four out of five asterisks.

A Japanese climber lost in the mountains for more than a week in frigid conditions survived by eating snow. Of course, he just icicled most of it out.

After getting married, a British couple discovered that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families. The saddest part is, neither ever got to meet their natural in-laws.

The Smurfs marked their 50th birthday in Belgium today. Papa Smurf is so old now, he’s not sure if he’s a Smurf or a member of the Blue Man Group.

A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time. Once again, the terrorists gain the upper hand through their crafty use of “autopay”.

A Polish man visiting a brothel was shocked to discover his wife among the establishment's employees. He then paid her fifty Euros to never tell herself he was there.

**

Sen. John Kerry has endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for the White House. Man, Hillary is on a roll.

Some saw Kerry’s endorsement of Obama as a slap in the face to his 2004 running mate John Edwards. Others saw it as Kerry’s best shot at having a black friend.

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has ended his long-shot bid for the Democratic presidential nomination, and began his long-shot bid as the next spokesman for Slimfast.

Starbucks has fired its chief executive, Jim Donald. This begs the question: where does someone that gets fired from Starbucks kill time during the day?

A 10-year-old Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. To his credit, at least he’s using his school supplies.

During his trip to the Mid East today, President Bush called Iran a threat to world peace. He then cautiously asked, “I’m not in Iran right now, am I?”

A leading scientist claims Russia will be the first nation to put a man on Mars, or at least the first nation to put a man on Mars involuntarily.

A comedian and filmmaker is living inside a NJ Ikea while his New York City apartment is being fumigated. The bugs proved smarter; they’ll be staying at a Crate & Barrel.

Roger Clemens says he'll do all he can to prove he didn't use steroids. In other news, Clemens’ former trainer was killed today by an errant 98 mph fastball.

President Bush signed legislation today aimed at preventing the severely mentally ill from buying guns. The only stipulation was he doesn’t have to be the one to break the news to Ted Nugent.

A Boy Scout foiled an assassination attempt on the president of the Maldives today. Of course, over there the Boy Scout Motto is “Always Be Prepar- HE’S GOT A KNIFE!”.

Brittney Spears’ abandoned car was impounded today. Dr. Phil has already made two visits to the car.

New Hampshire experienced unseasonably pleasant weather today. It was so was warm, Mitt Romney shed a layer of skin. It was so nice outside, kids were swimming in Hillary’s tears. It was so balmy, John McCain cooled off by waterboarding himself.

General Motors Corp. has declared that cars that drive themselves could be a reality within a decade. Saudi Arabia responded to the announcement by asking GM, “even the female ones?”

Television’s Dr. Phil met with Britney Spears on Saturday and said she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention, which he plans to talk more about on his talk show this week. At last, Britney is going to get the publicity she needs.

The Presidential debates in New Hampshire over the weekend got rather heated, with McCain going after Romney, Edwards going after Clinton, and security going after Kucinich.

Thus far, President Bush has not given any clue as to which candidate he favors. He’s probably waiting to see who Supreme Court gets behind.

The CEO of Krispy Kreme has resigned for personal reasons. The company stated the exiting chief wants to spend more time glazing his family.

Yesterday evening, after a three-hour showdown involving her two young sons, paramedics took an intoxicated Britney Spears out of her home in a gurney and loaded her into an ambulance that was escorted by a row of police cars. And she still had a better night than Hillary Clinton.

After a disappointing third place finish in Iowa last night, Hillary has vowed to defy the odds and become African American.

Looking for the upside, Clinton’s third place showing positions her to be the new “Comeback in four to eight years kid”.

In New Hampshire this morning, Hillary declared herself the candidate for America's youth. Because nothing appeals to young America more than smart pantsuits.

ABC News is eliminating Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter and Democrats Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel from its prime- time presidential debates. Lucky for them, all three struggling candidates do still qualify to tangle with Screech and Maria Osmond on ABC’s, “Debating with the Stars”.