This week, Laura and Jenna Bush are busy promoting their children’s book about a boy who discovers the excitement of reading. The President has already stated he’s waiting for the cartoon.

In the hours after winning Pennsylvania's Democratic presidential primary, Hillary Clinton raised $3 million, or as Obama calls it, “tip money”.

A new government report has found that the upper Midwest has the worst drunken driving rates in the country. This may explain why people in the upper Midwest are having such a hard time finding their way out of the upper Midwest.

**

A California investor has plans to develop an amusement park in downtown Baghdad. Planners predict of the 500-acre park will attract Iraqis from all over who are willing to wait in long lines to get blown up.

While the Shiites and Sunnis have not been able to come together at the negotiating table, the Iraqi government has high hopes that things will be different at the negotiating tea cups.

Democratic voters in Pennsylvania came out to vote in the first primary in six weeks. I don’t want to say Hillary was nervous about this one, but she spent the entire afternoon in Amish country doing cider shots.

In an interview with ABC this morning, Hillary warned that, as president, she could "totally obliterate" Iran if it attacked Israel. This answer was surprising, considering the question was, “how ya holding up?”

Hillary acknowledged today that her White House bid rides on the outcome of the Pennsylvania primary. She then caught a glimpse of her shadow and said, “Fuck it- I’m in it for 6 more weeks either way!”

Today, Michael Moore has announced he is backing Barak Obama for President. The endorsement should be a big help to Barack in next week’s Cuban primaries.

The pope wound up his visit by holding a mass at Yankee stadium, which was conveniently rolled into the Yankees annual Staff Day.

Many on hand for the mass said they felt God’s presence there with them, though they knew He’d be gone come postseason.

The Pope’s service didn’t impress everyone, as the news came down halfway through the service that Steinbrenner had traded his Holiness for two Cardinals and one Bishop to be named later.

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Republican presidential candidate John McCain spends this week visiting economically struggling areas of the country. First stop: Clinton campaign headquarters.

Barack Obama was greeted by 35,000 people in Philadelphia, the largest crowd of his campaign. Unfortunately, they were all wearing crosses and holding shotguns.

A Maryland mother has given birth to a rare set of quadruplets in which three of the four boys are identical. It’s like having one lead baby with his own set of backup criers.

A homeless New York man found two sets of confidential blueprints for the planned Freedom Tower carelessly dumped in a city garbage can. Come on people- there’s a reason we have Freedom Shredders.

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a newspaper report that he had divorced his wife Lyudmila and planned to marry a gymnastics champion. He does, however, wish Lyudmila was at least flexible enough to do the “Upside Down Sickle” once in a while.

A passenger who was praying in the back of the plane before take off was removed after refusing to return to his seat. You’d think he would’ve preferred to save his prayers till 30,000 feet up, where he's more likely to get a signal.

A newly formed NBC Universal production unit is teaming up with an advertising agency to create programs around sponsors' products. So if you liked “Cavemen”, you’ll love NBC’s upcoming “Bears Shitting in the Woods Variety Hour.”

While in town, Pope Benedict has been meeting privately for talk and prayer sessions with survivors of clergy sexual abuse scandal. Many critics of the church are praising the Pope’s efforts to reach out to the victims, though most agree that dubbing these private meetings the “seven minutes in heaven” tour is a bit inappropriate.

Today, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with all three presidential candidates. Brown remarked he looks forward to working with an allay who doesn’t greet his every visit to the States with, “Whatja bring me?”

Sen. Barack Obama suggested he doesn't see any point in another debate with Hillary Clinton after last night’s debate failed to focus on the real problems facing average voters. Sounds like the words of someone who wants to avoid explaining why he never smells like apple pie…

Edward Lorenz, a meteorologist who became the father of the modern field of chaos theory, died. Doctors say the cause of death was cancer, while others theorize he was blown out of his hospital bed by a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia.

The women's cable channel Lifetime is in talks with Donald Trump to executive produce and narrate a scripted series. It’s been speculated on for years, but it can now be said with some degree of certainty; Lifetime has low self-esteem.

A crowd of more than 9,000 gathered on the South Lawn of the White House to celebrate the birthday of Pope Benedict XVI. The celebration was capped off with Pope Benedict twisting up a balloon cross for President Bush.

An ex-nanny for Rob Lowe publicly accused the actor of sexually abusing her for years. The woman claims she could not bring herself to alert the authorities until now because she “needed the job” and “come on- Rob Lowe is like every sexual abuse victim’s dream.”

A computer programmer popped the question to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite video game so the proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain level. The joyous occasion was short-lived as the woman was shot dead by an alien soldier moments after the proposal.

During a stop at Villanova University, a student asked John McCain to join him to do a shot. Senator McCain declined, at which point Hillary Clinton showed up and did kegs stands with the students until they had to pump her stomach.

Sen. Clinton outlined an aggressive agenda for her first 100 days in the White House. Day one: Show up at White House with furniture and inform the Obama’s you’re moving in.

A blind British runner became only the third person ever to complete seven marathons on seven continents in seven days. The man’s seeing eye dog, released this statement: “F this guy. I want a new assignment.”

Former defense secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld is working on his memoir. Rumsfeld believes he can tell his story in 100 pages, while his publisher is insisting on another 400 pages to do the job right.

A short film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man has been purchased for $1.5 million. The buyer promised the seller the video will be kept from the public’s eye and promised himself that this is positively it for porn for the rest of year.

A new form of cloning has been developed that is easier to carry out than old techniques, raising fears that it may be used to produce "designer" babies, possibly leading to an increase in illegal but highly trendy, designer back alley abortions.

The President greets the Pope in Washington today. To keep Bush from asking too many questions, his aids told him it was crazy hat day and left it at that.

A Red Sox fan attempted to jinx the new Yankee Stadium by burying a Boston team jersey under the new ballpark. Meanwhile across town, someone tried to jinx the new Mets stadium by burying a Mets jersey under it.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor traffic accident late Saturday. There was no drinking, drugs or babies involved, so Spears was let off with only a warning to make it more interesting next time.

Employees of the "Dr. Phil" television show posted bail for one of the Florida teenagers jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen. Let this be a lesson to anyone who beats someone within an inch of their life and wants to take their story to Povich.

After a week of cancellations, American Airlines says that its flight schedules are back to normal this week. Employees and customers of the airline are looking forward to getting back to delays.

An author who wrote several books for the popular Lonely Planet series of guidebooks says he made up large sections. Lonely Planet apologized to anyone who went to Chile expecting to see the world’s largest bowl of Chili.

American Airlines has grounded another 595 flights. Finally, an airline that caters to people with a fear of flying.

A frog has been found in a remote part of Indonesia that has no lungs. The frog was discovered smoking Camel Lights with abandon.

Barack Obama said if elected President, he'd end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays in the military. Good luck getting them to pull out.

A new chip is on the horizon that will let your iPod store 500,000 songs. Imagine having all the songs you love, plus all the ones you hate, on one device.

Rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested in South Florida for striking his wife. Vanilla was charged with simple battery, despite his promise that it was a one hit wonder.

The New York Police Department will soon begin randomly testing its police officers for steroid abuse. Those testing positive will be immediately transferred off the force and onto the Yankees.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the current economic slowdown is nothing like the Great Depression of the 1930s. He then ran headlong into a plexiglass window, bounced off of it and exclaimed to reporters, “See?”

CBS is canceling its new reality show "Secret Talents of the Stars" after only one episode. Now the public will have to settle for only knowing only the overt talents of Mr. Danny Bonaduce.

Microsoft Corp unveiled a web-based service for driving directions that helps its users avoid traffic jams. The service also gives drivers 10 points for every Mac user they hit.

Sean Penn and his wife, Robin Wright Penn, have withdrawn their divorce petition. Robin Wright Penn released a statement saying, “Why should Sean be the only one that has to live with himself”.

Several members of a Florida cheerleading squad have been arrested on charges of beating another teen with the intent to post it on YouTube. To give credit where credit's due, they did serve up the beating with a lot of spirit.

According to a new survey, the Bible is the most popular book in America. The survey was conducted on 2,513 adults trapped in hotel rooms.

The Pentagon has announced it is sending its new hand-held lie detectors to Afghanistan. Pentagon officials hope that sending them out of Washington will get them to stop beeping so loudly.

Tonight, all three Presidential hopefuls are scheduled to make an appearance on American Idol’s highly anticipated special, "Idol Gives Back". This will be followed immediately by the even more highly anticipated special, “Hillary Gives Up”.

A Viking ship made from ice-cream sticks set sail for England from the Netherlands on Tuesday. The ship was last seen entering the mouth of a whale getting checked for a sore throat.

Scientists have discovered that Solobacterium moorei is the bug responsible for bad breath. Unfortunately, no one has the nerve to tell Solobacterium moorei that it is the bug responsible for bad breath.

Hillary Clinton called on President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. Bush replied “only if they don’t let me throw out the first pitch”.

China has condemned protesters in London and France for their attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch, saying “if it was a monk on fire that was passing through your country, you wouldn’t try to put him out, would you? Oh… You would? Really? Hmm. Never mind”.

A new survey from the hotel chain Travelodge found that Britons like a dose of music from the band Coldplay to help them fall asleep. Wow. Using your music as a sleep aid- it’s every band’s rock and roll fantasy.

The parents of an Indian infant girl say she is doing fine despite having two pairs of eyes and lips and two noses. The parents added that they’re much more concerned with her twin brother, Little Timmy Two Sacks.

Police used tear gas early Sunday to disperse a crowd at a large party near the campus of Michigan State University. Pressure’s on, anyone throwing a party near the campus of Michigan State University in the near future.

Sunday, protesters made attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch as it arrived in London. Guess no one told the poor fools that this year’s Olympic torch was lit using the same technology as trick birthday candles.

A new study shows having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women. And if it's taking longer, then someone’s slacking off.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of what a hot a bride Beyonce made, she was proposed to four times during her walk down the isle.

Over the weekend, John McCain called for a campaign that is more like a respectful argument among friends. Someone please remind McCain he’s running for president, not debating who was hotter in their day, Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor.

This week, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a transgender man who is in his six-month of pregnancy. The man disclosed to Winfrey that the baby is going to be a girl, at least at first.

Heathrow Airport heightened its security on Friday. No new terrorists threats; they just heard Naomi Campbell was out on bail.

Astronomers using robotic cameras said they had found the youngest planet yet. Al Gore has already pledged to save it before it hits puberty.

DNA from ancient human feces found in a cave in Oregon provides biological confirmation that people were in North America 14,000 years ago. On a side note, so was corn.

A group of third graders in Georgia planned to attack their teacher with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and then stab her with a broken steak knife. Apparently, the field trip to Abu Ghraib left an impression.

A new survey has found male fans of classic rock are more likely to vote Republican. It also doesn’t hurt that John McCain ends every speech with "Freebird".

Presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would consider putting Al Gore in a high Cabinet-level position. That position: Secretary of Pissing Off the Clintons.

Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most No.1 singles on the Billboard singles chart. Call me when she can eat her own weight in fried chicken and amphetamines.

The New Kids on the Block, the once wildly popular boy band from the 80s, are reuniting. Be sure to catch them this summer on their “Old Guys Who Didn’t Invest Wisely” tour.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld narrowly escaped injury after the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed, sending his car into a roll over. Seinfeld released the following statement after the crash: “Newman”.

Addressing a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO today, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa. And really, who can forget the time she arrived in Philadelphia under a barrage of Clubber Lang uppercuts.

After being for Hillary, and then for Obama, 50 Cent now says he is not sure which presidential candidate he is for. Either way, it probably won’t be the old white guy who can’t throw his hands in the air.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using his image on billboards and the Internet without his consent. It’s basically Woody’s way of saying, please bring back the ads with hot young girls posing provocatively.

The British airline “Flybe” has hired temps to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to meet a target for passenger numbers. This might explain why their flights have been arriving 20 minutes late and losing everyone’s messages.

A woman has been arrested for stalking actor John Cusack outside his Malibu home. Guess it’s only charming when he shows up outside someone’s window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel.

On Sunday, CIA Director Michael Hayden said Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look western". Yet another reason to fear sitting next to the fat guy on your flight.

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, became the first world leader to decide not to attend the Olympics in Beijing. This is unfortunate, considering she was favored to bring home the gold in women’s weightlifting.

The Vatican's newly-released 2008 yearbook of statistics said Muslims have surpassed Roman Catholics in the world. Some are disputing the numbers, as the counters admitted that they might have accidentally counted some guy named Mohammad 8 billion times.

Senator Barack Obama has refused to go along with the growing calls for Hillary to drop out of the Presidential race. He would, however, not be opposed to Bill Clinton shutting the fuck up.

During a six-day bus tour, Barack Obama dropped by a bowling alley in Pennsylvania. Obamamania is really catching on in this state; any pins he didn’t knock down wound up fainting.

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright has canceled plans to speak at three services at a Houston church on Sunday, the church's pastor said. Church officials cite security concerns as the reason for the cancellation, while Barack Obama cites the power of prayer.

A new study shows that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. Pundits say the findings could potentially split the super-hot delegate vote.

A poll conducted by AOL Television found TV veteran Larry King to be the least sexy talk show host. King released a statement thanking Rosie O’Donnell for retiring.

Actress Elizabeth Banks is in final negotiations to play Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming film about President George Bush. An excited Banks says she’s up for the challenge, as she once played a pine tree in a second grade play.

This week, President Bush granted pardons to 15 individuals. Here’s the sad part: they were all characters from Scooby Doo.

Ryan Seacrest told an interviewer that it is his ambition to be the Dick Clark for our generation, the Merv Griffin for our generation, and the Larry King for our generation. Upon hearing this, our generation replied, "we were with you up until Larry King".

A registered sex offender once busted for trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl is running for mayor of a small Texas town. He claims to have learned from his past mistakes, as evidenced by his campaign slogan, “old enough to vote, old enough to arrange sex with.”

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling has revealed she thought of killing herself when she was a broke, single mother. Sources say Rowling still has the seven-volume suicide note to prove it.

The White House told a federal court that its older computer hard drives have been destroyed. This means the missing e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may never be recovered, and Bush has no way of ever proving he once broke 500,000 on Snood.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter yesterday. For those who don’t follow religion, Easter marks the resurrection of Christ, the guy people worshiped before Obama came along.

Rough day for Hillary Clinton. First, she was beaten by Obama in the Mississippi's Democratic primary; then it came out that Bill Clinton was Client #1 through #8.

Republicans threatened to impeach Gov. Eliot Spitzer if he does not quit over the sex scandal. This will likely mark the end of Eliot Spitzer’s political career, and the beginning of his wife Silda’s.

If Eliot Spitzer resigns, Lt. governor David Paterson would fill in and New York will have its first blind governor, or, another New Yorker “who didn’t see anything”.

President Bush is dispatching Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to keep the peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. Bush is calling it “Operation Lark”.

A new federal study shows at least one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Still, the official who conducted the study said he has no regrets.