Police used tear gas early Sunday to disperse a crowd at a large party near the campus of Michigan State University. Pressure’s on, anyone throwing a party near the campus of Michigan State University in the near future.

Sunday, protesters made attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch as it arrived in London. Guess no one told the poor fools that this year’s Olympic torch was lit using the same technology as trick birthday candles.

A new study shows having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women. And if it's taking longer, then someone’s slacking off.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of what a hot a bride Beyonce made, she was proposed to four times during her walk down the isle.

Over the weekend, John McCain called for a campaign that is more like a respectful argument among friends. Someone please remind McCain he’s running for president, not debating who was hotter in their day, Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor.

This week, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a transgender man who is in his six-month of pregnancy. The man disclosed to Winfrey that the baby is going to be a girl, at least at first.

Heathrow Airport heightened its security on Friday. No new terrorists threats; they just heard Naomi Campbell was out on bail.

Astronomers using robotic cameras said they had found the youngest planet yet. Al Gore has already pledged to save it before it hits puberty.

DNA from ancient human feces found in a cave in Oregon provides biological confirmation that people were in North America 14,000 years ago. On a side note, so was corn.

A group of third graders in Georgia planned to attack their teacher with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and then stab her with a broken steak knife. Apparently, the field trip to Abu Ghraib left an impression.

A new survey has found male fans of classic rock are more likely to vote Republican. It also doesn’t hurt that John McCain ends every speech with "Freebird".

Presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would consider putting Al Gore in a high Cabinet-level position. That position: Secretary of Pissing Off the Clintons.

Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most No.1 singles on the Billboard singles chart. Call me when she can eat her own weight in fried chicken and amphetamines.

The New Kids on the Block, the once wildly popular boy band from the 80s, are reuniting. Be sure to catch them this summer on their “Old Guys Who Didn’t Invest Wisely” tour.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld narrowly escaped injury after the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed, sending his car into a roll over. Seinfeld released the following statement after the crash: “Newman”.

Addressing a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO today, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa. And really, who can forget the time she arrived in Philadelphia under a barrage of Clubber Lang uppercuts.

After being for Hillary, and then for Obama, 50 Cent now says he is not sure which presidential candidate he is for. Either way, it probably won’t be the old white guy who can’t throw his hands in the air.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using his image on billboards and the Internet without his consent. It’s basically Woody’s way of saying, please bring back the ads with hot young girls posing provocatively.

The British airline “Flybe” has hired temps to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to meet a target for passenger numbers. This might explain why their flights have been arriving 20 minutes late and losing everyone’s messages.

A woman has been arrested for stalking actor John Cusack outside his Malibu home. Guess it’s only charming when he shows up outside someone’s window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel.

On Sunday, CIA Director Michael Hayden said Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look western". Yet another reason to fear sitting next to the fat guy on your flight.

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, became the first world leader to decide not to attend the Olympics in Beijing. This is unfortunate, considering she was favored to bring home the gold in women’s weightlifting.

The Vatican's newly-released 2008 yearbook of statistics said Muslims have surpassed Roman Catholics in the world. Some are disputing the numbers, as the counters admitted that they might have accidentally counted some guy named Mohammad 8 billion times.

Senator Barack Obama has refused to go along with the growing calls for Hillary to drop out of the Presidential race. He would, however, not be opposed to Bill Clinton shutting the fuck up.

During a six-day bus tour, Barack Obama dropped by a bowling alley in Pennsylvania. Obamamania is really catching on in this state; any pins he didn’t knock down wound up fainting.

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright has canceled plans to speak at three services at a Houston church on Sunday, the church's pastor said. Church officials cite security concerns as the reason for the cancellation, while Barack Obama cites the power of prayer.

A new study shows that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. Pundits say the findings could potentially split the super-hot delegate vote.

A poll conducted by AOL Television found TV veteran Larry King to be the least sexy talk show host. King released a statement thanking Rosie O’Donnell for retiring.

Actress Elizabeth Banks is in final negotiations to play Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming film about President George Bush. An excited Banks says she’s up for the challenge, as she once played a pine tree in a second grade play.

This week, President Bush granted pardons to 15 individuals. Here’s the sad part: they were all characters from Scooby Doo.

Ryan Seacrest told an interviewer that it is his ambition to be the Dick Clark for our generation, the Merv Griffin for our generation, and the Larry King for our generation. Upon hearing this, our generation replied, "we were with you up until Larry King".

A registered sex offender once busted for trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl is running for mayor of a small Texas town. He claims to have learned from his past mistakes, as evidenced by his campaign slogan, “old enough to vote, old enough to arrange sex with.”

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling has revealed she thought of killing herself when she was a broke, single mother. Sources say Rowling still has the seven-volume suicide note to prove it.

The White House told a federal court that its older computer hard drives have been destroyed. This means the missing e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may never be recovered, and Bush has no way of ever proving he once broke 500,000 on Snood.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter yesterday. For those who don’t follow religion, Easter marks the resurrection of Christ, the guy people worshiped before Obama came along.

Rough day for Hillary Clinton. First, she was beaten by Obama in the Mississippi's Democratic primary; then it came out that Bill Clinton was Client #1 through #8.

Republicans threatened to impeach Gov. Eliot Spitzer if he does not quit over the sex scandal. This will likely mark the end of Eliot Spitzer’s political career, and the beginning of his wife Silda’s.

If Eliot Spitzer resigns, Lt. governor David Paterson would fill in and New York will have its first blind governor, or, another New Yorker “who didn’t see anything”.

President Bush is dispatching Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to keep the peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. Bush is calling it “Operation Lark”.

A new federal study shows at least one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Still, the official who conducted the study said he has no regrets.

Sen. Barack Obama won the Wyoming Democratic caucuses over the weekend. After his win, a beaming Hilary Clinton boasted, “That’s my Vice President!”

President Bush made his first appearance on the stage of the Gridiron Club of Washington journalists where he sang a song about looking forward to his return to Texas. The song went to #1 on the “you and us both” charts.

A 31-year-old software engineer recalled the correct order of an entire deck of playing cards in 2 minutes and 27 seconds on Saturday to take the title of having the best memory in the United States. Coming in dead last was that friend of yours who still owes you forty bucks.

About 5,000 files containing confidential data on MTV employees were illegally accessed by someone outside the company. This marks the worst case of theft at the network since someone lifted Kurt Loder’s “Just for Men”.

A new investigation revealed a vast array of pharmaceutical drugs have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. While further testing is underway, all Americans are still advised to drink 8 glasses of water a day, or ten if you’re really depressed.

Last night, John McCain clinched the GOP nomination over Mike Huckabee. After getting swept by McCain in four states and being forced to bow out of the race, Mike Huckabee is finally starting to believe in dinosaurs.

After campaign saving victories in Texas, Ohio, and Vermont, Hillary Rodham Clinton hinted at the possibility of sharing the Democratic presidential ticket with Barack Obama— with her at the top. Wow. She’s like the girl that gets kissed once and starts looking for a wedding dress.

Responding to Clinton’s comeback in the primaries last night, Obama’s people were quick to point out that the delegate math is still in favor of their man. But enough about the press.

Harvard University has banned men from one of its gyms for a few hours a week because Muslim women cannot exercise comfortably in their presence. So much for the, “No Shame, No Gain” gym posters.

An Israeli researcher is claiming Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. This would explain why he scrapped the 11th Commandment, “Thou’ shall not eat the brown acid.”

Hundreds of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers flocked to the Plaza Hotel Saturday to take part in the landmark's reopening. The highlight of the reopening ceremony was the annual shooing away of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers.

A new BBC documentary reveals that the Hell’s Angels had plotted to assassinate Mick Jagger after he stopped using them as bouncers. They would have also gone after Keith Richards, but they really thought that one would take care of itself.

The Russian presidential elections were held this weekend. In the end, the Putin supported Dmitry Medvedev scored a decisive victory over challenger, “getting whacked in your kneecaps.”

The estate of Ric Weiland, one of the first five people to work at the software giant Microsoft, has left $65 million to gay rights organizations. Unfortunately, they blew it all last night on their Oscar party.

Millions of viewers from around the world tuned into the 80th Academy Awards show last night. The best picture award went to the Coen’s brother’s dark crime drama, “No Country For Old Men”, while best makeup went to the “Clinton Campaign”.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced that he is launching another independent campaign for the White House. At last, an independent minded candidate with the courage to hand the election back to the Republicans.

Some California McDonald's are being redesigned using the principles of feng shui. And, for a limited time only at these locations, you can get your Quarter Pounder with extra Ch’i.

Saudi Arabia’s Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice sent their religious police to arrest 57 men who were flirting with women in front of a shopping mall. Wise move… taking down flirts is no job for mall security.

A new report says that the 100-day Hollywood writers strike took a $2.5 billion toll on the Los Angeles County economy, but more importantly, it got the American Gladiators off the streets.

Iraqi authorities plan to round up homeless and mentally ill residents to prevent them from becoming used as suicide bombers. Truth be told, that’s also how they went about forming their government.

Sources say the 4-year-old son of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin showed no fear after recently being bitten by a baby boa constrictor. Little perspective here: he cried like a bitch when mommy wouldn’t cover the bite with a Dora the Explorer band-aid.

A lunar eclipse will take place tonight in which the moon will be dim, but won't disappear. Kind of like the Huckabee campaign.

Hillary Clinton has now lost 10 primaries in row. Her popularity has plummeted so drastically, MSNBC accidentally posted a picture of Osama up while talking about Hillary, and apologized to Osama.

Reacting to accusations of verbal plagiarism, Sen. Obama said he doesn't think it was a big deal that he borrowed lines from the Governor of Massachusetts. The presidential hopeful went on to say, if elected, he would stop borrowing lines from other politicians, starting on day one.

The founders of Ben & Jerry's have endorsed Barack Obama. The ice cream moguls say they’re also for change, though mostly in pants sizes.

Ben and Jerry are sending out two "ObamaMobiles" to drive around Vermont giving away scoops of "Cherries for Change" ice cream to Obama supporters, and scoops of “Ice Queen” for Hillary supporters.

Ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro said that he is retiring after 49 years. Luckily, Cuba is chock-full of healthy, young relief dictators.

The new issue of New York magazine features Lindsay Lohan posing nude in a recreation of one of Marilyn Monroe's most famous photo shoots. When first approached about the shoot, Lohan responded, "Sure! What kind of car was she getting out of?”

Pakistanis took to the polls today. In what is a crucial election, the people of Pakistan will decide who will be their next dead politician.

Former first lady Nancy Reagan wound up in a Los Angeles hospital early Monday. Doctors say she fell down, though Reagan insists she merely trickled down.

143 million pounds of beef are being recalled. Relax America, this doesn’t mean they’re taking your fries back, too.

The nation’s homeless are taking advantage of the foreclosure crisis and moving into vacant homes. And why not; they’re already not paid for.

Israeli military has reported that a drug used to treat impotence could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. No word yet whether the drug can cure premature carpet-bombing.

At the Grammy’s, Aretha Franklin got upset when Tina Turner was referred to as “the queen”. Meanwhile, the Queen Mary recently got upset when someone referred to it as “The Aretha”.

Today, Roger Clemens testified under oath before Congress. Clemens lasted four and 2/3 hours, gave up seven lies and almost struck five congressmen.

Some members of congress may be in trouble for getting Roger Clemens’ autograph. Of course, Clemens didn’t help his case by signing several autographs with a syringe.

The FBI has warned that Valentine's Day e-greetings from a stranger could actually be a "Trojan horse" that’s destructive to your computer, as opposed to the Valentine's Day e-greeting you send in lieu of a real card that's only destructive to your relationship.

For the first time in 100 years, a beagle has won the Westminster dog show. The victory marked the biggest triumph for beagles since the Flying Ace took down the Red Baron.

Over the weekend, Barack Obama swept three states' primaries on Saturday and won the Maine caucus on Sunday. He followed these victories by beating Bill Clinton at the Grammies for best spoken word album and then kicking Chelsea’s ass in Scrabulous.

Madame Tussauds Washington wax museum revealed its Barack Obama figure Monday. Shortly after, the wax Obama was endorsed by the wax Abraham Lincoln and the wax Liberace.

In a 60 Minutes interview, Hillary said she stays healthy by eating hot peppers. She also confessed to replicating human emotions by cutting raw onions.

Singer Amy Winehouse won five Grammy’s last night. The stunned newcomer could barely contain her excitement over her good fortune, until it was explained to her that a “Grammy” is not a unit of measurement.

A 56-year-old, six time convicted sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The level 3 sex offender says despite his newfound wealth, he has no plans for an early retirement.
Sorry ladies.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is expected to drop out of the Presidential race, though his campaign manager wants him to wait another few months until it’s too late.

Rudy says he looks forward to arriving back in New York, where ignoring the rest of the country is not just a strategy, but a way of life.

After another third place finish, Democrat John Edwards is dropping out of the presidential race. Pundits are now anxiously are waiting to see whether Edwards endorses Finesse or Pantene.

Sen. John McCain won the Florida primary yesterday. Ignoring differences in policies and experience, exit polls show Floridians went with the candidate they’d most like to play a game of shuffleboard with.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in LA now has a vending machine that dispenses medical marijuana. Getting your pot and your Cheetos in one place; why are we making life so easy for stoners?

Meg Whitman will soon step down as chief executive of eBay Inc. One employee had this to say, “Great Boss. :) Would definitely work for again!!!.”

A study released Wednesday found President Bush and his top officials lied a total of 935 times in the run-up to the Iraq war. And that was just to Barney the dog.

Former president Bill Clinton accused Barack Obama of a political "hit job." Obama has since backed down after waking up with John Kerry’s severed head in his bed.

Mitt Romney is now focusing on his business resume to secure votes. If that doesn’t work out, he can always fall back on his down home, everyman persona.

Polls show Rudy Giuliani has dropped to third place in the Florida Primary.
Sadly, this is after spending more time and money in Florida than he did in his second marriage.

Venezuela's opposition is demanding leftist President Hugo Chavez take a drug test after he said he chews coca leaves to keep up his energy. The accusation could put a crimp in Chavez’s plan to build a giant straw connecting Venezuela to Columbia.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" because the show insisted he cut one of his songs down. If that song was “Octopus’s Garden”, then high-five Reg!

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson announced today that he is withdrawing from the Republican presidential race, effective 2 months ago.

The world’s largest swimming people has opened at a resort on Chile's southern coast. This pool is so large, the lifeguards wear telescopes. This pool is so enormous, the Pacific is considered its kiddie pool. This pool is so gigantic, God peed in it and no one noticed.

Census figures show that fewer people are moving to Florida. Census officials suspect the trend may be due to people catching on to what happens to people that move to Florida.

A former Republican congressman was indicted for raising over $130,000 for a charity that supported Al Qaeda. I hope the Osama tote bag was worth it.

Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar has announced he wants to become the “ambassador of peace.” And Osama thought it was embarrassing when the kid wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees.

A high school track star has been disqualified from a meet because officials said the custom-made outfit she wears to conform to her Muslim faith violated competition rules. Oh, so it’s fine for an American student to run track in vest of dynamite...

Tom Cruise made a visit to Jerry’s Seinfeld’s NYC garage to check out his car collection. Tom was happy to report there were no Suppressive Porches.

British pop star George Michael is working on a memoir to be released in 2009. The memoir will be titled “Anything to infiltrate your bathroom.”

It was announced that Oprah Winfrey will soon be getting her own television network. The network will debut in early 2009, coincidentally, right around the time Oprah is scheduled to get her own U.S. President.

The Plague, or Black Death as it was known in mid-evil times, is re-emerging worldwide. Scientists say they’re surprised to see the deadly disease back, but even more surprised by the return of witches.

At today's annual Macworld, Steve Jobs unveiled a new personal laptop. The new super slim computer is less than an inch thick and is turned on the moment it's opened. Designed by Apple, inspired by Paris Hilton.

Today marks the return of American Idol. I promise to vote for anyone who doesn’t sing about “change”.

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said he will not run from his statement 15 years ago that AIDS patients should have been isolated, though he is backing off his decade old assertion that anyone with herpes should be shipped to Staten Island.

A number of prominent entertainers have been cited in connection with a steroid investigation, including Tyler Perry. The disclosure satisfies many who refused to believe that Perry’s work could suck that hard naturally.

The investigation also suggested possible steroid abuse by rapper 50 Cent, which would explain why his last album “Curtis” received four out of five asterisks.

A Japanese climber lost in the mountains for more than a week in frigid conditions survived by eating snow. Of course, he just icicled most of it out.

After getting married, a British couple discovered that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families. The saddest part is, neither ever got to meet their natural in-laws.

The Smurfs marked their 50th birthday in Belgium today. Papa Smurf is so old now, he’s not sure if he’s a Smurf or a member of the Blue Man Group.

A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time. Once again, the terrorists gain the upper hand through their crafty use of “autopay”.

A Polish man visiting a brothel was shocked to discover his wife among the establishment's employees. He then paid her fifty Euros to never tell herself he was there.

**

Sen. John Kerry has endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for the White House. Man, Hillary is on a roll.

Some saw Kerry’s endorsement of Obama as a slap in the face to his 2004 running mate John Edwards. Others saw it as Kerry’s best shot at having a black friend.

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has ended his long-shot bid for the Democratic presidential nomination, and began his long-shot bid as the next spokesman for Slimfast.

Starbucks has fired its chief executive, Jim Donald. This begs the question: where does someone that gets fired from Starbucks kill time during the day?

A 10-year-old Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. To his credit, at least he’s using his school supplies.

During his trip to the Mid East today, President Bush called Iran a threat to world peace. He then cautiously asked, “I’m not in Iran right now, am I?”

A leading scientist claims Russia will be the first nation to put a man on Mars, or at least the first nation to put a man on Mars involuntarily.

A comedian and filmmaker is living inside a NJ Ikea while his New York City apartment is being fumigated. The bugs proved smarter; they’ll be staying at a Crate & Barrel.

Roger Clemens says he'll do all he can to prove he didn't use steroids. In other news, Clemens’ former trainer was killed today by an errant 98 mph fastball.

President Bush signed legislation today aimed at preventing the severely mentally ill from buying guns. The only stipulation was he doesn’t have to be the one to break the news to Ted Nugent.

A Boy Scout foiled an assassination attempt on the president of the Maldives today. Of course, over there the Boy Scout Motto is “Always Be Prepar- HE’S GOT A KNIFE!”.

Brittney Spears’ abandoned car was impounded today. Dr. Phil has already made two visits to the car.

New Hampshire experienced unseasonably pleasant weather today. It was so was warm, Mitt Romney shed a layer of skin. It was so nice outside, kids were swimming in Hillary’s tears. It was so balmy, John McCain cooled off by waterboarding himself.

General Motors Corp. has declared that cars that drive themselves could be a reality within a decade. Saudi Arabia responded to the announcement by asking GM, “even the female ones?”

Television’s Dr. Phil met with Britney Spears on Saturday and said she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention, which he plans to talk more about on his talk show this week. At last, Britney is going to get the publicity she needs.

The Presidential debates in New Hampshire over the weekend got rather heated, with McCain going after Romney, Edwards going after Clinton, and security going after Kucinich.

Thus far, President Bush has not given any clue as to which candidate he favors. He’s probably waiting to see who Supreme Court gets behind.

The CEO of Krispy Kreme has resigned for personal reasons. The company stated the exiting chief wants to spend more time glazing his family.

Yesterday evening, after a three-hour showdown involving her two young sons, paramedics took an intoxicated Britney Spears out of her home in a gurney and loaded her into an ambulance that was escorted by a row of police cars. And she still had a better night than Hillary Clinton.

After a disappointing third place finish in Iowa last night, Hillary has vowed to defy the odds and become African American.

Looking for the upside, Clinton’s third place showing positions her to be the new “Comeback in four to eight years kid”.

In New Hampshire this morning, Hillary declared herself the candidate for America's youth. Because nothing appeals to young America more than smart pantsuits.

ABC News is eliminating Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter and Democrats Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel from its prime- time presidential debates. Lucky for them, all three struggling candidates do still qualify to tangle with Screech and Maria Osmond on ABC’s, “Debating with the Stars”.

Britney Spears' custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline experienced a major setback with the announcement that her lawyers are quitting the case. Well, at least soon she’ll have a niece to drop around.

Sources say Nickelodeon is canceling the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears’ show, “Zoey 101”. The news promises to upset her young audience, many of whom consider Jamie Lynn a ‘ho model.

Author David Levy says that in the future, humans will be romantically involved with robots, to which Mitt Romney’s wife responded, “future”?

White house press secretary said President Bush will not be waiting up for the results of the primaries. Then again, neither will Fred Thompson.

New Jersey is getting close to becoming the first Northern state to apologize for slavery. Guess this means we’ve got a few years to go on that apology for Bon Jovi.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney stated that if elected president he and his wife will not embarrass the nation by their conduct in the White House, as happened in "the Clinton years." It’s true. One of the principal tenets of Mormonism is “No Fat Chicks”.

A man with a knife was arrested inside a campaign headquarters of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton in northeast Iowa. Dear God, is Mitt still trying to prove he’s a hunter?

The Clinton campaign is lining up baby-sitters to look after the little ones of caucus-moms so they’re freed up to vote. As a courtesy, they’ve also offered to watch over Dennis Kucinich.

NBC’s tonight show with Jay Leno returns tonight with special guest Republican, Mike Huckabee. The show’s writers will not be returning, though Huckabee’s material on evolution should deliver the big laughs.

France's smoking ban went into effect Tuesday with the start of the New Year. It’s expected to last until the French realize that wasn’t what stank.

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee told reporters Monday that he was pulling a negative ad designed to target Mitt Romney. He then he showed the ad to a room packed with reporters. So, if Mike Huckabee ever tells you he was going to punch you in the face, duck.

Looks like Mitt Romney has made a new year’s resolution. This morning he refused to even flip his calendar over to the new year.

In an online movie poll, moviegoers tagged Lindsay Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the year's worst performance by an actress. There was some redemption, as voters in the same poll honored Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the best performance by a drunk actress.

Hotel party princess Paris Hilton was spotted cozying up to Kevin Federline in Los Angeles this weekend. The year is starting out great for Paris; for the first time she’s being considered a ‘step up’.

The house where Michael Vick held illegal dog fights is up for sale for $1.1 million. Sure, the puppy electric chair needs some renovating, but it’s still a good deal.

An essay that won a six-year-old girl tickets to a Hannah Montana concert has been exposed as a fake. The essay began with the line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq", and was followed with, “If they’re floor seats, so did my Mommy.”

Fred Thompson said he's not consumed with winning the White House. This attitude is reflected in Thompson’s catchy new campaign slogan, “Whatever.”

A man has saved every piece of trash he has generated over the past year to see how much garbage one person could create. That man's name: Dane Cook.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone has joined a mission to retrieve three hostages held for years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. So far, Stone’s made their captivity two hours longer.

A 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to be the world's oldest, has died. In lieu of flowers, please fling poop.

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday. The bill is designed to protect the rights of people whose phone numbers have been illegally used in a movie or song.

Seven people were injured on Thursday when Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests came to blows in a dispute over how to clean the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Please guys, there’s more than one way to make that place immaculate.

Radiohead will perform its new album, "In Rainbows," in its entirety during a pre-taped, hour-long set that will premiere New Year's Eve on Current TV. The televised concert kicks off the band’s upcoming, “Thanks for spending 45 cents on our album” tour.

Today, Rudy Giuliani has launched a new ad campaign that invokes the 2001 terrorist attacks. To be fair, Rudy also invoked the attacks ordering an omelet this morning.

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he's leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. Hopefully, Paris will share some of it with Nikki and her Mom.

In an interview with Daily Record of Scotland, movie star Will Smith was quoted saying that Adolph Hitler was doing what he "thought was good." Hitler responded by saying the same thing about Smith regarding “Hitch”.

Pope Benedict on Tuesday said he hoped Christmas would bring consolation to those living in poverty, injustice and war, and if it can’t, there’s always the day-after Christmas markdowns!

A Global Positioning System was installed on a baby Jesus statue displayed in a Florida nativity scene after the previous year’s statue went missing. And, if you listen real close, you can hear this baby Jesus instruct, “Turn the other cheek left.”

Investigators are trying to determine how a Siberian tiger named Tatiana escaped its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas — killing one visitor and mauling two others. While the investigation is still open, Zoo officals all agree that giving Tatiana a tiger trampoline for Christmas was a bad call.

Despite the absence of their writers, several late night host are scheduled to resume shows starting January 2. Bad news for writers, good news for anyone who wants to hear the extended version of how Hillary Swank’s holidays went.

Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call from his wife, which he stopped his speech to answer. Rudy Giuliani: tough stance on gun control, kind of soft on wife control.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice upset many when she compared slain terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to Civil War General Robert E. Lee. She then upset even more people when she compared fugitive terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden to the Road Runner.

According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket come back to Earth stronger and deadlier. Kind of like Astronauts.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday on misdemeanor drunken driving charges. Of course, he could have just been really tired.

Police in Staten Island are searching for a "Ninja Burglar," who robs homes wearing a black ski mask and by entering through skylights and open windows. Police are on the lookout for someone who didn’t feel they were living up to their full potential as a “ninja accountant.”

Contributors to Hillary Clinton's campaign can now win a chance to watch the presidential debates with her husband, Bill Clinton, or at least they’ll have it on in the background.

Cameron Diaz was a special guest editor for October's National Geographic Kids, which was the magazine's first "Green Issue." The special issue hopes to teach kids that it’s once again fun to masturbate to National Geographic.

According to the new edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, about 16,000 words have lost their hyphens. Another 12,000 words are choosing to keep their hyphens intact until they’re ready to compound.

Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. Marceau is said to have died of imaginary causes.

Today I give you, ‘Jokes That Haven't Mattered For Well Over A Week!’

It was reported that Led Zeppelin will reunite in November for a one-time comeback concert in memory of Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records. Sources say the band will not be playing their signature song “Stairway to Heaven”, because, just too many stairs.

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, testified before Congress Monday and said that the troop "surge" in Iraq is improving the security situation in the country. Then someone dropped a pen and Petraeus dove under a desk.

The Walt Disney company said this week that it will not drop actress Vanessa Hudgens from the next "High School Musical" movie after she apologized to fans, saying that the 18 year-old has learned a valuable lesson. They have, however, let Donald Duck go after it was revealed he hasn’t worn pants in 75 years.

Democrats this past weekend held their first-ever Spanish language debate. The debate grew extremely heated when Hillary Clinton claimed that “Julio was going to the store”, prompting a defiant Barack Obama to point out that “ Marta likes to play records at the party”.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Sources say Hudson will be playing the role of the black person in Manhattan.

Ochi Yosuke, a Japanese man won the Air Guitar World Championship for the second consecutive year. Two years in a row? Sounds like this Yosuke fellow just may have future in no business.

The Russian military has successfully tested what it described as the world's most powerful non-nuclear air-delivered bomb. And just in time for World War I.

Google has stated on its blog that the company will pay up to $30 million in prize money to anyone able to land a privately funded spacecraft on the moon, because "it's cool". Did you mean “arrogant”?

A gifted parrot that could count to six, identify colors and even express frustration died this week after 30 years of helping researchers better understand the avian brain. The parrot’s last words: “Polly wants an open casket.”

A judge in California has ruled that a carpenter caught working in the nude was not guilty of indecent exposure because he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification. Still, big loss for the apprentice who has to hold his ladder steady.

Kid Rock was cited for misdemeanor battery at Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards following a physical altercation between him and Tommy Lee. I’d say they were fighting over Pamela Anderson’s honor, but that battle was lost a long time ago.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the use of lead paint on toys exported to the United States. This is the likely nail in the coffin for Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants.”

A woman in Oregon was arrested and charged with arson and burglary after police say she set fire to the home of a neighbor she thought had stolen her keys, even though she later found her keys handing from her pants pocket. I know how she feels; I do that all the time- again, my apologies to the Brisbane family.

Leaders of the nonprofit “One Laptop Per Child” acknowledged that the devices would cost $188 if mass production were to start now, not the $100 originally promised. Sadly, the new price means many children in poorer nations will have to settle for playing “minesweeper” the old fashioned way.

After 50 Cent famously announced that he would retire from rap if Kanye West’s new album outsold his in first-week sales, early reports show West is indeed outselling 50. Good news for West, bad news for the first guy who asks 50 to “upsize” his number three.

Former head of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by claiming that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil. A spokesman for the White House responded by saying, “Sure, at first it was all about the oil, but then we got to know the country and fell in love with it for its hopelessness.

A 23 year-old woman who boarded a Southwest Airlines plane in a shirt skirt for a flight to Arizona says she was led off the plane for wearing an outfit that was considered too skimpy. First, they don’t let us bring out bottled water onboard, now our hookers.

Louisiana's state agriculture commissioner said that Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area. The arrival of “Killer Bees” offers some much needed relief to New Orleans residents tired of worrying about drowning and getting shot.

Archaeologists on Monday exhumed the body of a Viking queen, hoping to solve the riddle about whether a woman buried with her 1200 years ago was a servant killed to be a companion into the afterlife, or someone who’s hair just got caught in the queen’s horns.

While Starbucks officials say they don't market their products to children and teenagers, they acknowledge that the under-18 set has become part of their customer base and are considering adding new drinks and drink sizes for kids. The new sizes include: “tiny”, “small”, and “have fun scraping your 7 year old off the ceiling.”

During the MTV Video Music Awards actor Shia LaBeouf revealed that the fourth Indiana Jones movie will be called "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." He then riveted the crowd even more by finally announcing his new pet turtle’s name will be “Sam”.

A city councilwoman is proposing a moratorium on fast-food restaurants in south Los Angeles, which has more such eateries than any other part of the country. Sounds like someone’s a little bitter “The King” never called.

The Mars Rover Opportunity will begin a risky drive Tuesday into a massive crater on Mars. Better leave early Mars Rover; by 7:00 am the crater traffic is practically backed up to Jupiter.

In the latest sign of corruption problems for Republicans, a corporate executive testified Friday that his employees worked for months to remodel the Alaska home of Sen. Ted Stevens. Man, that must be one sweet igloo.

A UPS manager and two employees were busted in the Bronx yesterday for allegedly using the brown trucks to deliver marijuana instead of packages. Their biggest mistep: wrapping all their deliveries in EZ Wider.

The Arctic's Northwest Passage has opened up fully because of melting sea ice. The new passage means there’s now an easier route for countries to reach the oil and gas rich Artic, and puts to rest any doubt that our grandchildren will be living on moon colonies.

During a recent trip to Israel, Ashton Kutcher told a group of Israeli businessmen and entertainers that Kabbalah had made him a better actor. Sounds like someone has discovered the true meaning of fake Judaism.

Madonna toasted the Jewish New Year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism." Don’t laugh; she could be an asset under the negotiating table.

It was announced Wednesday that for the second time, Daily Show host Jon Stewart will host this year's Academy Awards. Republicans have tapped Dennis Miller to offer the rebuttal.

Venezuelan officials claimed a world record Saturday for the world's largest pot of soup, 3,963 gallons of "sancocho" stew capable of feeding 60,000 to 70,000 hungry people...if only that fly hadn’t landed in it.

In a new audiotape out on this anniversary of 9/11, Osama bin Laden urged sympathizers to join the "caravan" of martyrs. In a related story, 50 cent has vowed to retire if Osama’s new release is more successful than his own.

The audiotape comes days after Osama’s first video tape appearance in nearly three years. The video begins with Osama telling Americans to embrace Islam to avert war and ends with four awkward minutes of Sara Silverman tearing him a new one.

Brittney Spears continues to be universally panned for her sluggish performance at the MTV Music Awards. Sources say Britney is so distraught over the criticism, she’s considering going back to being a stay-out-late mom.

New York City’s A-train turns 75 today. The MTA celebrated the train’s birthday by making everyone late for work.

New reports hint at more raunchy pictures to come showing the High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens kissing another female. Hudgens publicist insists it’s all part a nationwide push to get straight males students to enroll in drama.

Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the View yesterday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dog fighting case. Tune in tomorrow, when Whoopie lays out her case to the girls on how Hilter’s heart was in the right place.

In Russia, the mayor of a Siberian town has ordered his bureaucrats to stop using the phrases "I don't know". The mayor hopes the new policy will encourage his administration to become more efficient liars.

The world's leading toymaker, Mattel Inc, announced a third recall of Chinese-made toys with "impermissible" levels of lead. Not surprisingly, the recall was mostly of units of Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants”.

A man residing in Riviera beach, who fathered eleven children himself, reportedly has 100 grandchildren. In this family, there’s probably something wrong with you if you haven’t slept a first cousin.

Sen. Larry Craig is said to be reconsidering giving up his Senate seat after his arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. Craig clearly refuses to go down easy, unless your anonymous foot bumps his in a seedy men’s room and you’re not a cop.

A woman celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette from a candle on her birthday cake. She then put out the birthday candles with 8 pounds of flem.

Things keep getting worse for the President Bush. First, his strategist Karl Rove handed in his resignation. Then yesterday, attorney general Alberto Gonzales announced he’s stepping down. Now today, Laura Bush said she’s leaving the White House to spend more time with her family.

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho has confirmed to pleading guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month which accuses him of making sexual overtures to an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport men’s room. Many note there’s been speculation over Craig’s orientation for years, but now it’s official: he is definitely Republican.

A report released on Tuesday said the United States has 90 guns for every 100 citizens, making it the most heavily armed society in the world and the worst place to cut across your neighbor’s lawn.

The class of 2007 averaged the lowest math and reading SAT scores since 1999. Of course, it’s actually not all that bad if you don’t average in Miss Teen South Carolina’s scores.

The son of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is preparing for deployment to Iraq next year. Around the same time next year, the sons of Mitt Romney are preparing to be deployed to Kinkos.

The White House has announced that President Bush’s daughter Jenna is officially engaged to a former assistant to political strategist Karl Rove. The young man swept Jenna off her feet by making her doubt her other suitors’ patriotism.

Forbes.com has declared Jay-Z the world’s richest rapper. But really, in the world of rap, who’s counting?

Paris Hilton unveiled her clothing line at a trendy boutique yesterday. Paris says of the line, “It's just Paris style: fun, bright and easily removable after two drinks."

Two co-defendants of Michael Vicks say the NFL star helped execute dogs that didn't put up a good fight. And that’s all Vicks’ attorneys needed to hear to know they may not want to phone this one in.

The Mint’s new Thomas Jefferson coin will begin circulating on Thursday. The Mint hopes the coin series helps educate the public on the nation’s early presidents. President Bush hopes the new coin series makes it easier to get Twizzlers out of the White House vending machine.

Karl Rove is busy tying up loose ends at the White House before his upcoming departure. Today, Rove handed over his set of keys to the President and his blue prints for the completion of the Death Star to the Vice President.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani vowed to stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Rudy plans to accomplish this by stationing more angry ex-wives and girlfriends at border check points.

Former Speaker of the House, Rep. Dennis Hastert intends to retire at the end of his current term. A spokesman for Hastert says he wants to spend more time with the three-layer chocolate retirement cake his staff surprises him with, hint, hint.

Courtney Love told Harper’s Bazaar that all her recent weight loss is due to discipline. True. It takes a lot of discipline to call your coke dealer every morning at 3 am, night, after night, after night.

Powerful thunderstorms caused flooding and chaos in New York City this morning, bringing the metropolis to its knees. In other news, al Qaeda has abandoned its pursuit of weapons of mass destruction and has decided to just go with rain dance lessons.

The flooding in NYC was so bad, Michael Bloomberg said “screw the subways” and rode his yacht to City Hall.

**

Last night, Barry Bonds slugged his 756 homerun to become the all time home run champ. For a moment, everyone at AT&T Park forgot about the controversy surrounding the feat, until an elated Bonds reached home plate and pressed his entire family and the on-deck batter over his head in celebration.

President George W. Bush did not call Bonds after the historic home run. He did, however, listen in on all the calls Bonds did receive.

**

A man was snagged smuggling a monkey under his hat onto an airplane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport yesterday. Flight attendants were tipped off about the tiny primate by passengers complaining that the man in the top hat was playing his organ too loud.

A 22-year-old man described as "not fully clothed" jumped the north fence into the White House grounds on Sunday. Isn’t that how the Bush’s twins’ dates usually exit the White House?

Starting today, the New York Times will reduce the width of its pages. Also starting today, the paper’s new slogan will be “All the News that’s fit to”.

A French rap star was booed off stage for supporting newly elected right-wing French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Apparently, rhyming something with “Sarkozy” means nothing to these people.

The Canada government is holding its first census of its shark population. So far, the census has found one shark and one third of the census taker who counted that shark.

The facebook profile of Rudolph Giuliani's daughter shows the 17-year-old is supporting Barack Obama for president. Looks like Rudy won’t be changing his views on abortion anytime soon.

Hollywood is planning on reducing its pigeon population by providing the ubiquitous birds with birth control. State officials hope the plan proves effective enough to dramatically lower the pigeon population while phasing out the wide-spread use of morning-after-crumbs.

Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his summer home in Maine on Monday. A spokesperson for the Supreme Court said Roberts would be fine, though the kid standing outside his hospital room holding a “Seizures for Chief Justices” sign is in deep shit.

President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown made it a point to highlight their areas of agreement Monday at Camp David. The leaders spoke of a united stand on Iraq, halting violence in Darfur, and keeping Michael Vick away from Tony Blair.

Cities nationwide have adopted a new tactic to combat street gangs; they're suing them. Street gangs plan to get around the new approach by resorting to the older, more time-tested tactic of knifing the guy who serves them the papers.

Rapper Twista has been dropped from McDonald's upcoming concert series. A spokesperson for McDonald's said, unlike most things dropped by McDonalds, the rapper will not be picked up, dusted off and served in a cardboard container.

In a stunning upset, the Iraqi football team beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the Asian Cup final. The Iraqi team’s victory was slightly marred when Shi'ite and Sunni players squabbled over who got to pour the barrel of oil over their coach’s head.

The Iraqi Sports Minister claimed the win was a victory for all Iraqis, except those shot during the celebratory post-game gunfire.

Immediately after Saudi’s loss, President Bush sent 3 battalions of full- backs to the Saudi Kingdom to protect America’s interests.

**

Hillary Clinton's handlers are outraged over a newspaper story musing over her showing a little cleavage. Hillary’s camp is urging supporters to fight back by stuffing cash into her coffers, while Bill Clinton is fighting back by asking “what cleavage?”

Paul Stanley of the rock band Kiss had to pull out of a show on Friday after his heart started beating at more than twice the normal level. Doctors treating the 55-year old Stanley advised him to rock and roll no later than 8:00 pm, and take brisk walks everyday.

The man who owns Jerry Garcia's house is selling the legend’s kitchen sink, or as Jerry called it, his ‘bong water refilling station’.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury for sponsoring dog fighting on his property. In his defense, he was only doing this to finance his real passion: kitten-torture parties.

The Chinese government has launched a campaign to limit the number of hours teenagers spend online playing games. The campaign hopes to accomplish this by reminding teens there’s also pornography online.

The Senate continued its marathon debate on the Iraq war into the morning hours today. The all night debate did not yield the results Democrats had hoped for, but they did have some fun sitting around the podium telling scary Dick Cheney stories.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey plans to hold a fundraiser for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama. As an act of charity, the two have promised to donate any leftover hors d'oeuvres from the event to McCain campaign.

Bobby Brown has said he fears that he may be killed by al-Qaeda on his upcoming tour of Australia. So, how many fans does Bobby Brown have in Australia and when did Whitney Houston join al-Qaeda?

Democrats are planning an all-night session of the Senate to debate President Bush's military strategy in Iraq. Most Republicans are calling it political theater; Senator Vitter is calling it a good alibi.

In a recent interview, John Edwards’ wife said Hillary Clinton was behaving like a man. Hillary defended herself, saying she’s never spent more than $18 on a haircut.

A spokesman for the Vatican stated that sexual abuse of children is not just a Catholic Church problem. According to many clergy, it’s also a proud tradition.

A Brisbane Rugby player was found to have another player’s tooth imbedded in his head for several months. In hockey, they call this “a keeper”.

A prison inmate in Pennsylvania gave birth in her cell. Prison officials are being criticized for not sending the woman to the hospital, though they did honor the inmate’s request to cut the umbilical cord with her own shank.

Al Gore's youngest daughter was married Saturday night. Gore beamed as the young couple promised to love, honor and cherish each other until extreme temperatures make their planet uninhabitable.

Reports say “Killer” wasps have infested areas around the State Department's headquarters. After numerous attempts to exterminate the deadly insects failed, State Department officials will now try winning over their hearts and minds.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is expected to pay out a $660 million settlement to those sexually abused by clergy. The huge settlement marks the strongest incentive yet for LA parents to take their children to church instead of auditions.

John Edwards and Hillary Rodham Clinton were overheard discussing their hope of limiting the number of Democrats in presidential debates. A spokesman for Dennis Kucinich said the candidate hasn’t felt this left out since his prom night.

Osama bin Laden appeared in a videotape posted on the Internet on Sunday, in which he praises martyrdom and, just to be a dick, talked about the end of the new Harry Potter movie without offering a spoiler alert.

A Plug That Won't Matter Tomorrow

My joke is the Joke of the Week in the current issue of Time Out New York.

The photo was taken by Lisa Whiteman. She knows just how to bring out the pouty in me.

Coney Island’s famed Cyclone roller coaster is turning 80. Even scarier, the hamster powering it just turned 90.

Hugh Hefner's life is set to become a feature film. At this time, no one is signed on to play Hef, though several thousand actors have expressed interest in playing the role of his penis.

A spokesman for Paul McCartney said he will play a "surprise" concert at a Los Angeles record store on Wednesday. The agent also dropped a reminder that Sir Paul is also available for graduations and Bar Mitzvahs.

Rosie O'Donnell says she's will not replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right", though O'Donnell is still in talks to replace the evil clown in my nightmares.

Elwood, a 2-year-old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix, was crowned the world's ugliest dog. Don’t feel bad. They told him it was the World’s Greatest Leg-Humper competition.

Presidential candidate John Edwards returned to the signature theme of "two Americas" from his unsuccessful 2004 White House bid. Advisores felt the theme promoting economic equality struck a cord with voters more so than the theme he later adopted that year, “I’m with Fancypants Horseface”.

The 15-year-old son of two doctors successfully performed a caesarean section birth under his parents' watch in southern India. Most awkward way to learn where babies come from ever.

A lake in southern Chile has mysteriously disappeared. Many speculate the ground simply opened up and swallowed it whole, while a smaller contingent holds fast to the “Al Gore Cannonball” theory.

A new study claims that firstborn sons have higher IQs than their younger brothers. This would explain why throughout their childhood, younger brothers are constantly striking themselves, while their older, wiser brothers ask repeatedly, “why you hitting, yourself? Why you hitting yourself?”

The nation's largest doctors' group wants to have video game addiction officially classified as a psychiatric disorder. Would've been nice two decades ago when I lost everything that was dear to me for Qbert.

Heavy metal band Motley Crue filed a 20 million dollar lawsuit against their manager on Monday, accusing him of "poor career guidance”. Also being sued for poor career guidance? The salesperson that kept selling the band leather pants after they hit forty.

An experimental anti-poverty program in New York is rewarding poor residents with cash for good behavior. This program replaces an older, similar program commonly know as “a job”.

The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers. So, just to be clear, it’s no longer okay to rear-end thy neighbor's wife.

Tiger Woods’ wife gave birth to their first child on Monday. Sam Alexis Wood was born at 8 ½ pounds and came in at four pushes under par.

A new survey shows Moscow is the world's most expensive city to live in, and interestingly enough, also the most expensive city to be poisoned in.

Bob Barker has endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as a possible successor on "The Price Is Right". Barker says he’s looking for a replacement that would encourage dogs to neuter themselves.

A toddler who was served a margarita at an Applebee's last week is said to be doing well. The four people he hit driving his tricycle home, however, are still in critical condition.

A prescription pill bottle belonging to Elvis Presley was auctioned off for $2,640. Sources say Rush Limbaugh demanded his money back after discovering the bottle was empty.

Iraq is the world's second most unstable country, according to a recent survey. According to a recent President Bush, it’s Candy Land.

Duke University has reached an undisclosed financial settlement with three former lacrosse players falsely accused of raping a stripper. Adding insult to injury, the settlement will be paid out in singles.

Sorry.

Been too busy to write any jokes this week. Not even sure what's going on in the world. Are we still at war with Paris Hilton?

In Pennsylvania, a bear tried to pull a Girl Scout out of her tent during a troop camping trip. The Girl Scout narrowly escaped, but the bear did not, and is marked down for a dozen boxes of Samoas, six boxes of Thin Mints and four boxes of Do-si-dos.


Larry and Laurie David are separating. The couple issued a joint statement saying the split is amicable, with Laurie wanting to spend more time raising awareness of global warming, and Larry wanting to spend more time raising awareness of drafty seats in Los Angles based restaurants.

In light of the ongoing drought, Los Angeles is urging residents to cut down on their use of water. Lindsay Lohan has already generously pledged to shower in Grey Goose until the drought is over.

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released because of a medical condition. Doctor’s are said to be working around the clock to dislodge the silver spoon from Paris’ throat.

A top backer of John McCain’s presidential campaign quit over the candidate’s stance on immigration. McCain’s camp plans to replace the backer with a cheaper backer willing to do the stuff his former backer didn’t want to do.

Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.

Investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene of Lindsay Lohan’s car crash on Saturday. Judge her all you want; at least she can still afford coke after filling up her tank.

Paul McCartney’s video for a track off his new album debuted on YouTube. Unfortunately, Paul says he won’t get to see it, as he does not get that channel.

Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast food chains are suing rival Jack In The Box to stop running ads suggesting they use cow anus to make Angus beef hamburgers. Meanwhile, cows are suing Carl’s Jr. and Hardees for making it sound like their burgers taste better than a cow’s anus.

This year’s top Cannes award, the Palme d'Or, went to Romanian film about abortion. While it was the judge’s top pick, many disturbed audience members exited during the film’s first trimester.

This week, Star Wars celebrates its 30th anniversary. Funny. Doesn’t feel like I’ve been sleeping on Wookie bed sheets that long.

Chocolate maker Mars has reversed its recent decision to use trace amounts of animal products in its chocolate bars after the announcement caused an uproar with vegetarians. The company now promises to use only trace amounts of chocolate in its new Mars Meat Bars.

Last month, US authorities rejected 257 Chinese food shipments due to food safety standards. That must suck. My delivery guy gives me attitude when he has to bike back two blocks because they forgot my dumplings.

A White House spokesman called former president and Bush critic Jimmy Carter "increasingly irrelevant" yesterday. Carter can take solace in the fact that he now holds a place in Bush’s mind alongside the UN, Congress, and reason.

Congressional Democrats plan to pull the plug on abstinence-only sex education when a $50 million grant expires in June. The move has sparked outrage among social conservative groups, whose only hope to prevent sex now is to encourage marriage.

A woman who coached her children to fake mental retardation to collect disability benefits was sentenced to three years in prison on Thursday. Apparently, coaching her lawyer to fake mental retardation did not work out so well either.

The White House and lawmakers agreed today on a sweeping immigration plan to grant legal status to millions of illegal immigrants. They’re letting California join the union!

Former vice president Al Gore says he has "fallen out of love with politics", though he does admit that things between him and Hostess’ cream-filled cupcakes are still going hot and heavy.

Anheuser-Busch said it plans to stop selling its new malt beverage, Spykes, a product that critics claim appeals to underage drinkers. The company says it will still continue to sell beer, a product it is sure appeals to underage drinkers.

The famous island prison Alcatraz has gone under $3.5-million in renovations. Paris Hilton has already requested a room with a seaside view.

For the second straight year, Miami drivers have earned the city the title of worst “road rage”. A little less surprising- Miami was also named the city with the worst “raft rage”.

Popular online social network MySpace said it has identified, removed and blocked "a few thousand" user profiles of convicted sex offenders. Regular pervs, however, can still count as friends.

Author J.K. Rowling appealed to people to leave the ending of the final Harry Potter book as a surprise. President Bush has asked for the same in respect to the war in Iraq.

President Bush has named a senior general to be the first American "war tsar". Lt Gen Douglas Lute is expected to co-ordinate the ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well explain to the President what happened to the “Z” in tsar.

The Bald Eagle population has reached its highest level since World War II, and may soon be removed from the endangered species list. What a relief. Bush was this close to making Harriet Myers our national bird.

Starting today, the defense department is blocking access to YouTube and MySpace to all soldiers serving overseas. In other news, army recruitment just dropped 100%.

Donald Trump became a grandfather over the weekend. The Don was so excited to welcome a new member into his family, he agreed to let the kid slide on staying at one of his properties rent-free for nine months.

At a ceremony marking the 400th anniversary of Jamestown, President Bush directed an orchestra during part of its performance of "Stars and Stripes Forever." After Bush gave back the baton to the conductor and walked away, the concert fell into chaos with the string, brass and percussion sections all battling for control of the orchestra.

President Bush has demanded action on his plan to cut U.S. gasoline use by 20 percent by 2017. Bush is already doing his part; today, he refused to pick up one of his appointees from the witness stand.

A new survey has found that Katrina has dropped off the top one-hundred list of baby names. The only less popular baby girl names today: Browny and Fema.

Singer and activist Sheryl Crow has adopted a baby boy. Not just any baby boy; this kid runs on solar power. 



A new study shows the U.S. divorce rate is the lowest it’s been since 1970. This means only one thing; Liz Taylor needs to start dating again. 



The Motion Picture Assn. of America Filmmakers has decided to consider film depictions of smoking among the criteria for assigning movie ratings. This decision has been rated FR for fucking ridiculous. 



Sources within the Pentagon say that the biggest obstacle for U.S. military recruiters today is parents. Specifically, the parents of Barbara and Jenna Bush.

JetBlue removed its founder and chief executive David Neeleman after major service problems over the last few months. Neeleman’s departure is expected to be delayed between 9 to 12 hours.

Concert-goers attending the Boston Pops were caught off-guard when a fight broke out on opening night at Symphony Hall. Apparently, the season ticket holders don’t want to hear the band do “Freebird” as much as the rest of us.

The stars of "Ocean's Thirteen" have announced they plan to use their film to call attention to the genocide in Darfur. Just what Darfur needs to turn things around; inside jokes between George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Researchers have linked oral sex to throat cancer. Bad news for blow jobs, good news for anal sex.

The United States filed charges of conspiracy against Osama bin Laden’s driver. Also, the CIA released a statement saying they've gotten some hot new leads on the whereabouts of bin Laden’s tailor.

The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville ejected O.J. Simpson from his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, the other customers were uncomfortable with OJ stabbing people with a steak knife while they were trying to eat.

Today in Iraq, Vice president Dick Cheney urged that Iraq's parliament abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting. Tomorrow, Cheney flies back to Washington where he'll try to urge President Bush to abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting.

At a Time magazine dinner for the 100 most influential people, George Lucas called Spiderman 3 “silly”. Sources say Jar Jar Binks whole heartily agreed.

Ann Coulter stated that Barack Obama’s lead over Republican presidential hopefuls in the polls could help al-Qaida. She also stated that a good showing by John Edwards in the polls could help Carson Kressley.

At a fundraiser yesterday, Barack Obama told a crowd that 10,000 people had died in the Kansas tornadoes, when really only 12 were killed. Shortly after his inaccurate statement, 9,988 Obama supporters in Kansas killed themselves so he could save face.

Ty Pennington, host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested for drunk driving. Man, this guy will do anything to get community service.

The "CBS Evening News" recorded its smallest audience since 1987 last week. Katie’s not even trying anymore. Last night, her lead story was how her make-up girl sometimes smells like cheese.

The Pentagon has notified more than 35,000 Army soldiers to be prepare for deployment. And that’s just to New Jersey.

ABC has set an end date for its enormously popular show, "Lost." The timeline was then vetoed by President Bush.

A TV station run by Hamas is airing broadcasts of a militant Mickey Mouse preaching for the destruction of the US and Israel. This is not going to make Goofy’s stay at Gitmo any easier.

Today, Queen Elizabeth II will be attending a succession of ceremonies at the White House, including a special white tie dinner. It was said the President agreed to the white tie dinner only after receiving assurance that some black ties would be there too, just so no one gets the wrong impression.

The Queen’s visit will begin with a 21-gun salute, and end with her majesty walking out in a huff after Bush asked if her husband ever hooks her up with free Whoppers.

**

In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, Paris Hilton described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted. Then she requested a cell with a sunroof within walking distance to Barney’s.

Gasoline prices have surged to a record nationwide average of $3.07 per gallon. Gas is getting so expensive, Nicole Richie has vowed to only drive hybrid cars drunk.

An Oregon boy went to the doctor with an earache and found out he had spiders living in his ear. The spiders did not give him any special superpowers, though they did manage to scare away his cooties.

Iran's foreign minister walked out of a dinner of diplomats where he was seated directly across from Condoleezza Rice, saying the female violinist entertaining the gathering was dressed too revealingly. He also wasn’t terribly comfortable with Condi playing footsies with him.

Paris Hilton arrived at court 10 minutes late today for her probation violation hearing, though it really wasn’t her fault; the traffic getting out of her bedroom was ridiculous.

The famous Dodge Charger from "The Dukes of Hazzard" has sold via an Internet auction for an astonishing 9.9 million dollars, which is crazy, considering the doors don’t even work.

If the typical stay-at-home mother were paid for her work for the roles she fills as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among others, she would earn $138,095 a year. And, if she’s still putting out, that figures almost doubles.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is getting Secret Service protection, the earliest a candidate has ever received it. Then again, who knows what Hillary is capable of.

A historian claims to have stumbled upon the identity of Jack the Ripper, the notorious Victorian serial killer who murdered at least five East London prostitutes in 1888. Finally, longtime suspect, Jack Hooker Slasher’s good name has been cleared.

Politicians in the Iraq parliament are planning on a two-month recess this summer starting this July. When he heard about the Iraq government’s vacation plans, President Bush said two can play at this, and sent 2000 more troops into the Green Zone for Spring Break.
Sniper Shots for everyone!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will meet Syrian officials today for the first high-level talks between the two countries in years. Of course, you know when they’re meeting with Condi, they’re thinking of Nancy…

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said more guns on college campuses is not the way to prevent campus violence. This may also be the reason Cheney doesn’t get asked to do a lot of commencement speeches.

Don Imus is planning on suing CBS for $40 million. Though 40 million won’t bring back his radio show, it will enable him to finally ho’ proof his ranch.

Britney Spears performed for the first time in more than three years yesterday, and, just to prove she’s still got it, during her encore she flashed her vag while both her infants crawled around backstage unattended.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been accused of indecency after he publicly kissed the hand of his former schoolteacher. He may have kissed her on the lips too, but he couldn’t pry Richard Gere off her.

A Napa Valley Hotel has replaced the Bible usually found in the nightstand drawer with a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth''. The hotel made the decision after many guests requested something to read that made them feel more doomed than the Bible.

New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine has voluntarily paid a $46 fine for violating state law by not wearing a seat belt during his recent car crash. No word yet if former Governor McGreevy plans on repaying the $79 in tolls he blew off while chasing truckers up and down the Garden State Parkway.

Recently, Ashlee Simpson told Cosmopolitan magazine, "I feel very confident with the way I look". And in the end, isn’t that all that matters after tens of thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery?

The hit Fox show American Idol departed from its usual format last night to hold a charity fundraiser. The evening climaxed with third world poverty getting voted off in heated showdown with AIDs awareness.

Snoop Dogg has been refused entry into Australia because of his extensive criminal record. Also, his entire luggage set was made of NYC Diesel Weed.

Bush is really warming up his veto power; today he vetoed Rosie’s withdraw from “The View.”

A court issued arrest warrants for Hollywood actor Richard Gere and Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty for kissing at a public function. This seems harsh, considering in Hollywood kissing Richard Gere in public is only a misdemeanor.

A new U.S. study shows that intelligence has nothing to do with wealth. Many are questioning the study's methodology, mainly its use of Paris Hilton and a Rubik’s cube.

ABC has announced that Rosie O'Donnell's tenure at “The View” will end in June. Also ending in June: decent ratings for “The View”.

Miss America Lauren Nelson supplied pictures of herself as a 14-year-old to help out a sting operation aiming to catch online predators. Nelson says she hopes her here work inspires young women everywhere to use their nubile bodies to attract men three times their age.

George Lucas and Mark Hamill are reuniting for a special project that spoofs Star Wars. Wasn’t that what episodes I, II and III were for?

Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president in 2008, America will be at risk for another terrorist attack on the scale of Sept. 11, 2001. He says he knows this for sure, because if a Democrat is elected, he’ll personally carry one out himself.

Republican John McCain officially entered the 2008 presidential race. So, just to be clear, all the missteps, blunders and bad sound bites up until now? That was just McCain getting warmed up, baby!

A classic-car broker who swindled actor Nicolas Cage was sentenced to five years in prison. Sadly, no new leads on the guy who sold Cage his hairpiece.

Yesterday, Tony Blair declared that bad driving is a bigger danger to the world than war. Bush must’ve been listening, because today he sent 20 thousand new traffic cops to Iraq.

Hip-hop executive Russell Simmons has recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and the "n" word from the recording industry. Not from the song lyrics, just from the nicknames they give interns.

A mineral recently discovered in Serbia has the same composition as kryptonite. Geologists claim this could answer the age-old question: why has Superman always been such a pussy when it comes to Serbia?

Rep. Dennis Kucinich plans to introduce articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Oh My God... did someone blow Dick Cheney?

A Boston man received over 5,000 calls after posting a video on YouTube with his phone number and an offer to “be there” for anyone. Unfortunately, most of the calls were from an angry Alec Baldwin threatening to come up there and straighten him out.

In light of the Virginia Tech tragedy, Congress may pass limited legislation to help keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. And if that goes well, they may pass legislation to help keep Katie Holmes out of the hands of the mentally ill.

Iran is cracking down on women not adhering to strict Islamic dress rules, arresting those whose coats are too tight, trousers excessively short or headscarves overly loose. Meanwhile, here in America, Nuns have stopped wearing panties.

Former President Russian Boris Yeltsin has died. In other news, Stolichnaya just went out of business.

The US Text Messaging Championships was held over the weekend. A13-year-old girl took home the $25,000 first place prize, which isn’t that much, considering she ran up $23,000 in texting charges during the competition.

Veteran comedian Rich Little will be the featured comedian at this year's White House Correspondents Association Dinner on Saturday. Rumor has it he’s taking off the gloves and is really going to let President Regan have it!

In a new study, researches say that fruity cocktails may count as health food. In other news, Andy Dick was spotted getting really healthy last night at Hyde.

During a stop in South Carolina, John McCain crooned the words "Bomb Iran" to a Beach Boys' tune in a joking response to a question about any possible U.S. attack on Tehran. When asked later what he was thinking, McCain’s campaign manager replied with a cover of “God only knows”.

Oliver Stone will direct a TV commercial as part of a campaign by MoveOn.org and VoteVets.org to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq. It will be the first commercial that takes two hours just to TiVo through.

In Fresno California, a openly transgender student is running for Prom King. Cinthia, who sometimes identifies herself as Tony, faces some tough competition; all her opponents are guys with penises.

BlackBerry service went down across North America from Tuesday evening to Wednesday morning, in period that live on in infamy as, “That time I had to talk to the person I was with.”

In the wake of Don Imus' firing, a number of high-powered music-industry executives met privately in New York City to discuss artistic expression, misogynistic rap lyrics, and who gets to sign Sanjaya.

Preparations to sedate as many as 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert have enraged Serb animal lovers. So far, no one’s protested Keith Richard’s preparations to sedate himself in Belgrade.

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A young minke whale that has drifted off course and wound up in a small bay off Brooklyn beached himself and died tonight. He will be missed, and then he will be gutted and converted into 1600 sf luxury apartment.

Experts said they were surprised to see anything that big come to New York that isn’t wearing a fanny pack and asking “which way to ground zero?”

Dave Chappelle shattered the Laugh Factory's endurance record by taking to the comedy club's stage for six hours and seven minutes on Sunday. In other news, Carlos Mencia just came up with six hours and seven minutes of new material.

Sources say John Edwards spends $400 on his haircuts. Someone please tell Edwards that Supercuts is taking him for a ride.

Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson told a Jewish group that earning money is "part of the Jewish tradition." Part of the Thompson tradition: not getting any of that Jewish money for his campaign.

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Hugh Hefner has contributed $2,300 to Hillary Clinton’s’08 campaign. Hef said it was the most money he’s ever given a woman he did not want to see naked.

Hillary took the contribution, explaining her campaign was young and needed the money.

A new study shows students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not. Still, if you enroll in sexual abstinence programs, your chances of bedding a virgin are better.

A powerful storm soaked the East Coast over the weekend and into Monday. In some areas, streets were flooded so severely only Barack Obama could walk on them.

Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya ran through heavy winds and rain to win the Boston Marathon today. Coming in a close second? A salmon.

Two diaries written by Anna Nicole Smith in the early 1990s failed to sell at an auction this weekend. It appears, with Anna, people only want to read the early stuff.

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her during an AIDS-awareness event. To be fair, they reacted the same way when “Autumn in New York” was released in India.

After 11 years of marriage, Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are officially divorced. Who knew my Heather Locklear poster would outlast two of her marriages… while hindering any possibilities for one of my own.

The City Council in New York City approved a bill that would make it a misdemeanor to secretly videotape movies in a theater for illegal sale. Those caught could face possible jail time, while those caught taping any new Woody Allen films will get a stern lecture about the laws of supply and demand.

MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson will be hosting a game show pilot for CBS. The show’s working title is “Who wants to be yelled at by a guy wearing a bow-tie!”

Scientists have found the gene that makes you fat. Turns out it was hiding between Rosie O'Donnell's chins the whole time.

Researchers at the Zoo Atlanta are studying the cognitive skills of two Sumatran orangutans by observing them play computer games. I can hear the parents talking to their children now: "Sweetie, look at the monkeys in their natural habitat...playing Snood."

One week after his racist remarks outraged the nation, CBS has fired Don Imus. Sure, we’re off the hook, but his wife still has to wake up with Imus in the mornings.

Despite being fired, Imus continued his radio-thon this week, raising over $1.3 million to help feed Al Sharpton.

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A recent installment of "Katie Couric's Notebook" consisted mostly of passages lifted verbatim from a recent Wall Street Journal column. Katie says she had no idea the passages were plagiarized and immediately fired her teleprompter.

The U.N. is looking into using NYC police in its peacekeeping missions. Finally, someone to take down those double parkers in Darfur.

Due to budgetary concerns, Sen. John McCain is cutting some of his campaign staff. The first ones to go: those who show up to work wearing “Obama 08’”pins.

Today, presidential candidate John Edwards took a shift at a nursing home, helping to dress, shave and feed elderly residents. It was nice to see him treating John McCain so kindly.

Facing a contempt of court citation, the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire surrendered to federal marshals yesterday. His bail has been set at 35,000 beads.

Prosecutors dropped all charges against the three Duke lacrosse players accused of sexually assaulting a stripper. The players celebrated by sexually assaulting the prosecuting attorney with a lacrosse stick.

DNA testing has proven Larry Birkhead to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Howard K. Stern will, however, remain her legal sponge.

Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson will serve as judges on an upcoming show aimed at finding a family of singers. According to the show’s rules, only two of the family members must exhibit any talent to win.

MSNBC has suspended Don Imus for two weeks for his controversial remarks. For politically incorrect jabs and cranky political commentary during his absence, please tune in to your completely out of touch, racist grandfather.

Martha Stewart packed her billionaire astronaut friend a gourmet lunch consisting of duck breast confit and semolina cake with dried apricots. This should help NASA determine the effects of getting your ass kicked at zero gravity.

Al Gore is taking his "Live Earth" rock concert to New Jersey. Great place to raise awareness about climate change; good luck seeing Bon Jovi through the smog.

A new report shows there were 736 UFO sightings across Canada last year. Hey, UFO’s can get lost, too.

"American Idol" contestant San jaya Malakar is officially more popular than Harry Potter in terms of yahoo search terms. Even more popular than searches for “San jaya Malakar”? Searches for “Who in God’s name needs to know more about San jaya Malakar?”

Thanks to heavy snowfall, the Cleveland Indians will have to play their next scheduled home series against the Angels in Milwaukee's Miller Park. Al Gore is set to throw out the first explanation.

Things keep getting worse for Imus. Yesterday, he was overheard calling the Easter Bunny a “fluffy headed ho’”.

Of the 2008 presidential candidates, only Republican John McCain has been to war and served in uniform. It should be noted, however, that Mitt Romnehy once won that carnival game where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth back in ‘82.

Apple Inc. has sold its 100 millionth iPod in just over five years. Apple celebrated the milestone by releasing its 100 millionth version of the iPod.

At 102, a California woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course. Then she became the oldest golfer to drive her golf cart into a tree three times and into a lake once.

The Walt Disney Co. is now allowing same-sex couples to participate in its popular Fairy Tale Wedding program. This change in policy begs the question: Who was getting married in this Fairy Tale Wedding program before?

The final season of "The Sopranos" begins this Sunday. Out of respect, New Jersey has cancelled Easter.

The newly released British sailors said during captivity in Iran they were blindfolded, bound and even worse, repeatedly exposed to the American version of “Coupling”.

In an interview with Rush Limbaugh, Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of Al-Qaeda’s links to Saddam Hussein's Iraq.
Can we agree that this guy’s bullshit has aged as gracefully as Barbara Bush?

During her visits to Saudi Arabia, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack of female politicians. Saudi officials then asked translators why the fair skinned prostitute is speaking when not being spoken to?

According to a mathematician who applies math to real-life situations, the New York Yankees will win a whopping 110 games this season. He also predicted Derek Jeter will bed eight supermodels, four actresses and one R&B singer before the All-Star break.

The director of the FEMA has promised that it has transformed into a premier disaster response engine and is now fully prepared for the 2006 Hurricane season.

Employees at a Quiznos in downtown Chicago were stunned when a coyote walked into the sandwich shop. Even more surprising: he didn't order the roadrunner sub on rosemary parmesan bread.

Larry King says he hopes to stay at CNN for ten more years. Of course, by then the show’s name will have been changed to “Larry King. Barely Alive.”

Barack Obama came close to matching Hillary Clinton’s $25 million raised this year. Meanwhile, John McCain was spotted in Denny’s parking lot siphoning gas so the Straight Talk Express bus could make it across town.

In Alabama, a woman riding horseback rammed into a police car and was charged with driving under the influence. Police confirmed she was ‘out of control drunk’ when she blew a .230 into the horse.

A fired Wal-Mart worker claims he was part of a sophisticated surveillance operation that included snooping on Wal-Mart employees, critics, and stockholders.
Hmm…note to self: check new stonewash blazer for bugs.

Some good news for Brits; Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says all 15 British naval personal will be released. Also, some good news for Bush; Syria has agreed to keep Nancy Pelosi!

In his upcoming book, the Pope writes that rich countries have mercilessly plundered and sacked other poor regions for profit. The title of the book: “How I got this 40 pound solid gold bling around my neck.”

White House adviser Karl Rove was confronted by protesters blocking his car and throwing things at him after a speaking engagement at American University.
Seriously, former U.S. attorneys don’t have anything better to do?

A Swedish couple is locked in a court battle to name their little girl "Metallica". Swedish authorities claim the name is not suitable for a little girl, and besides, she looks more like a “Motorhead”.

KITT, the black Trans Am of Knight Rider fame, is up for sale. It’s recommended that anyone with interest should act now while its still got that new David Hasseloff smell.

Nine GOP White House hopefuls will participate in a May 3rd debate.
The subject of the debate; how fucked are we?

Today, President George W. Bush said he took climate change “very seriously”, which is his way of saying he dresses in layers.

Keith Richards has acknowledged that he had snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. Richards said he regrets his actions, and wishes he could go back and mix dad with heroin.

Los Angeles is going through its longest dry spell in at least 130 years.
It’s so dry in LA, Kevin Costner’s WaterWorld 2 just got green lit.

Iranian state radio has reported that all 15 British sailors and marines being held captive have confessed to illegally staging the Holocaust.

An Iraqi singer won the Arab version of "American Idol", receiving a whopping 7 million votes. When hearing this, Arab leaders everywhere asked, “Wait- you can get that many votes without calling for the destruction of Israel?”

U.S. evangelical Christians are embarking on a new campaign to end modern slavery around the world, unless, of course, that slavery is to the dogma of evangelicalism.

In a recent speech, potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich equated Spanish with "the language of living in a ghetto". Great way to lose an election and your hubcaps.