The winner of this year’s World's Ugliest Dog contest is Gus, a dog with only three legs, one eye and no hair. And yes, bitches…. he’s single.

A mob of surfers attacked paparazzi trying to photograph actor Matthew McConaughey on a Malibu beach. And, thanks to their bold actions, what Matthew McConaughey looks like on a beach will remain a mystery.

John McCain is offering a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that can deliver power at 30 percent of current costs. Also, anyone that can find his reading glasses gets $20.

In New York, a worker fell while working at the Statue of Liberty. Hey, the inscription doesn't ask anyone to “give us your clumsy”.

An upcoming book about Hugh Hefner claims the Playboy founder once had a gay tryst. If your faith is shaken, it’s important to note that during the gay sex, Hef used Ms. September as a condom.

One of the Greats. RIP.

Naomi Campbell was sentenced to 200 hours of community service for her "air rage" incident at Heathrow Airport. $20 says a homeless man gets a ladle of scolding hot soup in his face before that 200 hours is up.

Over 33,000 people took their lives in Japan last year, despite a government campaign to reduce the number of suicides. Then again, the campaign’s slogan was, “Don’t disgrace your family, you disgrace to your family.”

U.S. lawmakers are trying to pass legislation to remove former South African President Nelson Mandela from a U.S. list of terrorists by his 90th birthday. In addition, President Bush has pledged to not get him, dead or alive.

Martha Stewart has been refused a visa to Britain because of her criminal convictions. Nice Brits! God forbid any decent recipes should sneak into the country.

The Census Bureau has projected the world's population will be 7 billion in 2012. Fine…7 billion and 1, Senator McCain!

A new report says that Australia has a higher obesity rate than the United States. Upon hearing this, America replied, “That’s only because they’re 2 meals ahead of us.”

A gang of female bandits dressed as nurses are mugging elderly women in Florida. Of course, you’re safe if you’re not in their network.

President Bush visited the Midwest today to inspect the damage inflicted by massive floods. You can tell he’s not even trying anymore; he proclaimed the area a national swimming pool.

The Vatican said Wednesday that it is working on a set of guidelines for what it considers "good cinema." The guidelines will be used to help the public seek out only those films that will never be produced.

Time Magazine is reporting that a group of girls under the age of 16 followed through on their pact to get pregnant. This isn’t going to help with their other pact: lose 10 lbs by the Junior Prom.

The Boston Celtics beat the Los Angeles Lakers at home to become the 2008 NBA champs. I don’t want to say Laker fans are angry, but Jack Nicholson just added "kick Phil Jackson’s ass" to his Bucket List.

A new report shows Al Gore’s personal electricity consumption is up 10%. And this after he promised to stop eating light bulbs.

While digging into Mars' north pole region, NASA's Phoenix lander has discovered a mysterious white material mixed in with the soil. Oh my God. Mars has a coke problem.

Israeli TV anchors have started using Condoleezza Rice's name as a verb to mean "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." This is all the more interesting, because "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." was Condi’s nickname in college.

J.Lo performed at an elementary school graduation in Staten Island yesterday. Afterwards, many of the girls proclaimed they want to go into music, while many of the boys decided they want to go into J.Lo.

The Cuban government has announced that Elian Gonzalez, the boy at the center of an international custody battle eight years ago, has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union. Here’s the difference- if he stayed in America, right now he’d be joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars".

Reports indicate that President Bush will attempt to capture Osama Bin Laden one final time. Don’t get too excited. He got the idea right after seeing “Iron Man”.

A Minnesota Twins pitcher struck out four batters in one inning in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. Upon hearing this, NBA refs asked MLB umpires, “How much did you get for that?”

Prince William was made a Royal Knight of the Garter in a regal ceremony on Monday. Despite his newfound status, William still insists on being treated like an ordinary prince.

Amy Winehouse collapsed on Monday at her north London home. Doctors say the singer was just lucky she fell hair first.

Today, California becomes the second state to allow gays to marry. In others news, the Pottery Barn’s online wedding registry page just exploded.

A Texas man entered the Guinness Book of Records for drawing the most tattoos in a 24-hour period. Oliver Peck completed 415 tattoos, or 300 miles of barbed wire.

“The Incredible Hulk” was the top movie at the box office this weekend. Critics attribute the success to moviegoers being desperate to see someone other than Kim Cattrall rip off their clothes this summer.

Sources say President Bush is contemplating writing a memoir. Bush said, “Hey, if that Harry Potter kid can write 7 of them…”

Unconfirmed sources say Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and his ex-wife, actress Pamela Anderson are once again dating. I’ll believe it when I’m masturbating to it.

R. Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography trial. When asked what he planned to do now that his ordeal is over, a victorious Kelly responded, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head, making it look much like the mythical unicorn, has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy. Of course, it was spotted by a Centaur, and you know how they like to make stuff up.

President Bush made an unprecedented visit to the Vatican yesterday. Other presidents have been there before, but Bush was the first to get the Pope to do donuts in the pope mobile.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul said Thursday night he is ending his campaign. Though he’s dropping his presidential bid, Paul did hint he would still be open to not being taken seriously for the role of VP.

News Corp's MySpace plans a global redesign next week. No word yet whether the redesign means “Tom” is getting a new t-shirt.

"Grey's Anatomy" star, Katherine Heigl declined to put her name in for Emmy consideration, saying she did not feel that she was given the material this season to warrant one. Perhaps she will next season for the episode in which she’s beaten mercilessly by a pack of underappreciated, bat wielding TV writers.

An artist has used toy parts from an erector set to assemble a nearly seven-story model skyscraper in New York City. Already, the building is a huge hit with Lego tourists.

Two people have been charged with supplying drugs to Amy Winehouse. Two down, 200 to go.

A Marine was expelled for his role in a video showing a puppy being thrown off a cliff in Iraq. Upon hearing this, Barack Obama promised to bring home all puppies in Iraq within eight months.

Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about his faith and patriotism...and between you and me, I hear it was designed by Al-Qaeda operatives.

On Wednesday, President Bush admitted that his tough rhetoric had given the world the impression that’s he’s a "guy really anxious for war". Oh, and the whole “invading the wrong country” thing didn’t help either.

In Poland, a newborn entered the world with a blood-alcohol level of 0.29. Doctors say the baby will survive, but will not be handed its plastic keys until it sobers up.

A new report shows an increasing number of European Muslim women looking to reclaim their virginity are undergoing a procedure that restores their hymens. The procedure is known "hymenoplasty", or more commonly, “sewing your wild oat”.

The world's fastest supercomputer was unveiled earlier this week, a $100 million machine that can perform 1,000 trillion calculations per second in a sustained exercise. Nevertheless, the super computer confessed it can’t friggin wait to get that new iPhone next month.

A city Health Department study finds that more than a fourth of adult New Yorkers are infected with the virus that causes genital herpes. Even more alarming: two thirds of all NYC subway seats have been diagnosed with Gonorrhea.

AC/DC's next studio album will be sold exclusively at Wal-Mart stores. No one is saying they sold out, but the first single planned for release is, “For those about to shop, (we salute you).”

Presidential candidate John McCain joked that he’s using Google to search for his running mate. In all seriousness, he’s using eHarmony.

Archaeologists have unearthed what they claim is the world's first church in Jordan. They’re planning on returning to dig the rest of it up on Easter and Christmas.

Verizon, Sprint and Time Warner Cable have agreed with New York state officials to block access to child pornography. This marks a sharp turnaround from their prior policy: free child porn for the first month.

Supermarkets and restaurants are yanking certain varieties of tomatoes after a 17-state salmonella outbreak. In other news, Fozzie Bear has cancelled all upcoming appearances until further notice.

President Bush begins his last tour through Europe today. You can tell they're going to miss him over there; the protesters were burning paper mache going-away cakes in effigy.

Today Bush will attend the EU-US Summit in Ljubljana. Bush spent the weekend preparing by trying to sound out the name “Ljubljana”.

**

Pamela Anderson is selling her prized Dodge Viper and donating the proceeds to PETA. Anderson said it’s only right, given how many animals she screwed to get that car.

Leonardo DiCaprio is set to star in a biopic about Nolan Bushnell, the founder of "Atari". So, if you thought playing "Pong" was exciting, then just wait till you see how it was invented.

Prince celebrated his 50th birthday this weekend. He planned to celebrate the milestone birthday like it was 1999, but was only able to stay awake until 9:59.

During a townhall event in Florida, John McCain said he would like to see NASA put a man on Mars. Then he got really crazy and said he’d like to see the republicans put a man in the White House.

McCain commented that one of his favorite childhood books had been Ray Bradbury's 1950 novel "The Martian Chronicles," about humans colonizing Mars. One invasion at a time, ol’ fella.

When asked to respond, Barack Obama said he would work to pull a man off of Mars.

**

Barack Obama met privately Hillary Clinton on Thursday in Washington. No one knows what exactly what was discussed, but Barack did say he only had to use their “safe word” twice during the meeting.

**

Yesterday, two daredevils climbed the New York Times building in midtown Manhattan just hours apart. Both originally planned to climb the Fox News building, but found it way too slippery.

Following the daring stunts, the New Times heightened its building security today, with several of its columnists requiring special clearance just to climb into their ivory towers.

The AP released a story today claiming that Hillary Clinton will drop her presidential bid this evening. How about that? Barack quits church- three days later, he witnesses his first miracle.

Sources have confirmed that if Clinton were offered the VP post, she would seriously consider Barack Obama as her running mate.

Some top Clinton campaign officials have denied the AP report, saying they still firmly believe that only Clinton can defeat herself in November.

Among the many regrets the Clinton campaign must live with, the most painful will likely be not stickering enough babies' heads earlier in the campaign.

A fire shut down Universal Studios film and TV studio on Sunday. The fire managed to destroy a popular "King Kong" attraction, but not before the ape took out several LAFD rescue helicopters.

The fire also swept through some the Universal’s most famous sets, such as the town square from "Back to the Future." Someone should have seen that one coming.

The fire got close to the nearby MTV Movie awards, but was turned away after its name could not be found on the list.

**

Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers who wore women's thongs over their heads while holding up a convenience store. Police are on the look out for two freshman that really want to get into that fraternity.

"Sex and the City" was the biggest movie of the weekend. I don’t want to spoil anything, but your girlfriend will be slightly more obnoxious for a 24-hour period after seeing this movie.

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh have successfully trained a group of monkeys to use their mind to command a robot arm to feed them marshmallows. Through this, researchers hope to create the laziest monkeys ever.

Outgoing Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is writing a book. The announcement came after Craig exited a truck stop restroom and his wife asked what took him so long in there.

New York’s Governor David Paterson has told state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages. So, a 2-hour Sex & the City movie wasn’t enough?

Sen. Barack Obama is considering a trip to Iraq before the November elections. Hillary too, but just for pleasure.

In Tallahassee, a 101-year-old woman got her driving license renewed. Afterwards, the woman complained her new license picture makes her look old.

On Sunday, John McCain held a barbeque at his Arizona home for the presumptive Republican Vice President nominees and Secretary of Potato Salad hopefuls.

While chatting at least briefly with all of the potential running mates, much of McCain’s time was spent keeping Mitt Romney’s hair away from the open flame.

Sources say guests were treated to overcooked burgers, as a wary McCain refused to pull them off the grill too soon.

**

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico over the weekend. A decisive victory in the Puerto Rico primary would keep alive Clinton’s dream of becoming the next President of East Harlem.

If nothing else, the visit to the island gave Clinton an opportunity to break in her new belly pantsuit.

Barack Obama visited a conservative Synagogue in the center of Florida’s Jewish community yesterday. Obama spent half the time speaking about the security of Israel and the other half explaining why he couldn’t stay longer for coffee and nosh.

Barack asked members of the Synagogue not to judge him because he has a funny name. “I’m not sure that’s possible”, responded the temple’s Rabbi, Moshi Rubenstein.

Barack left Florida with a deep sense of guilt over not campaigning there enough.


**

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended tough interrogation techniques approved by the Bush administration, saying they were necessary to protect the U.S. from new attacks. Rice added, “besides, they’re the only way to get Cheney to smile these days.”

A mother was sentenced to 20 years in prison Thursday for keeping her 17-year-old adopted son caged in her home. The teen felt justice had been served, until he learned her cage would have indoor plumbing.

440 children from a polygamist sect's ranch may be headed back home after an appellate court decision upended the custody case that sent more them into foster care. This is exciting news for the sect’s children, who just want to go back to a place where kids can be wives.

Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison. Out of habit, Pearlman tried to get something closer 18 years.

Sources say Pearlman plans to spend his time in jail forming the ultimate boy-fondler band.

**

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain is set to release his health records. The McCain camp hopes the records put to rest the damaging rumors that McCain’s been dead for two years.

President Bush announced today that under a new change in policy, the US will allow Americans to send mobile phones to relatives in Cuba. Bush explained that Cubans have just as much a right to vote for the next American Idol as we do.

A mob stormed the homes of elderly people accused of witchcraft in southwestern Kenya, burning 11 of them to death. Tough time to be a witch in Kenya.

A Girl Scout reportedly sold 17,328 boxes of the group's signature cookies this year. This smashes the previous record set by some other little girl with a pushy mother with lots of coworkers.

In other cookie news, an overturned trailer spilled out 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos onto Interstate 80 in Illinois. On the upside, the highway grew from two lanes to four.

Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and Portia de Rossi will wed during a taping of her talk show. Sources say Rosie O’Donnell has agreed to be the best man.

An American soldier used a Quran for target practice in Iraq, prompting an apology from the U.S. military. In the soldier’s defense, the book shot at him first.

A 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin. Even worse, found in the embryonic twin’s stomach was a set of Russian nesting dolls.

Former presidential Democratic candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama earlier today. In other news, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton came out for Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's camp denies she's desperate for good news, but did confirm she has demanded a recount in West Virginia.

The Interior Department declared the polar bear a threatened species Wednesday. John Edwards responded by saying he’s ready to endorse whatever bears are running against them.

Barack Obama also won the endorsement of NARAL Pro-Choice America, a leading abortion rights advocacy organization. The group had supported Hillary Clinton throughout her political career, but let’s face it, this is a group that knows how to sever its ties.

In a television interview, it came out that Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie is expecting twins. Jolie said it doesn't matter whether the twins wind up being fraternal or identical, she’s going to treat them as if they’re her own.

Jenna Bush was married over the weekend at the president's Texas ranch. Sources say it was a lovely ceremony, despite Dick Cheney open firing when the doves were released.

Bush’s polls numbers are so low, Jenna made him walk five feet behind her down the aisle.

The president hasn’t been this emotional since he had to give away Donald Rumsfeld.

Predictions vary on how long it will take for Bush to screw up this union.

**

Three Texas teens were busted for digging up a corpse and using its head as a bong. Authorities say they probably could have gotten away with it if they hadn’t chose to dig up a corpse from an ancient narc burial ground.

Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. His family has not yet decided whether Robbins will be laid to rest in a cup or a cone.

A Columbia co-ed figured out that Lindsay Lohan had walked out of a party wearing her $11,000 mink coat when she saw a picture of the star wearing the fur in a recent issue of OK Magazine. Coincidentally, this is the same way the mink found out who was wearing his coat, too.

**

Despite a loss in North Carolina and an unimpressive win in Indiana, Hillary Clinton has vowed to go " full speed on to the White House”. She’ll be the one careening down the road with the “I Break For Super Delegates” bumper sticker.

Clinton later added, if she had to, she’d be willing to carpool there with Obama.

As if Hillary’s night couldn’t get any worse, Lindsay Lohan walked out of her rally wearing her favorite pantsuit.

At the Kentucky Derby, a filly named Eight Belles had to be euthanized after being edged out in the race of her life against all her male competition. Horse racing fans are calling it a tragedy, Barack Obama is calling it a story of hope.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by just seven votes in Guam's nominating contest on Saturday. Of course, Hillary was outspent in Guam 2 to 1. Literally, Obama spent $2 there, Hillary spent $1.

Barack doesn’t actually gain any delegates from the win in Guam, but will receive a lovely vacation for three days and two nights in the tropical paradise, airfare not included.

**

Fifteen people were inducted into New Jersey's new Hall of Fame on Sunday. All Fifteen promised to pick their plaque the next time they’re driving through.

Among the inductees were Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, astronaut Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, and thanks to the online voting system, Vito from Vito’s Custom Detailing Shop in Bloomfeild, N.J, just off Route 506.

A 3-year-old boy took first place in a Minnesota mullet contest. In his acceptance speech, the boy made sure to thank his parents for being dicks.

**

David Blaine broke the world record holding his breath on The Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, lasting 17 minutes and 4 seconds. Then, later on in the show, Dr. Phil came out and held his bullshit for 2 minutes, a personal best.

On hand in a rare audience appearance was Steadman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend and the previous holder of the record.

**

Islanders from Lesbos have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name, saying it insults the identity of the people of Lesbos, also known as Lesbians. Wait- The Lesbos vs. The Lesbians? HOT!

Seriously, why can’t this be settled over bowling and shots of Tequila like most lesbian wars?*

(*author knows nothing about how actual lesbian warfare is conducted)

Albert Hofmann, the father of the mind-altering drug LSD, has died, or permanently “dropped out”. Thousands will gather to mourn Hofmann and watch his casket melt into the ground.

Federal authorities said the South Carolina teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told them that he wanted to die so he could go to heaven and kill Jesus. While unsuccessful, the teen was honored with “Mass Murder Plan With The Most Plot Holes Award”.

Magician David Blaine will attempt break the world record for breath-holding in front of millions on the Oprah Winfrey show. The stunt will also allow Winfrey to get a rare word in edgewise.

**

Rev. Jeremiah Wright continues to undermine Barack Obama’s presidential aspirations. Yesterday he gave an interview accusing the U.S. government of canceling "The Bernie Mac Show".

Obama said if he knew belonging to Rev. Wright’s church would haunt him this much, he would’ve joined the Latter Day Saints church, Texas branch, and had some real fun.

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year-old Disney star, has apologized to fans for suggestive photos taken for Vanity Fair. The singer only hopes her mistake can serve as a lesson to other teens during their photo shoots with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Miley says she was led to believe the photos would be ‘artistic’, you know, like ‘Hanna Montana lunch box classy’.

The Walt Disney Company, owner of the multibillion dollar “Hannah Montana franchise”, released this statement, "… a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.” adding, “We totally missed the boat on this one.”

Vanity Fair has pointed out that the Cyrus family was present during the shoot, mostly because Billy Ray wanted to show everyone how he could still unsnap a bra with one hand.

Even with the provocative pictures hitting newsstands, Cyrus is still 2 DUIs and 4 public meltdowns short of bringing disgrace to the Disney pop star legacy.

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President Bush announced the economic-stimulus tax rebates will begin going out Monday. Great. Now Hillary knows I’ve got 600 bucks to burn.

Bush says the rebates should offset high energy and food prices. That’s the President’s way of saying you don’t have to cancel that trip to the Chinese restaurant this summer!

Actor Wesley Snipes admits he's already evaded his check.


**

The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have agreed to donate memorabilia to the University of California at Santa Cruz. Guess that's one way to get someone to hold your stash.

Tom Cruise is coming back to Oprah for a special two-part show. Cruise promised Oprah no craziness this time- he just wants to chat about the aliens among us that only he can beat up.

After a yearlong battle, Atlantic City’s city council voted to ban smoking on the floors of its casinos on Wednesday. Finally, Atlantic City is vice free!

The ruling was a huge win for casino workers who want nothing masking the smell of the alcoholic whose been up two days trying to win his mortgage back.

---

FHM magazine readers voted model-actress Megan Fox the sexiest woman in the world. It should be noted, if you factor in votes from Florida and Michigan, Hillary Clinton becomes the sexiest woman in the world.

---

The 437 children taken from the polygamist compound in Texas are being scattered to foster homes across the state. Child Protective Services say the children are well behaved and come with their own frontier kid Halloween costume.

Child Protective Services have concerns about the culture shock in store for these children who have never been exposed to television, video games, or sex outside of marriage.

This week, Laura and Jenna Bush are busy promoting their children’s book about a boy who discovers the excitement of reading. The President has already stated he’s waiting for the cartoon.

In the hours after winning Pennsylvania's Democratic presidential primary, Hillary Clinton raised $3 million, or as Obama calls it, “tip money”.

A new government report has found that the upper Midwest has the worst drunken driving rates in the country. This may explain why people in the upper Midwest are having such a hard time finding their way out of the upper Midwest.

**

A California investor has plans to develop an amusement park in downtown Baghdad. Planners predict of the 500-acre park will attract Iraqis from all over who are willing to wait in long lines to get blown up.

While the Shiites and Sunnis have not been able to come together at the negotiating table, the Iraqi government has high hopes that things will be different at the negotiating tea cups.

Democratic voters in Pennsylvania came out to vote in the first primary in six weeks. I don’t want to say Hillary was nervous about this one, but she spent the entire afternoon in Amish country doing cider shots.

In an interview with ABC this morning, Hillary warned that, as president, she could "totally obliterate" Iran if it attacked Israel. This answer was surprising, considering the question was, “how ya holding up?”

Hillary acknowledged today that her White House bid rides on the outcome of the Pennsylvania primary. She then caught a glimpse of her shadow and said, “Fuck it- I’m in it for 6 more weeks either way!”

Today, Michael Moore has announced he is backing Barak Obama for President. The endorsement should be a big help to Barack in next week’s Cuban primaries.

The pope wound up his visit by holding a mass at Yankee stadium, which was conveniently rolled into the Yankees annual Staff Day.

Many on hand for the mass said they felt God’s presence there with them, though they knew He’d be gone come postseason.

The Pope’s service didn’t impress everyone, as the news came down halfway through the service that Steinbrenner had traded his Holiness for two Cardinals and one Bishop to be named later.

***
Republican presidential candidate John McCain spends this week visiting economically struggling areas of the country. First stop: Clinton campaign headquarters.

Barack Obama was greeted by 35,000 people in Philadelphia, the largest crowd of his campaign. Unfortunately, they were all wearing crosses and holding shotguns.

A Maryland mother has given birth to a rare set of quadruplets in which three of the four boys are identical. It’s like having one lead baby with his own set of backup criers.

A homeless New York man found two sets of confidential blueprints for the planned Freedom Tower carelessly dumped in a city garbage can. Come on people- there’s a reason we have Freedom Shredders.

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a newspaper report that he had divorced his wife Lyudmila and planned to marry a gymnastics champion. He does, however, wish Lyudmila was at least flexible enough to do the “Upside Down Sickle” once in a while.

A passenger who was praying in the back of the plane before take off was removed after refusing to return to his seat. You’d think he would’ve preferred to save his prayers till 30,000 feet up, where he's more likely to get a signal.

A newly formed NBC Universal production unit is teaming up with an advertising agency to create programs around sponsors' products. So if you liked “Cavemen”, you’ll love NBC’s upcoming “Bears Shitting in the Woods Variety Hour.”

While in town, Pope Benedict has been meeting privately for talk and prayer sessions with survivors of clergy sexual abuse scandal. Many critics of the church are praising the Pope’s efforts to reach out to the victims, though most agree that dubbing these private meetings the “seven minutes in heaven” tour is a bit inappropriate.

Today, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with all three presidential candidates. Brown remarked he looks forward to working with an allay who doesn’t greet his every visit to the States with, “Whatja bring me?”

Sen. Barack Obama suggested he doesn't see any point in another debate with Hillary Clinton after last night’s debate failed to focus on the real problems facing average voters. Sounds like the words of someone who wants to avoid explaining why he never smells like apple pie…

Edward Lorenz, a meteorologist who became the father of the modern field of chaos theory, died. Doctors say the cause of death was cancer, while others theorize he was blown out of his hospital bed by a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia.

The women's cable channel Lifetime is in talks with Donald Trump to executive produce and narrate a scripted series. It’s been speculated on for years, but it can now be said with some degree of certainty; Lifetime has low self-esteem.

A crowd of more than 9,000 gathered on the South Lawn of the White House to celebrate the birthday of Pope Benedict XVI. The celebration was capped off with Pope Benedict twisting up a balloon cross for President Bush.

An ex-nanny for Rob Lowe publicly accused the actor of sexually abusing her for years. The woman claims she could not bring herself to alert the authorities until now because she “needed the job” and “come on- Rob Lowe is like every sexual abuse victim’s dream.”

A computer programmer popped the question to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite video game so the proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain level. The joyous occasion was short-lived as the woman was shot dead by an alien soldier moments after the proposal.

During a stop at Villanova University, a student asked John McCain to join him to do a shot. Senator McCain declined, at which point Hillary Clinton showed up and did kegs stands with the students until they had to pump her stomach.

Sen. Clinton outlined an aggressive agenda for her first 100 days in the White House. Day one: Show up at White House with furniture and inform the Obama’s you’re moving in.

A blind British runner became only the third person ever to complete seven marathons on seven continents in seven days. The man’s seeing eye dog, released this statement: “F this guy. I want a new assignment.”

Former defense secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld is working on his memoir. Rumsfeld believes he can tell his story in 100 pages, while his publisher is insisting on another 400 pages to do the job right.

A short film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man has been purchased for $1.5 million. The buyer promised the seller the video will be kept from the public’s eye and promised himself that this is positively it for porn for the rest of year.

A new form of cloning has been developed that is easier to carry out than old techniques, raising fears that it may be used to produce "designer" babies, possibly leading to an increase in illegal but highly trendy, designer back alley abortions.

The President greets the Pope in Washington today. To keep Bush from asking too many questions, his aids told him it was crazy hat day and left it at that.

A Red Sox fan attempted to jinx the new Yankee Stadium by burying a Boston team jersey under the new ballpark. Meanwhile across town, someone tried to jinx the new Mets stadium by burying a Mets jersey under it.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor traffic accident late Saturday. There was no drinking, drugs or babies involved, so Spears was let off with only a warning to make it more interesting next time.

Employees of the "Dr. Phil" television show posted bail for one of the Florida teenagers jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen. Let this be a lesson to anyone who beats someone within an inch of their life and wants to take their story to Povich.

After a week of cancellations, American Airlines says that its flight schedules are back to normal this week. Employees and customers of the airline are looking forward to getting back to delays.

An author who wrote several books for the popular Lonely Planet series of guidebooks says he made up large sections. Lonely Planet apologized to anyone who went to Chile expecting to see the world’s largest bowl of Chili.

American Airlines has grounded another 595 flights. Finally, an airline that caters to people with a fear of flying.

A frog has been found in a remote part of Indonesia that has no lungs. The frog was discovered smoking Camel Lights with abandon.

Barack Obama said if elected President, he'd end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays in the military. Good luck getting them to pull out.

A new chip is on the horizon that will let your iPod store 500,000 songs. Imagine having all the songs you love, plus all the ones you hate, on one device.

Rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested in South Florida for striking his wife. Vanilla was charged with simple battery, despite his promise that it was a one hit wonder.

The New York Police Department will soon begin randomly testing its police officers for steroid abuse. Those testing positive will be immediately transferred off the force and onto the Yankees.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the current economic slowdown is nothing like the Great Depression of the 1930s. He then ran headlong into a plexiglass window, bounced off of it and exclaimed to reporters, “See?”

CBS is canceling its new reality show "Secret Talents of the Stars" after only one episode. Now the public will have to settle for only knowing only the overt talents of Mr. Danny Bonaduce.

Microsoft Corp unveiled a web-based service for driving directions that helps its users avoid traffic jams. The service also gives drivers 10 points for every Mac user they hit.

Sean Penn and his wife, Robin Wright Penn, have withdrawn their divorce petition. Robin Wright Penn released a statement saying, “Why should Sean be the only one that has to live with himself”.

Several members of a Florida cheerleading squad have been arrested on charges of beating another teen with the intent to post it on YouTube. To give credit where credit's due, they did serve up the beating with a lot of spirit.

According to a new survey, the Bible is the most popular book in America. The survey was conducted on 2,513 adults trapped in hotel rooms.

The Pentagon has announced it is sending its new hand-held lie detectors to Afghanistan. Pentagon officials hope that sending them out of Washington will get them to stop beeping so loudly.

Tonight, all three Presidential hopefuls are scheduled to make an appearance on American Idol’s highly anticipated special, "Idol Gives Back". This will be followed immediately by the even more highly anticipated special, “Hillary Gives Up”.

A Viking ship made from ice-cream sticks set sail for England from the Netherlands on Tuesday. The ship was last seen entering the mouth of a whale getting checked for a sore throat.

Scientists have discovered that Solobacterium moorei is the bug responsible for bad breath. Unfortunately, no one has the nerve to tell Solobacterium moorei that it is the bug responsible for bad breath.

Hillary Clinton called on President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. Bush replied “only if they don’t let me throw out the first pitch”.

China has condemned protesters in London and France for their attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch, saying “if it was a monk on fire that was passing through your country, you wouldn’t try to put him out, would you? Oh… You would? Really? Hmm. Never mind”.

A new survey from the hotel chain Travelodge found that Britons like a dose of music from the band Coldplay to help them fall asleep. Wow. Using your music as a sleep aid- it’s every band’s rock and roll fantasy.

The parents of an Indian infant girl say she is doing fine despite having two pairs of eyes and lips and two noses. The parents added that they’re much more concerned with her twin brother, Little Timmy Two Sacks.

Police used tear gas early Sunday to disperse a crowd at a large party near the campus of Michigan State University. Pressure’s on, anyone throwing a party near the campus of Michigan State University in the near future.

Sunday, protesters made attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch as it arrived in London. Guess no one told the poor fools that this year’s Olympic torch was lit using the same technology as trick birthday candles.

A new study shows having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women. And if it's taking longer, then someone’s slacking off.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of what a hot a bride Beyonce made, she was proposed to four times during her walk down the isle.

Over the weekend, John McCain called for a campaign that is more like a respectful argument among friends. Someone please remind McCain he’s running for president, not debating who was hotter in their day, Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor.

This week, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a transgender man who is in his six-month of pregnancy. The man disclosed to Winfrey that the baby is going to be a girl, at least at first.

Heathrow Airport heightened its security on Friday. No new terrorists threats; they just heard Naomi Campbell was out on bail.

Astronomers using robotic cameras said they had found the youngest planet yet. Al Gore has already pledged to save it before it hits puberty.

DNA from ancient human feces found in a cave in Oregon provides biological confirmation that people were in North America 14,000 years ago. On a side note, so was corn.

A group of third graders in Georgia planned to attack their teacher with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and then stab her with a broken steak knife. Apparently, the field trip to Abu Ghraib left an impression.

A new survey has found male fans of classic rock are more likely to vote Republican. It also doesn’t hurt that John McCain ends every speech with "Freebird".

Presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would consider putting Al Gore in a high Cabinet-level position. That position: Secretary of Pissing Off the Clintons.

Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most No.1 singles on the Billboard singles chart. Call me when she can eat her own weight in fried chicken and amphetamines.

The New Kids on the Block, the once wildly popular boy band from the 80s, are reuniting. Be sure to catch them this summer on their “Old Guys Who Didn’t Invest Wisely” tour.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld narrowly escaped injury after the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed, sending his car into a roll over. Seinfeld released the following statement after the crash: “Newman”.

Addressing a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO today, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa. And really, who can forget the time she arrived in Philadelphia under a barrage of Clubber Lang uppercuts.

After being for Hillary, and then for Obama, 50 Cent now says he is not sure which presidential candidate he is for. Either way, it probably won’t be the old white guy who can’t throw his hands in the air.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using his image on billboards and the Internet without his consent. It’s basically Woody’s way of saying, please bring back the ads with hot young girls posing provocatively.

The British airline “Flybe” has hired temps to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to meet a target for passenger numbers. This might explain why their flights have been arriving 20 minutes late and losing everyone’s messages.

A woman has been arrested for stalking actor John Cusack outside his Malibu home. Guess it’s only charming when he shows up outside someone’s window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel.

On Sunday, CIA Director Michael Hayden said Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look western". Yet another reason to fear sitting next to the fat guy on your flight.

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, became the first world leader to decide not to attend the Olympics in Beijing. This is unfortunate, considering she was favored to bring home the gold in women’s weightlifting.

The Vatican's newly-released 2008 yearbook of statistics said Muslims have surpassed Roman Catholics in the world. Some are disputing the numbers, as the counters admitted that they might have accidentally counted some guy named Mohammad 8 billion times.

Senator Barack Obama has refused to go along with the growing calls for Hillary to drop out of the Presidential race. He would, however, not be opposed to Bill Clinton shutting the fuck up.

During a six-day bus tour, Barack Obama dropped by a bowling alley in Pennsylvania. Obamamania is really catching on in this state; any pins he didn’t knock down wound up fainting.

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright has canceled plans to speak at three services at a Houston church on Sunday, the church's pastor said. Church officials cite security concerns as the reason for the cancellation, while Barack Obama cites the power of prayer.

A new study shows that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. Pundits say the findings could potentially split the super-hot delegate vote.

A poll conducted by AOL Television found TV veteran Larry King to be the least sexy talk show host. King released a statement thanking Rosie O’Donnell for retiring.

Actress Elizabeth Banks is in final negotiations to play Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming film about President George Bush. An excited Banks says she’s up for the challenge, as she once played a pine tree in a second grade play.

This week, President Bush granted pardons to 15 individuals. Here’s the sad part: they were all characters from Scooby Doo.

Ryan Seacrest told an interviewer that it is his ambition to be the Dick Clark for our generation, the Merv Griffin for our generation, and the Larry King for our generation. Upon hearing this, our generation replied, "we were with you up until Larry King".

A registered sex offender once busted for trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl is running for mayor of a small Texas town. He claims to have learned from his past mistakes, as evidenced by his campaign slogan, “old enough to vote, old enough to arrange sex with.”

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling has revealed she thought of killing herself when she was a broke, single mother. Sources say Rowling still has the seven-volume suicide note to prove it.

The White House told a federal court that its older computer hard drives have been destroyed. This means the missing e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may never be recovered, and Bush has no way of ever proving he once broke 500,000 on Snood.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter yesterday. For those who don’t follow religion, Easter marks the resurrection of Christ, the guy people worshiped before Obama came along.

Rough day for Hillary Clinton. First, she was beaten by Obama in the Mississippi's Democratic primary; then it came out that Bill Clinton was Client #1 through #8.

Republicans threatened to impeach Gov. Eliot Spitzer if he does not quit over the sex scandal. This will likely mark the end of Eliot Spitzer’s political career, and the beginning of his wife Silda’s.

If Eliot Spitzer resigns, Lt. governor David Paterson would fill in and New York will have its first blind governor, or, another New Yorker “who didn’t see anything”.

President Bush is dispatching Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to keep the peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. Bush is calling it “Operation Lark”.

A new federal study shows at least one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Still, the official who conducted the study said he has no regrets.

Sen. Barack Obama won the Wyoming Democratic caucuses over the weekend. After his win, a beaming Hilary Clinton boasted, “That’s my Vice President!”

President Bush made his first appearance on the stage of the Gridiron Club of Washington journalists where he sang a song about looking forward to his return to Texas. The song went to #1 on the “you and us both” charts.

A 31-year-old software engineer recalled the correct order of an entire deck of playing cards in 2 minutes and 27 seconds on Saturday to take the title of having the best memory in the United States. Coming in dead last was that friend of yours who still owes you forty bucks.

About 5,000 files containing confidential data on MTV employees were illegally accessed by someone outside the company. This marks the worst case of theft at the network since someone lifted Kurt Loder’s “Just for Men”.

A new investigation revealed a vast array of pharmaceutical drugs have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. While further testing is underway, all Americans are still advised to drink 8 glasses of water a day, or ten if you’re really depressed.

Last night, John McCain clinched the GOP nomination over Mike Huckabee. After getting swept by McCain in four states and being forced to bow out of the race, Mike Huckabee is finally starting to believe in dinosaurs.

After campaign saving victories in Texas, Ohio, and Vermont, Hillary Rodham Clinton hinted at the possibility of sharing the Democratic presidential ticket with Barack Obama— with her at the top. Wow. She’s like the girl that gets kissed once and starts looking for a wedding dress.

Responding to Clinton’s comeback in the primaries last night, Obama’s people were quick to point out that the delegate math is still in favor of their man. But enough about the press.

Harvard University has banned men from one of its gyms for a few hours a week because Muslim women cannot exercise comfortably in their presence. So much for the, “No Shame, No Gain” gym posters.

An Israeli researcher is claiming Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. This would explain why he scrapped the 11th Commandment, “Thou’ shall not eat the brown acid.”

Hundreds of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers flocked to the Plaza Hotel Saturday to take part in the landmark's reopening. The highlight of the reopening ceremony was the annual shooing away of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers.

A new BBC documentary reveals that the Hell’s Angels had plotted to assassinate Mick Jagger after he stopped using them as bouncers. They would have also gone after Keith Richards, but they really thought that one would take care of itself.

The Russian presidential elections were held this weekend. In the end, the Putin supported Dmitry Medvedev scored a decisive victory over challenger, “getting whacked in your kneecaps.”

The estate of Ric Weiland, one of the first five people to work at the software giant Microsoft, has left $65 million to gay rights organizations. Unfortunately, they blew it all last night on their Oscar party.

Millions of viewers from around the world tuned into the 80th Academy Awards show last night. The best picture award went to the Coen’s brother’s dark crime drama, “No Country For Old Men”, while best makeup went to the “Clinton Campaign”.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced that he is launching another independent campaign for the White House. At last, an independent minded candidate with the courage to hand the election back to the Republicans.

Some California McDonald's are being redesigned using the principles of feng shui. And, for a limited time only at these locations, you can get your Quarter Pounder with extra Ch’i.

Saudi Arabia’s Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice sent their religious police to arrest 57 men who were flirting with women in front of a shopping mall. Wise move… taking down flirts is no job for mall security.

A new report says that the 100-day Hollywood writers strike took a $2.5 billion toll on the Los Angeles County economy, but more importantly, it got the American Gladiators off the streets.

Iraqi authorities plan to round up homeless and mentally ill residents to prevent them from becoming used as suicide bombers. Truth be told, that’s also how they went about forming their government.

Sources say the 4-year-old son of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin showed no fear after recently being bitten by a baby boa constrictor. Little perspective here: he cried like a bitch when mommy wouldn’t cover the bite with a Dora the Explorer band-aid.

A lunar eclipse will take place tonight in which the moon will be dim, but won't disappear. Kind of like the Huckabee campaign.

Hillary Clinton has now lost 10 primaries in row. Her popularity has plummeted so drastically, MSNBC accidentally posted a picture of Osama up while talking about Hillary, and apologized to Osama.

Reacting to accusations of verbal plagiarism, Sen. Obama said he doesn't think it was a big deal that he borrowed lines from the Governor of Massachusetts. The presidential hopeful went on to say, if elected, he would stop borrowing lines from other politicians, starting on day one.

The founders of Ben & Jerry's have endorsed Barack Obama. The ice cream moguls say they’re also for change, though mostly in pants sizes.

Ben and Jerry are sending out two "ObamaMobiles" to drive around Vermont giving away scoops of "Cherries for Change" ice cream to Obama supporters, and scoops of “Ice Queen” for Hillary supporters.

Ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro said that he is retiring after 49 years. Luckily, Cuba is chock-full of healthy, young relief dictators.

The new issue of New York magazine features Lindsay Lohan posing nude in a recreation of one of Marilyn Monroe's most famous photo shoots. When first approached about the shoot, Lohan responded, "Sure! What kind of car was she getting out of?”

Pakistanis took to the polls today. In what is a crucial election, the people of Pakistan will decide who will be their next dead politician.

Former first lady Nancy Reagan wound up in a Los Angeles hospital early Monday. Doctors say she fell down, though Reagan insists she merely trickled down.

143 million pounds of beef are being recalled. Relax America, this doesn’t mean they’re taking your fries back, too.

The nation’s homeless are taking advantage of the foreclosure crisis and moving into vacant homes. And why not; they’re already not paid for.

Israeli military has reported that a drug used to treat impotence could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. No word yet whether the drug can cure premature carpet-bombing.

At the Grammy’s, Aretha Franklin got upset when Tina Turner was referred to as “the queen”. Meanwhile, the Queen Mary recently got upset when someone referred to it as “The Aretha”.

Today, Roger Clemens testified under oath before Congress. Clemens lasted four and 2/3 hours, gave up seven lies and almost struck five congressmen.

Some members of congress may be in trouble for getting Roger Clemens’ autograph. Of course, Clemens didn’t help his case by signing several autographs with a syringe.

The FBI has warned that Valentine's Day e-greetings from a stranger could actually be a "Trojan horse" that’s destructive to your computer, as opposed to the Valentine's Day e-greeting you send in lieu of a real card that's only destructive to your relationship.

For the first time in 100 years, a beagle has won the Westminster dog show. The victory marked the biggest triumph for beagles since the Flying Ace took down the Red Baron.

Over the weekend, Barack Obama swept three states' primaries on Saturday and won the Maine caucus on Sunday. He followed these victories by beating Bill Clinton at the Grammies for best spoken word album and then kicking Chelsea’s ass in Scrabulous.

Madame Tussauds Washington wax museum revealed its Barack Obama figure Monday. Shortly after, the wax Obama was endorsed by the wax Abraham Lincoln and the wax Liberace.

In a 60 Minutes interview, Hillary said she stays healthy by eating hot peppers. She also confessed to replicating human emotions by cutting raw onions.

Singer Amy Winehouse won five Grammy’s last night. The stunned newcomer could barely contain her excitement over her good fortune, until it was explained to her that a “Grammy” is not a unit of measurement.

A 56-year-old, six time convicted sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The level 3 sex offender says despite his newfound wealth, he has no plans for an early retirement.
Sorry ladies.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is expected to drop out of the Presidential race, though his campaign manager wants him to wait another few months until it’s too late.

Rudy says he looks forward to arriving back in New York, where ignoring the rest of the country is not just a strategy, but a way of life.

After another third place finish, Democrat John Edwards is dropping out of the presidential race. Pundits are now anxiously are waiting to see whether Edwards endorses Finesse or Pantene.

Sen. John McCain won the Florida primary yesterday. Ignoring differences in policies and experience, exit polls show Floridians went with the candidate they’d most like to play a game of shuffleboard with.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in LA now has a vending machine that dispenses medical marijuana. Getting your pot and your Cheetos in one place; why are we making life so easy for stoners?

Meg Whitman will soon step down as chief executive of eBay Inc. One employee had this to say, “Great Boss. :) Would definitely work for again!!!.”

A study released Wednesday found President Bush and his top officials lied a total of 935 times in the run-up to the Iraq war. And that was just to Barney the dog.

Former president Bill Clinton accused Barack Obama of a political "hit job." Obama has since backed down after waking up with John Kerry’s severed head in his bed.

Mitt Romney is now focusing on his business resume to secure votes. If that doesn’t work out, he can always fall back on his down home, everyman persona.

Polls show Rudy Giuliani has dropped to third place in the Florida Primary.
Sadly, this is after spending more time and money in Florida than he did in his second marriage.

Venezuela's opposition is demanding leftist President Hugo Chavez take a drug test after he said he chews coca leaves to keep up his energy. The accusation could put a crimp in Chavez’s plan to build a giant straw connecting Venezuela to Columbia.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" because the show insisted he cut one of his songs down. If that song was “Octopus’s Garden”, then high-five Reg!

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson announced today that he is withdrawing from the Republican presidential race, effective 2 months ago.

The world’s largest swimming people has opened at a resort on Chile's southern coast. This pool is so large, the lifeguards wear telescopes. This pool is so enormous, the Pacific is considered its kiddie pool. This pool is so gigantic, God peed in it and no one noticed.

Census figures show that fewer people are moving to Florida. Census officials suspect the trend may be due to people catching on to what happens to people that move to Florida.

A former Republican congressman was indicted for raising over $130,000 for a charity that supported Al Qaeda. I hope the Osama tote bag was worth it.

Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar has announced he wants to become the “ambassador of peace.” And Osama thought it was embarrassing when the kid wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees.

A high school track star has been disqualified from a meet because officials said the custom-made outfit she wears to conform to her Muslim faith violated competition rules. Oh, so it’s fine for an American student to run track in vest of dynamite...

Tom Cruise made a visit to Jerry’s Seinfeld’s NYC garage to check out his car collection. Tom was happy to report there were no Suppressive Porches.

British pop star George Michael is working on a memoir to be released in 2009. The memoir will be titled “Anything to infiltrate your bathroom.”