One of the Greats. RIP.

Naomi Campbell was sentenced to 200 hours of community service for her "air rage" incident at Heathrow Airport. $20 says a homeless man gets a ladle of scolding hot soup in his face before that 200 hours is up.

Over 33,000 people took their lives in Japan last year, despite a government campaign to reduce the number of suicides. Then again, the campaign’s slogan was, “Don’t disgrace your family, you disgrace to your family.”

U.S. lawmakers are trying to pass legislation to remove former South African President Nelson Mandela from a U.S. list of terrorists by his 90th birthday. In addition, President Bush has pledged to not get him, dead or alive.

Martha Stewart has been refused a visa to Britain because of her criminal convictions. Nice Brits! God forbid any decent recipes should sneak into the country.

The Census Bureau has projected the world's population will be 7 billion in 2012. Fine…7 billion and 1, Senator McCain!

A new report says that Australia has a higher obesity rate than the United States. Upon hearing this, America replied, “That’s only because they’re 2 meals ahead of us.”

A gang of female bandits dressed as nurses are mugging elderly women in Florida. Of course, you’re safe if you’re not in their network.

President Bush visited the Midwest today to inspect the damage inflicted by massive floods. You can tell he’s not even trying anymore; he proclaimed the area a national swimming pool.

The Vatican said Wednesday that it is working on a set of guidelines for what it considers "good cinema." The guidelines will be used to help the public seek out only those films that will never be produced.

Time Magazine is reporting that a group of girls under the age of 16 followed through on their pact to get pregnant. This isn’t going to help with their other pact: lose 10 lbs by the Junior Prom.

The Boston Celtics beat the Los Angeles Lakers at home to become the 2008 NBA champs. I don’t want to say Laker fans are angry, but Jack Nicholson just added "kick Phil Jackson’s ass" to his Bucket List.

A new report shows Al Gore’s personal electricity consumption is up 10%. And this after he promised to stop eating light bulbs.

While digging into Mars' north pole region, NASA's Phoenix lander has discovered a mysterious white material mixed in with the soil. Oh my God. Mars has a coke problem.

Israeli TV anchors have started using Condoleezza Rice's name as a verb to mean "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." This is all the more interesting, because "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." was Condi’s nickname in college.

J.Lo performed at an elementary school graduation in Staten Island yesterday. Afterwards, many of the girls proclaimed they want to go into music, while many of the boys decided they want to go into J.Lo.

The Cuban government has announced that Elian Gonzalez, the boy at the center of an international custody battle eight years ago, has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union. Here’s the difference- if he stayed in America, right now he’d be joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars".

Reports indicate that President Bush will attempt to capture Osama Bin Laden one final time. Don’t get too excited. He got the idea right after seeing “Iron Man”.

A Minnesota Twins pitcher struck out four batters in one inning in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. Upon hearing this, NBA refs asked MLB umpires, “How much did you get for that?”

Prince William was made a Royal Knight of the Garter in a regal ceremony on Monday. Despite his newfound status, William still insists on being treated like an ordinary prince.

Amy Winehouse collapsed on Monday at her north London home. Doctors say the singer was just lucky she fell hair first.

Today, California becomes the second state to allow gays to marry. In others news, the Pottery Barn’s online wedding registry page just exploded.

A Texas man entered the Guinness Book of Records for drawing the most tattoos in a 24-hour period. Oliver Peck completed 415 tattoos, or 300 miles of barbed wire.

“The Incredible Hulk” was the top movie at the box office this weekend. Critics attribute the success to moviegoers being desperate to see someone other than Kim Cattrall rip off their clothes this summer.

Sources say President Bush is contemplating writing a memoir. Bush said, “Hey, if that Harry Potter kid can write 7 of them…”

Unconfirmed sources say Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and his ex-wife, actress Pamela Anderson are once again dating. I’ll believe it when I’m masturbating to it.

R. Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography trial. When asked what he planned to do now that his ordeal is over, a victorious Kelly responded, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head, making it look much like the mythical unicorn, has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy. Of course, it was spotted by a Centaur, and you know how they like to make stuff up.

President Bush made an unprecedented visit to the Vatican yesterday. Other presidents have been there before, but Bush was the first to get the Pope to do donuts in the pope mobile.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul said Thursday night he is ending his campaign. Though he’s dropping his presidential bid, Paul did hint he would still be open to not being taken seriously for the role of VP.

News Corp's MySpace plans a global redesign next week. No word yet whether the redesign means “Tom” is getting a new t-shirt.

"Grey's Anatomy" star, Katherine Heigl declined to put her name in for Emmy consideration, saying she did not feel that she was given the material this season to warrant one. Perhaps she will next season for the episode in which she’s beaten mercilessly by a pack of underappreciated, bat wielding TV writers.

An artist has used toy parts from an erector set to assemble a nearly seven-story model skyscraper in New York City. Already, the building is a huge hit with Lego tourists.

Two people have been charged with supplying drugs to Amy Winehouse. Two down, 200 to go.

A Marine was expelled for his role in a video showing a puppy being thrown off a cliff in Iraq. Upon hearing this, Barack Obama promised to bring home all puppies in Iraq within eight months.

Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about his faith and patriotism...and between you and me, I hear it was designed by Al-Qaeda operatives.

On Wednesday, President Bush admitted that his tough rhetoric had given the world the impression that’s he’s a "guy really anxious for war". Oh, and the whole “invading the wrong country” thing didn’t help either.

In Poland, a newborn entered the world with a blood-alcohol level of 0.29. Doctors say the baby will survive, but will not be handed its plastic keys until it sobers up.

A new report shows an increasing number of European Muslim women looking to reclaim their virginity are undergoing a procedure that restores their hymens. The procedure is known "hymenoplasty", or more commonly, “sewing your wild oat”.

The world's fastest supercomputer was unveiled earlier this week, a $100 million machine that can perform 1,000 trillion calculations per second in a sustained exercise. Nevertheless, the super computer confessed it can’t friggin wait to get that new iPhone next month.

A city Health Department study finds that more than a fourth of adult New Yorkers are infected with the virus that causes genital herpes. Even more alarming: two thirds of all NYC subway seats have been diagnosed with Gonorrhea.

AC/DC's next studio album will be sold exclusively at Wal-Mart stores. No one is saying they sold out, but the first single planned for release is, “For those about to shop, (we salute you).”

Presidential candidate John McCain joked that he’s using Google to search for his running mate. In all seriousness, he’s using eHarmony.

Archaeologists have unearthed what they claim is the world's first church in Jordan. They’re planning on returning to dig the rest of it up on Easter and Christmas.

Verizon, Sprint and Time Warner Cable have agreed with New York state officials to block access to child pornography. This marks a sharp turnaround from their prior policy: free child porn for the first month.

Supermarkets and restaurants are yanking certain varieties of tomatoes after a 17-state salmonella outbreak. In other news, Fozzie Bear has cancelled all upcoming appearances until further notice.

President Bush begins his last tour through Europe today. You can tell they're going to miss him over there; the protesters were burning paper mache going-away cakes in effigy.

Today Bush will attend the EU-US Summit in Ljubljana. Bush spent the weekend preparing by trying to sound out the name “Ljubljana”.

**

Pamela Anderson is selling her prized Dodge Viper and donating the proceeds to PETA. Anderson said it’s only right, given how many animals she screwed to get that car.

Leonardo DiCaprio is set to star in a biopic about Nolan Bushnell, the founder of "Atari". So, if you thought playing "Pong" was exciting, then just wait till you see how it was invented.

Prince celebrated his 50th birthday this weekend. He planned to celebrate the milestone birthday like it was 1999, but was only able to stay awake until 9:59.

During a townhall event in Florida, John McCain said he would like to see NASA put a man on Mars. Then he got really crazy and said he’d like to see the republicans put a man in the White House.

McCain commented that one of his favorite childhood books had been Ray Bradbury's 1950 novel "The Martian Chronicles," about humans colonizing Mars. One invasion at a time, ol’ fella.

When asked to respond, Barack Obama said he would work to pull a man off of Mars.

**

Barack Obama met privately Hillary Clinton on Thursday in Washington. No one knows what exactly what was discussed, but Barack did say he only had to use their “safe word” twice during the meeting.

**

Yesterday, two daredevils climbed the New York Times building in midtown Manhattan just hours apart. Both originally planned to climb the Fox News building, but found it way too slippery.

Following the daring stunts, the New Times heightened its building security today, with several of its columnists requiring special clearance just to climb into their ivory towers.

The AP released a story today claiming that Hillary Clinton will drop her presidential bid this evening. How about that? Barack quits church- three days later, he witnesses his first miracle.

Sources have confirmed that if Clinton were offered the VP post, she would seriously consider Barack Obama as her running mate.

Some top Clinton campaign officials have denied the AP report, saying they still firmly believe that only Clinton can defeat herself in November.

Among the many regrets the Clinton campaign must live with, the most painful will likely be not stickering enough babies' heads earlier in the campaign.

A fire shut down Universal Studios film and TV studio on Sunday. The fire managed to destroy a popular "King Kong" attraction, but not before the ape took out several LAFD rescue helicopters.

The fire also swept through some the Universal’s most famous sets, such as the town square from "Back to the Future." Someone should have seen that one coming.

The fire got close to the nearby MTV Movie awards, but was turned away after its name could not be found on the list.

**

Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers who wore women's thongs over their heads while holding up a convenience store. Police are on the look out for two freshman that really want to get into that fraternity.

"Sex and the City" was the biggest movie of the weekend. I don’t want to spoil anything, but your girlfriend will be slightly more obnoxious for a 24-hour period after seeing this movie.

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh have successfully trained a group of monkeys to use their mind to command a robot arm to feed them marshmallows. Through this, researchers hope to create the laziest monkeys ever.

Outgoing Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is writing a book. The announcement came after Craig exited a truck stop restroom and his wife asked what took him so long in there.

New York’s Governor David Paterson has told state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages. So, a 2-hour Sex & the City movie wasn’t enough?

Sen. Barack Obama is considering a trip to Iraq before the November elections. Hillary too, but just for pleasure.

In Tallahassee, a 101-year-old woman got her driving license renewed. Afterwards, the woman complained her new license picture makes her look old.

On Sunday, John McCain held a barbeque at his Arizona home for the presumptive Republican Vice President nominees and Secretary of Potato Salad hopefuls.

While chatting at least briefly with all of the potential running mates, much of McCain’s time was spent keeping Mitt Romney’s hair away from the open flame.

Sources say guests were treated to overcooked burgers, as a wary McCain refused to pull them off the grill too soon.

**

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico over the weekend. A decisive victory in the Puerto Rico primary would keep alive Clinton’s dream of becoming the next President of East Harlem.

If nothing else, the visit to the island gave Clinton an opportunity to break in her new belly pantsuit.

Barack Obama visited a conservative Synagogue in the center of Florida’s Jewish community yesterday. Obama spent half the time speaking about the security of Israel and the other half explaining why he couldn’t stay longer for coffee and nosh.

Barack asked members of the Synagogue not to judge him because he has a funny name. “I’m not sure that’s possible”, responded the temple’s Rabbi, Moshi Rubenstein.

Barack left Florida with a deep sense of guilt over not campaigning there enough.


**

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended tough interrogation techniques approved by the Bush administration, saying they were necessary to protect the U.S. from new attacks. Rice added, “besides, they’re the only way to get Cheney to smile these days.”

A mother was sentenced to 20 years in prison Thursday for keeping her 17-year-old adopted son caged in her home. The teen felt justice had been served, until he learned her cage would have indoor plumbing.

440 children from a polygamist sect's ranch may be headed back home after an appellate court decision upended the custody case that sent more them into foster care. This is exciting news for the sect’s children, who just want to go back to a place where kids can be wives.

Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison. Out of habit, Pearlman tried to get something closer 18 years.

Sources say Pearlman plans to spend his time in jail forming the ultimate boy-fondler band.

**

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain is set to release his health records. The McCain camp hopes the records put to rest the damaging rumors that McCain’s been dead for two years.

President Bush announced today that under a new change in policy, the US will allow Americans to send mobile phones to relatives in Cuba. Bush explained that Cubans have just as much a right to vote for the next American Idol as we do.

A mob stormed the homes of elderly people accused of witchcraft in southwestern Kenya, burning 11 of them to death. Tough time to be a witch in Kenya.

A Girl Scout reportedly sold 17,328 boxes of the group's signature cookies this year. This smashes the previous record set by some other little girl with a pushy mother with lots of coworkers.

In other cookie news, an overturned trailer spilled out 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos onto Interstate 80 in Illinois. On the upside, the highway grew from two lanes to four.

Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and Portia de Rossi will wed during a taping of her talk show. Sources say Rosie O’Donnell has agreed to be the best man.

An American soldier used a Quran for target practice in Iraq, prompting an apology from the U.S. military. In the soldier’s defense, the book shot at him first.

A 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin. Even worse, found in the embryonic twin’s stomach was a set of Russian nesting dolls.

Former presidential Democratic candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama earlier today. In other news, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton came out for Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's camp denies she's desperate for good news, but did confirm she has demanded a recount in West Virginia.

The Interior Department declared the polar bear a threatened species Wednesday. John Edwards responded by saying he’s ready to endorse whatever bears are running against them.

Barack Obama also won the endorsement of NARAL Pro-Choice America, a leading abortion rights advocacy organization. The group had supported Hillary Clinton throughout her political career, but let’s face it, this is a group that knows how to sever its ties.

In a television interview, it came out that Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie is expecting twins. Jolie said it doesn't matter whether the twins wind up being fraternal or identical, she’s going to treat them as if they’re her own.