Barack Obama says he now regrets putting his daughters under the spotlight for an interview with Access Hollywood. Still, he says he'd rather see them on the next “Real World” than see Jesse Jackson within 50 yards of a microphone.

On a Fox News program, Jesse Jackson made an off-the-record remark that he wanted to cut off Obama's testicles, unaware that a hot microphone picked up the comment. Jesse has apologized for the remark, but just in case, Obama now has four secret service agents assigned exclusively to ball detail.

17 year old Jamie Lee Spears will appear on the cover of OK magazine with her new baby. She said she chose to appear in OK because that’s her favorite word.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dismissed a potential attack by the US as a “funny joke”. Apparently, he hasn’t heard the one about the cowboy who walks into a Baghdad.

New DNA tests have definitively cleared the parents of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. Now the only thing they’re guilty of is going a bit too heavy with the mascara.

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Not surprisingly, Barrymore claims things started to fall apart as soon as her AppleCare Plan was up.

The wife of Alex Rodriguez has filed for divorce. So far, the divorce has not effected Alex’s hitting and he still leads the league in On Madonna Percentage.

A new poll has found that pet owners favor John McCain over Barack Obama. The pets themselves also prefer McCain, believing he’s the candidate more likely to support mid-afternoon naps.

A man flew his lawn chair rigged with helium-filled balloons more than 200 miles across the Oregon desert on Saturday. Bye-bye dependency on foreign oil...

NBC Universal and two partners have reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel for $3.5 billion in cash. You fucked up one too many times, Roker.

President Bush defended his decision to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing next month, saying that to boycott the event "would be an affront to the Chinese people", adding, “and you don’t want to piss off the people that write our fortunes.”

Convicted French serial killer Charles Sobhraj, sentenced to life in prison for over 20 murders, is engaged and plans to marry a woman 44 years younger than he is. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath and Bludgeon. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Rockers Bon Jovi will play a free concert in Central Park on July 12… tunnel traffic permitting.

Starbucks is set to close over 600 stores due to a faltering economy. Analysts say this could have a disastrous effect on the third act of over 1200 unfinished screenplays.

A domesticated chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is at large after walking out of the Southern California home where he was raised. As of now, there are no clues as to why he left, only the long shot theory that he got tired of putting the seat down and using a fucking salad fork.

Actor Dennis Haysbert believes his role as the U.S. President on Fox’s 24 may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama. After all, his role as the spokesman for Allstate has helped many African American men realize their dream of selling auto insurance.

A rape charge against Rikki Rockett has been dropped after authorities determined that the Poison drummer was not in the state at the time of the alleged crime. Also, turns out, Rockett isn’t even a dude.

A surprising new study shows that the majority of firearm deaths are from suicide. Jeez. How long is the waiting period for sleeping pills?

The United States leads the world in rates of marijuana and cocaine use, World Health Organization researchers said on Tuesday. How bad is our habit? We just pawned Rhode Island to buy an eight ball.

Astronomers have discovered that Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps that could be heard by any aliens who might be listening. Just in case, on the count of three, everyone yell, “sorry about the noise”.

Former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama talked on the phone Monday morning. The call ended like most of Clinton’s calls: with Bill abruptly hanging up when his wife walked in.

Video game developer Activision released a version of its popular “Guitar Hero” game featuring songs exclusively from Aerosmith. The game’s release was delayed after early testing showed players checking into rehab after every other song.

According to SAG leaders, Hollywood actors could go on strike in July. The bad news is this could mean a lag in movie production. The good news is, if you’re in Hollywood, your waiter will definitely be right with you.

Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay, told reporters he may have fathered another child while separated from the star’s mother. That would make her Lindsay’s half-train wreck.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was sworn in on Sunday after being declared the overwhelming winner of an election widely discredited by violence and intimidation. Still, gotta give him credit for not playing the race card.

A millionaire who held two housekeepers as virtual slaves in her Long Island mansion was sentenced to 11 years in prison. After the sentencing was handed down, the woman turned to the housekeepers and warned, “The place better be clean when I get back.”

Metallica has announced its new album will be titled "Death Magnetic". The album was originally going to be called “Magnetic”, but the band then decided that wasn’t “deathy” enough.

Democrats Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton made a joint appearance today in the New Hampshire town of Unity. If you’re not familiar with Unity, it’s located right between Bittertown and Inyourfaceville.

A Washington woman was sentenced to two years in prison for her role in the infamous Nigerian email check scam. Scam?

Madonna has announced she’s ending her marriage to Guy Ritchie. The material girl has already lined up Paul McCartney’s lawyer and will be using the backup lawyers from her divorce from Sean Penn.

Actor Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame is suing a website over a video of him having sex with a model. Meanwhile, the model is suing Verne Troyer for calling that “sex”.

Today, the German government unveiled a bundle of measures to whip millions of overweight adults and children into shape. Uh oh.

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In an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Barack Obama said he listens to an eclectic mix of music on his iPod while on the campaign trail. John McCain says he tries to as well, but his iPod keeps eating his tapes.

Today, John McCain said only World War III would prompt the Republican presidential candidate to bring back the military draft. That, or one more teenager calling him “Grandpa”.

President Bush is accusing Democrats in Congress of blocking his energy proposals. It seems nothing can give traction to his plan to give polar bears jobs at power plants

A new study shows people may unconsciously change their personality when they switch languages. Habla Español, Seniorita Coulter?

Yesterday, a Brooklyn woman gave birth on a New York City train platform. Many commuters watched the birth take place, but only because it was the least graphic thing happening on the platform at the time.

Months after returning to the radio, Don Imus is once again accused of making racist remarks. Imus defended himself, saying some of his best new staff members hired to shield him against accusations of racism are black.

With a shaky economy, more LA residents are being forced to live in their cars, vans or RVs. On the upside, LA traffic jams will now be called “block parties”.

Pop singer Gary Glitter, serving a three-year term in a Vietnamese prison for child molestation, plans to continue with his unfinished album when freed. Until then, you’ll just have to tide yourself over with that John Wayne Gacy Essentials box set.

Culture Club frontman Boy George's North American summer tour is in doubt after U.S. authorities refused to issue him a visa. Either way, there are still plenty of other reasons to make it out to Great Adventure this summer.

Former President Bill Clinton said through a spokesman today that he is fully committed to helping Barack Obama become president. In response, Barack’s people commented, “Yeah. We’ve noticed.”

The winner of this year’s World's Ugliest Dog contest is Gus, a dog with only three legs, one eye and no hair. And yes, bitches…. he’s single.

A mob of surfers attacked paparazzi trying to photograph actor Matthew McConaughey on a Malibu beach. And, thanks to their bold actions, what Matthew McConaughey looks like on a beach will remain a mystery.

John McCain is offering a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that can deliver power at 30 percent of current costs. Also, anyone that can find his reading glasses gets $20.

In New York, a worker fell while working at the Statue of Liberty. Hey, the inscription doesn't ask anyone to “give us your clumsy”.

An upcoming book about Hugh Hefner claims the Playboy founder once had a gay tryst. If your faith is shaken, it’s important to note that during the gay sex, Hef used Ms. September as a condom.

One of the Greats. RIP.

Naomi Campbell was sentenced to 200 hours of community service for her "air rage" incident at Heathrow Airport. $20 says a homeless man gets a ladle of scolding hot soup in his face before that 200 hours is up.

Over 33,000 people took their lives in Japan last year, despite a government campaign to reduce the number of suicides. Then again, the campaign’s slogan was, “Don’t disgrace your family, you disgrace to your family.”

U.S. lawmakers are trying to pass legislation to remove former South African President Nelson Mandela from a U.S. list of terrorists by his 90th birthday. In addition, President Bush has pledged to not get him, dead or alive.

Martha Stewart has been refused a visa to Britain because of her criminal convictions. Nice Brits! God forbid any decent recipes should sneak into the country.

The Census Bureau has projected the world's population will be 7 billion in 2012. Fine…7 billion and 1, Senator McCain!

A new report says that Australia has a higher obesity rate than the United States. Upon hearing this, America replied, “That’s only because they’re 2 meals ahead of us.”

A gang of female bandits dressed as nurses are mugging elderly women in Florida. Of course, you’re safe if you’re not in their network.

President Bush visited the Midwest today to inspect the damage inflicted by massive floods. You can tell he’s not even trying anymore; he proclaimed the area a national swimming pool.

The Vatican said Wednesday that it is working on a set of guidelines for what it considers "good cinema." The guidelines will be used to help the public seek out only those films that will never be produced.

Time Magazine is reporting that a group of girls under the age of 16 followed through on their pact to get pregnant. This isn’t going to help with their other pact: lose 10 lbs by the Junior Prom.

The Boston Celtics beat the Los Angeles Lakers at home to become the 2008 NBA champs. I don’t want to say Laker fans are angry, but Jack Nicholson just added "kick Phil Jackson’s ass" to his Bucket List.

A new report shows Al Gore’s personal electricity consumption is up 10%. And this after he promised to stop eating light bulbs.

While digging into Mars' north pole region, NASA's Phoenix lander has discovered a mysterious white material mixed in with the soil. Oh my God. Mars has a coke problem.

Israeli TV anchors have started using Condoleezza Rice's name as a verb to mean "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." This is all the more interesting, because "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." was Condi’s nickname in college.

J.Lo performed at an elementary school graduation in Staten Island yesterday. Afterwards, many of the girls proclaimed they want to go into music, while many of the boys decided they want to go into J.Lo.

The Cuban government has announced that Elian Gonzalez, the boy at the center of an international custody battle eight years ago, has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union. Here’s the difference- if he stayed in America, right now he’d be joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars".

Reports indicate that President Bush will attempt to capture Osama Bin Laden one final time. Don’t get too excited. He got the idea right after seeing “Iron Man”.

A Minnesota Twins pitcher struck out four batters in one inning in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. Upon hearing this, NBA refs asked MLB umpires, “How much did you get for that?”

Prince William was made a Royal Knight of the Garter in a regal ceremony on Monday. Despite his newfound status, William still insists on being treated like an ordinary prince.

Amy Winehouse collapsed on Monday at her north London home. Doctors say the singer was just lucky she fell hair first.

Today, California becomes the second state to allow gays to marry. In others news, the Pottery Barn’s online wedding registry page just exploded.

A Texas man entered the Guinness Book of Records for drawing the most tattoos in a 24-hour period. Oliver Peck completed 415 tattoos, or 300 miles of barbed wire.

“The Incredible Hulk” was the top movie at the box office this weekend. Critics attribute the success to moviegoers being desperate to see someone other than Kim Cattrall rip off their clothes this summer.

Sources say President Bush is contemplating writing a memoir. Bush said, “Hey, if that Harry Potter kid can write 7 of them…”

Unconfirmed sources say Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and his ex-wife, actress Pamela Anderson are once again dating. I’ll believe it when I’m masturbating to it.

R. Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography trial. When asked what he planned to do now that his ordeal is over, a victorious Kelly responded, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head, making it look much like the mythical unicorn, has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy. Of course, it was spotted by a Centaur, and you know how they like to make stuff up.

President Bush made an unprecedented visit to the Vatican yesterday. Other presidents have been there before, but Bush was the first to get the Pope to do donuts in the pope mobile.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul said Thursday night he is ending his campaign. Though he’s dropping his presidential bid, Paul did hint he would still be open to not being taken seriously for the role of VP.

News Corp's MySpace plans a global redesign next week. No word yet whether the redesign means “Tom” is getting a new t-shirt.

"Grey's Anatomy" star, Katherine Heigl declined to put her name in for Emmy consideration, saying she did not feel that she was given the material this season to warrant one. Perhaps she will next season for the episode in which she’s beaten mercilessly by a pack of underappreciated, bat wielding TV writers.

An artist has used toy parts from an erector set to assemble a nearly seven-story model skyscraper in New York City. Already, the building is a huge hit with Lego tourists.

Two people have been charged with supplying drugs to Amy Winehouse. Two down, 200 to go.

A Marine was expelled for his role in a video showing a puppy being thrown off a cliff in Iraq. Upon hearing this, Barack Obama promised to bring home all puppies in Iraq within eight months.

Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about his faith and patriotism...and between you and me, I hear it was designed by Al-Qaeda operatives.

On Wednesday, President Bush admitted that his tough rhetoric had given the world the impression that’s he’s a "guy really anxious for war". Oh, and the whole “invading the wrong country” thing didn’t help either.

In Poland, a newborn entered the world with a blood-alcohol level of 0.29. Doctors say the baby will survive, but will not be handed its plastic keys until it sobers up.

A new report shows an increasing number of European Muslim women looking to reclaim their virginity are undergoing a procedure that restores their hymens. The procedure is known "hymenoplasty", or more commonly, “sewing your wild oat”.

The world's fastest supercomputer was unveiled earlier this week, a $100 million machine that can perform 1,000 trillion calculations per second in a sustained exercise. Nevertheless, the super computer confessed it can’t friggin wait to get that new iPhone next month.

A city Health Department study finds that more than a fourth of adult New Yorkers are infected with the virus that causes genital herpes. Even more alarming: two thirds of all NYC subway seats have been diagnosed with Gonorrhea.