Last Night’s 79th Annual Academy Awards were completely green, with organic cocktails, Leonardo DiCaprio arriving in a Toyota Prius, and Joan Rivers wearing a 100% biodegradable face.

Martin Scorsese finally got his due, winning best director for his mob epic "The Departed". Unfortunately, as the band started playing him off with “Gimme Shelter”, Scorsese instinctively gave his Oscar statuette two in the back of the head.


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Iran has successfully launched its first rocket into space, claiming it was for research purposes. Apparently, Iran is researching how much shit they can get away with before starting World War III.

The Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery. They said they would have apologized sooner, who’s got the time when you have to harvest your own tobacco crops.

A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager told reporters he believes his decades of sexual abstinence has attributed to his longevity. Wild guess: those sexless decades include the last three.