Friday, December 29, 2006

This New Year’s Eve in Times Square, the retail giant Target will distribute 3D glasses that will transform the extravaganza's fireworks into glowing "Target bull's-eyes." Bull's-eyes. Just what you want to see hovering over your head during a high profile event in a New York City landmark.

In addition to Target’s fireworks display, this year the Wal-Mart smiley face will replace the traditionally dropped ball, and standing in for Dick Clark will be a 124-ounce jar of mayonnaise courtesy of Costco.

**

A Hollywood man who makes inflatable extras for films is being sued by a pair of mannequin makers who say they were the first to come up with the idea of replacing humans with dummies. Of course, some might argue, no one’s been doing this longer than McDonalds.

The sheriff's deputy who arrested Mel Gibson for drunken driving says his superiors have harassed him ever since. The officer Mel called “sugar tits”, however, only has to deal with the occasional request to help out a fellow officer suffering from low blood sugar.

The Food and Drug Administration announced that meat from cloned animals is safe for human consumption. So, go ahead and enjoy those cloned mad cow burgers.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Saddam Hussein must really be feeling death at his door. Today, he asked Donald Trump for a second chance.

Saddam’s execution is possible at any time, though many government officals are pushing to delay the hanging until the ever-important Ramadan sweeps.

**

An Indian chess player has been banned for 10 years for cheating to win games. The man’s friends worry the shame and humiliation of his banishment could drive him to checkers.

A New Zealand woman is in critical condition after being crushed by a dolphin that leapt onto her boat. Witnesses on the boat say it was the most beautiful dolphin attack they’ve ever seen.

John Edwards, the Democratic vice presidential nominee in 2004, launched a run for the presidency on Thursday, promising to cut U.S. troops in Iraq, reduce global warming and personally peel off that embarrassing Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper sticker still on your car.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Former U.S. President Gerald Ford has died. Ford, filling the vacancy left by Richard Nixon, was the only unelected President ever to hold office. Well, almost…

Upon being sworn in, President Gerald R. Ford told an uneasy nation that "our long national nightmare is over", a phrase he would also use later to describe the demise of Chevy Chase’s career.

NBC led the Christmas primetime ratings race with a special holiday edition of "Deal or No Deal." Coming in a distant fifth, “CSI: North Pole”.

Iraq’s highest court said that Saddam Hussein must be hanged within thirty days, which means Saddam will finally be giving up sweets for the New Year!

A new study shows, the more your belly sticks out, the greater your risk of developing heart disease. The upside is, it also increases the chances of someone giving up their seat for you on the bus.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A mysterious teenaged boy believed by some to be a reincarnation of Lord Buddha has reappeared in eastern Nepal after vanishing for nine months. The boy was said to have been meditating without food or water, though that doesn’t explain his acute case of “Wii elbow”.

Today marks the beginning of Kwanza, as well the annual head scratching of people everywhere wondering why they’ve never known one person who celebrates Kwanza.

Newly found records from a Swiss hotel register confirm that Sigmund Freud did indeed have an affair with his sister-in law. The liaison was long suspected, particularly after the recent discovery of Freud’s lost tome, “Interpretation of Dreams About Leaving Your Cold Fish Bitch Of A Wife And Running Off With Her Sweet Assed Younger Sister.”

In January, Emirates will be the first airline to allow passengers to make cell phone calls on its flights. Oh good, because I never feel like I know enough about the douche bag sitting beside me who thinks he owns the armrest.

The former Miss Nevada USA, dethroned over racy photos posted online, apologized and pleaded for a second chance, or as it’s now being called, “The Forgiveness Competition”.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Pope Benedict ushered in Christmas at midnight mass, saying the image of the baby Jesus in a manger should remind everyone of the plight of the world’s poor, abused and neglected children. And if that’s aiming too high, it should at least remind everyone of just how ridiculously cute baby Jesus was!

The pope also encouraged followers to worship God, not technology. For more, please visit: www.vatican.va


**

The White House is expected to announce a reconstruction package for Iraq that would create work for unemployed Iraqis. Unfortunately, the work being created will be digging graves for other Iraqis.

It’s been reported that Michael Jackson is planning a comeback in Las Vegas. The King of Pop chose Vegas after hearing it’s the only town where you’re encouraged to hit on anything under 12.

Sean John has apologized to animal lovers after an investigation found that the hooded jackets under his label were actually made from a certain species of dog. Unfortunately, the apology was issued from his limo made entirely of puppy ears.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Congratulations to Sean "Diddy" Combs on the birth of his twin baby girls. Combs says he is taking his paternal responsibilities very seriously this time around. He's even warming up the Dom up before he puts it in their bottles.

Diddy says some of the parenting duties will be split, with his wife taking charge of the diaper changing, while he’ll be in charge of the name changing.

**

The war between Rosie O’Donnel and Donald Trump rages on. Yesterday, Trump threatened to send someone over to steal Rosie’s girlfriend. In response, Rosie threatened to send over a shiny object to steal Trump’s wife.

J.K. Rowling has announced the name of the final Harry Potter book. It’s going to be called “How I became a zillionaire off of dorks like you!”

Florida Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis was arrested Friday morning on a drunken driving charge. The cops pulled over the pitcher when they noticed his car was swerving juuust a bit outside the lines.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are gearing up for what could be a nasty custody battle over their two children. Meanwhile, both babies have filed for adoption.

President George Bush couldn’t be more serious about building up the army’s numbers. Today, he started drafting stem cells.

Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are engaged in a bitter feud, with Rosie calling Trump a snake oil salesman and Trump calling Rosie a fat slob. Well, at least they both have their facts straight.

Early studies suggest that psychedelic mushrooms are effective in relieving the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Of course, they don’t work as well for those obsessing about melting objects.

When asked about any possible political ambitions, outgoing Florida governor Jeb Bush told reporters he has no future. Nice to see one of them has a grasp on reality.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A new study shows that almost all Americans have premarital sex. The study was conducted by The Institute Of Guys Trying To Get Their God-Fearing Girlfriends To Give It Up Already.

In a new position on the war in Iraq, President Bush stated “We're not winning, we're not losing". Words of either a masterful politician or a little league coach in denial.

After announcing Iran’s nuclear capabilities, Ahamdinejad predicted that Britian, Israel and the United States would eventually disappear from the world like the Egyptian Pharaonic kings. Boy, is this year’s Secret Santa at the UN going to be awkward!

Rap megastar Eminem and his high school sweetheart have divorced for a second time. Like most divorces, the ones who get hurt most are the fans that buy his next album, bitterly chronicling the divorce.

A woman going through security at Los Angeles International Airport put her month-old grandson into a plastic bin and slid it into an X-ray machine. The baby was said not to be hurt by the radiation, but was detained for the dirty bomb found in its diaper.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Founder of Hanna-Barbera Studios and legendary Hollywood animator Joseph Barbera has Yaba Daba Died.

Barbera created such popular characters as The Flinstones, Tom and Jerry and Scooby Doo. Cause of death was likely that creepy guy from the carnival- who would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

***

Today, Donald Trump said he will allow Tara Conner to keep her Miss USA title but, she will have to give up her Miss “GIMMIE ANOTHER SHOT- WHO WANTS TO SEE MY TITS?” title.

Scientists have discovered at least 52 new species of animals in Borneo. Unfortunately, due to global warming, 51 of those new species have already melted.

Analysts are saying that marijuana is the country's largest cash crop, which might explain why pints of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food is the country's second largest crop.

Monday, December 18, 2006

A new survey shows children think being a celebrity is the "very best thing in the world", with God coming in a distant 10th. Perhaps God would have fared better if his PR people hadn’t tried to sleep with half the children taking the survey.

The winners of Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” went to everyone using or creating content on the World Wide Web. Okay, so where can the guy masturbating to sororitysluts.com pick up his plaque?

It's been found that excessive drinking can damage brain cells, but the brain can repair some of the harm. Unfortunately, the brain cannot repair Rip Torn’s integrity.

A new study suggests as a child's IQ rises, their taste for meat declines. Conversely, as a child’s taste for meat increases, their desire to hang out with their obnoxious, Holier Than Thou vegan friends decreases.

A new report says that most Americans haven't taken the necessary steps to prepare for a natural disaster, terrorist attack or other emergency. Luckily, when it comes time to pick a new American Idol, we’ll be ready.

Friday, December 15, 2006

A Nevada state Senator is pushing to allow teachers to carry guns in the classroom. Finally, an incentive for kids to go into teaching.

The defendant in the Duke lacrosse rape case has given birth roughly nine months after the alleged assault. The woman’s lawyers issued a statement saying that mother and baby midfielder are doing just fine.

Its been found that Botox can relieve constipation. And the best part is, afterwards, your asshole won’t look a day over 40.

The world's tallest man reached his long arms into two dolphins to pull out plastic bags from their stomachs. For his next trick, the man will reach his arms into President Bush’s ass in an effort to retrieve his head.

Morgan Stanley awarded its Chief Executive Officer a $40 million bonus. Guess someone’s kid is getting a ‘Shit Gold Bricks For Me Elmo’ this Christmas.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sir Elton John says he will sing 'Candle In The Wind' at the Concert for Diana if Britain's Princes Harry and William ask him. Of course, he will also sing ‘Candle In The Wind’ if your hamster dies and you ask him.

After much deliberation, attendees of the Holocaust conference in Iran have surprisingly scaled back their initial assertion that “the Holocaust never happened” to “Barbra Streisand was never in Yental.”

The "Girls Gone Wild" video empire agreed to pay $1.6 million for filming drunken, underage girls in the raunchy videos, which is exactly 1.54 million more than I spent buying them.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt say they will likely adopt their next child to try to balance their "mixed-race” family. Can they just adopt Brooklyn already and get it over with?

A new video game called "The Shivah" stars a rabbi having to solve a murder mystery. The game is getting good reviews, though several people have complained the game does not work on Saturdays.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Airport security refused to let Troy Smith's Heisman Trophy onto a plane. The trophy then faked out security and ran 42 yards to its gate.

Strip clubs have started selling gift cards. So, this holiday season, give dad something mom can’t; an erection.

President Bush says he won't announce a new Iraq strategy until early next year. Great. We all know what this means:
he's banking on Santa to bring him a feasable plan.

Sen. John Kerry will travel to Iraq this weekend to meet with troops. This should go over like Michael Richards playing the Apollo.

Today, the Food and Drug Administration opened hearings on whether antidepressants can prompt adults to commit suicide. Then tomorrow, they'll open hearings on whether the music of Coldplay can prompt adults to commit suicide.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Yesterday, Nicole Richie was arrested for driving under the influence. Nicole did not help matters when she threw her lunch up in the breathalyzer.

Nicole was not cuffed, because really, what’s the point?

A new report shows America intelligence agencies were bugging Princess Diana's telephone at the time of her death. In other news, the US has changed its country’s motto from “In God We Trust” to “Inquiring Minds Want To Know.”

Al Gore is waging a campaign for an Oscar for his global warming documentary. In a rare move, the Oscar committee has already begun playing the musical cue to get Gore off the stage.

The world’s oldest woman died Monday at the age of 116.
Sadly, her last words- “I’ll have the Chalupa Supreme.”

Iran is in the midst of a two-day conference centered around theories denying the Holocaust. Also, please keep your calendars clear for my upcoming conference where I put forth my theories that suggest I never did enough coke once that I shit myself.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Mel Gibson's epic "Apocalypto" debuted as the No. 1 movie in the box office this weekend, proving once and for all that Hollywood is indeed run by the Mayans.

In Arizona, a burger joint called “The Heart Attack Grill” has opened with a controversial hospital theme. More disturbing to critics than the name and the waitresses naughty nurse uniforms is the guy in the next booth using his fry holder as a bed pan.

In a surprise visit to troops in Iraq, outgoing Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told them they must stay until the enemy is defeated. The troops responded by asking, “Does your resignation count?”

Today, Iran kicked off its two-day Holocaust conference. There hasn’t been this much denying in Iran since UN inspectors were there.

Iran claims its Holocaust conference is not being held to challenge the occurrence of the Holocaust, insisting it’s just an event where anti-Semites can come and be anti-Semites.

Friday, December 8, 2006

Jessica Simpson's mother gave her daughter a verbal smackdown after her embarrassing rendition of "9 to 5". Jessica defended herself by saying she simply is not good at performing songs about math.

Deputies in Florida are standing along roadsides posing as elves to clocks cars using a radar gun. Upon being pulled over, the first question the drivers are asked is, “Do you know how naughty you were being?”

Pop singer Mariah Carey is trying to block porn star Mary Carey from trademarking her similar-sounding name. Mariah is worried this could lead to confusion over which one is the porn star and which one just dresses like one.

Rosie O’Donnel is denying rumors she is leaving the view.
So stop it Star Jones!

According to a medical study, men's penises in India do not match international sizes. Well, at least we know they won’t be stealing our women.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

A lawsuit has been filed on behalf of three Hollywood chimpanzees who were punched and beaten to make them perform. Lawyers for the chimps said they came forward when they finally got sick and tired of being treated like child actors.

The first chewable birth-control method has hit pharmacy shelves. It comes in the flavors of spearmint, cinnamon and abortionberry.

Vice President Dick Cheney lesbian daughter is having a baby.
Man. Even Cheney’s gay daughter is against pulling out.

A new study shows that cats can develop a feline form of Alzheimer's disease.
So, when they’re digging through the litter box, they’re looking for the keys they misplaced?

A New Jersey mother is organizing a drive to send cans of Silly String to Iraq because troops use the stuff to detect trip wires around bombs.
In a move to one up the woman, President Bush is sending three tons of silly putty to Iraq because when you can stick it on the funny pages, the images come off the putty.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

The much-awaited bi-partisan report on Iraq said President Bush's policy in Iraq "is not working." Bush says he’s open to all options, from burning the report to shredding it.

New York is to become the first city in the country to ban all restaurants from using artificial trans fats. Lonely, bottom feeding single males are vigorously protesting the plan, fearing the ban could diminish the city’s supply of desperate fat chicks.

Scientists say they have photographic evidence that suggests that water exists on Mars. The water has already been bottled and is selling at chic cafes for eight dollars a bottle.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has been accused of undermining Iran's Islamic revolution after television footage showed him watching female dancers. To make matters worse, yesterday, instead of praying toward Mecca, Ahmadinejad was spotted praying toward Hooters.

CNN correspondent John Roberts showed up on the air with a fresh black eye. Unfortunately, no CNN make-up artists were available to smooth over the shiner, as they were too busy trying to bring some life into Larry King’s face.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Laura Bennett, a finalist on the third season of Project Runway, has welcomed her sixth child into the world. The child arrived in an understated coat of afterbirth and was immediately adorned with a sensible apricot blanket featuring a soft, chenille weave.

Some good news for Pfizer shareholders. Earlier today, Pfizer announced the development a new drug that calms the nerves of people who own Pfizer stock.

Russian reformist Yegor Gaidar has been released from hospital after ingesting an unknown toxic substance. Authorities suspect he was either another victim of a covert Kremlin plot to extinguish its enemies, or he just had a bad Gordito.

Minnesota has been named the healthiest state for the fourth consecutive year. The unhealthiest state is Louisiana, who once again is promising to join a gym in the New Year and lay off the deep-fried Cajun Turkey.

President George W. Bush admitted he rarely talks policy with his father. Sadly, W. confessed his father isn’t very nurturing at all and never even sat down him down to explain where terrorists came from.

Monday, December 4, 2006

Paris Hilton canceled an appearance at next week's Billboard Music Awards because she didn’t like the jokes written for her making fun of her piers. Paris will be replaced by a series of jokes making fun of Paris Hilton.

At least 11 people who ate at a Taco Bell in New Jersey are suffering from E. coli bacterial infections, thus making the E. colinchilada a complete failure.

Airport officials are considering setting aside a private area for Muslims to pray. The area will be called a holding cell.

A new collection of children’s books will be inspired by and bear Muhammad Ali’s name. The first in the series, See Dick’s Face Get Beaten to A Pulp, should be out in time for Christmas.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez stormed to a re-election victory. This is the guy who’s fond of calling Bush the devil. In other words, he won running on the Democratic platform.

Friday, December 1, 2006

During his fencing-mending visit to Turkey, Pope Benedict prayed toward Mecca for the first time. It was also the first time the Pope ever prayed with the eyes on the back of his head open.

Lindsay Lohan's mother told E news that Lindsay has been attending AA meetings. This makes perfect sense, as we all know the first step in recovery is guzzling down Dom all night at the Spider Club.

Some good news for Britney Spears; her panties have been found. The bad news; they were found on EBay being auctioned off by Kevin Federline.

A tipsy Danny Devito showed up at on the View after an all-night bender with fellow actor George Clooney. During the segment, all the View girls wanted to know from Danny is, does Clooney get even hotter with beer googles?

After his drunken appearance on the view, Devito’s publicist stated the actor does not have a drinking problem, though he conceded Danny should never drink from “big boy” cups again.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

One in five American parents believe their kids are spending too much time on the Internet when they could be outside enjoying Britney Spears’ vagina live.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Mel Gibson said he felt badly for Michael Richards and is even considering giving him a role in his next film, “Career Apocalypto”.

Africa, a continent usually synonymous with hunger, is falling prey to obesity. Apparently, controlling the AIDS epidemic with edible condoms is not without its side effects

In Florida, Sheriff's deputies pulled a naked man from the jaws of a 12-foot long alligator. It’s not entirely clear what the man was doing naked with the alligator, though witnesses do recall hearing the man plead for “a little less teeth, please”.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a twelve-page letter to U.S public. So, we’re worried about Iran developing the technology for nuclear bombs when they don’t even have email?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

US military defense scientists have found a way to train honeybees to smell explosives used in bombs. Unfortunately, they're not having much luck deprogramming honeybees’ propensity for profiling bears.

Wearing Superman pajamas, comic book illustrator Dave Cockrum has died. Cause of death: kryptonite slippers.

The lead singer of the popular children's group “The Wiggles” is leaving to due to serious illness. The news sent shockwaves through the infant community. Other things sending shockwaves through the infant community: Butterflies, car keys, and the “Gotch Your Nose” game.

Snoop Dogg was arrested Tuesday after performing on "The Tonight Show". Yet Jay Leno still walks the streets a free man.

Homeowners are up in arms over instructive videos on YouTube that show how to break into someone’s home. The video directions have led a flurry of break-ins where amateur burglars are discovered in homes doing a YouTube search for “What Now?”.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Despite increasingly bloody sectarian conflict, President Bush still insists that Iraq is not sliding into a civil war. Then again, Bush also refers to the genocide in Darfur as “boys being boys”.

A new book claims that women talk almost three times as much as men. The book - written by a female psychiatrist - says that inherent differences between the male and female brain explain why blah-biddy, blah, blah, yack, yack.

Sen. John Kerry finished dead last in a likeability poll of the top American political figures. He didn’t help his cause when he demanded the poll be recounted in Ohio.

After only four months, the marriage of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock has ended. Trailer parks across the country flew their flags at half mass.

Black leaders challenged the entertainment industry to stop using the “N” word. In response, rappers everywhere scurried to find another word that rhymes with "trigger".

Monday, November 27, 2006

Yoko Ono took out a full page in the Sunday New York Times pleading for forgiveness to the world's suffering people, AKA- anyone who owns a Yoko Ono album.

This year, the Rolling Stone’s “Bigger Bang” tour became the highest grossing tour ever. The lowest grossing tour ever: K-Fed’s: "Pop My Back Pimple” Tour.

Child development experts now saying 10 is the new 15, making zygote the new embryo, and foreplay the new sex.

So far, over 50,000 have utilized Times Square’s new 20-stall public restroom facility, making it the 17th most popular place in Times Square to drop your pants.

Campaigning for reelection, Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez fired up supporters, telling them, "We are confronting the devil, and we will hit a home run off the devil next Sunday," Coincidently, those same words can be heard in the Red Sox clubhouse before every Yankees game.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Michael Richards is doing his best to show he's contrite. Today, he apologized to Black Friday.

Actress Tawny Kitaen, best known for her work heavy metal videos, has been charged with possessing 15 grams of cocaine. If found guilty, she could face up to three years not living in 1987.

A Japanese company is renting out its robots to work as temps. The company boasts that their robot temps can ignore a ringing phone while working on their screenplays just as good as the real thing.

In a new survey, one in five people said they would consider having cosmetic surgery, or as the folks in Hollywood call it, keeping up with Rivers'.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie celebrated this year's Thanksgiving day in Vietnam. Then this morning, the A-list couple hit the orphanages early hoping to take advantage of those huge Black Friday savings.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Things couldn’t get worse for Seinfeld’s Michael Richards.
Today, O.J gave thanks that at least he’s not Kramer.

Vice President Dick Cheney's office denied reports he was in Iraq for an unannounced Thanksgiving Day visit with troops. He’s actually there to visit the hard working folks of Haliburton.

In an unusual turn of events today, a turkey pardoned President Bush.

Britney Spears is selling the house she and Kevin Federline shared and is looking to buy a new $29 million home. Meanwhile, K-Fed just moved into the backset of a ‘86 Honda Civic.

A Buddhist monk cut off his penis with a machete because he had an erection during meditation. See, that’s why I could never be a Buddhist monk. I would have just masturbated.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Rosie O'Donnell blasted Kelly Rippa for her supposed “homophobic” remark about not knowing where Clay Aiken’s hands have been. So far, Kelly has ignored Rosie’s comments, too fearful of where her mouth has been.

In Atlanta, a 92 year old woman was killed in a shootout with police. And she was just one letter away from BINGO.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are experiencing some rainy weather on their honeymoon in the Maldives. The rain is coming down so hard, you can barely distinguish it from Katie’s tears.

Denzel Washington’s new movie Deju Vu opens this weekend. Michael Richards has already given it two forks up the ass.

A remake of the "Revenge of the Nerds" has been shut down because it was too raunchy for the university hosting the production. Am I crazy, or does this shut down have Alpha Beta written all over it?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The plug has been pulled on OJ Simpson’s “If I did it” book and TV interview. Immediately after the news broke, the streets of LA were overcome with hypothetical riots.

Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame shocked a comedy club crowd when he spewed a barrage of racial slurs at a group of hecklers, thus answering the age-old question: why weren’t there any black people on Seinfeld?

A new study suggests that global warming is killing off certain species. Mostly republicans.

Two peace activists have planned an anti-war demonstration where everyone in the world would orgasm at the same time for world peace. Of course, that peace would quickly end when half the population attempts to roll over and go to sleep without snuggling.

Mattel is recalling 4 million Polly Pocket magnetic play sets after several children swallowed the toys' tiny magnets. The problem was bought to Mattel's attention when parents began discovering their toddlers stuck to the refrigerator.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A global competition to name the new seven wonders of the world is attracting widespread interest. In the lead so far are the Eiffel Tower, the Tag Mahal, and the balls on O.J. Simpson.

A meteorologist was fired when a nude photo of him was posted on MySpace. In the meteorologist’s defense, his nipples were covered by little smiling sun decals.

Sen. John Kerry said his now infamous botched joke would not keep him from running for president in 2008. The joke, however, has caused him to withdraw from the race for US Troops Entertainer of the Year, 2006.

The new James Bond film, Casino Royale, was beat out at the box office this weekend by Happy Feet. In other news, the next James Bond will be played by an adorable tap dancing penguin.

A new government-commissioned study shows that about 1 percent of Web sites are porn. This marks the first government study ever conducted using only one hand.