Monday, October 27, 2008

In an effort to cut costs, ABC has sent around a "new wardrobe guidelines" memo to certain shows outlining the "maximum allowable spend" for clothes for each character- to which the Republican Party asked, “You can do that?”

Survivor host Jeff Probst has created a new reality show called "Live Like You're Dying," which takes people who don't have much time left on the adventure of a lifetime. The idea seems to be a real hit with the show’s first subject, John McCain.

Because of the ailing economy, airlines are announcing that they will have nearly 3 million less flights this year during the Thanksgiving holiday. The news is just sinking in for the millions of Turkeys who were hoping to get the heck out of Dodge for the holiday.

A 33 year-old woman, who was accused of stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. Or, as she put it, “Defense! Insanity! Defense, insanity…Whooo!!!”

A man in South Carolina was arrested this weekend after he left his 10 month old daughter in a car while he went into a strip club where his wife was performing and got a lap dance. Ahh...what couples will do to keep things fresh after having a kid.

In an attempt to broaden its appeal the white-power movement in America is marketing itself to middle America by creating social networking sites and podcasts. Well, it’s about time segregationists joined the 21st century!

A school in New York City is offering a class called "The Art of Charm," which is 3500 dollar, one-week, live-program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. I’d say giving them $3500 for a bogus class is a good start.

Geologists say they have discovered more than 1000 prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a site near the Arizona-Utah border that they are calling it a "dinosaur dance floor." Also discovered by this "dinosaur dance floor": the bones of the infamous “D.J. Rex”.

Two Dutch teenagers have been convicted of theft and sentenced to community service for stealing "virtual" items in an online adventure game, thus setting the precedent that could lead to someday all of us being brought up on charges of involuntary ghost slaughter.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

In an interview with the Associated Press, Levi Johnston, the fiancĂ© of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter Bristol, said that they "were planning on getting married a long time ago”. Just not to each other.

At the Philadelphia Flyers' home opener against the New York Rangers, Sarah Palin was booed as she dropped the ceremonial first puck in front of a crowd of 19,000 hockey fans who obviously hate their moms.

At a campaign rally this weekend, John McCain said that even though they are trailing Barack Obama in the polls, "we've got them just where we want them." Unfortunately, he’s been saying the same thing about Iraqi insurgents for the past five years.

PepsiCo has announced that it is cutting over 3330 jobs to give it some "breathing room" during these bad economic times. Luckily, the 3330 employees being laid off are the ones whose job is to shake the Pepsi bottles before they reach the shelf.

Six schools in Utah have introduced a Web site that allows students to anonymously report bullies, while six bullies in Utah have introduced a website that allows students to anonymously report Gaylords.

Sex offenders in Maryland have begun receiving signs in the mail that read, “No candy at this residence,” which they must post on their front doors on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. But no one told them they have to put any signs on their vans...

Ringo Starr has told fans to stop sending letters and requests for autographs, saying such mail will be thrown away after October 20th because he has too much to do. Don’t worry though- this only effects the least talented members of the Beatles fandom.

The Bush administration is taking steps for mountain bikers to gain easier access to national parks and other public lands before President Bush leaves office. That’s like someone wrecking your life and trying to make up for it with a day-pass to Great Adventure.

It was reported this week that after 8 years of marriage, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. For now, Madonna says she’ll probably just play the field -… mostly third base.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Scientists at Hebrew University in Jerusalem have found a way to enhance the fragrance of some flowers by a factor of 10. Great news for flowers that smell like crap.

Police in Florida are searching for a "bra bandit," who they say stole 160 bras from a Victoria's Secret store. Most likely, just the work of another hard luck case with a couple of boobs at home to support.

On Sunday, Pope Benedict helped launch a week-long Bible-reading marathon on Italian television. The marathon, however, does face some stiff competition from anything else on TV that isn’t a Bible-reading marathon.

A new study shows that high-powered energy drinks, such as Red Bull, have so much caffeine in them that the government should put warning labels on the cans, -warnings such as: “hey dude- you’re about to become 10 times more obnoxious.”

A new clothing boutique in Mexico City has opened that sells bullet-proof clothing- and just in time for “back to drug war season”!

A farmer from Canada has won a contest in California with a pumpkin that weighs more than 1500 pounds. The pumpkin is also expected to be a shoe-in to win next week’s “Most Ominous Jack-O-Lantern” contest.

An investigation by students at the University of Connecticut found that 8500 dead people remained registered to vote in the state, and about 300 of them appeared to have voted since death. So basically, when told to “vote or die”, you can choose both.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Last week's jokes, today!

During an interview with Katie Couric on Tuesday, Sarah Palin said that she considers herself a "feminist", a point supported by the fact that she was first runner up in Alaska’s “Little Miss Feminist” pageant, circa 1982.

A 26 year-old Nebraskan teacher was sentenced to six years in federal prison for fleeing to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him. An unfortunate ending to what the boy described as the ‘best field trip ever’.

Mathematicians at UCLA have discovered a 13 million-digit prime number, a long sought milestone that makes them eligible for a 100,000 dollar prize, which you know they’re just going to go out and blow on chalk.

For the second time this year, a GPS system has been blamed for a car-train collision after a driver followed the device's instructions and turned onto train tracks. As a precaution, drivers with the GPS system are being told to ignore any directions preceded by, "Ever feel like nothing matters anymore?"

Last Sunday the New York Mets lost their final game at Shea Stadium and were once again eliminated from the playoffs. The team looks forward to starting next season in their new stadium that wasn’t built over an ancient Indian burial ground.

A man in Florida saved his dog from a shark by diving in the water and punching the shark in the head until it let his pet go, though as far as the shark's friends know, he bumped into a reef.

Customs officers at the San Paulo, Brazil airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane. Police grew suspicious when the man started to take off before the plane.

Jatropha, a plant indigenous to Haiti that is believed to release the souls of the dead, is being considered an alternative energy source for cars, with some vehicles getting up to 35 ghosts to the gallon.

While appearing on Meet the Press this Sunday, Bill Clinton called John McCain a great man, but failed to say the same thing about Barack Obama. In his defense, the guy is tired of sleeping on the couch.

A 71 year-old man in an Oregon hospital, who was being treated for abdominal pain, was mistakenly told that he was pregnant. Not as bad as when doctors at the same hospital diagnosed a pregnant woman as fat.

The fear of losing while bidding on items online can push people to pay too much for an item, according to a new study conducted by a guy who paid $732 for pair of Chinese handcuffs.

During a Civil War re-enactment in Virginia, a Confederate soldier fired a real shot that hit a Union soldier. Unfortunately, for a while there, everyone just thought the Union soldier was just a really good re-enactor.