Thursday, May 29, 2008

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh have successfully trained a group of monkeys to use their mind to command a robot arm to feed them marshmallows. Through this, researchers hope to create the laziest monkeys ever.

Outgoing Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is writing a book. The announcement came after Craig exited a truck stop restroom and his wife asked what took him so long in there.

New York’s Governor David Paterson has told state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages. So, a 2-hour Sex & the City movie wasn’t enough?

Sen. Barack Obama is considering a trip to Iraq before the November elections. Hillary too, but just for pleasure.

In Tallahassee, a 101-year-old woman got her driving license renewed. Afterwards, the woman complained her new license picture makes her look old.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

On Sunday, John McCain held a barbeque at his Arizona home for the presumptive Republican Vice President nominees and Secretary of Potato Salad hopefuls.

While chatting at least briefly with all of the potential running mates, much of McCain’s time was spent keeping Mitt Romney’s hair away from the open flame.

Sources say guests were treated to overcooked burgers, as a wary McCain refused to pull them off the grill too soon.


Hillary Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico over the weekend. A decisive victory in the Puerto Rico primary would keep alive Clinton’s dream of becoming the next President of East Harlem.

If nothing else, the visit to the island gave Clinton an opportunity to break in her new belly pantsuit.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Barack Obama visited a conservative Synagogue in the center of Florida’s Jewish community yesterday. Obama spent half the time speaking about the security of Israel and the other half explaining why he couldn’t stay longer for coffee and nosh.

Barack asked members of the Synagogue not to judge him because he has a funny name. “I’m not sure that’s possible”, responded the temple’s Rabbi, Moshi Rubenstein.

Barack left Florida with a deep sense of guilt over not campaigning there enough.


Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended tough interrogation techniques approved by the Bush administration, saying they were necessary to protect the U.S. from new attacks. Rice added, “besides, they’re the only way to get Cheney to smile these days.”

A mother was sentenced to 20 years in prison Thursday for keeping her 17-year-old adopted son caged in her home. The teen felt justice had been served, until he learned her cage would have indoor plumbing.

440 children from a polygamist sect's ranch may be headed back home after an appellate court decision upended the custody case that sent more them into foster care. This is exciting news for the sect’s children, who just want to go back to a place where kids can be wives.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison. Out of habit, Pearlman tried to get something closer 18 years.

Sources say Pearlman plans to spend his time in jail forming the ultimate boy-fondler band.


Republican Presidential candidate John McCain is set to release his health records. The McCain camp hopes the records put to rest the damaging rumors that McCain’s been dead for two years.

President Bush announced today that under a new change in policy, the US will allow Americans to send mobile phones to relatives in Cuba. Bush explained that Cubans have just as much a right to vote for the next American Idol as we do.

A mob stormed the homes of elderly people accused of witchcraft in southwestern Kenya, burning 11 of them to death. Tough time to be a witch in Kenya.

Monday, May 19, 2008

A Girl Scout reportedly sold 17,328 boxes of the group's signature cookies this year. This smashes the previous record set by some other little girl with a pushy mother with lots of coworkers.

In other cookie news, an overturned trailer spilled out 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos onto Interstate 80 in Illinois. On the upside, the highway grew from two lanes to four.

Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and Portia de Rossi will wed during a taping of her talk show. Sources say Rosie O’Donnell has agreed to be the best man.

An American soldier used a Quran for target practice in Iraq, prompting an apology from the U.S. military. In the soldier’s defense, the book shot at him first.

A 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin. Even worse, found in the embryonic twin’s stomach was a set of Russian nesting dolls.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Former presidential Democratic candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama earlier today. In other news, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton came out for Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's camp denies she's desperate for good news, but did confirm she has demanded a recount in West Virginia.

The Interior Department declared the polar bear a threatened species Wednesday. John Edwards responded by saying he’s ready to endorse whatever bears are running against them.

Barack Obama also won the endorsement of NARAL Pro-Choice America, a leading abortion rights advocacy organization. The group had supported Hillary Clinton throughout her political career, but let’s face it, this is a group that knows how to sever its ties.

In a television interview, it came out that Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie is expecting twins. Jolie said it doesn't matter whether the twins wind up being fraternal or identical, she’s going to treat them as if they’re her own.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Jenna Bush was married over the weekend at the president's Texas ranch. Sources say it was a lovely ceremony, despite Dick Cheney open firing when the doves were released.

Bush’s polls numbers are so low, Jenna made him walk five feet behind her down the aisle.

The president hasn’t been this emotional since he had to give away Donald Rumsfeld.

Predictions vary on how long it will take for Bush to screw up this union.


Three Texas teens were busted for digging up a corpse and using its head as a bong. Authorities say they probably could have gotten away with it if they hadn’t chose to dig up a corpse from an ancient narc burial ground.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. His family has not yet decided whether Robbins will be laid to rest in a cup or a cone.

A Columbia co-ed figured out that Lindsay Lohan had walked out of a party wearing her $11,000 mink coat when she saw a picture of the star wearing the fur in a recent issue of OK Magazine. Coincidentally, this is the same way the mink found out who was wearing his coat, too.


Despite a loss in North Carolina and an unimpressive win in Indiana, Hillary Clinton has vowed to go " full speed on to the White House”. She’ll be the one careening down the road with the “I Break For Super Delegates” bumper sticker.

Clinton later added, if she had to, she’d be willing to carpool there with Obama.

As if Hillary’s night couldn’t get any worse, Lindsay Lohan walked out of her rally wearing her favorite pantsuit.

Monday, May 5, 2008

At the Kentucky Derby, a filly named Eight Belles had to be euthanized after being edged out in the race of her life against all her male competition. Horse racing fans are calling it a tragedy, Barack Obama is calling it a story of hope.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by just seven votes in Guam's nominating contest on Saturday. Of course, Hillary was outspent in Guam 2 to 1. Literally, Obama spent $2 there, Hillary spent $1.

Barack doesn’t actually gain any delegates from the win in Guam, but will receive a lovely vacation for three days and two nights in the tropical paradise, airfare not included.


Fifteen people were inducted into New Jersey's new Hall of Fame on Sunday. All Fifteen promised to pick their plaque the next time they’re driving through.

Among the inductees were Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, astronaut Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, and thanks to the online voting system, Vito from Vito’s Custom Detailing Shop in Bloomfeild, N.J, just off Route 506.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

A 3-year-old boy took first place in a Minnesota mullet contest. In his acceptance speech, the boy made sure to thank his parents for being dicks.


David Blaine broke the world record holding his breath on The Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, lasting 17 minutes and 4 seconds. Then, later on in the show, Dr. Phil came out and held his bullshit for 2 minutes, a personal best.

On hand in a rare audience appearance was Steadman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend and the previous holder of the record.


Islanders from Lesbos have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name, saying it insults the identity of the people of Lesbos, also known as Lesbians. Wait- The Lesbos vs. The Lesbians? HOT!

Seriously, why can’t this be settled over bowling and shots of Tequila like most lesbian wars?*

(*author knows nothing about how actual lesbian warfare is conducted)