Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Albert Hofmann, the father of the mind-altering drug LSD, has died, or permanently “dropped out”. Thousands will gather to mourn Hofmann and watch his casket melt into the ground.

Federal authorities said the South Carolina teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told them that he wanted to die so he could go to heaven and kill Jesus. While unsuccessful, the teen was honored with “Mass Murder Plan With The Most Plot Holes Award”.

Magician David Blaine will attempt break the world record for breath-holding in front of millions on the Oprah Winfrey show. The stunt will also allow Winfrey to get a rare word in edgewise.


Rev. Jeremiah Wright continues to undermine Barack Obama’s presidential aspirations. Yesterday he gave an interview accusing the U.S. government of canceling "The Bernie Mac Show".

Obama said if he knew belonging to Rev. Wright’s church would haunt him this much, he would’ve joined the Latter Day Saints church, Texas branch, and had some real fun.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year-old Disney star, has apologized to fans for suggestive photos taken for Vanity Fair. The singer only hopes her mistake can serve as a lesson to other teens during their photo shoots with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Miley says she was led to believe the photos would be ‘artistic’, you know, like ‘Hanna Montana lunch box classy’.

The Walt Disney Company, owner of the multibillion dollar “Hannah Montana franchise”, released this statement, "… a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.” adding, “We totally missed the boat on this one.”

Vanity Fair has pointed out that the Cyrus family was present during the shoot, mostly because Billy Ray wanted to show everyone how he could still unsnap a bra with one hand.

Even with the provocative pictures hitting newsstands, Cyrus is still 2 DUIs and 4 public meltdowns short of bringing disgrace to the Disney pop star legacy.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to face off with her in a debate without a moderator, Lincoln-Douglas style. At least the Clinton camp was able to talk her down from her original wish of settling this thing Burr-Hamilton style.

Barack Obama has said that despite numerous requests, he will not engage in any more debates with Hillary Clinton before the May 6 primaries. He said after 21 debates, he’s spent so much time with her that he’s starting to feel entitled to an extramarital blowjob.

Barack Obama said in a Sunday television interview that race would not be a factor in November's presidential election. Would’ve been nice for John McCain to know before he chose his running mate, Wanda Sykes-Hall.


President Bush attended his last correspondents' dinner on Saturday Night. This is the annual dinner where the President gets together with the Press Corps and pretends to understand what everyone’s laughing about.

After watching the president get big laughs from poking fun of his possible successors, Dick Cheney proudly declared, “Bush tortured ‘em”.

Friday, April 25, 2008

President Bush announced the economic-stimulus tax rebates will begin going out Monday. Great. Now Hillary knows I’ve got 600 bucks to burn.

Bush says the rebates should offset high energy and food prices. That’s the President’s way of saying you don’t have to cancel that trip to the Chinese restaurant this summer!

Actor Wesley Snipes admits he's already evaded his check.


The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have agreed to donate memorabilia to the University of California at Santa Cruz. Guess that's one way to get someone to hold your stash.

Tom Cruise is coming back to Oprah for a special two-part show. Cruise promised Oprah no craziness this time- he just wants to chat about the aliens among us that only he can beat up.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

After a yearlong battle, Atlantic City’s city council voted to ban smoking on the floors of its casinos on Wednesday. Finally, Atlantic City is vice free!

The ruling was a huge win for casino workers who want nothing masking the smell of the alcoholic whose been up two days trying to win his mortgage back.

FHM magazine readers voted model-actress Megan Fox the sexiest woman in the world. It should be noted, if you factor in votes from Florida and Michigan, Hillary Clinton becomes the sexiest woman in the world.

The 437 children taken from the polygamist compound in Texas are being scattered to foster homes across the state. Child Protective Services say the children are well behaved and come with their own frontier kid Halloween costume.

Child Protective Services have concerns about the culture shock in store for these children who have never been exposed to television, video games, or sex outside of marriage.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

This week, Laura and Jenna Bush are busy promoting their children’s book about a boy who discovers the excitement of reading. The President has already stated he’s waiting for the cartoon.

In the hours after winning Pennsylvania's Democratic presidential primary, Hillary Clinton raised $3 million, or as Obama calls it, “tip money”.

A new government report has found that the upper Midwest has the worst drunken driving rates in the country. This may explain why people in the upper Midwest are having such a hard time finding their way out of the upper Midwest.


A California investor has plans to develop an amusement park in downtown Baghdad. Planners predict of the 500-acre park will attract Iraqis from all over who are willing to wait in long lines to get blown up.

While the Shiites and Sunnis have not been able to come together at the negotiating table, the Iraqi government has high hopes that things will be different at the negotiating tea cups.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Democratic voters in Pennsylvania came out to vote in the first primary in six weeks. I don’t want to say Hillary was nervous about this one, but she spent the entire afternoon in Amish country doing cider shots.

In an interview with ABC this morning, Hillary warned that, as president, she could "totally obliterate" Iran if it attacked Israel. This answer was surprising, considering the question was, “how ya holding up?”

Hillary acknowledged today that her White House bid rides on the outcome of the Pennsylvania primary. She then caught a glimpse of her shadow and said, “Fuck it- I’m in it for 6 more weeks either way!”

Today, Michael Moore has announced he is backing Barak Obama for President. The endorsement should be a big help to Barack in next week’s Cuban primaries.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The pope wound up his visit by holding a mass at Yankee stadium, which was conveniently rolled into the Yankees annual Staff Day.

Many on hand for the mass said they felt God’s presence there with them, though they knew He’d be gone come postseason.

The Pope’s service didn’t impress everyone, as the news came down halfway through the service that Steinbrenner had traded his Holiness for two Cardinals and one Bishop to be named later.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain spends this week visiting economically struggling areas of the country. First stop: Clinton campaign headquarters.

Barack Obama was greeted by 35,000 people in Philadelphia, the largest crowd of his campaign. Unfortunately, they were all wearing crosses and holding shotguns.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Maryland mother has given birth to a rare set of quadruplets in which three of the four boys are identical. It’s like having one lead baby with his own set of backup criers.

A homeless New York man found two sets of confidential blueprints for the planned Freedom Tower carelessly dumped in a city garbage can. Come on people- there’s a reason we have Freedom Shredders.

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a newspaper report that he had divorced his wife Lyudmila and planned to marry a gymnastics champion. He does, however, wish Lyudmila was at least flexible enough to do the “Upside Down Sickle” once in a while.

A passenger who was praying in the back of the plane before take off was removed after refusing to return to his seat. You’d think he would’ve preferred to save his prayers till 30,000 feet up, where he's more likely to get a signal.

A newly formed NBC Universal production unit is teaming up with an advertising agency to create programs around sponsors' products. So if you liked “Cavemen”, you’ll love NBC’s upcoming “Bears Shitting in the Woods Variety Hour.”

Thursday, April 17, 2008

While in town, Pope Benedict has been meeting privately for talk and prayer sessions with survivors of clergy sexual abuse scandal. Many critics of the church are praising the Pope’s efforts to reach out to the victims, though most agree that dubbing these private meetings the “seven minutes in heaven” tour is a bit inappropriate.

Today, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with all three presidential candidates. Brown remarked he looks forward to working with an allay who doesn’t greet his every visit to the States with, “Whatja bring me?”

Sen. Barack Obama suggested he doesn't see any point in another debate with Hillary Clinton after last night’s debate failed to focus on the real problems facing average voters. Sounds like the words of someone who wants to avoid explaining why he never smells like apple pie…

Edward Lorenz, a meteorologist who became the father of the modern field of chaos theory, died. Doctors say the cause of death was cancer, while others theorize he was blown out of his hospital bed by a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia.

The women's cable channel Lifetime is in talks with Donald Trump to executive produce and narrate a scripted series. It’s been speculated on for years, but it can now be said with some degree of certainty; Lifetime has low self-esteem.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A crowd of more than 9,000 gathered on the South Lawn of the White House to celebrate the birthday of Pope Benedict XVI. The celebration was capped off with Pope Benedict twisting up a balloon cross for President Bush.

An ex-nanny for Rob Lowe publicly accused the actor of sexually abusing her for years. The woman claims she could not bring herself to alert the authorities until now because she “needed the job” and “come on- Rob Lowe is like every sexual abuse victim’s dream.”

A computer programmer popped the question to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite video game so the proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain level. The joyous occasion was short-lived as the woman was shot dead by an alien soldier moments after the proposal.

During a stop at Villanova University, a student asked John McCain to join him to do a shot. Senator McCain declined, at which point Hillary Clinton showed up and did kegs stands with the students until they had to pump her stomach.

Sen. Clinton outlined an aggressive agenda for her first 100 days in the White House. Day one: Show up at White House with furniture and inform the Obama’s you’re moving in.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A blind British runner became only the third person ever to complete seven marathons on seven continents in seven days. The man’s seeing eye dog, released this statement: “F this guy. I want a new assignment.”

Former defense secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld is working on his memoir. Rumsfeld believes he can tell his story in 100 pages, while his publisher is insisting on another 400 pages to do the job right.

A short film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man has been purchased for $1.5 million. The buyer promised the seller the video will be kept from the public’s eye and promised himself that this is positively it for porn for the rest of year.

A new form of cloning has been developed that is easier to carry out than old techniques, raising fears that it may be used to produce "designer" babies, possibly leading to an increase in illegal but highly trendy, designer back alley abortions.

The President greets the Pope in Washington today. To keep Bush from asking too many questions, his aids told him it was crazy hat day and left it at that.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A Red Sox fan attempted to jinx the new Yankee Stadium by burying a Boston team jersey under the new ballpark. Meanwhile across town, someone tried to jinx the new Mets stadium by burying a Mets jersey under it.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor traffic accident late Saturday. There was no drinking, drugs or babies involved, so Spears was let off with only a warning to make it more interesting next time.

Employees of the "Dr. Phil" television show posted bail for one of the Florida teenagers jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen. Let this be a lesson to anyone who beats someone within an inch of their life and wants to take their story to Povich.

After a week of cancellations, American Airlines says that its flight schedules are back to normal this week. Employees and customers of the airline are looking forward to getting back to delays.

An author who wrote several books for the popular Lonely Planet series of guidebooks says he made up large sections. Lonely Planet apologized to anyone who went to Chile expecting to see the world’s largest bowl of Chili.

Friday, April 11, 2008

American Airlines has grounded another 595 flights. Finally, an airline that caters to people with a fear of flying.

A frog has been found in a remote part of Indonesia that has no lungs. The frog was discovered smoking Camel Lights with abandon.

Barack Obama said if elected President, he'd end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays in the military. Good luck getting them to pull out.

A new chip is on the horizon that will let your iPod store 500,000 songs. Imagine having all the songs you love, plus all the ones you hate, on one device.

Rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested in South Florida for striking his wife. Vanilla was charged with simple battery, despite his promise that it was a one hit wonder.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The New York Police Department will soon begin randomly testing its police officers for steroid abuse. Those testing positive will be immediately transferred off the force and onto the Yankees.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the current economic slowdown is nothing like the Great Depression of the 1930s. He then ran headlong into a plexiglass window, bounced off of it and exclaimed to reporters, “See?”

CBS is canceling its new reality show "Secret Talents of the Stars" after only one episode. Now the public will have to settle for only knowing only the overt talents of Mr. Danny Bonaduce.

Microsoft Corp unveiled a web-based service for driving directions that helps its users avoid traffic jams. The service also gives drivers 10 points for every Mac user they hit.

Sean Penn and his wife, Robin Wright Penn, have withdrawn their divorce petition. Robin Wright Penn released a statement saying, “Why should Sean be the only one that has to live with himself”.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Several members of a Florida cheerleading squad have been arrested on charges of beating another teen with the intent to post it on YouTube. To give credit where credit's due, they did serve up the beating with a lot of spirit.

According to a new survey, the Bible is the most popular book in America. The survey was conducted on 2,513 adults trapped in hotel rooms.

The Pentagon has announced it is sending its new hand-held lie detectors to Afghanistan. Pentagon officials hope that sending them out of Washington will get them to stop beeping so loudly.

Tonight, all three Presidential hopefuls are scheduled to make an appearance on American Idol’s highly anticipated special, "Idol Gives Back". This will be followed immediately by the even more highly anticipated special, “Hillary Gives Up”.

A Viking ship made from ice-cream sticks set sail for England from the Netherlands on Tuesday. The ship was last seen entering the mouth of a whale getting checked for a sore throat.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Scientists have discovered that Solobacterium moorei is the bug responsible for bad breath. Unfortunately, no one has the nerve to tell Solobacterium moorei that it is the bug responsible for bad breath.

Hillary Clinton called on President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. Bush replied “only if they don’t let me throw out the first pitch”.

China has condemned protesters in London and France for their attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch, saying “if it was a monk on fire that was passing through your country, you wouldn’t try to put him out, would you? Oh… You would? Really? Hmm. Never mind”.

A new survey from the hotel chain Travelodge found that Britons like a dose of music from the band Coldplay to help them fall asleep. Wow. Using your music as a sleep aid- it’s every band’s rock and roll fantasy.

The parents of an Indian infant girl say she is doing fine despite having two pairs of eyes and lips and two noses. The parents added that they’re much more concerned with her twin brother, Little Timmy Two Sacks.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Police used tear gas early Sunday to disperse a crowd at a large party near the campus of Michigan State University. Pressure’s on, anyone throwing a party near the campus of Michigan State University in the near future.

Sunday, protesters made attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch as it arrived in London. Guess no one told the poor fools that this year’s Olympic torch was lit using the same technology as trick birthday candles.

A new study shows having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women. And if it's taking longer, then someone’s slacking off.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of what a hot a bride Beyonce made, she was proposed to four times during her walk down the isle.

Over the weekend, John McCain called for a campaign that is more like a respectful argument among friends. Someone please remind McCain he’s running for president, not debating who was hotter in their day, Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor.

Friday, April 4, 2008

This week, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a transgender man who is in his six-month of pregnancy. The man disclosed to Winfrey that the baby is going to be a girl, at least at first.

Heathrow Airport heightened its security on Friday. No new terrorists threats; they just heard Naomi Campbell was out on bail.

Astronomers using robotic cameras said they had found the youngest planet yet. Al Gore has already pledged to save it before it hits puberty.

DNA from ancient human feces found in a cave in Oregon provides biological confirmation that people were in North America 14,000 years ago. On a side note, so was corn.

A group of third graders in Georgia planned to attack their teacher with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and then stab her with a broken steak knife. Apparently, the field trip to Abu Ghraib left an impression.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

A new survey has found male fans of classic rock are more likely to vote Republican. It also doesn’t hurt that John McCain ends every speech with "Freebird".

Presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would consider putting Al Gore in a high Cabinet-level position. That position: Secretary of Pissing Off the Clintons.

Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most No.1 singles on the Billboard singles chart. Call me when she can eat her own weight in fried chicken and amphetamines.

The New Kids on the Block, the once wildly popular boy band from the 80s, are reuniting. Be sure to catch them this summer on their “Old Guys Who Didn’t Invest Wisely” tour.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld narrowly escaped injury after the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed, sending his car into a roll over. Seinfeld released the following statement after the crash: “Newman”.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Addressing a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO today, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa. And really, who can forget the time she arrived in Philadelphia under a barrage of Clubber Lang uppercuts.

After being for Hillary, and then for Obama, 50 Cent now says he is not sure which presidential candidate he is for. Either way, it probably won’t be the old white guy who can’t throw his hands in the air.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using his image on billboards and the Internet without his consent. It’s basically Woody’s way of saying, please bring back the ads with hot young girls posing provocatively.

The British airline “Flybe” has hired temps to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to meet a target for passenger numbers. This might explain why their flights have been arriving 20 minutes late and losing everyone’s messages.

A woman has been arrested for stalking actor John Cusack outside his Malibu home. Guess it’s only charming when he shows up outside someone’s window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel.