Sunday, September 30, 2007

Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call from his wife, which he stopped his speech to answer. Rudy Giuliani: tough stance on gun control, kind of soft on wife control.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice upset many when she compared slain terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to Civil War General Robert E. Lee. She then upset even more people when she compared fugitive terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden to the Road Runner.

According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket come back to Earth stronger and deadlier. Kind of like Astronauts.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday on misdemeanor drunken driving charges. Of course, he could have just been really tired.

Police in Staten Island are searching for a "Ninja Burglar," who robs homes wearing a black ski mask and by entering through skylights and open windows. Police are on the lookout for someone who didn’t feel they were living up to their full potential as a “ninja accountant.”

Contributors to Hillary Clinton's campaign can now win a chance to watch the presidential debates with her husband, Bill Clinton, or at least they’ll have it on in the background.

Cameron Diaz was a special guest editor for October's National Geographic Kids, which was the magazine's first "Green Issue." The special issue hopes to teach kids that it’s once again fun to masturbate to National Geographic.

According to the new edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, about 16,000 words have lost their hyphens. Another 12,000 words are choosing to keep their hyphens intact until they’re ready to compound.

Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. Marceau is said to have died of imaginary causes.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Today I give you, ‘Jokes That Haven't Mattered For Well Over A Week!’

It was reported that Led Zeppelin will reunite in November for a one-time comeback concert in memory of Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records. Sources say the band will not be playing their signature song “Stairway to Heaven”, because, just too many stairs.

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, testified before Congress Monday and said that the troop "surge" in Iraq is improving the security situation in the country. Then someone dropped a pen and Petraeus dove under a desk.

The Walt Disney company said this week that it will not drop actress Vanessa Hudgens from the next "High School Musical" movie after she apologized to fans, saying that the 18 year-old has learned a valuable lesson. They have, however, let Donald Duck go after it was revealed he hasn’t worn pants in 75 years.

Democrats this past weekend held their first-ever Spanish language debate. The debate grew extremely heated when Hillary Clinton claimed that “Julio was going to the store”, prompting a defiant Barack Obama to point out that “ Marta likes to play records at the party”.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Sources say Hudson will be playing the role of the black person in Manhattan.

Ochi Yosuke, a Japanese man won the Air Guitar World Championship for the second consecutive year. Two years in a row? Sounds like this Yosuke fellow just may have future in no business.

The Russian military has successfully tested what it described as the world's most powerful non-nuclear air-delivered bomb. And just in time for World War I.

Google has stated on its blog that the company will pay up to $30 million in prize money to anyone able to land a privately funded spacecraft on the moon, because "it's cool". Did you mean “arrogant”?

A gifted parrot that could count to six, identify colors and even express frustration died this week after 30 years of helping researchers better understand the avian brain. The parrot’s last words: “Polly wants an open casket.”

A judge in California has ruled that a carpenter caught working in the nude was not guilty of indecent exposure because he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification. Still, big loss for the apprentice who has to hold his ladder steady.

Kid Rock was cited for misdemeanor battery at Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards following a physical altercation between him and Tommy Lee. I’d say they were fighting over Pamela Anderson’s honor, but that battle was lost a long time ago.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the use of lead paint on toys exported to the United States. This is the likely nail in the coffin for Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants.”

A woman in Oregon was arrested and charged with arson and burglary after police say she set fire to the home of a neighbor she thought had stolen her keys, even though she later found her keys handing from her pants pocket. I know how she feels; I do that all the time- again, my apologies to the Brisbane family.

Leaders of the nonprofit “One Laptop Per Child” acknowledged that the devices would cost $188 if mass production were to start now, not the $100 originally promised. Sadly, the new price means many children in poorer nations will have to settle for playing “minesweeper” the old fashioned way.

After 50 Cent famously announced that he would retire from rap if Kanye West’s new album outsold his in first-week sales, early reports show West is indeed outselling 50. Good news for West, bad news for the first guy who asks 50 to “upsize” his number three.

Former head of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by claiming that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil. A spokesman for the White House responded by saying, “Sure, at first it was all about the oil, but then we got to know the country and fell in love with it for its hopelessness.

A 23 year-old woman who boarded a Southwest Airlines plane in a shirt skirt for a flight to Arizona says she was led off the plane for wearing an outfit that was considered too skimpy. First, they don’t let us bring out bottled water onboard, now our hookers.

Louisiana's state agriculture commissioner said that Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area. The arrival of “Killer Bees” offers some much needed relief to New Orleans residents tired of worrying about drowning and getting shot.

Archaeologists on Monday exhumed the body of a Viking queen, hoping to solve the riddle about whether a woman buried with her 1200 years ago was a servant killed to be a companion into the afterlife, or someone who’s hair just got caught in the queen’s horns.

While Starbucks officials say they don't market their products to children and teenagers, they acknowledge that the under-18 set has become part of their customer base and are considering adding new drinks and drink sizes for kids. The new sizes include: “tiny”, “small”, and “have fun scraping your 7 year old off the ceiling.”

During the MTV Video Music Awards actor Shia LaBeouf revealed that the fourth Indiana Jones movie will be called "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." He then riveted the crowd even more by finally announcing his new pet turtle’s name will be “Sam”.

A city councilwoman is proposing a moratorium on fast-food restaurants in south Los Angeles, which has more such eateries than any other part of the country. Sounds like someone’s a little bitter “The King” never called.

The Mars Rover Opportunity will begin a risky drive Tuesday into a massive crater on Mars. Better leave early Mars Rover; by 7:00 am the crater traffic is practically backed up to Jupiter.

In the latest sign of corruption problems for Republicans, a corporate executive testified Friday that his employees worked for months to remodel the Alaska home of Sen. Ted Stevens. Man, that must be one sweet igloo.

A UPS manager and two employees were busted in the Bronx yesterday for allegedly using the brown trucks to deliver marijuana instead of packages. Their biggest mistep: wrapping all their deliveries in EZ Wider.

The Arctic's Northwest Passage has opened up fully because of melting sea ice. The new passage means there’s now an easier route for countries to reach the oil and gas rich Artic, and puts to rest any doubt that our grandchildren will be living on moon colonies.

During a recent trip to Israel, Ashton Kutcher told a group of Israeli businessmen and entertainers that Kabbalah had made him a better actor. Sounds like someone has discovered the true meaning of fake Judaism.

Madonna toasted the Jewish New Year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism." Don’t laugh; she could be an asset under the negotiating table.

It was announced Wednesday that for the second time, Daily Show host Jon Stewart will host this year's Academy Awards. Republicans have tapped Dennis Miller to offer the rebuttal.

Venezuelan officials claimed a world record Saturday for the world's largest pot of soup, 3,963 gallons of "sancocho" stew capable of feeding 60,000 to 70,000 hungry people...if only that fly hadn’t landed in it.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

In a new audiotape out on this anniversary of 9/11, Osama bin Laden urged sympathizers to join the "caravan" of martyrs. In a related story, 50 cent has vowed to retire if Osama’s new release is more successful than his own.

The audiotape comes days after Osama’s first video tape appearance in nearly three years. The video begins with Osama telling Americans to embrace Islam to avert war and ends with four awkward minutes of Sara Silverman tearing him a new one.

Brittney Spears continues to be universally panned for her sluggish performance at the MTV Music Awards. Sources say Britney is so distraught over the criticism, she’s considering going back to being a stay-out-late mom.

New York City’s A-train turns 75 today. The MTA celebrated the train’s birthday by making everyone late for work.

New reports hint at more raunchy pictures to come showing the High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens kissing another female. Hudgens publicist insists it’s all part a nationwide push to get straight males students to enroll in drama.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the View yesterday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dog fighting case. Tune in tomorrow, when Whoopie lays out her case to the girls on how Hilter’s heart was in the right place.

In Russia, the mayor of a Siberian town has ordered his bureaucrats to stop using the phrases "I don't know". The mayor hopes the new policy will encourage his administration to become more efficient liars.

The world's leading toymaker, Mattel Inc, announced a third recall of Chinese-made toys with "impermissible" levels of lead. Not surprisingly, the recall was mostly of units of Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants”.

A man residing in Riviera beach, who fathered eleven children himself, reportedly has 100 grandchildren. In this family, there’s probably something wrong with you if you haven’t slept a first cousin.

Sen. Larry Craig is said to be reconsidering giving up his Senate seat after his arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. Craig clearly refuses to go down easy, unless your anonymous foot bumps his in a seedy men’s room and you’re not a cop.