Friday, March 30, 2007

The creator of the "Girls Gone Wild" video series is planning on opening up a chain of restaurants under the same name. It promises to be the perfect restaurant for anyone who’s ever wished their Applebee’s waitress was drunk, underage and wearing a wet t-shirt.

After eight seasons, Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd" is ending.
I wish I could believe this. I really do.

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry told an interviewer that after her divorce she tried to take her own life. And after that failed, she made “Catwoman” in an attempt to take her own career.

Pop star Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their divorce. Federline will walk away with 1 million dollars and Britney will retain full ownership of the voices in her head.

Today, President Bush apologized for the shoddy conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and promised the problems will be fixed in time for the war with Iran.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

American Idol fans were baffled after another round of voting left the clearly less talented Sanjaya Malakar still standing. And this is shocking to a country that put George W. Bush in the White House why?

15 new first-class stamps featuring Star Wars characters were issued yesterday, finally giving Stars Wars fanatics what they’ve always wanted: the chance to lick Princess Leia.

A new marine policy bans any extra-large tattoos because they say it’s harmful to the Corps’ image. That’s right, there’s nothing more gauche than breaking the neck of an enemy with your old lady’s name inked on your forearm.

In election news, the Rev. Jesse Jackson has announced he will cast his vote for Barack Obama, the National Organization for Women has thrown its support behind Hillary Clinton, and the family of Dennis Kucinich finally came out for John Edwards.

At the Annual Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, White House advisor Karl Rove took the stage and performed a rap. This was followed by Lil’ Jon taking the stage and having eight US attorneys fired.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Oprah Winfrey announced her next book club selection is Cormac McCarthy's "The Road", a dark tale of a post-apocalyptic father-son journey. When hearing this, Oprah’s fans asked, “ um…can we get back to books about the universe giving us shiny things when we wish for them?”

The world's tallest man married a woman from his hometown nearly half his age and more than two feet shorter. He gains a wife; the Guinness Book of World Records gains a new “world’s most awkward couple”.

Burger King has stated that it will no longer buy eggs and pork from suppliers that confine their animals in cages and crates. Not to be outdone, McDonald’s has announced that all its eggs and pork will now come from food summer camp!

Two of Anna Nicole Smith's diaries have been sold for more than $500,000. It’s being said the diaries may hold the answer to the burning question that has vexed Smith's fans for years; did she have any coherent thoughts?

A pro-cannabis advocacy group says marijuana is not kosher for Passover, and advises Jews who observe the holiday to take a break from smoking weed. Of course, even if pot was kosher, good luck trying to satisfy your munchies with Matzah and gefilte fish.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Rapper Eminem and his ex-wife Kim have reached a court agreement to stop insulting each other in public. After the agreement was reached, the two remarried so they can insult each other in private.

The MySpace page of presidential candidate Senator John McCain was hacked today. When informed, McCain promptly demanded to know what MySpace is.

Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million. The crash marked Griffen’s first million dollar plus wreck that didn’t co-star Rob Schneider.

A male panda at a northern Thailand Zoo was exposed to images of panda porn to encourage him to mate with his partner. The plan seems to have worked, though the panda will now only initiate intercourse while pretending to be a bamboo delivery guy.

Jessica Simpson showed up in a Mexican border city to donate a new minivan to an orphanage. Angelina Jolie showed up minutes later, filled up the minivan, and drove off into the sunset with nine new children.

Monday, March 26, 2007

In a 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric, presidential candidate John Edwards told voters they shouldn't support him out of sympathy. Katie then reminded viewers that it’s totally cool with her if they watch the CBS Evening News out of sympathy.

Using human organs and cells, scientists have created the world's first human-sheep. Over the weekend, the sheep hung out at Starbucks and discussed American Idol with friends.

Authorities released the results of Anna Nichole’s Smith autopsy. Who knew she enjoyed cat food so much?

Sir Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday at Madison Square Garden with a special appearance from Bill Clinton. Hillary did not make the show, though her presence was still felt during Elton’s performance of, “The Bitch is Back”.

A new study says doctors who listen to different heart sounds on an iPod can improve their ability to detect a problem. The study also showed that doctors who listen to different Heart songs on their iPods improve their ability to go craaaazy on you.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Miss USA pageant takes place tonight. For those not familiar with this pageant, think “Girls Gone Wild” in sashes.

A Japanese real estate mogul is handing over eight mansions to homeless families. Wow. Imagine going from being homeless to living in a 24-room mansion without electricity.

A new report shows that college students are facing higher prices for birth control, prompting concerns that more girls entering college will put on that dreaded “freshman 7 pound, 5 ounces”.

Three New Jersey shoplifters made off with nearly $12,000 in women's underwear from a Victoria's Secret store. Even more stunning was the employees’ belief that the thieves would call them sometime.

Rudy Giuliani's wife made a shocking revelation that he’s not her second husband, but her third. Rudy then made the shocking revelation to his wife that he’s running for president, and now might not be the best time for shocking revelations.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

After having sexual contact with a dead dear, a 20-year old Wisconsin man has received probation and the distinguished honor of being the only man alive that pedophiles can look down on.

Al Gore went in front of Congress yesterday to insist that the ‘planet has a fever’, or, as Republicans prefer to call it, a ‘pain in the ass.’

A senator’s proposal to honor Justin Timberlake in his home state of Tennessee has been rebuffed by fellow politicians. Poor Justin. If only he were popping ludes by the fistful and tagging 14 year-olds.

Wal-Mart has announced new initiatives to recognize performance among its employees. Sounds like someone’s getting a free refill on their fountain soda in the employee cafeteria...

Iranian President Ahmadinejad is expected to arrive in NYC late Friday. In exchange, New York is sending Iran two delusional megalomaniacs to be named later.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A new dating site called makes prospective members submit pictures to qualify for membership- perfect for those hopeless romantics who don’t want to wait until the first date to feel the sting of rejection.

Britney Spears has been released from rehab. Spears said her stay in rehab allowed her to reflect on what’s really important to her in life, whatshisname and whoseherface.

Lisa Nowak, the former astronaut fired by NASA after trying to kidnap a romantic rival has a new job developing flight lesson plans for the Navy. So far, every lesson plan involves flying into the living room of that cheap hussie he left you for.

It’s been announced that Paul McCartney is the first artist signed to Starbucks’ new record label. Dunkin’ Donuts is still in talks with Ringo.

In a recent speech, John McCain warned against the spread of socialism. Then he announced his candidacy for the 1954 presidential election.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Saddam Hussein's former Vice President was hanged for crimes against humanity earlier today. You know you’re irreverent in Iraqi politics when your hanging doesn’t even make YouTube.

After Dark Films is pulling advertisements for its movie "Captivity" featuring images of the abduction, torture and death of a young woman. Unfortunately, the studio is replacing its controversial movie ads with something even more offensive; ads for the movie “Norbit”.

By midseason, the San Francisco Giants' AT&T Park will be the first Major League park to use solar power. Upon hearing this, Barry Bonds asked how he can get some for himself and where does it gets injected.

A new study shows that cosmetic procedures are on the rise. Then you look at Rosie O’Donnell, and you think, not nearly enough.

Today was the unveiling of the Grand Canyon Skywalk, a walkway that lets visitors look straight down to the canyon floor. Next week, the Skywalk will open to the public, and for $80 you can see how many overweight tourists it'll take to break a glass floor suspended over a 4000 foot ditch.

Monday, March 19, 2007

In hopes of reaching out to prospective voters, a number of presidential candidates have created their own MySpace page. And no, adding Barack Obama does not mean you now have a black friend.

For the first time in two decades, Jeopardy ended in a three-way tie. It was the first Jeopardy to end in any type of three-way since Trebek shaved the 'stach'.

Google has announced it’s developing its own mobile phone. Leave it to Google to streamline stalking and harassing your ex.

YouTube has announced that it will hold the first Video Awards to recognize the best-user created videos of 2006. Critics say the category for “Guy with a camera and too much time on his hands” is to close to call.

A new report says that about one-third of the people living in the nation’s capital are functionally illiterate. Someone put on a sock puppet and relay this to the President, please.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The northeast is getting blasted with one more winter storm, with meteorologists predicting up to five feet of JetBlue customers sleeping at their gates.

Time magazine hits newsstands today with a new look. Hoping to attract the Web generation, each Time magazine cover will now feature a different influential world figure, pantyless.

A Wikipedia entry falsely claimed that Sinbad was dead. Chalk another one up to that rascally Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Production has begun on a fairy tale featuring Walt Disney Studio's first black princess. The “Michael Jackson Story” should hit theaters summer ‘08.

In an interview with 60 Minutes, Simon Cowell says he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen, though admittedly, he knows when he hears “boo”, they’re not saying “Simon”.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to the planning the September 11th attacks. Pentagon officials say Mohammed also confessed to plans on attacking the Sears Tower and the Empire State Building, assassinating Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and the Pope, and, if there was any time left, letting all the air out of Ashton Kutcher’s tires.

A new study shows that some birds use another bird as a “wingman” to score a mate. The primary aim of a wing-bird is to make their alpha friend appear attractive, virile and to keep him from flying home with the bloated pigeon after a night of striking out with the hot little finch.

A new report shows substance abuse on is on the rise on college campuses. Even more reason for kids to stay in school.

In Nebraska, two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside, hospitalizing them all. Many pointed out the victims were left defenseless thanks to Nebraska’s strict water spritzer control laws.

A new study suggests that sleep deprivation may lead to clouded moral judgment. I’ll say this; Bush looks good for a guy who hasn’t slept in 7 years.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The banana company Chiquita said it has agreed to a $25 million fine after admitting it paid a Colombian terrorist group for protection. Hmm... do you really need a terrorist group to protect you from hungry monkeys?

President Bush arrived back from Latin America today. He says he was treated with such warm hospitality over there that he wants to give something back... so he’s deporting Alberto Gonzales.

A New York City restaurant is charging $1000 for a pizza. Now, why would New Yorkers pay $1000 for a pizza when they can use that money to pay for 12 hours of parking?

Lindsay Lohan’s father has been released from prison. Michael Lohan told reporters he’s changed his ways and will now remain completely sober while sponging off his daughter.

Game show host Bob Barker has a chance to win his 18th Daytime Emmy…and a brand new car!!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

According to a new poll, President Bush's job approval rating has sunk to below zero. The White House was quick to point out that together, Bush and Cheney’s approval ratings still equal a positive.

Iranians are reportedly furious over the portrayal of the Greco-Persian wars by the blockbuster movie “300”. Also, they felt “Zodiac” was a worthwhile effort, but in the end meandered on with no real payoff.

In New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton described past Republican political malfeasance in the state as evidence of a "vast, right-wing conspiracy." Upon hearing the infamous term, former President Bill Clinton looked down just to make sure he wasn’t getting blown.

Fashion designer Marc Jacobs has entered rehab. Friends suspected Jacobs was relapsing when the only material he would use in his Spring collection was hemp and coca leaves.

A new report shows that exercise boosts brainpower. Excluded from this study: the gorillas at my gym.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Osama bin Laden turned 50 years old over the weekend. Never one to forget, President Bush sent the al Qaeda leader a dozen empty threats.

Arriving in Columbia this weekend, the President was greeted by angry rioters and massive protests. Bush told Columbian leaders that with that kind of treatment, he’s got a good mind to take his county’s cocaine buying habits elsewhere.

Chinese lawmakers want to remove Starbucks from Beijing's famed Forbidden City, saying its presence was a smear on China's historical legacy. Also, they don’t appreciate the adapted size denominations, “Minuscule”, “Small” and “Yao Ming”.

Halliburton is reportedly moving its corporate headquarters from Houston to Dubai. Apparently, there wasn’t enough space in Cheney’s back pocket.

Envoys from Iran and the U.S talked directly for the first time in 28 years. So far, both countries have agreed that the fat kid with the curly hair has a good shot at being the next American Idol. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Former House Speaker, Newt Gingrich has admitted to having an extramarital affair during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Shortly after Gingrich’s confession, former President Bill Clinton admitted to having an affair during Gingrich’s confession.

Eddie Van Halen has entered rehab. Rumor has it that he’s already looking to replace his lead counselor.

In anticipation of his imminent divorce, a German man used a chainsaw to cut his house in half. Sadly, it looks like he and his wife will share joint custody of the family dog.

The producers of "The Sopranos" were denied a permit to film in this North Jersey town because the mayor thinks the show negatively depicts Italian-Americans. Now there’s one New Jersey mayor clearly out of touch with his constituents.

Parents in Raymond County, Indianapolis are in an uproar over two middle school students having sex during shop class. After all, shop class is not for making love- it’s for making bongs.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards has stated he won't be participating in a debate co-hosted by Fox News Channel. And really, who can blame him; Fox was promoting the debate as “Fey and Balanced”.

A number of the new George Washington dollar coins were mistakenly issued without the inscription, "In God We Trust." Officials say they’re are still okay to use, though in the end they’re all going to coin hell.

A man who once weighed well over a half ton left his house for the first time in five years yesterday. The man says he’s learned his lesson, and this time out he’ll be buying a ten-year supply of Twinkies.


Marvel comic book legend Captain America has been shot dead. He is survived by his wife, Big Oil, and his children, Uninsured and Half-retarded.

Lesser-known Marvel comic superhero, Col. Naked America has called dibs on his suit.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against the two doctors responsible seeking the cost of raising her child. The doctors were close reaching a deal with the woman, until they starting adding up what the costs of therapy might be for a “failed abortion”.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was officially fired by NASA today. Though no longer employed with NASA, officials have made it clear there’s no need for Nowak to turn in her diapers.

Rosie O'Donnell says she treats her depression by hanging upside down while swinging side by side for a half an hour a day. The swinging isn’t part of the therapy; that’s just to avoid the stake her View co-hosts are trying to drive through her heart.

Three major companies have requested their ads be pulled from Lucky for Anne, the site will still implicitly advertise attention-seeking jackasses.

A Georgia man won half of the $390 million jackpot, the richest lottery prize in U.S. history. The big winner quit his truck driving job and will start his new position as the guy you suddenly hate, effective immediately .

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Jerry Springer will be the new host of “America’s Got Talent”, marking his first hosting job where the guest’s sole talent is not shouting obscenities at a studio audience while proudly wearing a belly shirt three sizes too small.

Today, a jury found Lewis "Scooter" Libby guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury. The former aid to Dick Cheney could face up to 25 years in prison, where he'll get to go down for a whole new group of powerful men.

Jenna Bush is writing a book about a teen mother in Central America with AIDS. Though the book covers a serious topic, Jenna has assured her father it will be written on a Presidential reading level.

PETA shot off a letter to Al Gore explaining that the best way to fight global warming is to go vegetarian. Al Gore responded by eating three members of PETA.

At an auction of movie memorabilia, the brown hooded cloak worn by Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars" sold for $104,000. The excited auction winner said now all he needs is the light saber, and the fate of his virginity will be safe once again!

Monday, March 5, 2007

Over the weekend, thousands of stargazers watched the first eclipse in over three years; Bill Clinton appeared in public with Hillary.

Conservatives are trying hard to distance themselves from Ann Coulter after she called John Edwards a ‘faggot’. Ted Haggard even went as far to give Edwards a $2000 campaign contribution and his private number.

After going to the hospital for stomach pains, a 420-pound woman was surprised to learn she was in her third trimester of pregnancy. The father was shocked as well, but more so over having had sex with a 420-pound woman.

Police in Texas discovered a video of teenagers forcing a 2-year old and a 5-year old to smoke pot. The confiscated video cuts out right before the stoned toddlers went on a late-night Playdo run.

The authority of proper manners and creator of the annual list of best-mannered cities, Marjabelle Young Stewart has passed away. She will be remembered with a chorus of burps and farts her friends and family have been holding in for forty years.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese child. In other news, Brad Pitt just ran Angelina Jolie’s passport through a shredder.

The Florida teenager who has been hiccuping for five weeks straight has finally stopped. The library where she was found bludgeoned to death will be closed pending an investigation.

North Dakota is repealing a law in which unmarried couples who live together in the state are considered criminals. Now couples who live together in North Dakota will only be considered unlucky.

Warner Bros. is developing a movie based on the lives of Valerie Plame and Ambassador Joseph Wilson. As of yet, the White House has not leaked a director.

A radio station has bailed Bobby Brown from county jail in exchange for the R&B singer’s agreement to work for them for one week. The radio station said if Brown proved popular with listeners, they’d consider bailing him out of jail on a regular basis.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Last night on the CBS' Late Show With David Letterman, John McCain announced he is entering the 2008 presidential race. McCain then did a segment called "Stupid Candidate Tricks", in which he supported the troop surge in Iraq.

YouTube has announced that Presidential candidates will be posting videos on YouTube to communicate their stand on the issues. Hillary Clinton has already called the screen name, “lonelycandidate15”.

A new report shows China's population grew by almost 7 million people last year- and that’s even before they checked the dumpsters.

Lawmakers in Ohio want convicted sex offenders to have special license plates. This seems to be getting more traction than the earlier plan to make them more identifiable by forcing them all to drive ice cream trucks.

A woman in a town near Naples was suprised when she found a World War II hand grenade in a sack of potatoes she bought at the local market. The woman was even more surprised when one brave potato threw itself upon the grenade to save dinner.