Thursday, November 30, 2006

One in five American parents believe their kids are spending too much time on the Internet when they could be outside enjoying Britney Spears’ vagina live.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Mel Gibson said he felt badly for Michael Richards and is even considering giving him a role in his next film, “Career Apocalypto”.

Africa, a continent usually synonymous with hunger, is falling prey to obesity. Apparently, controlling the AIDS epidemic with edible condoms is not without its side effects

In Florida, Sheriff's deputies pulled a naked man from the jaws of a 12-foot long alligator. It’s not entirely clear what the man was doing naked with the alligator, though witnesses do recall hearing the man plead for “a little less teeth, please”.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a twelve-page letter to U.S public. So, we’re worried about Iran developing the technology for nuclear bombs when they don’t even have email?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

US military defense scientists have found a way to train honeybees to smell explosives used in bombs. Unfortunately, they're not having much luck deprogramming honeybees’ propensity for profiling bears.

Wearing Superman pajamas, comic book illustrator Dave Cockrum has died. Cause of death: kryptonite slippers.

The lead singer of the popular children's group “The Wiggles” is leaving to due to serious illness. The news sent shockwaves through the infant community. Other things sending shockwaves through the infant community: Butterflies, car keys, and the “Gotch Your Nose” game.

Snoop Dogg was arrested Tuesday after performing on "The Tonight Show". Yet Jay Leno still walks the streets a free man.

Homeowners are up in arms over instructive videos on YouTube that show how to break into someone’s home. The video directions have led a flurry of break-ins where amateur burglars are discovered in homes doing a YouTube search for “What Now?”.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Despite increasingly bloody sectarian conflict, President Bush still insists that Iraq is not sliding into a civil war. Then again, Bush also refers to the genocide in Darfur as “boys being boys”.

A new book claims that women talk almost three times as much as men. The book - written by a female psychiatrist - says that inherent differences between the male and female brain explain why blah-biddy, blah, blah, yack, yack.

Sen. John Kerry finished dead last in a likeability poll of the top American political figures. He didn’t help his cause when he demanded the poll be recounted in Ohio.

After only four months, the marriage of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock has ended. Trailer parks across the country flew their flags at half mass.

Black leaders challenged the entertainment industry to stop using the “N” word. In response, rappers everywhere scurried to find another word that rhymes with "trigger".

Monday, November 27, 2006

Yoko Ono took out a full page in the Sunday New York Times pleading for forgiveness to the world's suffering people, AKA- anyone who owns a Yoko Ono album.

This year, the Rolling Stone’s “Bigger Bang” tour became the highest grossing tour ever. The lowest grossing tour ever: K-Fed’s: "Pop My Back Pimple” Tour.

Child development experts now saying 10 is the new 15, making zygote the new embryo, and foreplay the new sex.

So far, over 50,000 have utilized Times Square’s new 20-stall public restroom facility, making it the 17th most popular place in Times Square to drop your pants.

Campaigning for reelection, Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez fired up supporters, telling them, "We are confronting the devil, and we will hit a home run off the devil next Sunday," Coincidently, those same words can be heard in the Red Sox clubhouse before every Yankees game.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Michael Richards is doing his best to show he's contrite. Today, he apologized to Black Friday.

Actress Tawny Kitaen, best known for her work heavy metal videos, has been charged with possessing 15 grams of cocaine. If found guilty, she could face up to three years not living in 1987.

A Japanese company is renting out its robots to work as temps. The company boasts that their robot temps can ignore a ringing phone while working on their screenplays just as good as the real thing.

In a new survey, one in five people said they would consider having cosmetic surgery, or as the folks in Hollywood call it, keeping up with Rivers'.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie celebrated this year's Thanksgiving day in Vietnam. Then this morning, the A-list couple hit the orphanages early hoping to take advantage of those huge Black Friday savings.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Things couldn’t get worse for Seinfeld’s Michael Richards.
Today, O.J gave thanks that at least he’s not Kramer.

Vice President Dick Cheney's office denied reports he was in Iraq for an unannounced Thanksgiving Day visit with troops. He’s actually there to visit the hard working folks of Haliburton.

In an unusual turn of events today, a turkey pardoned President Bush.

Britney Spears is selling the house she and Kevin Federline shared and is looking to buy a new $29 million home. Meanwhile, K-Fed just moved into the backset of a ‘86 Honda Civic.

A Buddhist monk cut off his penis with a machete because he had an erection during meditation. See, that’s why I could never be a Buddhist monk. I would have just masturbated.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Rosie O'Donnell blasted Kelly Rippa for her supposed “homophobic” remark about not knowing where Clay Aiken’s hands have been. So far, Kelly has ignored Rosie’s comments, too fearful of where her mouth has been.

In Atlanta, a 92 year old woman was killed in a shootout with police. And she was just one letter away from BINGO.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are experiencing some rainy weather on their honeymoon in the Maldives. The rain is coming down so hard, you can barely distinguish it from Katie’s tears.

Denzel Washington’s new movie Deju Vu opens this weekend. Michael Richards has already given it two forks up the ass.

A remake of the "Revenge of the Nerds" has been shut down because it was too raunchy for the university hosting the production. Am I crazy, or does this shut down have Alpha Beta written all over it?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The plug has been pulled on OJ Simpson’s “If I did it” book and TV interview. Immediately after the news broke, the streets of LA were overcome with hypothetical riots.

Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame shocked a comedy club crowd when he spewed a barrage of racial slurs at a group of hecklers, thus answering the age-old question: why weren’t there any black people on Seinfeld?

A new study suggests that global warming is killing off certain species. Mostly republicans.

Two peace activists have planned an anti-war demonstration where everyone in the world would orgasm at the same time for world peace. Of course, that peace would quickly end when half the population attempts to roll over and go to sleep without snuggling.

Mattel is recalling 4 million Polly Pocket magnetic play sets after several children swallowed the toys' tiny magnets. The problem was bought to Mattel's attention when parents began discovering their toddlers stuck to the refrigerator.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A global competition to name the new seven wonders of the world is attracting widespread interest. In the lead so far are the Eiffel Tower, the Tag Mahal, and the balls on O.J. Simpson.

A meteorologist was fired when a nude photo of him was posted on MySpace. In the meteorologist’s defense, his nipples were covered by little smiling sun decals.

Sen. John Kerry said his now infamous botched joke would not keep him from running for president in 2008. The joke, however, has caused him to withdraw from the race for US Troops Entertainer of the Year, 2006.

The new James Bond film, Casino Royale, was beat out at the box office this weekend by Happy Feet. In other news, the next James Bond will be played by an adorable tap dancing penguin.

A new government-commissioned study shows that about 1 percent of Web sites are porn. This marks the first government study ever conducted using only one hand.