Wednesday, January 31, 2007

According to AskMen.com's Most Desirable Women of 2007 survey, Beyonce Knowles is the Men’s No. 1 fantasy girlfriend. Coming in a close second, any woman other than men's actual girlfriends.

Sales of Microsoft Vista got off to a slower than expected start. How slow? Purchase one now, and Bill Gates will come over and install it for you.

A new report says that scientists are getting closer to an aircraft the size of a bee. A spokesman for lazy bees said “we can’t wait”.

A California-based company is developing pain relief drugs that you can smoke to get faster results. The drugs will be marketed toward people who want instant pain relief with an air of sophistication.

A naked student streaked through his school cafeteria before being shot twice by police with a stun gun. Students say it was the grossest thing they’ve seen since they looked up from their lunches.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

A World War II veteran claimed a Powerball jackpot worth more than a quarter-billion dollars. The man says he plans to spend the rest of his days storming the beaches of Boca Raton.

A new report says U.S. scientists were pressured to tailor their writings on global warming to fit the Bush administration's skepticism. This may explain the scientists’ curious findings that greenhouse gas emissions cause smiles on puppies.

Miss Oklahoma was crowned Miss America on Monday night. It was the second year in a row that a Miss Oklahoma won the crown, leaving many to wonder whether the state is on the verge of its most vapid dynasty ever.

A New Jersey school is planning on administering random alcohol tests to its students. As if the drunk kids weren’t failing enough tests.

On Thursday, the Eiffel Tower's lights will be turned off for five minutes to promote energy conversation. Americans will do their part as well this Thursday, by turning off their TV sets as soon as the OC comes on.

Monday, January 29, 2007

The comedy spoof "Epic Movie" debuted atop the box office over weekend, overwhelmingly beating out hope for an American public with taste.

Hillary Clinton says she believes President Bush should find a way out of Iraq before he leaves the White House. Bill’s not as demanding; he just wants the ceiling mirrors back up in Lincoln bedroom.

A new survey shows 13% of Americans have never heard of global warming. The survey also shows that 100% of those unaware of global warming have never been stuck in an elevator with Al Gore.

Obama Barack recently explained his first name means ‘Blessed’ in Arabic. Unfortunately, it means “fucked” in red states.

A 12-year-old boy became the world’s youngest person to get a sex change. Really, he just wanted a new bike, but figured he should start big, and negotiate from there.

Friday, January 26, 2007

A molecular scientist in North Carolina has developed caffeinated donuts. The scientist boasts they’ll go great with his other invention, fried cigarettes.

New York City plans to give away free condoms with subway maps printed on them. City officials expect the novelty condoms will lower the cases of STDs and drastically change the way New Yorkers give tourists directions.

Record low temperatures have hit New York City on Friday. Just to give you an idea of how cold it really is; the polar ice caps have rented a place in Tribeca.

Today, House speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced visit to Iraq. Pelosi claims she just needed a few days away from all the strife and chaos.

A 10-year-old director is reportedly suing a woman who helped finance his movie for creative control. The young director said he tried to avoid a lawsuit, but threatening to kick her ass after school just wasn’t working.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

On Wednesday, Venezuelan President Hugo Ch├ívez said that ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro is recovering and is "almost jogging" in recent days. Um…Hugo, when it looks like they’re “almost jogging", it means they’re having a stroke.

Military officials unveiled their newest weapon; a ray gun that shoots beams of heat…because that’s what you get when you give George W. a new box of crayons and ask for a prototype.

In an interview, Sen. Barack Obama said he doesn't think name recognition is necessarily a plus. To prove his case, he’s changing his name to Tom Vilsack.

A recently departed Texas woman left $4 million to a nursing home. Good luck getting a seat at the next BINGO game there.

In Sundance news, the controversial movie “Hounddog," has thus far failed to attract any buyers. Though worried, the film’s producers are still holding out hope for a bidding war between Gary Glitter and John Mark Karr.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Today, Senator John Kerry bowed out of the presidential race. Kerry’s spokesman issued a statement saying, while not in the running, the Senator will still be doing his part to ensure a Republican victory in 2008.

Video footage shows John McCain falling asleep during President Bush’s State of the Union. McCain defended himself, saying he was just resting his eye rolls.

The Netherlands is airing a dating program for the visibly disfigured. The show is titled, “How I Met Your Monster”.

Happy Birthday to Misha Barton, who turned 21 pounds old today!

A new Web site is selling Paris Hilton belongings.
Sorry, the Gucci kneepads have already been sold.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

In his first State of the Union address since Democrats took control of Congress, President Bush is calling on Americans to cut their consumption of gasoline, support the war in Iraq, and get Nancy Pelosi to stop making the jerk off motion behind his back while he’s giving his State of the Union speech.

College students around the country are turning tonight’s State of the Union into a drinking game. The rules are, every time Bush says something that makes you want to forget we’re stuck with him for another two years, drink!

**

According to leaders of the cult-like religion, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology. Well, at least we know his second coming will have a bigger budget and more action then the first one.

A 3-year-old was kicked off an AirTran Airways flight for throwing a temper tantrum. After the incident, the airline officials are now considering arming pilots with “time outs”.

Kazakh border guards arrested a man trying to smuggle 500 parrots in his car from Uzbekistan. Border guards grew suspicious when they heard 500 voices repeat back to them, “What’s in the trunk…squuaaak!!!! What’s in the trunk”.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Yesterday, a woman nine months pregnant induced labor early so her husband could go to the Bears game. After the game, her husband immediately called her and asked if she could stretch the contractions until February 5th.

Amsterdam's red-light district will soon have a statue honoring prostitutes around the world. The statue will be unveiled as soon as it sees the money.

On Sunday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called the U.S. secretary of state "my little girl" and told Washington to "go to hell". It’s all part of Chavez’s effort to turn his country into a professional wrestler.

The diverse list of Presidential hopefuls continues to grow, with Bill Richardson vying to be the first Hispanic President, Barack H. Obama the first black president and Tom Vilsack the first President no one’s ever heard of.

Today, is “Blue Monday”, the most depressing day of the year. Of course, "Your Dreams Are Dead Wednesday" is no picnic, either.

Friday, January 19, 2007

New research shows that playing video games can satisfy deep psychological needs, particularity if those psychological needs include jumping over barrels and beating up hookers.

A 9-year-old year boy snuck onto a Southwest Airlines flight to San Antonio. News of the security breach was worrisome for authorities and encouraging for midget terrorists.

An expert on the "Mona Lisa" says that the symbol of feminine mystique died on July 15, 1542. Cause of death: overexposure.

Today, the top American commander in Iraq said that some of the extra troops ordered to Baghdad could begin leaving by late summer. He says that should give the troops enough of a breather before we invade Iran.

Donald Trump has been fined for flying a large American flag atop an 80-foot flagpole in his lavish Palm Beach club. In Trump’s defense, he only hung the flag there because Rosie O'Donnell wasn’t available.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

In September, NBC will add a fourth hour to the "Today" show. In response, CBS announced they will be add a fourth minute of substance to its Evening News with Katie Couric.

This morning, Los Angeles saw a rare dusting of snow. Man, God’s really not going to make this whole ‘cleaning up’ thing easy on Lindsay Lohan, is he?

President Bush has decided not to renew a program of domestic spying on terrorism suspects, though he insists he’s still going to keep close tabs on that Borat guy.

The scientists who mind the Doomsday Clock moved it two minutes closer to midnight. Then they watched the America Idol premiere and moved it up another forty minutes.

Ratings for this season’s premiere of American Idol were even better than last year. The show’s producers celebrated by drinking Paula Abdul.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have moved to New Orleans and plan to send their three children to school there. The couple’s children have issued a joint statement saying, “The other shoe has dropped”.

Yesterday, Donald Trump got a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. It was a big day for The Don, as his hair got a star of its own in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.

Health experts are warning women that carrying an oversized handbag may pose serious health risks. That risk is doubled when the handbag is full of Twinkies.

The burly security guard on "The Jerry Springer Show" is getting his own talk show this fall. The debut show will feature people who enjoy getting manhandled by new talk show hosts.

Sen. Barack Obama launched a presidential campaign on Tuesday that would make him the first black man to occupy the White House, though not the first President to enjoy a little junk in the trunk.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Makers of the tropical island drama "Lost" say they're talking with ABC executives about setting an end date for the series. President Bush stepped in to say an end date for the show wasn’t wise for America, and ordered 20,000 more castaways to the island to help defeat The Others.

Today, an Iraqi government official hung a picture on his office wall. The picture was hung crooked and Sunnis vowed revenge.

Three nights of freezing temperatures have destroyed up to three-quarters of California's $1 billion citrus crop. Even worse, Governor Schwarzenegger broke his other leg trying to ski down the frozen crops.

On Monday, "Ugly Betty" won two Golden Globe Awards to prove you don’t have to be beautiful to make it in Hollywood, as long your homeliness is acknowledged somewhere in your name.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has pleaded guilty to assaulting her housekeeper by throwing a mobile phone at her. Miss Campbell was sentenced to five days of community service and will now be required to have collision insurance on her cell phone.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Miss New Jersey USA is stepping down after admitting she is pregnant, which is against pageant rules. Mr. Camaro could not be reached for comment.

Earlier today, Saddam Hussein’s half-brother’s head was severed during his execution in what Iraq officials are calling a rare hangman’s blunder. Iraq citizens will get to decide for themselves when it airs later this week on Iraq's popular program “Bloopers and Botched Chokes”.

A male Panda in a Thailand zoo has been put on a low-carb diet because he is too heavy to mate with his partner. Come on! This guy’s on the verge of extinction and now he’s got to go on South Beach to get a piece?

According to sources, LA bound soccer star David Beckman has his eyes on an acting career. See, rest of the world; even $250 million can’t take the “bore” out of soccer.

Yesterday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he is taking only "a little bit" of medication to ease the throbbing pain in his leg. He says he’s limiting his doses so he doesn’t slur his speech, forget what to say, or do something crazy like promise health insurance to everyone in California.

Friday, January 12, 2007

A chocked up President Bush shed a tear yesterday during a solemn ceremony honoring a fallen Marine. The moment was unusual, as Bush usually only cries when someone takes away his Congress.

Yesterday, Bindi Irwin, the 8-year-old daughter of the late "Crocodile Hunter", followed in her dad's footsteps in her American television debut. Luckily, the goldfish sting was not fatal.

An Ohio dentist had his license suspended after state investigators accused him of drinking on the job. Authorities grew suspicious when the dentist started anesthetizing patients with scotch and soda.

In less than 15 years, China will have 30 million more men of marriageable age than women, making 15 years from now the best time in China’s history to be an ugly chick.

An Air Force staff sergeant who posed nude for Playboy magazine has been relieved of her duties. Fortunately, she still gets to be saluted, just not with hands.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Kohl's and Target have halted sales of board games like “Drinko” and “Keg Pong” that encourage players to drink alcohol. In protest, fans of the games took a shot every time one was pulled from store shelves.

The ban of sales of the games was bought on by a letter writing campaign by the activist group Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America, or B.U.Z.Z.K.I.L.L.

**

The U.S. government has found Canadian spy coins that track your movement. Officials worry that the Canadian government now knows that we spend years on end lingering in coin jars and car ashtrays.

MySpace.com will officially launch a French version today. It will mark the first time large numbers of the French are assembled in one space without anyone wanting to open a window.

David Beckham is coming to the US to play soccer for the LA Galaxy. Upon hearing the news, LA residents were thrilled to learn they had a soccer team.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Today, President Bush plans to announce that he will send about 20,000 more U.S. troops to Iraq. And if that doesn’t work, Bush says he’s open to ignoring other proposals.

A man was bitten by a Scorpion during a United Airlines flight to Vermont. The man is said to be doing fine, but the Scorpion is complaining that the airline lost his luggage.

Weeks after his death, James Brown's body has still not been buried. The same cannot be said of Tomi Rae Brown’s sanity.

Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. were elected to the baseball Hall of Fame on Tuesday, while Marc McGwire secured a spot signing glossies alongside Pete Rose at a Ramada Inn baseball card convention in Passaic, NJ.

Yesterday, Apple unveiled it’s new iPhone, a sleek mobile phone, camera, music player and Web surfing device. Company founder Steve Jobs promised the state of the art iPhone will "revolutionize" the way technology confuses people.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Yesterday, a powerful, mysterious smell of gas wafted through much of Manhattan and parts of New Jersey, forcing building evacuations, a temporary suspension of commuter train service, and a field day for morning DJ’s with an itchy “fart sound effect” finger.

Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking plans to travel to space by 2009.
There, he hopes to discover life that sounds like him.

Yesterday, Civil rights activist Al Sharpton stated he is seriously considering a run for president, saying "I don't hear any reason not to". Sharpton then put his hands over his ears and walked away repeating loudly, “la la la… I don’t hear any reason not to… la la la la…I don’t hear any reason not to… la la la…”.

**

Van Halen was ushered into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Monday.
Congratulations Gary Cherone!

Van Halen’s induction is a long time coming, and should spur more rumors of a Van Halen reunion, reawaken bitter feuds, and make us all nostalgic for the days when we could wear zebra print spandex and not look like a zebra.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Rapper 50 Cent’s G-Unit books are set to launch this month. According to a statement, the novellas will tell the truth about the sex, guns and cash of the players on the streets, but are in no way meant to glamorize reading.

Momofuku Ando, the inventor of Ramen noodles, has died. Bereaved relatives say his death seemed so instant.

Record breaking temperatures hit the east coast over the weekend. It was so pleasant outside, Al Gore switched parties.

Magazine publisher Time Inc. may cut up to 150 jobs, setting off intense speculation over who will be Time’s Magazine’s 2007 Laid Off Persons of the Year!

A subway train derailed Sunday near downtown Washington, sending 20 people to the hospital, and proving you can have a train wreck in the capital without Bush behind the podium.

Friday, January 5, 2007

An Australian bank issued a credit card to a cat after its owner decided to test the bank's identity security system. The man proved his point, the bank apologized, and the cat pawed at its $25,000 ball of cashmere yarn.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan had surgery to remove her appendix, and replace it with a slimmer, sexier one that knows how to work the camera.

Since the box office hit “Museum” debuted, there’s been a steep rise in the number of people visiting New York’s Museum of Natural History. On the rise since the release of “Rocky Balboa”: senior-on-senior violence.

A woman is suing Oprah Winfrey's studio, alleging she was injured in the rush for seats. In other news, a woman is suing Megan Mullally’s studio alleging she was injured in the rush away from seats.

A new report shows that 167,000 new jobs were created last month. Of course, most of them were in the “Handling Britney Spears” sector.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Toyota is developing a system for its cars that detects drunken drivers and automatically shuts the vehicle down if sensors pick up signs of excessive alcohol consumption. And if the car sees Tracy Morgan approaching, it self-implodes.

Today, Rep.-elect Keith Ellison will be the first Muslim to ever be sworn into Congress. Ellison told colleagues that religious differences are nothing to fear, which is fine, but he then went on to ask Speaker Pelosi to “ease up on the skin show”.

It’s being reported that the filming of the next "Indiana Jones" will begin later this year. In the movie, Indy battles Rocky Balboa over the last packet of Sweet ’N Low.

The Whitehouse claims President Bush has not seen the video of Saddam Hussein's execution because he is focused on the "way forward" in Iraq. Plus, he never really gets foreign films.

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said God told him that a terrorist attack on the United States this year would result in "mass killing", and, on a lesser note, not to forget to pick up his shirts at the dry cleaners.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

CNN apologized Tuesday for mistakenly promoting a story on the search for Osama bin Laden with the headline "Where's Obama?". Even more embarrassing was Hillary Clinton’s promise to capture him dead or alive.

Today, Gerald Ford will be buried in his hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Finally, our long national funeral is over.

"Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" will be airing through at least 2012. What is “_nough Alr_ady”?

Riled up over U.N Security Council sanctions, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed to humiliate the United States. Oh, so now he thinks he can do Bush’s job?

A number of mobile home owners in Florida are refusing to sell to a developer who’s ready to make them instant millionaires. And that’s the kind of sound financial decision-making that makes up a trailer park, folks.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

A new study suggests that women who exercise by doing housework can reduce their risk of breast cancer. Best study since they discovered giving head cures migraines.

Sunni Muslims expressed outrage over the amateur footage circulating of Saddam Hussein’s death, to which Michael Richards commented, “you call that dying?”

Producers of 60 minutes said they have no plans to replace Ed Bradley. Unfortunately, they also don't plan to replace Andy Rooney with someone who isn’t just discovering that cell phone rings can be annoying and dog-sweaters are unnecessary.

Avis customers may soon have Wi-Fi in their rental cars. Just what people need: more things to distract them from their cell phone conversations.

Oprah Winfrey opened a school in South Africa for disadvantaged girls. The state of the art school promises to expose its students to such literary classics as The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Moby Dick and Dr. Phil’s “Relationship Rescue.”

Monday, January 1, 2007

Today, the nation said goodbye to Gerald Ford, and Lindsay Lohan said hello to Betty Ford.

According to a new poll, one in four Americans anticipates the second coming of Jesus in 2007. Good. If he comes back, he can stay on one of their couches.

A 67-year-old Spanish woman became the world's oldest mother after giving birth to twins. The twins have already agreed to take turns diapering their mother.

A Colorado couple is selling snow from the recent blizzards on eBay. How adorably innovative. I’ll start the bidding at one eye roll.

It's being reported that Britney Spears passed out at a Las Vegas Night club celebrating New Year's Eve. Apparently, all the exhilaration of trying to count backwards from ten really wiped her out.