Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is expected to drop out of the Presidential race, though his campaign manager wants him to wait another few months until it’s too late.

Rudy says he looks forward to arriving back in New York, where ignoring the rest of the country is not just a strategy, but a way of life.

After another third place finish, Democrat John Edwards is dropping out of the presidential race. Pundits are now anxiously are waiting to see whether Edwards endorses Finesse or Pantene.

Sen. John McCain won the Florida primary yesterday. Ignoring differences in policies and experience, exit polls show Floridians went with the candidate they’d most like to play a game of shuffleboard with.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in LA now has a vending machine that dispenses medical marijuana. Getting your pot and your Cheetos in one place; why are we making life so easy for stoners?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Meg Whitman will soon step down as chief executive of eBay Inc. One employee had this to say, “Great Boss. :) Would definitely work for again!!!.”

A study released Wednesday found President Bush and his top officials lied a total of 935 times in the run-up to the Iraq war. And that was just to Barney the dog.

Former president Bill Clinton accused Barack Obama of a political "hit job." Obama has since backed down after waking up with John Kerry’s severed head in his bed.

Mitt Romney is now focusing on his business resume to secure votes. If that doesn’t work out, he can always fall back on his down home, everyman persona.

Polls show Rudy Giuliani has dropped to third place in the Florida Primary.
Sadly, this is after spending more time and money in Florida than he did in his second marriage.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Venezuela's opposition is demanding leftist President Hugo Chavez take a drug test after he said he chews coca leaves to keep up his energy. The accusation could put a crimp in Chavez’s plan to build a giant straw connecting Venezuela to Columbia.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" because the show insisted he cut one of his songs down. If that song was “Octopus’s Garden”, then high-five Reg!

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson announced today that he is withdrawing from the Republican presidential race, effective 2 months ago.

The world’s largest swimming people has opened at a resort on Chile's southern coast. This pool is so large, the lifeguards wear telescopes. This pool is so enormous, the Pacific is considered its kiddie pool. This pool is so gigantic, God peed in it and no one noticed.

Census figures show that fewer people are moving to Florida. Census officials suspect the trend may be due to people catching on to what happens to people that move to Florida.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A former Republican congressman was indicted for raising over $130,000 for a charity that supported Al Qaeda. I hope the Osama tote bag was worth it.

Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar has announced he wants to become the “ambassador of peace.” And Osama thought it was embarrassing when the kid wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees.

A high school track star has been disqualified from a meet because officials said the custom-made outfit she wears to conform to her Muslim faith violated competition rules. Oh, so it’s fine for an American student to run track in vest of dynamite...

Tom Cruise made a visit to Jerry’s Seinfeld’s NYC garage to check out his car collection. Tom was happy to report there were no Suppressive Porches.

British pop star George Michael is working on a memoir to be released in 2009. The memoir will be titled “Anything to infiltrate your bathroom.”

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

It was announced that Oprah Winfrey will soon be getting her own television network. The network will debut in early 2009, coincidentally, right around the time Oprah is scheduled to get her own U.S. President.

The Plague, or Black Death as it was known in mid-evil times, is re-emerging worldwide. Scientists say they’re surprised to see the deadly disease back, but even more surprised by the return of witches.

At today's annual Macworld, Steve Jobs unveiled a new personal laptop. The new super slim computer is less than an inch thick and is turned on the moment it's opened. Designed by Apple, inspired by Paris Hilton.

Today marks the return of American Idol. I promise to vote for anyone who doesn’t sing about “change”.

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said he will not run from his statement 15 years ago that AIDS patients should have been isolated, though he is backing off his decade old assertion that anyone with herpes should be shipped to Staten Island.

Monday, January 14, 2008

A number of prominent entertainers have been cited in connection with a steroid investigation, including Tyler Perry. The disclosure satisfies many who refused to believe that Perry’s work could suck that hard naturally.

The investigation also suggested possible steroid abuse by rapper 50 Cent, which would explain why his last album “Curtis” received four out of five asterisks.

A Japanese climber lost in the mountains for more than a week in frigid conditions survived by eating snow. Of course, he just icicled most of it out.

After getting married, a British couple discovered that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families. The saddest part is, neither ever got to meet their natural in-laws.

The Smurfs marked their 50th birthday in Belgium today. Papa Smurf is so old now, he’s not sure if he’s a Smurf or a member of the Blue Man Group.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time. Once again, the terrorists gain the upper hand through their crafty use of “autopay”.

A Polish man visiting a brothel was shocked to discover his wife among the establishment's employees. He then paid her fifty Euros to never tell herself he was there.


Sen. John Kerry has endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for the White House. Man, Hillary is on a roll.

Some saw Kerry’s endorsement of Obama as a slap in the face to his 2004 running mate John Edwards. Others saw it as Kerry’s best shot at having a black friend.

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has ended his long-shot bid for the Democratic presidential nomination, and began his long-shot bid as the next spokesman for Slimfast.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Starbucks has fired its chief executive, Jim Donald. This begs the question: where does someone that gets fired from Starbucks kill time during the day?

A 10-year-old Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. To his credit, at least he’s using his school supplies.

During his trip to the Mid East today, President Bush called Iran a threat to world peace. He then cautiously asked, “I’m not in Iran right now, am I?”

A leading scientist claims Russia will be the first nation to put a man on Mars, or at least the first nation to put a man on Mars involuntarily.

A comedian and filmmaker is living inside a NJ Ikea while his New York City apartment is being fumigated. The bugs proved smarter; they’ll be staying at a Crate & Barrel.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Roger Clemens says he'll do all he can to prove he didn't use steroids. In other news, Clemens’ former trainer was killed today by an errant 98 mph fastball.

President Bush signed legislation today aimed at preventing the severely mentally ill from buying guns. The only stipulation was he doesn’t have to be the one to break the news to Ted Nugent.

A Boy Scout foiled an assassination attempt on the president of the Maldives today. Of course, over there the Boy Scout Motto is “Always Be Prepar- HE’S GOT A KNIFE!”.

Brittney Spears’ abandoned car was impounded today. Dr. Phil has already made two visits to the car.

New Hampshire experienced unseasonably pleasant weather today. It was so was warm, Mitt Romney shed a layer of skin. It was so nice outside, kids were swimming in Hillary’s tears. It was so balmy, John McCain cooled off by waterboarding himself.

Monday, January 7, 2008

General Motors Corp. has declared that cars that drive themselves could be a reality within a decade. Saudi Arabia responded to the announcement by asking GM, “even the female ones?”

Television’s Dr. Phil met with Britney Spears on Saturday and said she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention, which he plans to talk more about on his talk show this week. At last, Britney is going to get the publicity she needs.

The Presidential debates in New Hampshire over the weekend got rather heated, with McCain going after Romney, Edwards going after Clinton, and security going after Kucinich.

Thus far, President Bush has not given any clue as to which candidate he favors. He’s probably waiting to see who Supreme Court gets behind.

The CEO of Krispy Kreme has resigned for personal reasons. The company stated the exiting chief wants to spend more time glazing his family.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Yesterday evening, after a three-hour showdown involving her two young sons, paramedics took an intoxicated Britney Spears out of her home in a gurney and loaded her into an ambulance that was escorted by a row of police cars. And she still had a better night than Hillary Clinton.

After a disappointing third place finish in Iowa last night, Hillary has vowed to defy the odds and become African American.

Looking for the upside, Clinton’s third place showing positions her to be the new “Comeback in four to eight years kid”.

In New Hampshire this morning, Hillary declared herself the candidate for America's youth. Because nothing appeals to young America more than smart pantsuits.

ABC News is eliminating Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter and Democrats Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel from its prime- time presidential debates. Lucky for them, all three struggling candidates do still qualify to tangle with Screech and Maria Osmond on ABC’s, “Debating with the Stars”.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Britney Spears' custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline experienced a major setback with the announcement that her lawyers are quitting the case. Well, at least soon she’ll have a niece to drop around.

Sources say Nickelodeon is canceling the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears’ show, “Zoey 101”. The news promises to upset her young audience, many of whom consider Jamie Lynn a ‘ho model.

Author David Levy says that in the future, humans will be romantically involved with robots, to which Mitt Romney’s wife responded, “future”?

White house press secretary said President Bush will not be waiting up for the results of the primaries. Then again, neither will Fred Thompson.

New Jersey is getting close to becoming the first Northern state to apologize for slavery. Guess this means we’ve got a few years to go on that apology for Bon Jovi.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Republican candidate Mitt Romney stated that if elected president he and his wife will not embarrass the nation by their conduct in the White House, as happened in "the Clinton years." It’s true. One of the principal tenets of Mormonism is “No Fat Chicks”.

A man with a knife was arrested inside a campaign headquarters of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton in northeast Iowa. Dear God, is Mitt still trying to prove he’s a hunter?

The Clinton campaign is lining up baby-sitters to look after the little ones of caucus-moms so they’re freed up to vote. As a courtesy, they’ve also offered to watch over Dennis Kucinich.

NBC’s tonight show with Jay Leno returns tonight with special guest Republican, Mike Huckabee. The show’s writers will not be returning, though Huckabee’s material on evolution should deliver the big laughs.

France's smoking ban went into effect Tuesday with the start of the New Year. It’s expected to last until the French realize that wasn’t what stank.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee told reporters Monday that he was pulling a negative ad designed to target Mitt Romney. He then he showed the ad to a room packed with reporters. So, if Mike Huckabee ever tells you he was going to punch you in the face, duck.

Looks like Mitt Romney has made a new year’s resolution. This morning he refused to even flip his calendar over to the new year.

In an online movie poll, moviegoers tagged Lindsay Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the year's worst performance by an actress. There was some redemption, as voters in the same poll honored Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the best performance by a drunk actress.

Hotel party princess Paris Hilton was spotted cozying up to Kevin Federline in Los Angeles this weekend. The year is starting out great for Paris; for the first time she’s being considered a ‘step up’.

The house where Michael Vick held illegal dog fights is up for sale for $1.1 million. Sure, the puppy electric chair needs some renovating, but it’s still a good deal.