Monday, December 15, 2008

A growing number of illegal immigrants from Mexico are returning to their home country now because of the recession. You have to give credit where credit is due- Bush finally found a way to solve the illegal immigrant problem.

British Marine archaeologists have discovered a 4 and a half inch piece of "string" they say is 8000 years old, because that sounds a little better than saying, “We got nothing”.

Veterinarians in Massachusetts on Tuesday reattached the face of a cat who had been injured by a car's fan belt. Unfortunately, they’ve reattached it to Joan Rivers.

It was announced this week that Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove will be auctioned off next week. The bidding will start at the price of hundreds of children’s’ innocence.

More than 2 million Muslims on Sunday began a pilgrimage to a town outside Mecca to cast stones at the devil, because if there’s anything that’s going to take the devil down, it’s rocks.

A man in China woke his wife from her 10 year coma by biting her toes, or a woman in China woke up from her 10 year coma to discover her husband still has a foot fetish.

A new report shows that in recent years, many women have become top executives in the pornography industry. Yet another example of women breaking through the mirrored ceiling.

An 89 year-old man and a 90 year-old woman in England became the Britain's oldest newlyweds this week when they got married. The couple is registered at the Ramsey Funeral Home & Crematory.

Monday, November 24, 2008

During an interview with 60 Minutes, Barack Obama talked about getting a hypoallergenic dog for his family as well as the possibility of his mother-law moving into the White House with them. Oh my God, we’ve elected a sitcom premise.

Debby, the world's oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a Canadian zoo at the age of 42. Sadly, she died without anyone ever knowing her real name was not Debby, but Fran.

Drug dealing on the website Craigslist has become so rampant that New York's special narcotics prosecutor has asked the site to curb the thinly veiled ads that use code words to sell drugs. Good news for people who genuinely do only want to buy tickets to the “420” foot high “ski lift” on “meth mountain”.

At a gay rights rally this weekend in California, comedian Wanda Sykes revealed that she is a lesbian, while comedian Carrot Top revealed he’s actually a carrot bottom.

The Postal Service announced this week they will be reducing employee work hours and instituting a program which would push 150,000 employees into early retirement,… you know, just in case you forgot where the term “going postal” came from.

Oral Roberts University announced this week that it will lay off about 100 employees. It’s cool though. I hear Oral gives great severance.

In Germany, scientists have uncovered a 4600 year-old grave containing a man, woman and two children. It is believed to be the oldest evidence of people living as a family and the longest any couple has ever stayed together for the sake of the children.

In an interview in the New Yorker, Prince reveals that since he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses two years ago he has started knocking on doors to preach the work of his Christian denomination. Leave it to the Jehovah's Witnesses’ to make Prince showing up at your door a bad thing.

Senator Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in the Senate, on Tuesday narrowly lost his reelection bid. The people of Alaska have spoken, and they have “narrowly” chosen the guy who isn’t an 85-year-old convicted felon.

In a message posted Wednesday, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, insulted Barack Obama, calling him a "house negro." It should be noted that he said this only after scanning the room to make sure there weren’t any black dudes around.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ninety year-old Edith Shain, the woman from the famed 1945 Times Square picture of her being kissed by a sailor, was in New York this week to serve as a grand marshal in this week's Veterans Day Parade. Thousands of sailors attended the parade to see if she still puts out.

In the week since the Presidential election, the names Barack, Obama, Michele, Malia, and Sasha have become increasingly popular baby names. So…in your face, Piper!

Friends of Michelle Obama say that her first priority as she comes to Washington will be her two daughters, and not being "co-president", though Sasha Obama is rumored to have her eye on the “Secretary of Teddy Bear Slumber Parties” post.

Barack Obama on Monday visited the White House and was given a tour of the Oval Office by President Bush. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney graciously gave Joe Biden a tour of Castle Grayskull.

This week, Saudi Arabia presided over a two-day UN conference on religious tolerance, which was going pretty well, until the Jews showed up.

Writer Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez theorized that Barack Obama won the Presidency in part because of the "Huxtable effect," in which the hit 80s sitcom, “The Cosby Show”, helped young voters get over racial stereotypes. She also theorized that the “Mr. Roper” effect didn’t do John McCain any favors.

The stick, which a child can make into anything using their imagination, was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame last week. Next year pile of dirt. Next year.

Many people in Africa have high expectations for Barack Obama's presidency and believe he will be able to solve many of the continent’s problems. After all, Africa has done so well with other black leaders in the past.

A man in Japan has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying that he feels more at ease in the "two-dimensional world." Dude, step away from the henatia porn.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Some aides to John McCain say that they are not happy that Sarah Palin has been going "off-script" at campaign rallies and are concerned over what they describe as her “rogue” behavior. Man, it’s almost like she’s turned into some kind of maverick.

Many political insiders think that regardless of the outcome of the election, Sarah Palin could be the future of the Republican Party, assuming nobody foxier comes along.

Sarah Palin turned out to be one of the most popular costumes this Halloween, which is surprising, since the costume was sold exclusively at Saks and Neiman Marcus.

A man in Japan set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married rather than go through with the ceremony. The man now faces 10 to 20 years in “not” marriage.

A new line of Italian wines based on the hit series the Sopranos will be launched in the US this fall. This might explain the recent rise in grape whackings.

The City Council of Atlantic City has voted to lift the less-than-2-week-old ban on smoking in casinos. Hey Atlantic City- how does it feel to know Keith Richards once quit smoking longer than you did?

Monday, October 27, 2008

In an effort to cut costs, ABC has sent around a "new wardrobe guidelines" memo to certain shows outlining the "maximum allowable spend" for clothes for each character- to which the Republican Party asked, “You can do that?”

Survivor host Jeff Probst has created a new reality show called "Live Like You're Dying," which takes people who don't have much time left on the adventure of a lifetime. The idea seems to be a real hit with the show’s first subject, John McCain.

Because of the ailing economy, airlines are announcing that they will have nearly 3 million less flights this year during the Thanksgiving holiday. The news is just sinking in for the millions of Turkeys who were hoping to get the heck out of Dodge for the holiday.

A 33 year-old woman, who was accused of stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. Or, as she put it, “Defense! Insanity! Defense, insanity…Whooo!!!”

A man in South Carolina was arrested this weekend after he left his 10 month old daughter in a car while he went into a strip club where his wife was performing and got a lap dance. Ahh...what couples will do to keep things fresh after having a kid.

In an attempt to broaden its appeal the white-power movement in America is marketing itself to middle America by creating social networking sites and podcasts. Well, it’s about time segregationists joined the 21st century!

A school in New York City is offering a class called "The Art of Charm," which is 3500 dollar, one-week, live-program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. I’d say giving them $3500 for a bogus class is a good start.

Geologists say they have discovered more than 1000 prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a site near the Arizona-Utah border that they are calling it a "dinosaur dance floor." Also discovered by this "dinosaur dance floor": the bones of the infamous “D.J. Rex”.

Two Dutch teenagers have been convicted of theft and sentenced to community service for stealing "virtual" items in an online adventure game, thus setting the precedent that could lead to someday all of us being brought up on charges of involuntary ghost slaughter.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

In an interview with the Associated Press, Levi Johnston, the fiancé of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter Bristol, said that they "were planning on getting married a long time ago”. Just not to each other.

At the Philadelphia Flyers' home opener against the New York Rangers, Sarah Palin was booed as she dropped the ceremonial first puck in front of a crowd of 19,000 hockey fans who obviously hate their moms.

At a campaign rally this weekend, John McCain said that even though they are trailing Barack Obama in the polls, "we've got them just where we want them." Unfortunately, he’s been saying the same thing about Iraqi insurgents for the past five years.

PepsiCo has announced that it is cutting over 3330 jobs to give it some "breathing room" during these bad economic times. Luckily, the 3330 employees being laid off are the ones whose job is to shake the Pepsi bottles before they reach the shelf.

Six schools in Utah have introduced a Web site that allows students to anonymously report bullies, while six bullies in Utah have introduced a website that allows students to anonymously report Gaylords.

Sex offenders in Maryland have begun receiving signs in the mail that read, “No candy at this residence,” which they must post on their front doors on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. But no one told them they have to put any signs on their vans...

Ringo Starr has told fans to stop sending letters and requests for autographs, saying such mail will be thrown away after October 20th because he has too much to do. Don’t worry though- this only effects the least talented members of the Beatles fandom.

The Bush administration is taking steps for mountain bikers to gain easier access to national parks and other public lands before President Bush leaves office. That’s like someone wrecking your life and trying to make up for it with a day-pass to Great Adventure.

It was reported this week that after 8 years of marriage, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. For now, Madonna says she’ll probably just play the field -… mostly third base.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Scientists at Hebrew University in Jerusalem have found a way to enhance the fragrance of some flowers by a factor of 10. Great news for flowers that smell like crap.

Police in Florida are searching for a "bra bandit," who they say stole 160 bras from a Victoria's Secret store. Most likely, just the work of another hard luck case with a couple of boobs at home to support.

On Sunday, Pope Benedict helped launch a week-long Bible-reading marathon on Italian television. The marathon, however, does face some stiff competition from anything else on TV that isn’t a Bible-reading marathon.

A new study shows that high-powered energy drinks, such as Red Bull, have so much caffeine in them that the government should put warning labels on the cans, -warnings such as: “hey dude- you’re about to become 10 times more obnoxious.”

A new clothing boutique in Mexico City has opened that sells bullet-proof clothing- and just in time for “back to drug war season”!

A farmer from Canada has won a contest in California with a pumpkin that weighs more than 1500 pounds. The pumpkin is also expected to be a shoe-in to win next week’s “Most Ominous Jack-O-Lantern” contest.

An investigation by students at the University of Connecticut found that 8500 dead people remained registered to vote in the state, and about 300 of them appeared to have voted since death. So basically, when told to “vote or die”, you can choose both.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Last week's jokes, today!

During an interview with Katie Couric on Tuesday, Sarah Palin said that she considers herself a "feminist", a point supported by the fact that she was first runner up in Alaska’s “Little Miss Feminist” pageant, circa 1982.

A 26 year-old Nebraskan teacher was sentenced to six years in federal prison for fleeing to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him. An unfortunate ending to what the boy described as the ‘best field trip ever’.

Mathematicians at UCLA have discovered a 13 million-digit prime number, a long sought milestone that makes them eligible for a 100,000 dollar prize, which you know they’re just going to go out and blow on chalk.

For the second time this year, a GPS system has been blamed for a car-train collision after a driver followed the device's instructions and turned onto train tracks. As a precaution, drivers with the GPS system are being told to ignore any directions preceded by, "Ever feel like nothing matters anymore?"

Last Sunday the New York Mets lost their final game at Shea Stadium and were once again eliminated from the playoffs. The team looks forward to starting next season in their new stadium that wasn’t built over an ancient Indian burial ground.

A man in Florida saved his dog from a shark by diving in the water and punching the shark in the head until it let his pet go, though as far as the shark's friends know, he bumped into a reef.

Customs officers at the San Paulo, Brazil airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane. Police grew suspicious when the man started to take off before the plane.

Jatropha, a plant indigenous to Haiti that is believed to release the souls of the dead, is being considered an alternative energy source for cars, with some vehicles getting up to 35 ghosts to the gallon.

While appearing on Meet the Press this Sunday, Bill Clinton called John McCain a great man, but failed to say the same thing about Barack Obama. In his defense, the guy is tired of sleeping on the couch.

A 71 year-old man in an Oregon hospital, who was being treated for abdominal pain, was mistakenly told that he was pregnant. Not as bad as when doctors at the same hospital diagnosed a pregnant woman as fat.

The fear of losing while bidding on items online can push people to pay too much for an item, according to a new study conducted by a guy who paid $732 for pair of Chinese handcuffs.

During a Civil War re-enactment in Virginia, a Confederate soldier fired a real shot that hit a Union soldier. Unfortunately, for a while there, everyone just thought the Union soldier was just a really good re-enactor.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Last week's jokes, today!

At the U.N. Assembly in New York this week, Sarah Palin got a chance to sit down and chat with former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger. This meeting was particular exciting for Palin, as she was a huge Kiss fan in the 70s.

FBI agents raided the home of a University of Tennessee student who allegedly hacked into Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account. The student was able to penetrate Palin’s email by dodging all questions posed by Yahoo’s password security and just charming his way in.

In his final speech before the UN General Assembly, President Bush urged the organization to do more to prevent terrorism "instead of only passing resolutions". Out of spite, the assembly immediately passed a resolution to do more than just to pass resolutions.

New York City police say they arrested more than a dozen people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game, with Joey Landorff of 158th Street leading the thieves in stolen bases.

It was reported this week that a leading Saudi Arabian cleric has put out a fatwa on Mickey Mouse, declaring him an agent of Satan. You don’t even want to hear what he has to say about Mickey’s accountant, Moshe Mouse.

In this week's issue of People magazine, Clay Aiken confirmed what we’ve known for a long time: when he finally came out, it was not going to be on the cover of “Guns and Ammo”.

Last weekend, nearly 300 tow trucks participated in a parade through New York in an attempt to break the record for the world's largest tow truck parade. In a rare show of support, the tow trucks were joined by nearly 300 illegally parked cars.

This week, David Blain hung upside-down in New York’s Central Park for 60 hours, breaking his own record for most desperate way to get your attention.

The University of California is suing about 20 protesters each for up to 10,000 dollars for their sit-in in a tree that lasted 22 months. Said protesters: “good thing we saved all that money we earned while we were living in a tree for the past 22 months!”

Officials at the CIA, the FBI and the National Security Agency are encouraging their staff members to use A-Space, a new social networking site designed for the spying community. The good news is, our spy agencies are finally sharing information; the bad news is, it’s about what their favorite movie quotes are.

A woman in Idaho named Jolee Bacon won first place at the County Fair hog calling competition, though most people felt her sister, Jolene Bacon was just as good.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Jokes that mattered for a moment at some point last week

Sarah Palin said she agreed to accept John McCain's offer to be his running mate after her three daughters voted for her to do it. It’s kind of cute, until you realize that this is how she’ll one day decide whether or not to bomb Iran.

Sarah Palin’s father told reporters that he taught her how to shoot and gut a moose. He then added, “but it was Sarah’s idea to make the moose’s family watch.”

Michelle Obama has landed on People Magazine’s best dressed list. Actually, so did Sarah Palin, but it was for their ‘Best dressed if it were still 1985’ list.

Sarah Palin said Monday that if elected, one of her roles in the McCain administration would involve promoting care for special-needs children. In other words, she’ll be hiring a full-time nanny.

CBS's "60 Minutes" will devote its full broadcast this week to John McCain and Barack Obama. Actually, the show will mostly be about Obama, but for some reason they’re giving McCain the last five minutes to gripe about how irritating he finds personalized ring tones.

The economy has really taken a turn for the worse this week. It’s so bad, today John McCain admitted he doesn’t know how many landscapers he has to lay off.

Tuesday, one of John McCain’s staff members credited the Senator with inventing the BlackBerry. McCain said it actually happened by accident when he was trying to create the first rotary cell phone.

A fund-raising dinner at which Barbra Streisand performed on Tuesday, helped raise 9 million dollars for Barack Obama's campaign. In other news, the Federal Reserve has granted ailing insurance company AIG an emergency Barbra Streisand concert.

According to a new report, Barack Obama's plans to raise taxes on people earning more than 250,000 dollars would cost wealthy New Yorkers almost 16 billion dollars. Boy, he’s just not done sticking it to the Clintons yet, is he?

A researcher has found that social networking sites have become more popular than porn sites. Experts believe this may be due to a growing trend of people preferring to masturbate to someone they know.

Paris Hilton is in mourning today after losing two of her dogs to a vicious coyote attack last night. Poor things. They probably weren’t even full afterwards.

"Lakeview Terrace" debuted at the top spot at the weekend box office. You know it’s a bad weekend for Hollywood when the most exciting film in the theater is named after the home you put your grandmother in.

Bobby Irwin, the 4 year-old son of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, was seen wrestling a baby crocodile for a potential TV pilot. The pilot’s working title is, “See you soon, Papa”.

Madame Tussaud's returned a wax figure of Adolf Hitler to its Berlin branch after someone beheaded the statue. Should we be worried that Germany has an ample supply of back-up Hitler heads?

Paul McCartney's ex-wife is donating $1 million worth of soy hamburgers, soy hot dogs and soy chicken cutlets to one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Bronx. The gesture actually made one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Bronx feel bad for Paul McCartney.

According to a new book, John Lennon had sexual fantasies about his mother as well Paul McCartney. Even more disturbing- he had sexual fantasies about Yoko Ono.

Kevin Federline skipped one of his sons' birthday parties to extend his stay at a party for a new Las Vegas club. To add insult to injury, it was the new Las Vegas Chucky Cheese Club.

According to a new study, celebrity crushes are healthy and may enhance self-esteem. You know what’s not so healthy? Stalkers with high self-esteem.

"Sex and the City" author Candace Bushnell is set to a series of novels about Carrie Bradshaw's teenage years in high school. Bushnell said readers should expect less “Sex and the City” and more “Dry Humping and the Dugout.”

Moscow is helping Cuba develop its own space center. With Russia’s help, Cuba hopes they’ll soon be able to launch their first raft into outer space.

A dog in France is believed to be the first animal to appear as a witness in a murder inquiry when he "barked furiously" at a potential suspect during a preliminary hearing. Then again, he also barked at the water fountain on the way into the courtroom, so maybe that’s the murderer?

A German shepherd called 911 when his owner was having a seizure. Then the dog called in an order for two large pizzas with extra sausage while waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

Sources say Celine Dion has 11 bodyguards while on stage. They’re not there in case a deranged fan attacks her; they’re there in case her band attacks her.

The Electronics store Best Buy plans to buy Napster for $121 million in cash. After that, Best Buy plans on joining Friendster.

Brad Pitt donated $100,000 to fight a California initiative that would make same-sex marriages illegal. Pitt is either a real friend to the gay community or he wants to make sure that adopting the world’s orphan population isn’t all on him.

Scientists have discovered that eating too many vegetable-only meals can cause your brain to shrink. And if you eat vegetable-only meals while watching the Hills, your brain completely disappears.

They’re now saying there will be two more Spider Man movies, although the plot lines may be running a bit thin. The next one is just Tobey Maguire getting the Spidey suit let out a few inches.

A Florida judge has ruled it unconstitutional to ban the wearing of saggy pants that show your underwear. Hip hop community - 1. Belts- zero.

According to a new study, children whose parents argue a lot are more likely to have problems, both in school and psychologically. I could have told you that- no you couldn’t have!

Doctors are warning David Blaine that when he hangs upside down above Central Park for 60 hours next week he risks going blind. I should have mentioned, he was planning on masturbating the whole time he was hanging upside down.

Pearl Jam front man and Chicago Cubs fan Eddie Vedder released a song for the team called "All the Way." Likewise, long-time New York Mets fan, Billy Joel fans released a song for his team. That song is called, “How can you blow this again?”

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sources say Sarah Palin's church is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll try giving them 10 minutes with Bristol Palin and see what happens.

Dick Cheney told reporters that he really enjoyed Sarah Palin's joke at the Republican National Convention about the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull. Apparently so- she’s now opening for him at the Dayton Funny Bone, September 25th through the 29th.

Vanity Fair has estimated that would-be First Lady Cindy McCain sported over $300,000 worth of designer clothes at the Republican National Convention. It should be noted that afterwards, Cindy graciously donated all the clothes to her favorite charity, “Republicans Women Wearing Only $200,000 Worth of Designer Clothes”.

John McCain says he’d pay the most well-off members of his cabinet one dollar per year. Said McCain, “if it’s good enough for my gardeners, it’s good enough for my cabinet.”

Barack Obama said in an interview this week that he once considered joining the military. He said ultimately he decided against it after realizing those people really cling to their guns.

While speaking at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Joe Biden said Hillary Clinton was more qualified than he was to be vice president. That’s when the Democrats asked the Republicans if they know of any good places to hide a Vice Presidential nominee until November.

A Jewish services group in Dothan, Alabama is offering Jewish families as much as 50,000 dollars to relocate to the small, overwhelmingly Christian town. Jews nationwide responded to the offer by asking the Christian residents of Dothan, “How much to stay put?”

It is being reported that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are expecting twins, while Jessica Simpson’s twins are expecting stares.

Police responding to calls for help from inside a New Jersey home were surprised to discover that the calls were coming from a cockatoo. Unfortunately, the police left the home before realizing the cockatoo was just mimicking the cries of help from the couple it had just bludgeoned to death.

A freshman at Michigan State University was randomly assigned to the same dorm room his father occupied in 1978. A less fun fact: it’s also the same dorm room from which his mother made her maiden “walk of shame”.

A man in Wisconsin with obsessive-compulsive disorder says that he has eaten 23,000 Big Macs since 1972. Obviously, his obsessive-compulsiveness does not include calorie counting.

A man in Washington state was sentenced to 12 years in prison after admitting that he lured his wife into putting her neck into a noose by telling her that he had set up a haunted house in their garage for Halloween. Authorities believe the women would still be alive today if only she hadn’t chosen “trick” over “treat”.

Prosecutors in Russia want to ban "South Park," calling the cartoon series "extremist" after receiving viewer complaints from religious leaders. If I were Kenny, I’d watch my back.

Polar bears at a zoo in Japan are being turned green because of algae growth in their moat…, NOT because their envious that the grizzly bears have free wi-fi and a pool table in their cave.

A 205-kilowatt photovoltaic solar array was unveiled Tuesday on the roof of the Department of Energy's main building in Washington DC. Kind of makes up for the fact that the Department of Energy keeps its Christmas lights up all year round.

Air New Zealand is offering to pay bald travelers to tattoo ads for their speedy check-in system on their heads. Many have already responded to the call, because there’s nothing sexier than bald sell-out.

MSNBC announced Monday that it is replacing Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews as co-anchors of political coverage with after the two failed to provide impartial reporting during the recent party conventions. The NBC owned network hopes to attract less controversy when it welcomes its new lead political anchor team of Al Roker and Chuck.

In time for the start of the NFL season, All-Pro wide receiver Chad Johnson has legally changed his surname to OchoCinco in recognition of his uniform number. As ridiculous as that seems, it beats his first idea of changing his name to his locker combination.

In a new tell-all book, Brittney Spears' mother reveals her daughter lost her virginity to a high school football star when she was only 14. The book goes on to say that Jamie Lynne Spears, determined not to follow in her sister’s footsteps, lost her virginity at 14 to a high school lacrosse star.

It’s been announced that there will be two more Spider Man movies, although the plot lines may be running a bit thin. The next one is just Tobey Maguire getting the Spidey suit let out a few inches.

This past Sunday, after twelve years and 5124 performances on Broadway, the hit show "Rent'" ended its run. And so begins the show’s next incarnation, “What do you mean we’re not getting our security deposit back?”

Police in Utah say actor Gary Coleman hit a fan with his truck outside a bowling alley after an argument. Police are still trying to determine what the dispute was over and how Coleman reached the gas pedal.

According to new reports, medical students are avoiding careers in general internal medicine, which could exacerbate the US doctor shortage. Thankfully, due to the success and staying power of shows like ER and Gray’s Anatomy, there will be no shortage of fake doctors in the years to come.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

In her speech last night, Governor Palin said “the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull” was “lipstick.” Other than that, they’re very similar, right down to what they name their kids.

Teenage mom Jamie Lynn Spears has sent Governor Palin’s 17-year-old Bristol a baby gift package. The baby gift package included diapers, rattles and Jamie Lynn Spears' baby, Maddie.

A huge hailstorm turned parts of central Kenya white on Wednesday. Residents say they haven’t seen anything so white in their country since Barack Obama came to visit.

In France, new legislation is set to let companies make employees work more than their normal 35-hour work-week. Many French workers have threatened to protest the new law, but not on nights or weekends.

A recent study found that people without televisions are either extremely liberal or ultraconservative. The study also found that people without televisions really like to let you know that they are people without televisions.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

In a rousing speech at the Republican convention tonight, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin fired back at her critics, slammed Barack Obama and shot a moose opposed to drilling in the Arctic Natural Wildlife Refuge.

Palin, the mother of a baby with down syndrome, promised parents of special needs children they would have a friend in the White House in her. With this promise, a single tear rolled down the cheek of Barbara Bush.

Footage has surfaced showing Governor Sarah Palin telling ministry students that the United States sent troops to fight in the Iraq war on a "task that is from God." Who knew she held Cheney in such high regard?

Former President and Chief Executive Officer of eBay also spoke at the Republican Convention last night. An awkward moment came after her speech, when she sold the podium to the highest bidder.


A new study has found men may be genetically predisposed to cheating on their mate. Just what cheating men need: an “I was born this way!” excuse.

The Florida Marlins beat the Atlanta Braves at home in front of a crowd of 600 people. After the game, it was announced the new mascot for the Marlins will be a seat filler.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

President Bush spoke at the Republican convention tonight via satellite. The Republicans were able to keep Bush from appearing live after convincing him the camera adds 10 approval-rating points.

The Republican convention began one day later than its scheduled start. As Bristol Palin says, better late than never.

Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's unwed, pregnant daughter Bristol, will be joining the family of the Alaska Governor at the GOP convention this week. He’ll be the one seated in the ‘no-choice’ section.

On his MySpace Page, the baby’s father describes himself as “a f***ing redneck'”, adding, 'Ya f *** with me I'll kick [your] ass”. Hey, at this point, the Palin family is just relieved to know he’s a republican.


Don LaFontaine, the voice of thousands of movie trailers, has died. This is one funeral…YOU…DON’T…WANT…TO…MISS.
Coming this fall.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Over the weekend, Barack Obama sent a text message out to his supporters saying he’d chosen Joe Biden as his running mate. John McCain says he plans to announce his running mate the old fashioned way; he’s going to text it from a rotary phone.

At the kick-off show to her world tour, Madonna compared John McCain to Hitler. The McCain camp quickly retaliated by comparing Madonna to Madonna.

An Italian priest is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour. At least one priest has taken notice of the #1 reason people are leaving the church: not enough sexy nuns.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Instead of the traditional appearance on a box of Wheaties, Olympic legend Michael Phelps has chosen to appear on boxes of Kellogg's sugar laden Frosted Flakes. It’s all part of Phelp’s plan to make sure every American child grows up too fat to ever challenge his record.

A human rights group reported that more than 200,000 children were spanked in U.S. schools during the past school year. Only half was consensual.

Maudie White Hopkins, the last widow of a confederate army veteran has died, or, ceded from the material world.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for the beer Stampede Light Plus, while her younger sister continues to be the face of a Stampede.

Dozens of people gathered by the Milwaukee River for the unveiling of a statue of "Happy Days" character, the Fonze. The ceremony was briefly interrupted when the statue was attacked and sexually assaulted by a pack of horny sixty year olds.
Pinky Tuscadero is being sought for questioning.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Australian press is reporting that a lost humpback whale calf has bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby, a female Humpback whale is raising a rowboat.

Actor Sylvester Stallone plans to advertise Russian vodka. Stallone is preparing for the commercials by chopping wood, running up snowy embankments, and dragging around rock-filled sleds.

There is now a school in New York for aspiring reality stars. So, if “you want fame? Well, fame costs”, but if you want 15 minutes of fame, well, walk-ins are accepted. Cash only, please.

A new study suggests people on anti-depressants may have impaired driving skills. On the other hand, they don’t take it as personally when you cut them off.

Condoleezza Rice said she hoped to one day see Saudi women competing in the Olympic Games. Saudi men will settle for one day seeing Saudi women.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

China has admitted to having a 9-year old girl lip synch the national anthem in the opening ceremony of the Olympics because the actual singer wasn’t pretty enough. The news came as a shock to the most of the western world, who before this thought they all kind of looked the same.

The image-obsessed China was unapologetic about putting a cuter child on the world stage over the real singer, but did apologize profusely over its women’s softball team for looking so “butch”.

In a statement released today, the real singer, a chubby faced 7 year old with crooked teeth, said she was honored that China used her voice and one day hopes to be ugly enough to be lip-synched professionally.


Republican John McCain's wife has been treated for a "minor sprain" after someone at a campaign event in Michigan shook her hand firmly. Might be time for someone to make the switch to the “terrorist fist jab."

The world’s tallest woman died early Wednesday. The family asks, in lieu of flowers, please send trees.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The ex-mistress of former presidential candidate John Edwards said she will not participate in DNA testing to establish the paternity of her daughter. Close call for Edwards, who was dreading having to choose which strand of hair to yank out for DNA sampling.

Former "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken is a father. The baby has already uttered his first word: “Really?”

A McCain campaign adviser said that Joe Lieberman is being vetted as a potential running mate. Apparently, John McCain is also trying to lose the 2000 election.

In the showcase match-up of the Olympics, the U.S. basketball team swept past hosts China with a final score of 101-70. NBA stars showed their sportsmanship after the game by letting China team members climb up on their shoulders and dunk.

During his seven and a half years in office, President Bush has declared 422 major disasters. Each declaration ended with, “If you think this is bad, wait until you see our response!”

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Greyhound has scrapped an ad campaign that extolled the relaxing upside of bus travel after one of its passengers beheaded and cannibalized another traveler. The ad campaign replacing it will be extolling the virtues of walking.

Scientists have created the world's thinnest balloon, made of a single layer of carbon just one atom thick. The scientists believe the invention can help birthday clowns meet the rising demand for ‘Balloon Nicole Richie’s.’

A new report has found the average time that hospital emergency rooms patients wait to see a doctor is almost one hour. For those without health insurance, it’s one hour and two blackouts.

A new government study says if the trends of the past three decades continue, every American adult could be overweight 40 years from now. Happy America? We’re going to be Canada’s “fat friend”.

A U.S. military jury will allow Osama bin Laden's driver to be eligible for release in just five months. In the meantime, Osama’s just going to have to get used to the idea of pubic transportation.

Monday, August 4, 2008

A new study has found that children have lost touch with the natural world to the point that they are unable to identify common animals. The only thing they do know for sure is that they’re all CGI.

Scientists have found the world's smallest snake. The snake is 4 inches long, thin as a strand of spaghetti and… um, someone please tell these scientists they’ve just discovered the “worm”.

China has announced it will censor the Internet used by foreign media during the Olympics. It’s part of the Chinese government’s effort to encourage the press to hit the streets and experience the oppression first hand.

Paris Hilton's mother is angry with John McCain for featuring her daughter in a political ad that pokes fun of Barak Obama’s celebrity. Paris is also upset, and is even threatening to vote.

US researchers have come up with a pill that mimics the effects of exercise. Common side effects include hounding others about how they can bench and believing that you’re more attractive to the opposite sex than you really are.

Friday, August 1, 2008

The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC. Unfortunately, it’s a “you had to be there” kind of joke.

A member of the Saudi religious police has been accused of having six wives at the same time - two more than allowed under religious laws. Besides being against the law, how does he think this makes the other four wives feel?

At a news conference on Wednesday, comedians Cheech and Chong announced their first comedy tour in 25 years. Several hours later, comedians Cheech and Chong held a news conference to announce their first comedy tour in 25 years.

Australian swimming's glamour couple, Stephanie Rice and Eamon Sullivan, have split up just before the Olympic Games. The two insist their break up will not effect their performance in the relays, though they will no longer be representing Australia in the chicken fighting competition.

Sean Combs new show, "I Want to Work for Diddy," premiers next week on VH1. In the show, Diddy will seek out a personal assistant who can type over 100 new names a minute.

Monday, July 28, 2008

A loyal UPS driver of 20 years who died this week was honored by being driven from the funeral home to the funeral services in his UPS truck. From there, friends and family tearfully watched as the wrong package was lowered into the ground.

The hosting duties for the upcoming Emmy Awards will be shared by five different reality show hosts. The decision to use reality show hosts is already having an effect; today, John Adams just made an alliance with Gossip Girl.

Senator John Warner has expressed interest in the idea of a national speed limit to conserve gasoline. It’s all part of his goal to have everything move as slow as congress.

The written prayer that Barack Obama left last week in the cracks of the Western Wall has been retrieved and published in an Israeli newspaper. The note begins, “Dear Wall, Ever get tired of all the reverence?”

Talking to reporters, Barack Obama insisted he’ll choose his running mate based on ability to govern, not to help win a state in November. So no Obama/Larry The Cable Guy ticket?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Hasbro Inc., the company that owns Scrabble, is suing the creators of the Scrabulous program on Facebook. They couldn’t just “challenge” them?

50 Cent has sued Taco Bell, claiming the fast-food restaurant chain is using his name in their advertising without his permission. Of course, he wouldn’t have this problem if he were named anything over $1.75.

Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse on Wednesday. The question now is, which one will melt down first?

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is scheduled to meet with the Dalai Lama today. McCain says he’s excited to finally have a meeting where he can show up in his bathrobe and not feel out of place.

The national Enquirer claims to have cornered former Presidential candidate John Edwards visiting his mistress and secret love child at a Los Angeles hotel. In other news, Edwards was just endorsed by Bill Clinton.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The office cubicle celebrates its 40th birthday this month. So, if you work in a cubicle and want to get it something special, how about more pictures of your cat. It loves those. Really. Can’t get enough.

The New York Times has rejected an essay that Sen. John McCain wrote defending his Iraq war policy. To add insult to injury, The Times has agreed to publish Sasha Obama’s essay on how she spent her summer vacation.

Sources close to Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign are suggesting he will reveal the name of his vice presidential selection this week. Upon hearing this, half of the possible candidates simultaneously shouted, “Not it!”

A new study shows found that Viagra helped woman on antidepressants have orgasms. That’s one way to cheer them up.

Christian Bale was arrested for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister in London. If only there was a vigilante superhero to stop this sort of thing.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The new Batman movie "The Dark Knight" smashed the record for biggest opening weekend ever, taking in an estimated $155.34 million. Coming in a distant second, but still pulling in a respectable $33 million was “Mamma Mia”, which has to make you wonder how well a “Dark Knight” infused with ABBA songs would have done.

In Texas, a prisoner charged with murder escaped from jail by losing enough weight to climb through an air conditioner vent less then a foot wide. Police are warning residents in the area to be on the lookout for a man in an orange jumpsuit ordering chopped salads but only eating half.

The CW has confirmed that Shannen Doherty will be reprising her role as Brenda Walsh on the upcoming 90210 spinoff, which kind of makes her one of those people who never leaves the zip code that she grew up in.

Rudy Giuliani bought presidential candidate John McCain to a Yankees Game yesterday. Knowing McCain’s physical condition, it probably wasn’t very cool of Yankees fans to try and get the wave going.

A new rule requires chain restaurants in New York to post calorie information next to each menu item. Just to avoid any confusion, a McDonald’s #3 is not just 3 calories.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Michigan man wore a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt to a meeting for sex with an undercover cop he thought was a minor. The man is being charged with one count of attempted child sexual abuse and one count of assuming kids get irony.

Last night, baseball’s greatest took part in the final Major League All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. The most exciting moment of the game was when A-Rod’s wife caught Madonna stealing.

John McCain addressed the annual convention of the NAACP today. It’s all part of his “I think there’s been some kind of mix up” tour.

A plan is set to give hundreds of Denver's homeless tickets to movie theaters while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month. The plan is being met with heavy resistance from homeless advocates who feel August is a shitty month for movies.

Ben & Jerry's are honoring Elton John’s first-ever Vermont performance with a new flavor called, "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road." Coming in a close second, “Boa Pecan”.

Monday, July 14, 2008

It was announced yesterday that Anheuser-Busch has accepted a $52 billion takeover bid from Belgium-based InBev. The deal was expected to be struck months ago, but delays are to be expected when your negotiating table is covered with ping-pong balls and plastic cups.

There are still some kinks to be worked out, as both companies woke up this morning and don’t remember ever making the deal.


Actor Josh Brolin was arrested for getting into a barroom brawl in Shreveport, Louisiana, where he’s filming a movie in which he plays President Bush. When Bush heard this, he said, “I can’t believe they’re making a movie about my twenties.”


Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins, a girl and a boy. It may be too early to call, but both are on the short list to be named People Magazine’s Sexiest Babies of 2008.

Doctors reported that after the twins saw their parents, they immediately stopped crying and high-fived.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Barack Obama says he now regrets putting his daughters under the spotlight for an interview with Access Hollywood. Still, he says he'd rather see them on the next “Real World” than see Jesse Jackson within 50 yards of a microphone.

On a Fox News program, Jesse Jackson made an off-the-record remark that he wanted to cut off Obama's testicles, unaware that a hot microphone picked up the comment. Jesse has apologized for the remark, but just in case, Obama now has four secret service agents assigned exclusively to ball detail.

17 year old Jamie Lee Spears will appear on the cover of OK magazine with her new baby. She said she chose to appear in OK because that’s her favorite word.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dismissed a potential attack by the US as a “funny joke”. Apparently, he hasn’t heard the one about the cowboy who walks into a Baghdad.

New DNA tests have definitively cleared the parents of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. Now the only thing they’re guilty of is going a bit too heavy with the mascara.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Not surprisingly, Barrymore claims things started to fall apart as soon as her AppleCare Plan was up.

The wife of Alex Rodriguez has filed for divorce. So far, the divorce has not effected Alex’s hitting and he still leads the league in On Madonna Percentage.

A new poll has found that pet owners favor John McCain over Barack Obama. The pets themselves also prefer McCain, believing he’s the candidate more likely to support mid-afternoon naps.

Monday, July 7, 2008

A man flew his lawn chair rigged with helium-filled balloons more than 200 miles across the Oregon desert on Saturday. Bye-bye dependency on foreign oil...

NBC Universal and two partners have reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel for $3.5 billion in cash. You fucked up one too many times, Roker.

President Bush defended his decision to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing next month, saying that to boycott the event "would be an affront to the Chinese people", adding, “and you don’t want to piss off the people that write our fortunes.”

Convicted French serial killer Charles Sobhraj, sentenced to life in prison for over 20 murders, is engaged and plans to marry a woman 44 years younger than he is. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath and Bludgeon. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Rockers Bon Jovi will play a free concert in Central Park on July 12… tunnel traffic permitting.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Starbucks is set to close over 600 stores due to a faltering economy. Analysts say this could have a disastrous effect on the third act of over 1200 unfinished screenplays.

A domesticated chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is at large after walking out of the Southern California home where he was raised. As of now, there are no clues as to why he left, only the long shot theory that he got tired of putting the seat down and using a fucking salad fork.

Actor Dennis Haysbert believes his role as the U.S. President on Fox’s 24 may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama. After all, his role as the spokesman for Allstate has helped many African American men realize their dream of selling auto insurance.

A rape charge against Rikki Rockett has been dropped after authorities determined that the Poison drummer was not in the state at the time of the alleged crime. Also, turns out, Rockett isn’t even a dude.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A surprising new study shows that the majority of firearm deaths are from suicide. Jeez. How long is the waiting period for sleeping pills?

The United States leads the world in rates of marijuana and cocaine use, World Health Organization researchers said on Tuesday. How bad is our habit? We just pawned Rhode Island to buy an eight ball.

Astronomers have discovered that Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps that could be heard by any aliens who might be listening. Just in case, on the count of three, everyone yell, “sorry about the noise”.

Former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama talked on the phone Monday morning. The call ended like most of Clinton’s calls: with Bill abruptly hanging up when his wife walked in.

Video game developer Activision released a version of its popular “Guitar Hero” game featuring songs exclusively from Aerosmith. The game’s release was delayed after early testing showed players checking into rehab after every other song.

Monday, June 30, 2008

According to SAG leaders, Hollywood actors could go on strike in July. The bad news is this could mean a lag in movie production. The good news is, if you’re in Hollywood, your waiter will definitely be right with you.

Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay, told reporters he may have fathered another child while separated from the star’s mother. That would make her Lindsay’s half-train wreck.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was sworn in on Sunday after being declared the overwhelming winner of an election widely discredited by violence and intimidation. Still, gotta give him credit for not playing the race card.

A millionaire who held two housekeepers as virtual slaves in her Long Island mansion was sentenced to 11 years in prison. After the sentencing was handed down, the woman turned to the housekeepers and warned, “The place better be clean when I get back.”

Metallica has announced its new album will be titled "Death Magnetic". The album was originally going to be called “Magnetic”, but the band then decided that wasn’t “deathy” enough.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Democrats Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton made a joint appearance today in the New Hampshire town of Unity. If you’re not familiar with Unity, it’s located right between Bittertown and Inyourfaceville.

A Washington woman was sentenced to two years in prison for her role in the infamous Nigerian email check scam. Scam?

Madonna has announced she’s ending her marriage to Guy Ritchie. The material girl has already lined up Paul McCartney’s lawyer and will be using the backup lawyers from her divorce from Sean Penn.

Actor Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame is suing a website over a video of him having sex with a model. Meanwhile, the model is suing Verne Troyer for calling that “sex”.

Today, the German government unveiled a bundle of measures to whip millions of overweight adults and children into shape. Uh oh.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Tomorrow, Bill Gates will end his full-time tenure as Microsoft's leader. A spokesman said Gates will now split his time between his charity foundation and a part-time job at Best Buy to cover beer money.

It’s been confirmed that John McCain has met privately with the head of the Log Cabin Republicans, the gay Republican group. This could only mean one thing: McCain is planning on redecorating his log cabin.

President George W. Bush may soon have a San Francisco sewage plant named after him. This is particularly exciting for Bush since he never expected to be named after anything more than a rest stop.

Sen. Barack Obama has downplayed the idea that he has any type of relationship with actress Scarlett Johansson. Plus, Michelle Obama has already made it clear, “No You Can’t.”

In Miami Beach, police busted up a brothel-on-wheels operation. Police grew suspicious upon reading the vehicle’s bumper sticker, “If you don’t like my driving, how about a hand job?”

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

In an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Barack Obama said he listens to an eclectic mix of music on his iPod while on the campaign trail. John McCain says he tries to as well, but his iPod keeps eating his tapes.

Today, John McCain said only World War III would prompt the Republican presidential candidate to bring back the military draft. That, or one more teenager calling him “Grandpa”.

President Bush is accusing Democrats in Congress of blocking his energy proposals. It seems nothing can give traction to his plan to give polar bears jobs at power plants

A new study shows people may unconsciously change their personality when they switch languages. Habla Español, Seniorita Coulter?

Yesterday, a Brooklyn woman gave birth on a New York City train platform. Many commuters watched the birth take place, but only because it was the least graphic thing happening on the platform at the time.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Months after returning to the radio, Don Imus is once again accused of making racist remarks. Imus defended himself, saying some of his best new staff members hired to shield him against accusations of racism are black.

With a shaky economy, more LA residents are being forced to live in their cars, vans or RVs. On the upside, LA traffic jams will now be called “block parties”.

Pop singer Gary Glitter, serving a three-year term in a Vietnamese prison for child molestation, plans to continue with his unfinished album when freed. Until then, you’ll just have to tide yourself over with that John Wayne Gacy Essentials box set.

Culture Club frontman Boy George's North American summer tour is in doubt after U.S. authorities refused to issue him a visa. Either way, there are still plenty of other reasons to make it out to Great Adventure this summer.

Former President Bill Clinton said through a spokesman today that he is fully committed to helping Barack Obama become president. In response, Barack’s people commented, “Yeah. We’ve noticed.”

Monday, June 23, 2008

The winner of this year’s World's Ugliest Dog contest is Gus, a dog with only three legs, one eye and no hair. And yes, bitches…. he’s single.

A mob of surfers attacked paparazzi trying to photograph actor Matthew McConaughey on a Malibu beach. And, thanks to their bold actions, what Matthew McConaughey looks like on a beach will remain a mystery.

John McCain is offering a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that can deliver power at 30 percent of current costs. Also, anyone that can find his reading glasses gets $20.

In New York, a worker fell while working at the Statue of Liberty. Hey, the inscription doesn't ask anyone to “give us your clumsy”.

An upcoming book about Hugh Hefner claims the Playboy founder once had a gay tryst. If your faith is shaken, it’s important to note that during the gay sex, Hef used Ms. September as a condom.