Monday, January 19, 2009

Pending further investigation, many experts have concluded that U.S. Airways flight 1549 was downed by a flock of geese. After hearing this, President Bush capped off his Presidency by declaring war on pigeons.

Barack Obama's inauguration will have a strong Abraham Lincoln theme, including using the bible Lincoln was sworn in with, a luncheon menu modeled on Lincoln's favorite food, and several racist states ceding from the union.

A 22 year-old woman who is auctioning off her virginity says the bids have gotten as high as 3.8 million dollars. So basically, this economy is going to suck for everyone but hot virgins.

Joseph Brooks, a New York songwriter who won an Academy Award for the Debbie Boone song "You Light Up My Life," is a suspect in five sexual assault cases. In addition, he’s suspected of pretty much ruining the song, "You Light Up My Life," for five women.

Amy Winehouse told a British paper this week that she has a new boyfriend, and that when she’s with him, “she doesn’t need drugs”, which sounded encouraging until it was discovered that this new boyfriend was made out of crack.

A new "flirting course" is being offered to aspiring IT engineers at Potsdam University in Germany, where they will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and e-mails, how to impress people at parties and how to cope with rejection. So, it’s basically a class on how to cope with rejection.

A 107 year-old Chinese woman, who never married, says she is ready for a husband now. Unfortunately, her choices have narrowed a bit, as she prefers older men.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Apple announced this week that CEO Steve Jobs was once again paid 1 dollar in salary last year. No wonder the guy is starving.

Plastic surgeons in New York City are saying that as the economy worsens the demand for breast implants has dropped. Makes sense, considering it was artificial bubbles that got us into this mess in the first place.

A rock singer in England has been hiccupping for 22 straight months, in what might be God’s most unsubtle way of saying, “maybe you’d be happier playing bass.”

A man in Atlanta, who had built a replica of the White House, is now selling it because of the downturn in the economy. In other news, the McCains just bought their eighth home.

It was reported this week that Laura Bush has signed a deal to publish a memoir that will encompass her recollections of personal and historical moments. The working title of the book is, “Picking out china patterns while my husband drives the country off a cliff.”

The White House said that the idea for the gathering of all the living presidents for lunch on Wednesday came from Barack Obama. It was a group decision, however, to make George W. sit at the kiddie table.

In an interview on Fox News Sunday, former President George H.W. Bush said that he would like to see his other son, Jeb, win the presidency someday, though he’ll settle for him not ruining the country.