Monday, November 24, 2008

During an interview with 60 Minutes, Barack Obama talked about getting a hypoallergenic dog for his family as well as the possibility of his mother-law moving into the White House with them. Oh my God, we’ve elected a sitcom premise.

Debby, the world's oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a Canadian zoo at the age of 42. Sadly, she died without anyone ever knowing her real name was not Debby, but Fran.

Drug dealing on the website Craigslist has become so rampant that New York's special narcotics prosecutor has asked the site to curb the thinly veiled ads that use code words to sell drugs. Good news for people who genuinely do only want to buy tickets to the “420” foot high “ski lift” on “meth mountain”.

At a gay rights rally this weekend in California, comedian Wanda Sykes revealed that she is a lesbian, while comedian Carrot Top revealed he’s actually a carrot bottom.

The Postal Service announced this week they will be reducing employee work hours and instituting a program which would push 150,000 employees into early retirement,… you know, just in case you forgot where the term “going postal” came from.

Oral Roberts University announced this week that it will lay off about 100 employees. It’s cool though. I hear Oral gives great severance.

In Germany, scientists have uncovered a 4600 year-old grave containing a man, woman and two children. It is believed to be the oldest evidence of people living as a family and the longest any couple has ever stayed together for the sake of the children.

In an interview in the New Yorker, Prince reveals that since he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses two years ago he has started knocking on doors to preach the work of his Christian denomination. Leave it to the Jehovah's Witnesses’ to make Prince showing up at your door a bad thing.

Senator Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in the Senate, on Tuesday narrowly lost his reelection bid. The people of Alaska have spoken, and they have “narrowly” chosen the guy who isn’t an 85-year-old convicted felon.

In a message posted Wednesday, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, insulted Barack Obama, calling him a "house negro." It should be noted that he said this only after scanning the room to make sure there weren’t any black dudes around.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ninety year-old Edith Shain, the woman from the famed 1945 Times Square picture of her being kissed by a sailor, was in New York this week to serve as a grand marshal in this week's Veterans Day Parade. Thousands of sailors attended the parade to see if she still puts out.

In the week since the Presidential election, the names Barack, Obama, Michele, Malia, and Sasha have become increasingly popular baby names. So…in your face, Piper!

Friends of Michelle Obama say that her first priority as she comes to Washington will be her two daughters, and not being "co-president", though Sasha Obama is rumored to have her eye on the “Secretary of Teddy Bear Slumber Parties” post.

Barack Obama on Monday visited the White House and was given a tour of the Oval Office by President Bush. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney graciously gave Joe Biden a tour of Castle Grayskull.

This week, Saudi Arabia presided over a two-day UN conference on religious tolerance, which was going pretty well, until the Jews showed up.

Writer Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez theorized that Barack Obama won the Presidency in part because of the "Huxtable effect," in which the hit 80s sitcom, “The Cosby Show”, helped young voters get over racial stereotypes. She also theorized that the “Mr. Roper” effect didn’t do John McCain any favors.

The stick, which a child can make into anything using their imagination, was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame last week. Next year pile of dirt. Next year.

Many people in Africa have high expectations for Barack Obama's presidency and believe he will be able to solve many of the continent’s problems. After all, Africa has done so well with other black leaders in the past.

A man in Japan has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying that he feels more at ease in the "two-dimensional world." Dude, step away from the henatia porn.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Some aides to John McCain say that they are not happy that Sarah Palin has been going "off-script" at campaign rallies and are concerned over what they describe as her “rogue” behavior. Man, it’s almost like she’s turned into some kind of maverick.

Many political insiders think that regardless of the outcome of the election, Sarah Palin could be the future of the Republican Party, assuming nobody foxier comes along.

Sarah Palin turned out to be one of the most popular costumes this Halloween, which is surprising, since the costume was sold exclusively at Saks and Neiman Marcus.

A man in Japan set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married rather than go through with the ceremony. The man now faces 10 to 20 years in “not” marriage.

A new line of Italian wines based on the hit series the Sopranos will be launched in the US this fall. This might explain the recent rise in grape whackings.

The City Council of Atlantic City has voted to lift the less-than-2-week-old ban on smoking in casinos. Hey Atlantic City- how does it feel to know Keith Richards once quit smoking longer than you did?