Monday, August 25, 2008

Over the weekend, Barack Obama sent a text message out to his supporters saying he’d chosen Joe Biden as his running mate. John McCain says he plans to announce his running mate the old fashioned way; he’s going to text it from a rotary phone.

At the kick-off show to her world tour, Madonna compared John McCain to Hitler. The McCain camp quickly retaliated by comparing Madonna to Madonna.

An Italian priest is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour. At least one priest has taken notice of the #1 reason people are leaving the church: not enough sexy nuns.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Instead of the traditional appearance on a box of Wheaties, Olympic legend Michael Phelps has chosen to appear on boxes of Kellogg's sugar laden Frosted Flakes. It’s all part of Phelp’s plan to make sure every American child grows up too fat to ever challenge his record.

A human rights group reported that more than 200,000 children were spanked in U.S. schools during the past school year. Only half was consensual.

Maudie White Hopkins, the last widow of a confederate army veteran has died, or, ceded from the material world.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for the beer Stampede Light Plus, while her younger sister continues to be the face of a Stampede.

Dozens of people gathered by the Milwaukee River for the unveiling of a statue of "Happy Days" character, the Fonze. The ceremony was briefly interrupted when the statue was attacked and sexually assaulted by a pack of horny sixty year olds.
Pinky Tuscadero is being sought for questioning.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Australian press is reporting that a lost humpback whale calf has bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby, a female Humpback whale is raising a rowboat.

Actor Sylvester Stallone plans to advertise Russian vodka. Stallone is preparing for the commercials by chopping wood, running up snowy embankments, and dragging around rock-filled sleds.

There is now a school in New York for aspiring reality stars. So, if “you want fame? Well, fame costs”, but if you want 15 minutes of fame, well, walk-ins are accepted. Cash only, please.

A new study suggests people on anti-depressants may have impaired driving skills. On the other hand, they don’t take it as personally when you cut them off.

Condoleezza Rice said she hoped to one day see Saudi women competing in the Olympic Games. Saudi men will settle for one day seeing Saudi women.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

China has admitted to having a 9-year old girl lip synch the national anthem in the opening ceremony of the Olympics because the actual singer wasn’t pretty enough. The news came as a shock to the most of the western world, who before this thought they all kind of looked the same.

The image-obsessed China was unapologetic about putting a cuter child on the world stage over the real singer, but did apologize profusely over its women’s softball team for looking so “butch”.

In a statement released today, the real singer, a chubby faced 7 year old with crooked teeth, said she was honored that China used her voice and one day hopes to be ugly enough to be lip-synched professionally.


Republican John McCain's wife has been treated for a "minor sprain" after someone at a campaign event in Michigan shook her hand firmly. Might be time for someone to make the switch to the “terrorist fist jab."

The world’s tallest woman died early Wednesday. The family asks, in lieu of flowers, please send trees.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The ex-mistress of former presidential candidate John Edwards said she will not participate in DNA testing to establish the paternity of her daughter. Close call for Edwards, who was dreading having to choose which strand of hair to yank out for DNA sampling.

Former "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken is a father. The baby has already uttered his first word: “Really?”

A McCain campaign adviser said that Joe Lieberman is being vetted as a potential running mate. Apparently, John McCain is also trying to lose the 2000 election.

In the showcase match-up of the Olympics, the U.S. basketball team swept past hosts China with a final score of 101-70. NBA stars showed their sportsmanship after the game by letting China team members climb up on their shoulders and dunk.

During his seven and a half years in office, President Bush has declared 422 major disasters. Each declaration ended with, “If you think this is bad, wait until you see our response!”

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Greyhound has scrapped an ad campaign that extolled the relaxing upside of bus travel after one of its passengers beheaded and cannibalized another traveler. The ad campaign replacing it will be extolling the virtues of walking.

Scientists have created the world's thinnest balloon, made of a single layer of carbon just one atom thick. The scientists believe the invention can help birthday clowns meet the rising demand for ‘Balloon Nicole Richie’s.’

A new report has found the average time that hospital emergency rooms patients wait to see a doctor is almost one hour. For those without health insurance, it’s one hour and two blackouts.

A new government study says if the trends of the past three decades continue, every American adult could be overweight 40 years from now. Happy America? We’re going to be Canada’s “fat friend”.

A U.S. military jury will allow Osama bin Laden's driver to be eligible for release in just five months. In the meantime, Osama’s just going to have to get used to the idea of pubic transportation.

Monday, August 4, 2008

A new study has found that children have lost touch with the natural world to the point that they are unable to identify common animals. The only thing they do know for sure is that they’re all CGI.

Scientists have found the world's smallest snake. The snake is 4 inches long, thin as a strand of spaghetti and… um, someone please tell these scientists they’ve just discovered the “worm”.

China has announced it will censor the Internet used by foreign media during the Olympics. It’s part of the Chinese government’s effort to encourage the press to hit the streets and experience the oppression first hand.

Paris Hilton's mother is angry with John McCain for featuring her daughter in a political ad that pokes fun of Barak Obama’s celebrity. Paris is also upset, and is even threatening to vote.

US researchers have come up with a pill that mimics the effects of exercise. Common side effects include hounding others about how they can bench and believing that you’re more attractive to the opposite sex than you really are.

Friday, August 1, 2008

The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC. Unfortunately, it’s a “you had to be there” kind of joke.

A member of the Saudi religious police has been accused of having six wives at the same time - two more than allowed under religious laws. Besides being against the law, how does he think this makes the other four wives feel?

At a news conference on Wednesday, comedians Cheech and Chong announced their first comedy tour in 25 years. Several hours later, comedians Cheech and Chong held a news conference to announce their first comedy tour in 25 years.

Australian swimming's glamour couple, Stephanie Rice and Eamon Sullivan, have split up just before the Olympic Games. The two insist their break up will not effect their performance in the relays, though they will no longer be representing Australia in the chicken fighting competition.

Sean Combs new show, "I Want to Work for Diddy," premiers next week on VH1. In the show, Diddy will seek out a personal assistant who can type over 100 new names a minute.