China has admitted to having a 9-year old girl lip synch the national anthem in the opening ceremony of the Olympics because the actual singer wasn’t pretty enough. The news came as a shock to the most of the western world, who before this thought they all kind of looked the same.

The image-obsessed China was unapologetic about putting a cuter child on the world stage over the real singer, but did apologize profusely over its women’s softball team for looking so “butch”.

In a statement released today, the real singer, a chubby faced 7 year old with crooked teeth, said she was honored that China used her voice and one day hopes to be ugly enough to be lip-synched professionally.

**

Republican John McCain's wife has been treated for a "minor sprain" after someone at a campaign event in Michigan shook her hand firmly. Might be time for someone to make the switch to the “terrorist fist jab."

The world’s tallest woman died early Wednesday. The family asks, in lieu of flowers, please send trees.