Friday, June 29, 2007

A Plug That Won't Matter Tomorrow

My joke is the Joke of the Week in the current issue of Time Out New York.

The photo was taken by Lisa Whiteman. She knows just how to bring out the pouty in me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Coney Island’s famed Cyclone roller coaster is turning 80. Even scarier, the hamster powering it just turned 90.

Hugh Hefner's life is set to become a feature film. At this time, no one is signed on to play Hef, though several thousand actors have expressed interest in playing the role of his penis.

A spokesman for Paul McCartney said he will play a "surprise" concert at a Los Angeles record store on Wednesday. The agent also dropped a reminder that Sir Paul is also available for graduations and Bar Mitzvahs.

Rosie O'Donnell says she's will not replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right", though O'Donnell is still in talks to replace the evil clown in my nightmares.

Elwood, a 2-year-old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix, was crowned the world's ugliest dog. Don’t feel bad. They told him it was the World’s Greatest Leg-Humper competition.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Presidential candidate John Edwards returned to the signature theme of "two Americas" from his unsuccessful 2004 White House bid. Advisores felt the theme promoting economic equality struck a cord with voters more so than the theme he later adopted that year, “I’m with Fancypants Horseface”.

The 15-year-old son of two doctors successfully performed a caesarean section birth under his parents' watch in southern India. Most awkward way to learn where babies come from ever.

A lake in southern Chile has mysteriously disappeared. Many speculate the ground simply opened up and swallowed it whole, while a smaller contingent holds fast to the “Al Gore Cannonball” theory.

A new study claims that firstborn sons have higher IQs than their younger brothers. This would explain why throughout their childhood, younger brothers are constantly striking themselves, while their older, wiser brothers ask repeatedly, “why you hitting, yourself? Why you hitting yourself?”

The nation's largest doctors' group wants to have video game addiction officially classified as a psychiatric disorder. Would've been nice two decades ago when I lost everything that was dear to me for Qbert.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Heavy metal band Motley Crue filed a 20 million dollar lawsuit against their manager on Monday, accusing him of "poor career guidance”. Also being sued for poor career guidance? The salesperson that kept selling the band leather pants after they hit forty.

An experimental anti-poverty program in New York is rewarding poor residents with cash for good behavior. This program replaces an older, similar program commonly know as “a job”.

The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers. So, just to be clear, it’s no longer okay to rear-end thy neighbor's wife.

Tiger Woods’ wife gave birth to their first child on Monday. Sam Alexis Wood was born at 8 ½ pounds and came in at four pushes under par.

A new survey shows Moscow is the world's most expensive city to live in, and interestingly enough, also the most expensive city to be poisoned in.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Bob Barker has endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as a possible successor on "The Price Is Right". Barker says he’s looking for a replacement that would encourage dogs to neuter themselves.

A toddler who was served a margarita at an Applebee's last week is said to be doing well. The four people he hit driving his tricycle home, however, are still in critical condition.

A prescription pill bottle belonging to Elvis Presley was auctioned off for $2,640. Sources say Rush Limbaugh demanded his money back after discovering the bottle was empty.

Iraq is the world's second most unstable country, according to a recent survey. According to a recent President Bush, it’s Candy Land.

Duke University has reached an undisclosed financial settlement with three former lacrosse players falsely accused of raping a stripper. Adding insult to injury, the settlement will be paid out in singles.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Been too busy to write any jokes this week. Not even sure what's going on in the world. Are we still at war with Paris Hilton?

Thursday, June 7, 2007

In Pennsylvania, a bear tried to pull a Girl Scout out of her tent during a troop camping trip. The Girl Scout narrowly escaped, but the bear did not, and is marked down for a dozen boxes of Samoas, six boxes of Thin Mints and four boxes of Do-si-dos.

Larry and Laurie David are separating. The couple issued a joint statement saying the split is amicable, with Laurie wanting to spend more time raising awareness of global warming, and Larry wanting to spend more time raising awareness of drafty seats in Los Angles based restaurants.

In light of the ongoing drought, Los Angeles is urging residents to cut down on their use of water. Lindsay Lohan has already generously pledged to shower in Grey Goose until the drought is over.

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released because of a medical condition. Doctor’s are said to be working around the clock to dislodge the silver spoon from Paris’ throat.

A top backer of John McCain’s presidential campaign quit over the candidate’s stance on immigration. McCain’s camp plans to replace the backer with a cheaper backer willing to do the stuff his former backer didn’t want to do.