Monday, May 28, 2007

Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.

Investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene of Lindsay Lohan’s car crash on Saturday. Judge her all you want; at least she can still afford coke after filling up her tank.

Paul McCartney’s video for a track off his new album debuted on YouTube. Unfortunately, Paul says he won’t get to see it, as he does not get that channel.

Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast food chains are suing rival Jack In The Box to stop running ads suggesting they use cow anus to make Angus beef hamburgers. Meanwhile, cows are suing Carl’s Jr. and Hardees for making it sound like their burgers taste better than a cow’s anus.

This year’s top Cannes award, the Palme d'Or, went to Romanian film about abortion. While it was the judge’s top pick, many disturbed audience members exited during the film’s first trimester.

Monday, May 21, 2007

This week, Star Wars celebrates its 30th anniversary. Funny. Doesn’t feel like I’ve been sleeping on Wookie bed sheets that long.

Chocolate maker Mars has reversed its recent decision to use trace amounts of animal products in its chocolate bars after the announcement caused an uproar with vegetarians. The company now promises to use only trace amounts of chocolate in its new Mars Meat Bars.

Last month, US authorities rejected 257 Chinese food shipments due to food safety standards. That must suck. My delivery guy gives me attitude when he has to bike back two blocks because they forgot my dumplings.

A White House spokesman called former president and Bush critic Jimmy Carter "increasingly irrelevant" yesterday. Carter can take solace in the fact that he now holds a place in Bush’s mind alongside the UN, Congress, and reason.

Congressional Democrats plan to pull the plug on abstinence-only sex education when a $50 million grant expires in June. The move has sparked outrage among social conservative groups, whose only hope to prevent sex now is to encourage marriage.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

A woman who coached her children to fake mental retardation to collect disability benefits was sentenced to three years in prison on Thursday. Apparently, coaching her lawyer to fake mental retardation did not work out so well either.

The White House and lawmakers agreed today on a sweeping immigration plan to grant legal status to millions of illegal immigrants. They’re letting California join the union!

Former vice president Al Gore says he has "fallen out of love with politics", though he does admit that things between him and Hostess’ cream-filled cupcakes are still going hot and heavy.

Anheuser-Busch said it plans to stop selling its new malt beverage, Spykes, a product that critics claim appeals to underage drinkers. The company says it will still continue to sell beer, a product it is sure appeals to underage drinkers.

The famous island prison Alcatraz has gone under $3.5-million in renovations. Paris Hilton has already requested a room with a seaside view.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

For the second straight year, Miami drivers have earned the city the title of worst “road rage”. A little less surprising- Miami was also named the city with the worst “raft rage”.

Popular online social network MySpace said it has identified, removed and blocked "a few thousand" user profiles of convicted sex offenders. Regular pervs, however, can still count as friends.

Author J.K. Rowling appealed to people to leave the ending of the final Harry Potter book as a surprise. President Bush has asked for the same in respect to the war in Iraq.

President Bush has named a senior general to be the first American "war tsar". Lt Gen Douglas Lute is expected to co-ordinate the ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well explain to the President what happened to the “Z” in tsar.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Bald Eagle population has reached its highest level since World War II, and may soon be removed from the endangered species list. What a relief. Bush was this close to making Harriet Myers our national bird.

Starting today, the defense department is blocking access to YouTube and MySpace to all soldiers serving overseas. In other news, army recruitment just dropped 100%.

Donald Trump became a grandfather over the weekend. The Don was so excited to welcome a new member into his family, he agreed to let the kid slide on staying at one of his properties rent-free for nine months.

At a ceremony marking the 400th anniversary of Jamestown, President Bush directed an orchestra during part of its performance of "Stars and Stripes Forever." After Bush gave back the baton to the conductor and walked away, the concert fell into chaos with the string, brass and percussion sections all battling for control of the orchestra.

President Bush has demanded action on his plan to cut U.S. gasoline use by 20 percent by 2017. Bush is already doing his part; today, he refused to pick up one of his appointees from the witness stand.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A new survey has found that Katrina has dropped off the top one-hundred list of baby names. The only less popular baby girl names today: Browny and Fema.

Singer and activist Sheryl Crow has adopted a baby boy. Not just any baby boy; this kid runs on solar power. 

A new study shows the U.S. divorce rate is the lowest it’s been since 1970. This means only one thing; Liz Taylor needs to start dating again. 

The Motion Picture Assn. of America Filmmakers has decided to consider film depictions of smoking among the criteria for assigning movie ratings. This decision has been rated FR for fucking ridiculous. 

Sources within the Pentagon say that the biggest obstacle for U.S. military recruiters today is parents. Specifically, the parents of Barbara and Jenna Bush.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

JetBlue removed its founder and chief executive David Neeleman after major service problems over the last few months. Neeleman’s departure is expected to be delayed between 9 to 12 hours.

Concert-goers attending the Boston Pops were caught off-guard when a fight broke out on opening night at Symphony Hall. Apparently, the season ticket holders don’t want to hear the band do “Freebird” as much as the rest of us.

The stars of "Ocean's Thirteen" have announced they plan to use their film to call attention to the genocide in Darfur. Just what Darfur needs to turn things around; inside jokes between George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Researchers have linked oral sex to throat cancer. Bad news for blow jobs, good news for anal sex.

The United States filed charges of conspiracy against Osama bin Laden’s driver. Also, the CIA released a statement saying they've gotten some hot new leads on the whereabouts of bin Laden’s tailor.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville ejected O.J. Simpson from his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, the other customers were uncomfortable with OJ stabbing people with a steak knife while they were trying to eat.

Today in Iraq, Vice president Dick Cheney urged that Iraq's parliament abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting. Tomorrow, Cheney flies back to Washington where he'll try to urge President Bush to abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting.

At a Time magazine dinner for the 100 most influential people, George Lucas called Spiderman 3 “silly”. Sources say Jar Jar Binks whole heartily agreed.

Ann Coulter stated that Barack Obama’s lead over Republican presidential hopefuls in the polls could help al-Qaida. She also stated that a good showing by John Edwards in the polls could help Carson Kressley.

At a fundraiser yesterday, Barack Obama told a crowd that 10,000 people had died in the Kansas tornadoes, when really only 12 were killed. Shortly after his inaccurate statement, 9,988 Obama supporters in Kansas killed themselves so he could save face.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Ty Pennington, host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested for drunk driving. Man, this guy will do anything to get community service.

The "CBS Evening News" recorded its smallest audience since 1987 last week. Katie’s not even trying anymore. Last night, her lead story was how her make-up girl sometimes smells like cheese.

The Pentagon has notified more than 35,000 Army soldiers to be prepare for deployment. And that’s just to New Jersey.

ABC has set an end date for its enormously popular show, "Lost." The timeline was then vetoed by President Bush.

A TV station run by Hamas is airing broadcasts of a militant Mickey Mouse preaching for the destruction of the US and Israel. This is not going to make Goofy’s stay at Gitmo any easier.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Today, Queen Elizabeth II will be attending a succession of ceremonies at the White House, including a special white tie dinner. It was said the President agreed to the white tie dinner only after receiving assurance that some black ties would be there too, just so no one gets the wrong impression.

The Queen’s visit will begin with a 21-gun salute, and end with her majesty walking out in a huff after Bush asked if her husband ever hooks her up with free Whoppers.


In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, Paris Hilton described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted. Then she requested a cell with a sunroof within walking distance to Barney’s.

Gasoline prices have surged to a record nationwide average of $3.07 per gallon. Gas is getting so expensive, Nicole Richie has vowed to only drive hybrid cars drunk.

An Oregon boy went to the doctor with an earache and found out he had spiders living in his ear. The spiders did not give him any special superpowers, though they did manage to scare away his cooties.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Iran's foreign minister walked out of a dinner of diplomats where he was seated directly across from Condoleezza Rice, saying the female violinist entertaining the gathering was dressed too revealingly. He also wasn’t terribly comfortable with Condi playing footsies with him.

Paris Hilton arrived at court 10 minutes late today for her probation violation hearing, though it really wasn’t her fault; the traffic getting out of her bedroom was ridiculous.

The famous Dodge Charger from "The Dukes of Hazzard" has sold via an Internet auction for an astonishing 9.9 million dollars, which is crazy, considering the doors don’t even work.

If the typical stay-at-home mother were paid for her work for the roles she fills as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among others, she would earn $138,095 a year. And, if she’s still putting out, that figures almost doubles.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is getting Secret Service protection, the earliest a candidate has ever received it. Then again, who knows what Hillary is capable of.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

A historian claims to have stumbled upon the identity of Jack the Ripper, the notorious Victorian serial killer who murdered at least five East London prostitutes in 1888. Finally, longtime suspect, Jack Hooker Slasher’s good name has been cleared.

Politicians in the Iraq parliament are planning on a two-month recess this summer starting this July. When he heard about the Iraq government’s vacation plans, President Bush said two can play at this, and sent 2000 more troops into the Green Zone for Spring Break.
Sniper Shots for everyone!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will meet Syrian officials today for the first high-level talks between the two countries in years. Of course, you know when they’re meeting with Condi, they’re thinking of Nancy…

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said more guns on college campuses is not the way to prevent campus violence. This may also be the reason Cheney doesn’t get asked to do a lot of commencement speeches.

Don Imus is planning on suing CBS for $40 million. Though 40 million won’t bring back his radio show, it will enable him to finally ho’ proof his ranch.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Britney Spears performed for the first time in more than three years yesterday, and, just to prove she’s still got it, during her encore she flashed her vag while both her infants crawled around backstage unattended.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been accused of indecency after he publicly kissed the hand of his former schoolteacher. He may have kissed her on the lips too, but he couldn’t pry Richard Gere off her.

A Napa Valley Hotel has replaced the Bible usually found in the nightstand drawer with a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth''. The hotel made the decision after many guests requested something to read that made them feel more doomed than the Bible.

New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine has voluntarily paid a $46 fine for violating state law by not wearing a seat belt during his recent car crash. No word yet if former Governor McGreevy plans on repaying the $79 in tolls he blew off while chasing truckers up and down the Garden State Parkway.

Recently, Ashlee Simpson told Cosmopolitan magazine, "I feel very confident with the way I look". And in the end, isn’t that all that matters after tens of thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery?