Monday, July 28, 2008

A loyal UPS driver of 20 years who died this week was honored by being driven from the funeral home to the funeral services in his UPS truck. From there, friends and family tearfully watched as the wrong package was lowered into the ground.

The hosting duties for the upcoming Emmy Awards will be shared by five different reality show hosts. The decision to use reality show hosts is already having an effect; today, John Adams just made an alliance with Gossip Girl.

Senator John Warner has expressed interest in the idea of a national speed limit to conserve gasoline. It’s all part of his goal to have everything move as slow as congress.

The written prayer that Barack Obama left last week in the cracks of the Western Wall has been retrieved and published in an Israeli newspaper. The note begins, “Dear Wall, Ever get tired of all the reverence?”

Talking to reporters, Barack Obama insisted he’ll choose his running mate based on ability to govern, not to help win a state in November. So no Obama/Larry The Cable Guy ticket?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Hasbro Inc., the company that owns Scrabble, is suing the creators of the Scrabulous program on Facebook. They couldn’t just “challenge” them?

50 Cent has sued Taco Bell, claiming the fast-food restaurant chain is using his name in their advertising without his permission. Of course, he wouldn’t have this problem if he were named anything over $1.75.

Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse on Wednesday. The question now is, which one will melt down first?

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is scheduled to meet with the Dalai Lama today. McCain says he’s excited to finally have a meeting where he can show up in his bathrobe and not feel out of place.

The national Enquirer claims to have cornered former Presidential candidate John Edwards visiting his mistress and secret love child at a Los Angeles hotel. In other news, Edwards was just endorsed by Bill Clinton.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The office cubicle celebrates its 40th birthday this month. So, if you work in a cubicle and want to get it something special, how about more pictures of your cat. It loves those. Really. Can’t get enough.

The New York Times has rejected an essay that Sen. John McCain wrote defending his Iraq war policy. To add insult to injury, The Times has agreed to publish Sasha Obama’s essay on how she spent her summer vacation.

Sources close to Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign are suggesting he will reveal the name of his vice presidential selection this week. Upon hearing this, half of the possible candidates simultaneously shouted, “Not it!”

A new study shows found that Viagra helped woman on antidepressants have orgasms. That’s one way to cheer them up.

Christian Bale was arrested for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister in London. If only there was a vigilante superhero to stop this sort of thing.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The new Batman movie "The Dark Knight" smashed the record for biggest opening weekend ever, taking in an estimated $155.34 million. Coming in a distant second, but still pulling in a respectable $33 million was “Mamma Mia”, which has to make you wonder how well a “Dark Knight” infused with ABBA songs would have done.

In Texas, a prisoner charged with murder escaped from jail by losing enough weight to climb through an air conditioner vent less then a foot wide. Police are warning residents in the area to be on the lookout for a man in an orange jumpsuit ordering chopped salads but only eating half.

The CW has confirmed that Shannen Doherty will be reprising her role as Brenda Walsh on the upcoming 90210 spinoff, which kind of makes her one of those people who never leaves the zip code that she grew up in.

Rudy Giuliani bought presidential candidate John McCain to a Yankees Game yesterday. Knowing McCain’s physical condition, it probably wasn’t very cool of Yankees fans to try and get the wave going.

A new rule requires chain restaurants in New York to post calorie information next to each menu item. Just to avoid any confusion, a McDonald’s #3 is not just 3 calories.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Michigan man wore a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt to a meeting for sex with an undercover cop he thought was a minor. The man is being charged with one count of attempted child sexual abuse and one count of assuming kids get irony.

Last night, baseball’s greatest took part in the final Major League All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. The most exciting moment of the game was when A-Rod’s wife caught Madonna stealing.

John McCain addressed the annual convention of the NAACP today. It’s all part of his “I think there’s been some kind of mix up” tour.

A plan is set to give hundreds of Denver's homeless tickets to movie theaters while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month. The plan is being met with heavy resistance from homeless advocates who feel August is a shitty month for movies.

Ben & Jerry's are honoring Elton John’s first-ever Vermont performance with a new flavor called, "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road." Coming in a close second, “Boa Pecan”.

Monday, July 14, 2008

It was announced yesterday that Anheuser-Busch has accepted a $52 billion takeover bid from Belgium-based InBev. The deal was expected to be struck months ago, but delays are to be expected when your negotiating table is covered with ping-pong balls and plastic cups.

There are still some kinks to be worked out, as both companies woke up this morning and don’t remember ever making the deal.


Actor Josh Brolin was arrested for getting into a barroom brawl in Shreveport, Louisiana, where he’s filming a movie in which he plays President Bush. When Bush heard this, he said, “I can’t believe they’re making a movie about my twenties.”


Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins, a girl and a boy. It may be too early to call, but both are on the short list to be named People Magazine’s Sexiest Babies of 2008.

Doctors reported that after the twins saw their parents, they immediately stopped crying and high-fived.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Barack Obama says he now regrets putting his daughters under the spotlight for an interview with Access Hollywood. Still, he says he'd rather see them on the next “Real World” than see Jesse Jackson within 50 yards of a microphone.

On a Fox News program, Jesse Jackson made an off-the-record remark that he wanted to cut off Obama's testicles, unaware that a hot microphone picked up the comment. Jesse has apologized for the remark, but just in case, Obama now has four secret service agents assigned exclusively to ball detail.

17 year old Jamie Lee Spears will appear on the cover of OK magazine with her new baby. She said she chose to appear in OK because that’s her favorite word.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dismissed a potential attack by the US as a “funny joke”. Apparently, he hasn’t heard the one about the cowboy who walks into a Baghdad.

New DNA tests have definitively cleared the parents of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. Now the only thing they’re guilty of is going a bit too heavy with the mascara.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Not surprisingly, Barrymore claims things started to fall apart as soon as her AppleCare Plan was up.

The wife of Alex Rodriguez has filed for divorce. So far, the divorce has not effected Alex’s hitting and he still leads the league in On Madonna Percentage.

A new poll has found that pet owners favor John McCain over Barack Obama. The pets themselves also prefer McCain, believing he’s the candidate more likely to support mid-afternoon naps.

Monday, July 7, 2008

A man flew his lawn chair rigged with helium-filled balloons more than 200 miles across the Oregon desert on Saturday. Bye-bye dependency on foreign oil...

NBC Universal and two partners have reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel for $3.5 billion in cash. You fucked up one too many times, Roker.

President Bush defended his decision to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing next month, saying that to boycott the event "would be an affront to the Chinese people", adding, “and you don’t want to piss off the people that write our fortunes.”

Convicted French serial killer Charles Sobhraj, sentenced to life in prison for over 20 murders, is engaged and plans to marry a woman 44 years younger than he is. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath and Bludgeon. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Rockers Bon Jovi will play a free concert in Central Park on July 12… tunnel traffic permitting.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Starbucks is set to close over 600 stores due to a faltering economy. Analysts say this could have a disastrous effect on the third act of over 1200 unfinished screenplays.

A domesticated chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is at large after walking out of the Southern California home where he was raised. As of now, there are no clues as to why he left, only the long shot theory that he got tired of putting the seat down and using a fucking salad fork.

Actor Dennis Haysbert believes his role as the U.S. President on Fox’s 24 may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama. After all, his role as the spokesman for Allstate has helped many African American men realize their dream of selling auto insurance.

A rape charge against Rikki Rockett has been dropped after authorities determined that the Poison drummer was not in the state at the time of the alleged crime. Also, turns out, Rockett isn’t even a dude.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A surprising new study shows that the majority of firearm deaths are from suicide. Jeez. How long is the waiting period for sleeping pills?

The United States leads the world in rates of marijuana and cocaine use, World Health Organization researchers said on Tuesday. How bad is our habit? We just pawned Rhode Island to buy an eight ball.

Astronomers have discovered that Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps that could be heard by any aliens who might be listening. Just in case, on the count of three, everyone yell, “sorry about the noise”.

Former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama talked on the phone Monday morning. The call ended like most of Clinton’s calls: with Bill abruptly hanging up when his wife walked in.

Video game developer Activision released a version of its popular “Guitar Hero” game featuring songs exclusively from Aerosmith. The game’s release was delayed after early testing showed players checking into rehab after every other song.