Starbucks is set to close over 600 stores due to a faltering economy. Analysts say this could have a disastrous effect on the third act of over 1200 unfinished screenplays.

A domesticated chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is at large after walking out of the Southern California home where he was raised. As of now, there are no clues as to why he left, only the long shot theory that he got tired of putting the seat down and using a fucking salad fork.

Actor Dennis Haysbert believes his role as the U.S. President on Fox’s 24 may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama. After all, his role as the spokesman for Allstate has helped many African American men realize their dream of selling auto insurance.

A rape charge against Rikki Rockett has been dropped after authorities determined that the Poison drummer was not in the state at the time of the alleged crime. Also, turns out, Rockett isn’t even a dude.