Monday, March 31, 2008

On Sunday, CIA Director Michael Hayden said Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look western". Yet another reason to fear sitting next to the fat guy on your flight.

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, became the first world leader to decide not to attend the Olympics in Beijing. This is unfortunate, considering she was favored to bring home the gold in women’s weightlifting.

The Vatican's newly-released 2008 yearbook of statistics said Muslims have surpassed Roman Catholics in the world. Some are disputing the numbers, as the counters admitted that they might have accidentally counted some guy named Mohammad 8 billion times.

Senator Barack Obama has refused to go along with the growing calls for Hillary to drop out of the Presidential race. He would, however, not be opposed to Bill Clinton shutting the fuck up.

During a six-day bus tour, Barack Obama dropped by a bowling alley in Pennsylvania. Obamamania is really catching on in this state; any pins he didn’t knock down wound up fainting.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright has canceled plans to speak at three services at a Houston church on Sunday, the church's pastor said. Church officials cite security concerns as the reason for the cancellation, while Barack Obama cites the power of prayer.

A new study shows that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. Pundits say the findings could potentially split the super-hot delegate vote.

A poll conducted by AOL Television found TV veteran Larry King to be the least sexy talk show host. King released a statement thanking Rosie O’Donnell for retiring.

Actress Elizabeth Banks is in final negotiations to play Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming film about President George Bush. An excited Banks says she’s up for the challenge, as she once played a pine tree in a second grade play.

This week, President Bush granted pardons to 15 individuals. Here’s the sad part: they were all characters from Scooby Doo.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Ryan Seacrest told an interviewer that it is his ambition to be the Dick Clark for our generation, the Merv Griffin for our generation, and the Larry King for our generation. Upon hearing this, our generation replied, "we were with you up until Larry King".

A registered sex offender once busted for trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl is running for mayor of a small Texas town. He claims to have learned from his past mistakes, as evidenced by his campaign slogan, “old enough to vote, old enough to arrange sex with.”

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling has revealed she thought of killing herself when she was a broke, single mother. Sources say Rowling still has the seven-volume suicide note to prove it.

The White House told a federal court that its older computer hard drives have been destroyed. This means the missing e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may never be recovered, and Bush has no way of ever proving he once broke 500,000 on Snood.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter yesterday. For those who don’t follow religion, Easter marks the resurrection of Christ, the guy people worshiped before Obama came along.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Rough day for Hillary Clinton. First, she was beaten by Obama in the Mississippi's Democratic primary; then it came out that Bill Clinton was Client #1 through #8.

Republicans threatened to impeach Gov. Eliot Spitzer if he does not quit over the sex scandal. This will likely mark the end of Eliot Spitzer’s political career, and the beginning of his wife Silda’s.

If Eliot Spitzer resigns, Lt. governor David Paterson would fill in and New York will have its first blind governor, or, another New Yorker “who didn’t see anything”.

President Bush is dispatching Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to keep the peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. Bush is calling it “Operation Lark”.

A new federal study shows at least one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Still, the official who conducted the study said he has no regrets.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Sen. Barack Obama won the Wyoming Democratic caucuses over the weekend. After his win, a beaming Hilary Clinton boasted, “That’s my Vice President!”

President Bush made his first appearance on the stage of the Gridiron Club of Washington journalists where he sang a song about looking forward to his return to Texas. The song went to #1 on the “you and us both” charts.

A 31-year-old software engineer recalled the correct order of an entire deck of playing cards in 2 minutes and 27 seconds on Saturday to take the title of having the best memory in the United States. Coming in dead last was that friend of yours who still owes you forty bucks.

About 5,000 files containing confidential data on MTV employees were illegally accessed by someone outside the company. This marks the worst case of theft at the network since someone lifted Kurt Loder’s “Just for Men”.

A new investigation revealed a vast array of pharmaceutical drugs have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. While further testing is underway, all Americans are still advised to drink 8 glasses of water a day, or ten if you’re really depressed.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Last night, John McCain clinched the GOP nomination over Mike Huckabee. After getting swept by McCain in four states and being forced to bow out of the race, Mike Huckabee is finally starting to believe in dinosaurs.

After campaign saving victories in Texas, Ohio, and Vermont, Hillary Rodham Clinton hinted at the possibility of sharing the Democratic presidential ticket with Barack Obama— with her at the top. Wow. She’s like the girl that gets kissed once and starts looking for a wedding dress.

Responding to Clinton’s comeback in the primaries last night, Obama’s people were quick to point out that the delegate math is still in favor of their man. But enough about the press.

Harvard University has banned men from one of its gyms for a few hours a week because Muslim women cannot exercise comfortably in their presence. So much for the, “No Shame, No Gain” gym posters.

An Israeli researcher is claiming Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. This would explain why he scrapped the 11th Commandment, “Thou’ shall not eat the brown acid.”

Monday, March 3, 2008

Hundreds of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers flocked to the Plaza Hotel Saturday to take part in the landmark's reopening. The highlight of the reopening ceremony was the annual shooing away of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers.

A new BBC documentary reveals that the Hell’s Angels had plotted to assassinate Mick Jagger after he stopped using them as bouncers. They would have also gone after Keith Richards, but they really thought that one would take care of itself.

The Russian presidential elections were held this weekend. In the end, the Putin supported Dmitry Medvedev scored a decisive victory over challenger, “getting whacked in your kneecaps.”