Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I'll be taking an indefinite hiatus from the blog. Now go live your lives.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A court in Germany has fined a man over 1200 dollars for knocking off the head off a waxwork figure of Adolf Hitler in a Berlin museum. The judge reprimanded the man, saying you can’t just going around trying to destroy things just because their different than you.

Sources are saying that Brad Pitt has been drunk calling his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston saying that he is sorry and that he misses her, thus giving hope to the hundreds of women with phone numbers just one digit off from Jennifer Aniston’s.

When the Space Shuttle Atlantis lifted off on Monday it took with it a basketball that belonged to the Harlem Globetrotters. Then on Tuesday it was reported that the Space Shuttle Atlantis spilled a bucket of glitter on Mars and pantsed Jupiter.

The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets' new stadium, ran onto the field Tuesday. Let’s just say it was not the moment you wanted to be staring at the Jumbo Tron.

Harrison Ford revealed this week that he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Sources say he put a ring around her finger then watched her tip over.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Julia Roberts was photographed this week with a tattoo on her lower back that features the names of her three children. Julia said she got the tattoos so it would be easier for everyone who kisses her ass to remember her kid’s names.

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant. The operation had a few hitches, but the patient still gave his surgeons two left thumbs up.

In an interview on the Insider, Lorena Bobbitt says that even 15 years after she cut off her husband's penis, he continues to sends her roses. Bobbit says she looks forward to receiving them so she can cut off the stems.

The National Rifle Association next week will present Alaska Governor Sarah Palin with an all white M-4 military rifle called the "Alaskan Hunter.” So... lay low, Levi.

Senator Chuck Schumer from New York this week proposed that the IHOP chain in New York start using only maple syrup produced in the state. And lose all its “international” credibility?

This week, Chanel, who has been named the world's oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. This dog is so old, he started digging a hole in his back yard to bury himself.

A stunt man filming a car chase in New York's Times Square for a new Nicolas Cage movie crashed his Ferrari into a Sbarro’s Restaurant. The crash injured two, while the food at Sbarro’s killed 6.

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper. Sources say the recipe reveals the secret ingredient is one dollar so you can go the store and buy a can of Dr. Pepper.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Actor Kal Penn, best known for his role in the Harold and Kumar movies, is joining the Obama administration as associate director of Office of Public Relations. The first PR debacle facing Penn is President Obama’s decision to make the guy from the Harold and Kumar movies the associate director of Office of Public Relations.

Police in Detroit this weekend shut down an organized pillow fight at a downtown park. Locals expressed relief that the pillow fight was squelched before it escalated into “talk about boys”.

In a deposition for his 10 million dollar lawsuit against American Apparel, Woody Allen, who is suing the company for using his image in billboard ads, said that the ads are "sleazy," "adolescent" and "infantile”, and that he’s getting turned on just talking about them.

A small number of communities throughout the country are printing their own money to help consumers make ends meet and to support struggling local businesses. This promising new trend goes by the name, “Counterfeiting”.

Researchers in Brooklyn have recently developed a drug that is capable of erasing certain memories in animals. “Thank God”, said my pet gerbil.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The FDA issued an alert Monday warning people to stop eating all pistachios because of a possible salmonella contamination. “Damn it”, said the guy who just heard this after spending the last 20 minutes opening a pistachio.

It was reported that a 7300 square foot mansion owned by Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly is for sale for almost 28 million dollars. Buyer beware: The old guy smell is the least offensive odor in the place.

Many royal watchers feel that First Lady Michelle Obama violated the rules of protocol when she touched the queen on her back instead of curtsying when they met for the first time. If that’s the case, then Obama definitely broke protocol when he went in for the fist bump.

Dozens of out-of-work New Yorkers participated in the Unemployment Olympics. Unfortunately, the event was tainted when some of the participants tested positive for trust funds.

Police in Salt Lake City are searching for a man who fired two shots at a McDonald's after the drive-thru operator told him they were not serving lunch yet. Here’s a crazy thought: try looking for him at a McDonald’s around lunchtime.

It was announced last week that television ads for abortions will be allowed on British TV for the first time. The British government hopes this will finally put an end to the dangerous back alley abortion commercial.

A man in Bosnia was arrested after he tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile. And he thought she was a bitch to him before.

Fox is creating a new dating show which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women. The show will be called “More to Love”, because no one wants to be on a dating show called “Limited Options”.

A man in Ohio was arrested on charges of drunken driving after he crashed while driving a bar stool resting on top of a deconstructed lawn mower. Is it okay to give drunk drivers style points?

Monday, March 16, 2009

Eddie Doyle, who was a bartender at the Boston tavern that inspired the TV show Cheers, was laid off this week after working there for 35 years. Not surprisingly, he will be replaced by Woody Harrelson.

Engineers are saying that a prototype for a floating city off the coast of San Francisco could be ready in 3 years. Unfortunately, shark engineers believe they can have a prototype for a ladder built in two.

Bill Maher debated Ann Coulter this week as part of a speaker series at Radio City Music Hall. The two debated over Iraq, the media and just how much weird sexual tension one audience could stand.

This June hordes of cyclists will participate in the ‘World Naked Bike Ride’ in which people will bike through Central Park while naked. The ride hopes to raise awareness of people who do things that are totally unnecessary.

A new study shows that chimpanzees can plan ahead like humans, although I think its safe to say our plans for world domination worked out a little better than theirs.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it this spring to Australia. Hopefully, one of those bottles contains a message in it that reads, “Man, this was a dumb idea. Please tell my wife and kids I loved them.”

The Museum of Funeral Customs in Springfield, Illinois may soon close its doors because of poor attendance. And it was so young.

According to Forbes Magazine, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is now the richest man in New York City. This isn’t saying much, considering the second richest man in New York City these days is this guy.

Monday, March 9, 2009

In a recent blog post, John McCain’s daughter Meghan wrote that after the 2008 presidential race, she doesn’t want to date men who voted for Obama, but is repulsed by men who are obsessive supporters of her father. So, don’t blow this one, Green party dudes.

It was reported that the emperor of Japan may visit Pearl Harbor in July. Thanks for the heads up this time.

The N.J. Senate approved a bill this week allowing the use of medical marijuana. After the bill was passed, thousands of New Jerseyans immediately called their dealers hoping to score some cancer.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation declaring the first week in March to be “No Cussing Week”, which in a case of bad timing, is also LA’s annual, “Stub Your Toe Week”.

A city in New Zealand is planning to play the music of Barry Manilow in their central mall district to calm down unruly teens who congregate there. Many are skeptical of the plan, since it didn’t work when they tried it at the Copa…Copacabana.

A woman in Michigan with two wombs has given birth to twin daughters, one with each uterus. Good luck getting them to ever share a crib.

In a recent blog, Nadya Suleman, the octuplets mom, says that she only speaks to the father of her children "once a year.” That may not sound like a lot, but it’s more face time than she gives children 11 through 14.

Atlas Sports Genetics has been selling a home-analysis kit that allows parents to test if their child is genetically predisposed to have sports ability. It looks something like this:

Monday, February 16, 2009

The number one movie at the box office last weekend was "He's Just Not That Into You", though it faces stiff competition this weekend with the opening of, “Friday the 13th: He’s Just Not That Into You And He’s Got A Pick Ax”.

On Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave US Airways pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger and his crew the key to the city. This marks the first time in which keys were given to and not being taken away from a guy named Sully.

Eight leaders of the nation's top banks appeared before Congress Wednesday to face tough questions from lawmakers regarding how they have used more than 160 billion dollars in taxpayers money. Congress was surprised to learn the answer was pens.

A New York City Councilman wants to phase out buggy-pulled horses in Central Park and replace them with eco-friendly electric replicas of Model T Fords. While this may sound less romantic, nobody ever went for a stroll in the park and stepped in a pile of Model T crap.

A man in Delaware was arrested for allegedly hiding marijuana in his children's diapers. The man was let off with a stern warning, “Huggies, not druggies.”

Activision is still planning on airing an ad for Guitar Hero that features Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps, despite the controversy surrounding their drug use. No doubt a difficult decision for the makers of a game built upon the idol worship of Joe Perry and Slash.

In his first White House news conference on Tuesday, President Obama said of the stimulus plan, "I can't tell you for sure that everything in this plan will work exactly as we hoped." Is it bad when your President starts sounding like Ben from Lost?

Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House news conference, but only the first to have to explain to her that it wasn’t all a dream and yes, he’s really president.

This Thursday marked the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, who is best remembered for not being able to explain this guy:

Monday, February 9, 2009

The House voted Wednesday to postpone the deadline for a nationwide switch to digital TV until after June 12, giving more than 6.5 million Americans with analog TVs more time to obtain converter boxes. Or, you know, die off.

Surgeons in Maryland removed a woman's kidney through her vagina so she could give it to her ailing niece. The surgeons were hailed for both saving a life and winning a bet.

Eddie Van Halen said this week that he has created a guitar that even he cannot destroy. Now change ‘guitar’ to ‘liver’ and you’ve got something.

Paris Hilton said that she plans on helping the economy by continuing to shop. In other news, Microsoft, GE and Ford will now focus their entire businesses on making thongs and Chihuahua sweaters.

Geologists monitoring Alaska's Mount Redoubt said Sunday that the volcano is rumbling and emitting steam but has shown no drastic burst in the past 24 hours. So yeah, a volcano is showing more self-control than Christian Bale.

The New Life Church in South Dakota has been conducting boxing matches in a ring in the church to help illustrate the spiritual battles man faces, so says New Life Church’s “Father McGambling Problem”.

Joseph "Joey the Clown" Lombardo was sentenced to life in federal prison for serving as a leader of Chicago's organized crime family. Mafia Don plus clown equal scariest cellmate ever.

Nadya Suleman, the single woman who gave birth to octuplets last week, has been deluged with offers for book deals, TV shows, and other opportunities. One thing she hasn’t been deluged with: marriage proposals.

It was reported that Britney Spears has said she will cancel her upcoming "Circus" tour if she cannot bring her kids with her. If she is allowed to bring them, we could witness the first instance of kids running away from the “Circus” to join society.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The high school girls basketball team in Texas that beat an opponent 100 to 0 is now apologizing for the extreme margin of victory. So far, it’s 100 apologies issued to zero apologies accepted.

The half-brother of President Barack Obama was arrested for alleged possession of marijuana on Saturday near his home in a Nairobi shantytown. Guess who got their first 3:00 am call in the White House?

A woman in Thailand broke her own record by spending 33 days and nights with 5000 scorpions. Record Shmecord. This woman just likes hanging out with scorpions.

Actress Molly Ringwald is writing a new book about life as a 40-something. The book is called, “Pretty in Pink Minivan.”

A man in California has embarked on a cross-country trek to get 50 jobs in 50 weeks in all 50 states. Doubt any of those jobs will be as the “Senior Head of the Great Timing and Decision Making Department”.

A new study shows that 2 to 3 day old babies can perceive musical patterns and can even notice when a drummer missed a beat. The study also shows that by days 4 and 5, babies can tell that Coldplay is way overrated.

Iceland's coalition government collapsed Monday, leaving the island nation in political turmoil amid a financial crisis that has pummeled its economy and required an international bailout. But really, what do you expect from a country whose main export is ice cubes.

In a series of interviews on Tuesday Rod Blagojevich talked about how he and his wife got his children a puppy over Christmas. It should be noted that the puppy gave Blagojevich a new pair of slippers and the newspaper from the driveway for the position.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Pending further investigation, many experts have concluded that U.S. Airways flight 1549 was downed by a flock of geese. After hearing this, President Bush capped off his Presidency by declaring war on pigeons.

Barack Obama's inauguration will have a strong Abraham Lincoln theme, including using the bible Lincoln was sworn in with, a luncheon menu modeled on Lincoln's favorite food, and several racist states ceding from the union.

A 22 year-old woman who is auctioning off her virginity says the bids have gotten as high as 3.8 million dollars. So basically, this economy is going to suck for everyone but hot virgins.

Joseph Brooks, a New York songwriter who won an Academy Award for the Debbie Boone song "You Light Up My Life," is a suspect in five sexual assault cases. In addition, he’s suspected of pretty much ruining the song, "You Light Up My Life," for five women.

Amy Winehouse told a British paper this week that she has a new boyfriend, and that when she’s with him, “she doesn’t need drugs”, which sounded encouraging until it was discovered that this new boyfriend was made out of crack.

A new "flirting course" is being offered to aspiring IT engineers at Potsdam University in Germany, where they will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and e-mails, how to impress people at parties and how to cope with rejection. So, it’s basically a class on how to cope with rejection.

A 107 year-old Chinese woman, who never married, says she is ready for a husband now. Unfortunately, her choices have narrowed a bit, as she prefers older men.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Apple announced this week that CEO Steve Jobs was once again paid 1 dollar in salary last year. No wonder the guy is starving.

Plastic surgeons in New York City are saying that as the economy worsens the demand for breast implants has dropped. Makes sense, considering it was artificial bubbles that got us into this mess in the first place.

A rock singer in England has been hiccupping for 22 straight months, in what might be God’s most unsubtle way of saying, “maybe you’d be happier playing bass.”

A man in Atlanta, who had built a replica of the White House, is now selling it because of the downturn in the economy. In other news, the McCains just bought their eighth home.

It was reported this week that Laura Bush has signed a deal to publish a memoir that will encompass her recollections of personal and historical moments. The working title of the book is, “Picking out china patterns while my husband drives the country off a cliff.”

The White House said that the idea for the gathering of all the living presidents for lunch on Wednesday came from Barack Obama. It was a group decision, however, to make George W. sit at the kiddie table.

In an interview on Fox News Sunday, former President George H.W. Bush said that he would like to see his other son, Jeb, win the presidency someday, though he’ll settle for him not ruining the country.