Monday, February 16, 2009

The number one movie at the box office last weekend was "He's Just Not That Into You", though it faces stiff competition this weekend with the opening of, “Friday the 13th: He’s Just Not That Into You And He’s Got A Pick Ax”.

On Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave US Airways pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger and his crew the key to the city. This marks the first time in which keys were given to and not being taken away from a guy named Sully.

Eight leaders of the nation's top banks appeared before Congress Wednesday to face tough questions from lawmakers regarding how they have used more than 160 billion dollars in taxpayers money. Congress was surprised to learn the answer was pens.

A New York City Councilman wants to phase out buggy-pulled horses in Central Park and replace them with eco-friendly electric replicas of Model T Fords. While this may sound less romantic, nobody ever went for a stroll in the park and stepped in a pile of Model T crap.

A man in Delaware was arrested for allegedly hiding marijuana in his children's diapers. The man was let off with a stern warning, “Huggies, not druggies.”

Activision is still planning on airing an ad for Guitar Hero that features Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps, despite the controversy surrounding their drug use. No doubt a difficult decision for the makers of a game built upon the idol worship of Joe Perry and Slash.

In his first White House news conference on Tuesday, President Obama said of the stimulus plan, "I can't tell you for sure that everything in this plan will work exactly as we hoped." Is it bad when your President starts sounding like Ben from Lost?

Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House news conference, but only the first to have to explain to her that it wasn’t all a dream and yes, he’s really president.

This Thursday marked the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, who is best remembered for not being able to explain this guy:

Monday, February 9, 2009

The House voted Wednesday to postpone the deadline for a nationwide switch to digital TV until after June 12, giving more than 6.5 million Americans with analog TVs more time to obtain converter boxes. Or, you know, die off.

Surgeons in Maryland removed a woman's kidney through her vagina so she could give it to her ailing niece. The surgeons were hailed for both saving a life and winning a bet.

Eddie Van Halen said this week that he has created a guitar that even he cannot destroy. Now change ‘guitar’ to ‘liver’ and you’ve got something.

Paris Hilton said that she plans on helping the economy by continuing to shop. In other news, Microsoft, GE and Ford will now focus their entire businesses on making thongs and Chihuahua sweaters.

Geologists monitoring Alaska's Mount Redoubt said Sunday that the volcano is rumbling and emitting steam but has shown no drastic burst in the past 24 hours. So yeah, a volcano is showing more self-control than Christian Bale.

The New Life Church in South Dakota has been conducting boxing matches in a ring in the church to help illustrate the spiritual battles man faces, so says New Life Church’s “Father McGambling Problem”.

Joseph "Joey the Clown" Lombardo was sentenced to life in federal prison for serving as a leader of Chicago's organized crime family. Mafia Don plus clown equal scariest cellmate ever.

Nadya Suleman, the single woman who gave birth to octuplets last week, has been deluged with offers for book deals, TV shows, and other opportunities. One thing she hasn’t been deluged with: marriage proposals.

It was reported that Britney Spears has said she will cancel her upcoming "Circus" tour if she cannot bring her kids with her. If she is allowed to bring them, we could witness the first instance of kids running away from the “Circus” to join society.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The high school girls basketball team in Texas that beat an opponent 100 to 0 is now apologizing for the extreme margin of victory. So far, it’s 100 apologies issued to zero apologies accepted.

The half-brother of President Barack Obama was arrested for alleged possession of marijuana on Saturday near his home in a Nairobi shantytown. Guess who got their first 3:00 am call in the White House?

A woman in Thailand broke her own record by spending 33 days and nights with 5000 scorpions. Record Shmecord. This woman just likes hanging out with scorpions.

Actress Molly Ringwald is writing a new book about life as a 40-something. The book is called, “Pretty in Pink Minivan.”

A man in California has embarked on a cross-country trek to get 50 jobs in 50 weeks in all 50 states. Doubt any of those jobs will be as the “Senior Head of the Great Timing and Decision Making Department”.

A new study shows that 2 to 3 day old babies can perceive musical patterns and can even notice when a drummer missed a beat. The study also shows that by days 4 and 5, babies can tell that Coldplay is way overrated.

Iceland's coalition government collapsed Monday, leaving the island nation in political turmoil amid a financial crisis that has pummeled its economy and required an international bailout. But really, what do you expect from a country whose main export is ice cubes.

In a series of interviews on Tuesday Rod Blagojevich talked about how he and his wife got his children a puppy over Christmas. It should be noted that the puppy gave Blagojevich a new pair of slippers and the newspaper from the driveway for the position.