Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hollywood is planning on reducing its pigeon population by providing the ubiquitous birds with birth control. State officials hope the plan proves effective enough to dramatically lower the pigeon population while phasing out the wide-spread use of morning-after-crumbs.

Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his summer home in Maine on Monday. A spokesperson for the Supreme Court said Roberts would be fine, though the kid standing outside his hospital room holding a “Seizures for Chief Justices” sign is in deep shit.

President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown made it a point to highlight their areas of agreement Monday at Camp David. The leaders spoke of a united stand on Iraq, halting violence in Darfur, and keeping Michael Vick away from Tony Blair.

Cities nationwide have adopted a new tactic to combat street gangs; they're suing them. Street gangs plan to get around the new approach by resorting to the older, more time-tested tactic of knifing the guy who serves them the papers.

Rapper Twista has been dropped from McDonald's upcoming concert series. A spokesperson for McDonald's said, unlike most things dropped by McDonalds, the rapper will not be picked up, dusted off and served in a cardboard container.

Monday, July 30, 2007

In a stunning upset, the Iraqi football team beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the Asian Cup final. The Iraqi team’s victory was slightly marred when Shi'ite and Sunni players squabbled over who got to pour the barrel of oil over their coach’s head.

The Iraqi Sports Minister claimed the win was a victory for all Iraqis, except those shot during the celebratory post-game gunfire.

Immediately after Saudi’s loss, President Bush sent 3 battalions of full- backs to the Saudi Kingdom to protect America’s interests.


Hillary Clinton's handlers are outraged over a newspaper story musing over her showing a little cleavage. Hillary’s camp is urging supporters to fight back by stuffing cash into her coffers, while Bill Clinton is fighting back by asking “what cleavage?”

Paul Stanley of the rock band Kiss had to pull out of a show on Friday after his heart started beating at more than twice the normal level. Doctors treating the 55-year old Stanley advised him to rock and roll no later than 8:00 pm, and take brisk walks everyday.

The man who owns Jerry Garcia's house is selling the legend’s kitchen sink, or as Jerry called it, his ‘bong water refilling station’.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury for sponsoring dog fighting on his property. In his defense, he was only doing this to finance his real passion: kitten-torture parties.

The Chinese government has launched a campaign to limit the number of hours teenagers spend online playing games. The campaign hopes to accomplish this by reminding teens there’s also pornography online.

The Senate continued its marathon debate on the Iraq war into the morning hours today. The all night debate did not yield the results Democrats had hoped for, but they did have some fun sitting around the podium telling scary Dick Cheney stories.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey plans to hold a fundraiser for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama. As an act of charity, the two have promised to donate any leftover hors d'oeuvres from the event to McCain campaign.

Bobby Brown has said he fears that he may be killed by al-Qaeda on his upcoming tour of Australia. So, how many fans does Bobby Brown have in Australia and when did Whitney Houston join al-Qaeda?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Democrats are planning an all-night session of the Senate to debate President Bush's military strategy in Iraq. Most Republicans are calling it political theater; Senator Vitter is calling it a good alibi.

In a recent interview, John Edwards’ wife said Hillary Clinton was behaving like a man. Hillary defended herself, saying she’s never spent more than $18 on a haircut.

A spokesman for the Vatican stated that sexual abuse of children is not just a Catholic Church problem. According to many clergy, it’s also a proud tradition.

A Brisbane Rugby player was found to have another player’s tooth imbedded in his head for several months. In hockey, they call this “a keeper”.

A prison inmate in Pennsylvania gave birth in her cell. Prison officials are being criticized for not sending the woman to the hospital, though they did honor the inmate’s request to cut the umbilical cord with her own shank.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Al Gore's youngest daughter was married Saturday night. Gore beamed as the young couple promised to love, honor and cherish each other until extreme temperatures make their planet uninhabitable.

Reports say “Killer” wasps have infested areas around the State Department's headquarters. After numerous attempts to exterminate the deadly insects failed, State Department officials will now try winning over their hearts and minds.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is expected to pay out a $660 million settlement to those sexually abused by clergy. The huge settlement marks the strongest incentive yet for LA parents to take their children to church instead of auditions.

John Edwards and Hillary Rodham Clinton were overheard discussing their hope of limiting the number of Democrats in presidential debates. A spokesman for Dennis Kucinich said the candidate hasn’t felt this left out since his prom night.

Osama bin Laden appeared in a videotape posted on the Internet on Sunday, in which he praises martyrdom and, just to be a dick, talked about the end of the new Harry Potter movie without offering a spoiler alert.