Monday, December 31, 2007

An essay that won a six-year-old girl tickets to a Hannah Montana concert has been exposed as a fake. The essay began with the line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq", and was followed with, “If they’re floor seats, so did my Mommy.”

Fred Thompson said he's not consumed with winning the White House. This attitude is reflected in Thompson’s catchy new campaign slogan, “Whatever.”

A man has saved every piece of trash he has generated over the past year to see how much garbage one person could create. That man's name: Dane Cook.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone has joined a mission to retrieve three hostages held for years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. So far, Stone’s made their captivity two hours longer.

A 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to be the world's oldest, has died. In lieu of flowers, please fling poop.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday. The bill is designed to protect the rights of people whose phone numbers have been illegally used in a movie or song.

Seven people were injured on Thursday when Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests came to blows in a dispute over how to clean the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Please guys, there’s more than one way to make that place immaculate.

Radiohead will perform its new album, "In Rainbows," in its entirety during a pre-taped, hour-long set that will premiere New Year's Eve on Current TV. The televised concert kicks off the band’s upcoming, “Thanks for spending 45 cents on our album” tour.

Today, Rudy Giuliani has launched a new ad campaign that invokes the 2001 terrorist attacks. To be fair, Rudy also invoked the attacks ordering an omelet this morning.

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he's leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. Hopefully, Paris will share some of it with Nikki and her Mom.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

In an interview with Daily Record of Scotland, movie star Will Smith was quoted saying that Adolph Hitler was doing what he "thought was good." Hitler responded by saying the same thing about Smith regarding “Hitch”.

Pope Benedict on Tuesday said he hoped Christmas would bring consolation to those living in poverty, injustice and war, and if it can’t, there’s always the day-after Christmas markdowns!

A Global Positioning System was installed on a baby Jesus statue displayed in a Florida nativity scene after the previous year’s statue went missing. And, if you listen real close, you can hear this baby Jesus instruct, “Turn the other cheek left.”

Investigators are trying to determine how a Siberian tiger named Tatiana escaped its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas — killing one visitor and mauling two others. While the investigation is still open, Zoo officals all agree that giving Tatiana a tiger trampoline for Christmas was a bad call.

Despite the absence of their writers, several late night host are scheduled to resume shows starting January 2. Bad news for writers, good news for anyone who wants to hear the extended version of how Hillary Swank’s holidays went.