Wednesday, February 28, 2007

In an interview with Extra, Naomi Campbell says she’s using the healing powers of crystals to work through her anger issues. Campbell stated, “crystals bring great energy, and, when thrown with the right amount of velocity, can really remind the help who the boss is.”

The New York City Council is poised to pass a resolution today that would symbolically ban the "N-word". The ban will not be enforceable and carries no penalty, though it would alter the script used for the Kramer Reality Tour.

Today, Prince Charles said banning McDonald's fast food was the key to a healthy lifestyle. Then he went back to eating his steak & kidney pudding.

Guests attending a party for the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue may have been exposed to acute Hepatitis A. Now you can’t even ogle at SI swimsuit models without catching something.

A sorority at Depauw University is being accused of discrimination after kicking out 23 members who were either minorities or overweight. Under heavy scrutiny, the sorority was quick to point out they still have an open door policy when it comes to anorexic skanks and easy drunks.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

A group is claiming that Al Gore’s mansion consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year. In response, Gore pledged to only recharge himself using solar power.

A US watchdog group has accused chain restaurants with encouraging Americans to overeat. Apparently, not everyone is fan of Applebee’s new Deep Fried Edible Menus.

The Dow Jones took a devastating plunge today. Things got so bad, for the right price, Suze Orman was ready to unload her virginity.

The judge presiding over the Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial has dismissed one of the jurors. Sources say it was the one who kept making a case for Libby being buried in the Bahamas.

On a visit to Afghanistan, a Taliban suicide bomber struck the main American military base where Vice President Dick Cheney was staying. It was the first attempt on Cheney’s life that his own heart didn’t initiate.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Last Night’s 79th Annual Academy Awards were completely green, with organic cocktails, Leonardo DiCaprio arriving in a Toyota Prius, and Joan Rivers wearing a 100% biodegradable face.

Martin Scorsese finally got his due, winning best director for his mob epic "The Departed". Unfortunately, as the band started playing him off with “Gimme Shelter”, Scorsese instinctively gave his Oscar statuette two in the back of the head.


Iran has successfully launched its first rocket into space, claiming it was for research purposes. Apparently, Iran is researching how much shit they can get away with before starting World War III.

The Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery. They said they would have apologized sooner, who’s got the time when you have to harvest your own tobacco crops.

A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager told reporters he believes his decades of sexual abstinence has attributed to his longevity. Wild guess: those sexless decades include the last three.

Friday, February 23, 2007

The release of Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album has once again been postponed. With years of setbacks and no end in sight, Axle is now changing the ablum's name to “Iraq Democracy”.

In between rehab visits, a raging Britney Spears attacked the paparazzi's car with an umbrella. Somehow, this led to the arrest of Sinead O’Conner.

Fox’s hit "American Idol" announced the opening of its first children's summer camp. Let’s hope it does better than ABC’s disastrous "Camp Lost”.

In Columbia, two clowns were fatally shot during a circus performance. The victims’ families ask, in lieu of flowers, to please send flowers that squirt water.

Donald Trump is making plans to be buried in New Jersey. Sources say it’s the only state willing to let Trump build a 72-story tombstone.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

It’s being reported that Britney Spears left rehab just one day after checking in. Sources say she now only needs two more holes punched in her Patient Loyalty Card to get a free visit.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates says he had to set strict limits on the time his daughter spends on the computer. That’s right. Bill Gates is uncomfortable with his daughter monopolizing the Internet.

The executive producers of "American Idol" have been hired for this year’s Emmy Awards. So, do you think you have what it takes to be the next Sound Editing For Nonfiction Programming Idol?


Vice President Dick Cheney has said Britain withdrawing troops from Iraq was actually good news. Now if only Bulgaria would jump ship, we’d have this thing licked.

Denmark has announced it will also be withdrawing its troops from Iraq by summer. You know this war is not going well when the only other country willing to stick it out in Iraq is Iran.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The legal battle over where to bury Anna Nicole Smith is still dragging on. On the upside, the longer it takes, the more likely she’ll be able to squeeze into a size four casket.

Sirius Satellite Radio and XM Satellite Radio are planning to merge. Tough week for Howard Stern; first he gets engaged, and now Oprah’s moving in.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that British troops will soon withdraw from Iraq. To make the transition smooth, President Bush has ordered all Americans troops arriving in Iraq to speak with a British accent.

JetBlue Airways has issued a customer bill of rights. Thankfully not included; the right to bear arms.

Researchers have found that worrying about how you'll perform on a math test may actually contribute to a lower test score. Another main contributor to low math test scores: numbers. Big, scary, confusing numbers.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

In a ceremony outside of George Washington’s home yesterday, President Bush likened the revolutionary war to the war on terrorism. Then things got really weird when Dick Cheney rode by on horseback proclaiming, “The terrorists are coming! The terrorists are coming!”

A reality show is coming to Spike TV in which amateur detectives try to solve real-life homicides. Victims’ families can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that attention-starved reality show contestants are on the case.

If Hillary Rodham Clinton wins the presidency, some Democrats want her husband to serve out her unexpired Senate term. While flattered, Bill says he’s not rushing back into politics until he’s 100% horny enough.

Police discovered the mummified remains of a Long Island man sitting in front of a blaring television set. The news gave hope to marketers looking for ways to reach the illusive dead and gone demographic.

Doctors are close to sending home the Florida baby delivered only 21 weeks after conception. Doctors are calling the baby a tiny miracle. The mother is calling it it her favorite new key chain charm.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Today, the country celebrates President’s Day. Congress didn’t forget either; they all chipped in and got President Bush a nonbinding bouquet of roses.

JetBlue announced it would be canceling nearly 25 percent of its flights today. The airline issued an apology and asked that customers find other creative ways to not go anywhere for eleven hours.

Over the weekend in New Orleans, Mardi Gras revelers got to see actor James Gandolfini of The Sopranos lead one of the parades. You know the guy driving that float was a little nervous starting ‘er up.


The media is abuzz about Britney Spears shaving her head. At this point, it’s hard to tell whether her career will ever grow back.

The salon possessing Britney’s hair said it would sell it and donate the money to charity. Britney’s loss is Kevin Federline’s gain.

Friday, February 16, 2007

A doctor removed two moles from the President’s left temple today. The doctor said the moles were benign, but did express some concern about the Congress developing on his back.

Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote control, has died. A private ceremony is scheduled for Adler, where he will be buried between two couch cushions.

North Korea Kim Jong Il celebrated his 65th birthday today. Jong enjoyed a traditional birthday party, complete with presents, cake and a clown making ballon warheads.

Madonna is now saying she wants to be like Gandhi. Nicole Ricci says she just wants to be his dress size.

Al Gore's documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," has become Paramount's single most profitable release. The success of the film has Gore in talks for a sequel, "An Inconvenient Truth 2: Attack of the Drone".

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Al Gore has announced a series of concerts to focus on the threat of climate change. Some of the acts billed are Sheryl Crow, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and ironically Bon Jovi, whose hair grooming habits in the eighties sort of got us into this mess in the first place.

The Hershey Company has announced they’re laying off 1,500 workers, as the country continues to absorb the impact of Anna Nichole’s death.

The U.S. Mint has launched a new $1 coin featuring George Washington. It’s kind of like the discontinued Sacagawea dollar, but less likely to be mistaken for a Skee-Ball token.

A new movie about disgraced pop duo Milli Vanilli will soon be shot. The movie promises to reveal everything that the “Milli Vanilli Behind the Music” did, but take a 1/2 hour longer to do it.

A salmonella outbreak linked to Peter Pan peanut butter has made over 300 people ill, proving choosy mothers choose Jif, while mothers who hate their children choose Peter Pan.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Bush administration plans to allow about 7,000 Iraqi refugees to settle in the United States over the next year. The Iraqis will be welcomed with flowers, candy and taxpayer’s disbelief.

Paula Abdul told Us Weekly that she’s never been drunk. The American Idol judge claims the camera always adds about 10 vodka tonics.

An association of blind Americans has warned that cars with hybrid engines are too quiet for pedestrians. To address their concerns, hybrid carmakers have promised to equip each vehicle with Rosie O’Donnell.

Beyonce will appear on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and finally reveal what’s beneath all those layers she’s been hiding behind.

Today, the northeast experienced an onslaught of sleet and snow. The inclement weather made it virtually impossible for people to get around to buy chocolates, flowers or even a simple Valentine’s Day card for their loved one. At least that’s my excuse.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

In a new videotape, al-Qaeda's No. 2 said President Bush was an alcoholic and a lying gambler who wagered on Iraq and lost. Not his words; he was just reciting lyrics from a new Dixie Chicks song.

Lawyers for Scooter Libby say Vice President Dick Cheney will not testify in their client’s perjury and obstruction trial. Sources say they wanted him to, but couldn’t find a Bible willing to sworn upon by Cheney.

British pop star Robbie Williams has entered rehab for drug addiction, and being gay. Okay, the gay part isn’t true, but it’s really hard to get into rehab these days just for a drug addiction.

A new study shows a chemical in male sweat can boost mood, brain activity and sexual arousal in heterosexual women. It also doesn’t hurt if that sweat is worked up from carrying around large sacks of money.

The Navy announced they may be deploying anti-terrorism dolphins to protect submarines and ships at a Washington state military base. President Bush says if that works out well, he’ll promote the dolphins to guard vital sites on land.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Four years after being shunned by the country music establishment, The Dixie Chicks marked their triumphant return last night, receiving five Grammy Awards. Letting bygones be bygones, President Bush is calling it the biggest comeback since the Taliban’s rise in Afghanistan.

New Mexico will soon have talking urinal cakes that deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar patrons. The state hopes the special urinal cakes will cut down on the number of DWIs, while increasing the number of intoxicated men who think their talking penis’s are looking out for them.

Upstate New York is getting pounded with record snowfalls. They’ve gotten so many inches up there, Hillary Clinton has to travel with a snowplow just to backpedal around.

Oscar nominee Eddie Murphy’s new comedy, "Norbit", took in $33.7 million at the box office over the weekend, leading to the question: how much of a killing would "The Aretha Franklin Story" starring Eddie Murphy make?

A British woman had a diamond ring made from the ashes of her departed cat and dog. The woman says now, whenever she feels lonely, she can look down at the ring and realize she’ll be that way until she stops accessorizing with dead pets.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Russel Crowe cut his rugby league club's entire cheerleading squad. The star complained they detract from the game, but mostly, they just cheered liked a bunch of girls.

A Snickers commercial aired during the Super Bowl has been pulled after complaints that it was homophobic, while a General Motors ad featuring a robot dreaming about jumping off a bridge is catching heat from the suicide-prevention groups. In other words, it was not a good Superbowl for gay Bears fans contemplating suicide.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the Bush administration is trying to soften its tone with Tehran. In fact, Iran will now be referred to as part of the “Axis of not so bad once you get to know them”.

A new report has concluded that a Pentagon office’s pre-war intelligence work linking up Iraq and al Qaeda was not illegal, but “inappropriate”. So, it was kind of like farting at the dinner table, if that fart helps sell a long, bloody and unpopular war.

Airline tycoon Richard Branson is offering a $25 million prize for the first person to come up with a way of ridding the atmosphere of greenhouse gases. President Bush upped the ante, saying anyone who gets rid of greenhouse gases gets to explain to him what green houses gasses are.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

A Chicago man has made good on his promise to change his name to “Payton Manning” if the Colts beat the Bears in the Superbowl. At least the man made out better than his wife, Marvin Harrison.

In New York, legislation is being proposed that would slap anyone listening to their iPod while crossing the street with a $100 fine. If you’re caught crossing the street listening to a Discman, the state will buy you an iPod.

A Thai woman has been reunited with her family after being lost for 25 years because she took the wrong bus. Apparently, the woman mistakenly got on the bus destined for “The Land of People Who Never Heard of a Map.”

Barbra Streisand is giving money to three Democratic presidential candidates. She would have given money to all of them, but she's not one to hedge her bets.

Celine Dion will unveil her new song at this year's Oscars. The producer’s are going to let her start singing it every time someone’s speech goes over 45 seconds.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

After a scandalous affair with the spouse of a veteran aide, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said he plans to seek counseling for alcohol use. And if that works out, he’ll then seek counseling for tagging other men’s wives.

A minister who counseled disgraced Rev. Ted Haggard said he’s emerged from his treatment "completely heterosexual". Haggard himself also claims to be cured, and is even boasting from here on out, it’s only heterosexual male prostitutes for him.

Wal-Mart is facing the biggest sexual discrimination case in U.S. history. Finally, a stand is being taken against Wal-Mart’s policy against hiring anyone even remotely doable.

Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other. Experts speculate they must have had one hell of a fight to have to hug and make up for that long.

Jim Carrey says he and his ladylove, Jenny McCarthy, aren't planning to get married. Insiders say the couple is skipping right to planning the divorce.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

An astronaut is under arrest after attempting to kidnap the lover of a fellow astronaut she was having an affair with. The victim knew she was in trouble when the kidnapper whipped out a roll of duct tape and started counting down from ten.

In a statement, a NASA spokesman said there are no rules against fraternizing among astronauts, though they are getting tired of cleaning the ceilings of the Space Shuttle.


Reports show that since the Mark Foley page scandal, interest in joining the program is on the upswing. In other news, the Catholic Church has just recruited Mark Foley into the priesthood.

Turner Broadcasting is paying the city of Boston $2 million for its ad campaign that caused a terrorism scare. Half the money will go to agencies incurring extra security costs, while the other half will be used to educate the public on the dangers of blinking cartoon characters.

New studies show regular pot smokers who quit do experience some withdrawal symptoms. The most common withdrawal symptoms users face include irritability, trouble sleeping and the inability to find the humor in reruns of Green Acres.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Today in Chicago, with the wind chill it feels like 30 degrees below zero. Now Chicago residents have two good reasons to burn Rex Grossman in effigy.

Over the weekend, an Atlantic City woman playing the slots gave birth on the casino floor. Sadly, she then lost the child in a very high stakes game of Texas Hold‘em.

Today, President Bush asked Congress for $700 billion in new military spending. In other news, all the remaining residents of New Orleans have joined the military.

A new study shows that most people still don't have e-mail relationships with their doctors. Some reasons cited for this include patient confidentiality issues, hours of uncompensated labor for doctors, and a high degree of difficulty in diagnosing patients by way of emoticons.

In Hollywood, a Chewbacca impersonator was arrested after being accused of head-butting a Hollywood tour guide. The lesson here: tour guides should not dress like Stormtroopers.

Friday, February 2, 2007

The wife of "Grey's Anatomy" star Patrick Dempsey has given birth to twin boys. "Grey's" co-star Isaiah Washington immediately questioned what the two were doing naked in the womb together for that long, and called them both little queers.

The Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to boost the federal minimum wage by $2.10 to $7.25 an hour over two years. Soon, the country’s minimum wage workers will be able to take their families on that bus ride they’ve always dreamed of.

President Bush said to help fight the costs of obesity, people should get outside. Don’t you see? He’s trying to use global warming to melt fat people!

Defense Secretary Robert Gates firmly stated that the US is not planning for a war with Iran, though he says the administration has not ruled establishing false pretenses for one.

A new report shows that surfing the net has become a favorite pastime among the elderly. See, you’re never too old to enjoy a little porn.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Fear swept through Boston yesterday over suspicious devices that turned out were advertising props for a Cartoon Network show. Still, it was the worst cartoon-inflicted scare Boston’s experienced since the Great Smurf Threat of ’82.

Today Sen. Joe Biden begins celebrating “My Presidential Aspirations are History” month.

A college student who told police she had been raped was jailed for two days after officers found an old warrant for her arrest. Victims rights groups are calling the arrest an outrage, while the arresting officers insist it was consensual.

The Eagles are near completion of their first album of all-new music in nearly 30 years. Apparently, the Greatest Hits well is dryer than Joe Walsh’s mouth after a 4-day bender.

Liberal comedian Al Franken is running for Senate. His advisors are doing their best to steer him away from his preferred campaign slogan, “If you don’t vote for me, you’re a big fat idiot”.