Monday, February 25, 2008

The estate of Ric Weiland, one of the first five people to work at the software giant Microsoft, has left $65 million to gay rights organizations. Unfortunately, they blew it all last night on their Oscar party.

Millions of viewers from around the world tuned into the 80th Academy Awards show last night. The best picture award went to the Coen’s brother’s dark crime drama, “No Country For Old Men”, while best makeup went to the “Clinton Campaign”.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced that he is launching another independent campaign for the White House. At last, an independent minded candidate with the courage to hand the election back to the Republicans.

Some California McDonald's are being redesigned using the principles of feng shui. And, for a limited time only at these locations, you can get your Quarter Pounder with extra Ch’i.

Saudi Arabia’s Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice sent their religious police to arrest 57 men who were flirting with women in front of a shopping mall. Wise move… taking down flirts is no job for mall security.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A new report says that the 100-day Hollywood writers strike took a $2.5 billion toll on the Los Angeles County economy, but more importantly, it got the American Gladiators off the streets.

Iraqi authorities plan to round up homeless and mentally ill residents to prevent them from becoming used as suicide bombers. Truth be told, that’s also how they went about forming their government.

Sources say the 4-year-old son of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin showed no fear after recently being bitten by a baby boa constrictor. Little perspective here: he cried like a bitch when mommy wouldn’t cover the bite with a Dora the Explorer band-aid.

A lunar eclipse will take place tonight in which the moon will be dim, but won't disappear. Kind of like the Huckabee campaign.

Hillary Clinton has now lost 10 primaries in row. Her popularity has plummeted so drastically, MSNBC accidentally posted a picture of Osama up while talking about Hillary, and apologized to Osama.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Reacting to accusations of verbal plagiarism, Sen. Obama said he doesn't think it was a big deal that he borrowed lines from the Governor of Massachusetts. The presidential hopeful went on to say, if elected, he would stop borrowing lines from other politicians, starting on day one.

The founders of Ben & Jerry's have endorsed Barack Obama. The ice cream moguls say they’re also for change, though mostly in pants sizes.

Ben and Jerry are sending out two "ObamaMobiles" to drive around Vermont giving away scoops of "Cherries for Change" ice cream to Obama supporters, and scoops of “Ice Queen” for Hillary supporters.

Ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro said that he is retiring after 49 years. Luckily, Cuba is chock-full of healthy, young relief dictators.

The new issue of New York magazine features Lindsay Lohan posing nude in a recreation of one of Marilyn Monroe's most famous photo shoots. When first approached about the shoot, Lohan responded, "Sure! What kind of car was she getting out of?”

Monday, February 18, 2008

Pakistanis took to the polls today. In what is a crucial election, the people of Pakistan will decide who will be their next dead politician.

Former first lady Nancy Reagan wound up in a Los Angeles hospital early Monday. Doctors say she fell down, though Reagan insists she merely trickled down.

143 million pounds of beef are being recalled. Relax America, this doesn’t mean they’re taking your fries back, too.

The nation’s homeless are taking advantage of the foreclosure crisis and moving into vacant homes. And why not; they’re already not paid for.

Israeli military has reported that a drug used to treat impotence could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. No word yet whether the drug can cure premature carpet-bombing.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

At the Grammy’s, Aretha Franklin got upset when Tina Turner was referred to as “the queen”. Meanwhile, the Queen Mary recently got upset when someone referred to it as “The Aretha”.

Today, Roger Clemens testified under oath before Congress. Clemens lasted four and 2/3 hours, gave up seven lies and almost struck five congressmen.

Some members of congress may be in trouble for getting Roger Clemens’ autograph. Of course, Clemens didn’t help his case by signing several autographs with a syringe.

The FBI has warned that Valentine's Day e-greetings from a stranger could actually be a "Trojan horse" that’s destructive to your computer, as opposed to the Valentine's Day e-greeting you send in lieu of a real card that's only destructive to your relationship.

For the first time in 100 years, a beagle has won the Westminster dog show. The victory marked the biggest triumph for beagles since the Flying Ace took down the Red Baron.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Over the weekend, Barack Obama swept three states' primaries on Saturday and won the Maine caucus on Sunday. He followed these victories by beating Bill Clinton at the Grammies for best spoken word album and then kicking Chelsea’s ass in Scrabulous.

Madame Tussauds Washington wax museum revealed its Barack Obama figure Monday. Shortly after, the wax Obama was endorsed by the wax Abraham Lincoln and the wax Liberace.

In a 60 Minutes interview, Hillary said she stays healthy by eating hot peppers. She also confessed to replicating human emotions by cutting raw onions.

Singer Amy Winehouse won five Grammy’s last night. The stunned newcomer could barely contain her excitement over her good fortune, until it was explained to her that a “Grammy” is not a unit of measurement.

A 56-year-old, six time convicted sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The level 3 sex offender says despite his newfound wealth, he has no plans for an early retirement.
Sorry ladies.