Monday, December 31, 2007

An essay that won a six-year-old girl tickets to a Hannah Montana concert has been exposed as a fake. The essay began with the line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq", and was followed with, “If they’re floor seats, so did my Mommy.”

Fred Thompson said he's not consumed with winning the White House. This attitude is reflected in Thompson’s catchy new campaign slogan, “Whatever.”

A man has saved every piece of trash he has generated over the past year to see how much garbage one person could create. That man's name: Dane Cook.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone has joined a mission to retrieve three hostages held for years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. So far, Stone’s made their captivity two hours longer.

A 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to be the world's oldest, has died. In lieu of flowers, please fling poop.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday. The bill is designed to protect the rights of people whose phone numbers have been illegally used in a movie or song.

Seven people were injured on Thursday when Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests came to blows in a dispute over how to clean the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Please guys, there’s more than one way to make that place immaculate.

Radiohead will perform its new album, "In Rainbows," in its entirety during a pre-taped, hour-long set that will premiere New Year's Eve on Current TV. The televised concert kicks off the band’s upcoming, “Thanks for spending 45 cents on our album” tour.

Today, Rudy Giuliani has launched a new ad campaign that invokes the 2001 terrorist attacks. To be fair, Rudy also invoked the attacks ordering an omelet this morning.

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he's leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. Hopefully, Paris will share some of it with Nikki and her Mom.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

In an interview with Daily Record of Scotland, movie star Will Smith was quoted saying that Adolph Hitler was doing what he "thought was good." Hitler responded by saying the same thing about Smith regarding “Hitch”.

Pope Benedict on Tuesday said he hoped Christmas would bring consolation to those living in poverty, injustice and war, and if it can’t, there’s always the day-after Christmas markdowns!

A Global Positioning System was installed on a baby Jesus statue displayed in a Florida nativity scene after the previous year’s statue went missing. And, if you listen real close, you can hear this baby Jesus instruct, “Turn the other cheek left.”

Investigators are trying to determine how a Siberian tiger named Tatiana escaped its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas — killing one visitor and mauling two others. While the investigation is still open, Zoo officals all agree that giving Tatiana a tiger trampoline for Christmas was a bad call.

Despite the absence of their writers, several late night host are scheduled to resume shows starting January 2. Bad news for writers, good news for anyone who wants to hear the extended version of how Hillary Swank’s holidays went.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call from his wife, which he stopped his speech to answer. Rudy Giuliani: tough stance on gun control, kind of soft on wife control.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice upset many when she compared slain terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to Civil War General Robert E. Lee. She then upset even more people when she compared fugitive terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden to the Road Runner.

According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket come back to Earth stronger and deadlier. Kind of like Astronauts.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday on misdemeanor drunken driving charges. Of course, he could have just been really tired.

Police in Staten Island are searching for a "Ninja Burglar," who robs homes wearing a black ski mask and by entering through skylights and open windows. Police are on the lookout for someone who didn’t feel they were living up to their full potential as a “ninja accountant.”

Contributors to Hillary Clinton's campaign can now win a chance to watch the presidential debates with her husband, Bill Clinton, or at least they’ll have it on in the background.

Cameron Diaz was a special guest editor for October's National Geographic Kids, which was the magazine's first "Green Issue." The special issue hopes to teach kids that it’s once again fun to masturbate to National Geographic.

According to the new edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, about 16,000 words have lost their hyphens. Another 12,000 words are choosing to keep their hyphens intact until they’re ready to compound.

Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. Marceau is said to have died of imaginary causes.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Today I give you, ‘Jokes That Haven't Mattered For Well Over A Week!’


It was reported that Led Zeppelin will reunite in November for a one-time comeback concert in memory of Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records. Sources say the band will not be playing their signature song “Stairway to Heaven”, because, just too many stairs.

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, testified before Congress Monday and said that the troop "surge" in Iraq is improving the security situation in the country. Then someone dropped a pen and Petraeus dove under a desk.

The Walt Disney company said this week that it will not drop actress Vanessa Hudgens from the next "High School Musical" movie after she apologized to fans, saying that the 18 year-old has learned a valuable lesson. They have, however, let Donald Duck go after it was revealed he hasn’t worn pants in 75 years.

Democrats this past weekend held their first-ever Spanish language debate. The debate grew extremely heated when Hillary Clinton claimed that “Julio was going to the store”, prompting a defiant Barack Obama to point out that “ Marta likes to play records at the party”.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Sources say Hudson will be playing the role of the black person in Manhattan.

Ochi Yosuke, a Japanese man won the Air Guitar World Championship for the second consecutive year. Two years in a row? Sounds like this Yosuke fellow just may have future in no business.

The Russian military has successfully tested what it described as the world's most powerful non-nuclear air-delivered bomb. And just in time for World War I.

Google has stated on its blog that the company will pay up to $30 million in prize money to anyone able to land a privately funded spacecraft on the moon, because "it's cool". Did you mean “arrogant”?

A gifted parrot that could count to six, identify colors and even express frustration died this week after 30 years of helping researchers better understand the avian brain. The parrot’s last words: “Polly wants an open casket.”

A judge in California has ruled that a carpenter caught working in the nude was not guilty of indecent exposure because he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification. Still, big loss for the apprentice who has to hold his ladder steady.

Kid Rock was cited for misdemeanor battery at Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards following a physical altercation between him and Tommy Lee. I’d say they were fighting over Pamela Anderson’s honor, but that battle was lost a long time ago.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the use of lead paint on toys exported to the United States. This is the likely nail in the coffin for Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants.”

A woman in Oregon was arrested and charged with arson and burglary after police say she set fire to the home of a neighbor she thought had stolen her keys, even though she later found her keys handing from her pants pocket. I know how she feels; I do that all the time- again, my apologies to the Brisbane family.

Leaders of the nonprofit “One Laptop Per Child” acknowledged that the devices would cost $188 if mass production were to start now, not the $100 originally promised. Sadly, the new price means many children in poorer nations will have to settle for playing “minesweeper” the old fashioned way.

After 50 Cent famously announced that he would retire from rap if Kanye West’s new album outsold his in first-week sales, early reports show West is indeed outselling 50. Good news for West, bad news for the first guy who asks 50 to “upsize” his number three.

Former head of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by claiming that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil. A spokesman for the White House responded by saying, “Sure, at first it was all about the oil, but then we got to know the country and fell in love with it for its hopelessness.

A 23 year-old woman who boarded a Southwest Airlines plane in a shirt skirt for a flight to Arizona says she was led off the plane for wearing an outfit that was considered too skimpy. First, they don’t let us bring out bottled water onboard, now our hookers.

Louisiana's state agriculture commissioner said that Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area. The arrival of “Killer Bees” offers some much needed relief to New Orleans residents tired of worrying about drowning and getting shot.

Archaeologists on Monday exhumed the body of a Viking queen, hoping to solve the riddle about whether a woman buried with her 1200 years ago was a servant killed to be a companion into the afterlife, or someone who’s hair just got caught in the queen’s horns.

While Starbucks officials say they don't market their products to children and teenagers, they acknowledge that the under-18 set has become part of their customer base and are considering adding new drinks and drink sizes for kids. The new sizes include: “tiny”, “small”, and “have fun scraping your 7 year old off the ceiling.”

During the MTV Video Music Awards actor Shia LaBeouf revealed that the fourth Indiana Jones movie will be called "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." He then riveted the crowd even more by finally announcing his new pet turtle’s name will be “Sam”.

A city councilwoman is proposing a moratorium on fast-food restaurants in south Los Angeles, which has more such eateries than any other part of the country. Sounds like someone’s a little bitter “The King” never called.

The Mars Rover Opportunity will begin a risky drive Tuesday into a massive crater on Mars. Better leave early Mars Rover; by 7:00 am the crater traffic is practically backed up to Jupiter.

In the latest sign of corruption problems for Republicans, a corporate executive testified Friday that his employees worked for months to remodel the Alaska home of Sen. Ted Stevens. Man, that must be one sweet igloo.

A UPS manager and two employees were busted in the Bronx yesterday for allegedly using the brown trucks to deliver marijuana instead of packages. Their biggest mistep: wrapping all their deliveries in EZ Wider.

The Arctic's Northwest Passage has opened up fully because of melting sea ice. The new passage means there’s now an easier route for countries to reach the oil and gas rich Artic, and puts to rest any doubt that our grandchildren will be living on moon colonies.

During a recent trip to Israel, Ashton Kutcher told a group of Israeli businessmen and entertainers that Kabbalah had made him a better actor. Sounds like someone has discovered the true meaning of fake Judaism.

Madonna toasted the Jewish New Year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism." Don’t laugh; she could be an asset under the negotiating table.

It was announced Wednesday that for the second time, Daily Show host Jon Stewart will host this year's Academy Awards. Republicans have tapped Dennis Miller to offer the rebuttal.

Venezuelan officials claimed a world record Saturday for the world's largest pot of soup, 3,963 gallons of "sancocho" stew capable of feeding 60,000 to 70,000 hungry people...if only that fly hadn’t landed in it.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

In a new audiotape out on this anniversary of 9/11, Osama bin Laden urged sympathizers to join the "caravan" of martyrs. In a related story, 50 cent has vowed to retire if Osama’s new release is more successful than his own.

The audiotape comes days after Osama’s first video tape appearance in nearly three years. The video begins with Osama telling Americans to embrace Islam to avert war and ends with four awkward minutes of Sara Silverman tearing him a new one.

Brittney Spears continues to be universally panned for her sluggish performance at the MTV Music Awards. Sources say Britney is so distraught over the criticism, she’s considering going back to being a stay-out-late mom.

New York City’s A-train turns 75 today. The MTA celebrated the train’s birthday by making everyone late for work.

New reports hint at more raunchy pictures to come showing the High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens kissing another female. Hudgens publicist insists it’s all part a nationwide push to get straight males students to enroll in drama.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the View yesterday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dog fighting case. Tune in tomorrow, when Whoopie lays out her case to the girls on how Hilter’s heart was in the right place.

In Russia, the mayor of a Siberian town has ordered his bureaucrats to stop using the phrases "I don't know". The mayor hopes the new policy will encourage his administration to become more efficient liars.

The world's leading toymaker, Mattel Inc, announced a third recall of Chinese-made toys with "impermissible" levels of lead. Not surprisingly, the recall was mostly of units of Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants”.

A man residing in Riviera beach, who fathered eleven children himself, reportedly has 100 grandchildren. In this family, there’s probably something wrong with you if you haven’t slept a first cousin.

Sen. Larry Craig is said to be reconsidering giving up his Senate seat after his arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. Craig clearly refuses to go down easy, unless your anonymous foot bumps his in a seedy men’s room and you’re not a cop.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007



A woman celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette from a candle on her birthday cake. She then put out the birthday candles with 8 pounds of flem.

Things keep getting worse for the President Bush. First, his strategist Karl Rove handed in his resignation. Then yesterday, attorney general Alberto Gonzales announced he’s stepping down. Now today, Laura Bush said she’s leaving the White House to spend more time with her family.

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho has confirmed to pleading guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month which accuses him of making sexual overtures to an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport men’s room. Many note there’s been speculation over Craig’s orientation for years, but now it’s official: he is definitely Republican.

A report released on Tuesday said the United States has 90 guns for every 100 citizens, making it the most heavily armed society in the world and the worst place to cut across your neighbor’s lawn.

The class of 2007 averaged the lowest math and reading SAT scores since 1999. Of course, it’s actually not all that bad if you don’t average in Miss Teen South Carolina’s scores.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The son of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is preparing for deployment to Iraq next year. Around the same time next year, the sons of Mitt Romney are preparing to be deployed to Kinkos.

The White House has announced that President Bush’s daughter Jenna is officially engaged to a former assistant to political strategist Karl Rove. The young man swept Jenna off her feet by making her doubt her other suitors’ patriotism.

Forbes.com has declared Jay-Z the world’s richest rapper. But really, in the world of rap, who’s counting?

Paris Hilton unveiled her clothing line at a trendy boutique yesterday. Paris says of the line, “It's just Paris style: fun, bright and easily removable after two drinks."

Two co-defendants of Michael Vicks say the NFL star helped execute dogs that didn't put up a good fight. And that’s all Vicks’ attorneys needed to hear to know they may not want to phone this one in.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Mint’s new Thomas Jefferson coin will begin circulating on Thursday. The Mint hopes the coin series helps educate the public on the nation’s early presidents. President Bush hopes the new coin series makes it easier to get Twizzlers out of the White House vending machine.

Karl Rove is busy tying up loose ends at the White House before his upcoming departure. Today, Rove handed over his set of keys to the President and his blue prints for the completion of the Death Star to the Vice President.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani vowed to stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Rudy plans to accomplish this by stationing more angry ex-wives and girlfriends at border check points.

Former Speaker of the House, Rep. Dennis Hastert intends to retire at the end of his current term. A spokesman for Hastert says he wants to spend more time with the three-layer chocolate retirement cake his staff surprises him with, hint, hint.

Courtney Love told Harper’s Bazaar that all her recent weight loss is due to discipline. True. It takes a lot of discipline to call your coke dealer every morning at 3 am, night, after night, after night.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Powerful thunderstorms caused flooding and chaos in New York City this morning, bringing the metropolis to its knees. In other news, al Qaeda has abandoned its pursuit of weapons of mass destruction and has decided to just go with rain dance lessons.

The flooding in NYC was so bad, Michael Bloomberg said “screw the subways” and rode his yacht to City Hall.

**

Last night, Barry Bonds slugged his 756 homerun to become the all time home run champ. For a moment, everyone at AT&T Park forgot about the controversy surrounding the feat, until an elated Bonds reached home plate and pressed his entire family and the on-deck batter over his head in celebration.

President George W. Bush did not call Bonds after the historic home run. He did, however, listen in on all the calls Bonds did receive.

**

A man was snagged smuggling a monkey under his hat onto an airplane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport yesterday. Flight attendants were tipped off about the tiny primate by passengers complaining that the man in the top hat was playing his organ too loud.

Monday, August 6, 2007

A 22-year-old man described as "not fully clothed" jumped the north fence into the White House grounds on Sunday. Isn’t that how the Bush’s twins’ dates usually exit the White House?

Starting today, the New York Times will reduce the width of its pages. Also starting today, the paper’s new slogan will be “All the News that’s fit to”.

A French rap star was booed off stage for supporting newly elected right-wing French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Apparently, rhyming something with “Sarkozy” means nothing to these people.

The Canada government is holding its first census of its shark population. So far, the census has found one shark and one third of the census taker who counted that shark.

The facebook profile of Rudolph Giuliani's daughter shows the 17-year-old is supporting Barack Obama for president. Looks like Rudy won’t be changing his views on abortion anytime soon.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hollywood is planning on reducing its pigeon population by providing the ubiquitous birds with birth control. State officials hope the plan proves effective enough to dramatically lower the pigeon population while phasing out the wide-spread use of morning-after-crumbs.

Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his summer home in Maine on Monday. A spokesperson for the Supreme Court said Roberts would be fine, though the kid standing outside his hospital room holding a “Seizures for Chief Justices” sign is in deep shit.

President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown made it a point to highlight their areas of agreement Monday at Camp David. The leaders spoke of a united stand on Iraq, halting violence in Darfur, and keeping Michael Vick away from Tony Blair.

Cities nationwide have adopted a new tactic to combat street gangs; they're suing them. Street gangs plan to get around the new approach by resorting to the older, more time-tested tactic of knifing the guy who serves them the papers.

Rapper Twista has been dropped from McDonald's upcoming concert series. A spokesperson for McDonald's said, unlike most things dropped by McDonalds, the rapper will not be picked up, dusted off and served in a cardboard container.

Monday, July 30, 2007

In a stunning upset, the Iraqi football team beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the Asian Cup final. The Iraqi team’s victory was slightly marred when Shi'ite and Sunni players squabbled over who got to pour the barrel of oil over their coach’s head.

The Iraqi Sports Minister claimed the win was a victory for all Iraqis, except those shot during the celebratory post-game gunfire.

Immediately after Saudi’s loss, President Bush sent 3 battalions of full- backs to the Saudi Kingdom to protect America’s interests.

**

Hillary Clinton's handlers are outraged over a newspaper story musing over her showing a little cleavage. Hillary’s camp is urging supporters to fight back by stuffing cash into her coffers, while Bill Clinton is fighting back by asking “what cleavage?”

Paul Stanley of the rock band Kiss had to pull out of a show on Friday after his heart started beating at more than twice the normal level. Doctors treating the 55-year old Stanley advised him to rock and roll no later than 8:00 pm, and take brisk walks everyday.

The man who owns Jerry Garcia's house is selling the legend’s kitchen sink, or as Jerry called it, his ‘bong water refilling station’.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury for sponsoring dog fighting on his property. In his defense, he was only doing this to finance his real passion: kitten-torture parties.

The Chinese government has launched a campaign to limit the number of hours teenagers spend online playing games. The campaign hopes to accomplish this by reminding teens there’s also pornography online.

The Senate continued its marathon debate on the Iraq war into the morning hours today. The all night debate did not yield the results Democrats had hoped for, but they did have some fun sitting around the podium telling scary Dick Cheney stories.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey plans to hold a fundraiser for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama. As an act of charity, the two have promised to donate any leftover hors d'oeuvres from the event to McCain campaign.

Bobby Brown has said he fears that he may be killed by al-Qaeda on his upcoming tour of Australia. So, how many fans does Bobby Brown have in Australia and when did Whitney Houston join al-Qaeda?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Democrats are planning an all-night session of the Senate to debate President Bush's military strategy in Iraq. Most Republicans are calling it political theater; Senator Vitter is calling it a good alibi.

In a recent interview, John Edwards’ wife said Hillary Clinton was behaving like a man. Hillary defended herself, saying she’s never spent more than $18 on a haircut.

A spokesman for the Vatican stated that sexual abuse of children is not just a Catholic Church problem. According to many clergy, it’s also a proud tradition.

A Brisbane Rugby player was found to have another player’s tooth imbedded in his head for several months. In hockey, they call this “a keeper”.

A prison inmate in Pennsylvania gave birth in her cell. Prison officials are being criticized for not sending the woman to the hospital, though they did honor the inmate’s request to cut the umbilical cord with her own shank.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Al Gore's youngest daughter was married Saturday night. Gore beamed as the young couple promised to love, honor and cherish each other until extreme temperatures make their planet uninhabitable.

Reports say “Killer” wasps have infested areas around the State Department's headquarters. After numerous attempts to exterminate the deadly insects failed, State Department officials will now try winning over their hearts and minds.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is expected to pay out a $660 million settlement to those sexually abused by clergy. The huge settlement marks the strongest incentive yet for LA parents to take their children to church instead of auditions.

John Edwards and Hillary Rodham Clinton were overheard discussing their hope of limiting the number of Democrats in presidential debates. A spokesman for Dennis Kucinich said the candidate hasn’t felt this left out since his prom night.

Osama bin Laden appeared in a videotape posted on the Internet on Sunday, in which he praises martyrdom and, just to be a dick, talked about the end of the new Harry Potter movie without offering a spoiler alert.

Friday, June 29, 2007

A Plug That Won't Matter Tomorrow


My joke is the Joke of the Week in the current issue of Time Out New York.

The photo was taken by Lisa Whiteman. She knows just how to bring out the pouty in me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007



Coney Island’s famed Cyclone roller coaster is turning 80. Even scarier, the hamster powering it just turned 90.

Hugh Hefner's life is set to become a feature film. At this time, no one is signed on to play Hef, though several thousand actors have expressed interest in playing the role of his penis.

A spokesman for Paul McCartney said he will play a "surprise" concert at a Los Angeles record store on Wednesday. The agent also dropped a reminder that Sir Paul is also available for graduations and Bar Mitzvahs.

Rosie O'Donnell says she's will not replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right", though O'Donnell is still in talks to replace the evil clown in my nightmares.

Elwood, a 2-year-old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix, was crowned the world's ugliest dog. Don’t feel bad. They told him it was the World’s Greatest Leg-Humper competition.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Presidential candidate John Edwards returned to the signature theme of "two Americas" from his unsuccessful 2004 White House bid. Advisores felt the theme promoting economic equality struck a cord with voters more so than the theme he later adopted that year, “I’m with Fancypants Horseface”.

The 15-year-old son of two doctors successfully performed a caesarean section birth under his parents' watch in southern India. Most awkward way to learn where babies come from ever.

A lake in southern Chile has mysteriously disappeared. Many speculate the ground simply opened up and swallowed it whole, while a smaller contingent holds fast to the “Al Gore Cannonball” theory.

A new study claims that firstborn sons have higher IQs than their younger brothers. This would explain why throughout their childhood, younger brothers are constantly striking themselves, while their older, wiser brothers ask repeatedly, “why you hitting, yourself? Why you hitting yourself?”

The nation's largest doctors' group wants to have video game addiction officially classified as a psychiatric disorder. Would've been nice two decades ago when I lost everything that was dear to me for Qbert.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Heavy metal band Motley Crue filed a 20 million dollar lawsuit against their manager on Monday, accusing him of "poor career guidance”. Also being sued for poor career guidance? The salesperson that kept selling the band leather pants after they hit forty.

An experimental anti-poverty program in New York is rewarding poor residents with cash for good behavior. This program replaces an older, similar program commonly know as “a job”.

The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers. So, just to be clear, it’s no longer okay to rear-end thy neighbor's wife.

Tiger Woods’ wife gave birth to their first child on Monday. Sam Alexis Wood was born at 8 ½ pounds and came in at four pushes under par.

A new survey shows Moscow is the world's most expensive city to live in, and interestingly enough, also the most expensive city to be poisoned in.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Bob Barker has endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as a possible successor on "The Price Is Right". Barker says he’s looking for a replacement that would encourage dogs to neuter themselves.

A toddler who was served a margarita at an Applebee's last week is said to be doing well. The four people he hit driving his tricycle home, however, are still in critical condition.

A prescription pill bottle belonging to Elvis Presley was auctioned off for $2,640. Sources say Rush Limbaugh demanded his money back after discovering the bottle was empty.

Iraq is the world's second most unstable country, according to a recent survey. According to a recent President Bush, it’s Candy Land.

Duke University has reached an undisclosed financial settlement with three former lacrosse players falsely accused of raping a stripper. Adding insult to injury, the settlement will be paid out in singles.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Sorry.

Been too busy to write any jokes this week. Not even sure what's going on in the world. Are we still at war with Paris Hilton?

Thursday, June 7, 2007

In Pennsylvania, a bear tried to pull a Girl Scout out of her tent during a troop camping trip. The Girl Scout narrowly escaped, but the bear did not, and is marked down for a dozen boxes of Samoas, six boxes of Thin Mints and four boxes of Do-si-dos.


Larry and Laurie David are separating. The couple issued a joint statement saying the split is amicable, with Laurie wanting to spend more time raising awareness of global warming, and Larry wanting to spend more time raising awareness of drafty seats in Los Angles based restaurants.

In light of the ongoing drought, Los Angeles is urging residents to cut down on their use of water. Lindsay Lohan has already generously pledged to shower in Grey Goose until the drought is over.

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released because of a medical condition. Doctor’s are said to be working around the clock to dislodge the silver spoon from Paris’ throat.

A top backer of John McCain’s presidential campaign quit over the candidate’s stance on immigration. McCain’s camp plans to replace the backer with a cheaper backer willing to do the stuff his former backer didn’t want to do.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.

Investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene of Lindsay Lohan’s car crash on Saturday. Judge her all you want; at least she can still afford coke after filling up her tank.

Paul McCartney’s video for a track off his new album debuted on YouTube. Unfortunately, Paul says he won’t get to see it, as he does not get that channel.

Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast food chains are suing rival Jack In The Box to stop running ads suggesting they use cow anus to make Angus beef hamburgers. Meanwhile, cows are suing Carl’s Jr. and Hardees for making it sound like their burgers taste better than a cow’s anus.

This year’s top Cannes award, the Palme d'Or, went to Romanian film about abortion. While it was the judge’s top pick, many disturbed audience members exited during the film’s first trimester.

Monday, May 21, 2007

This week, Star Wars celebrates its 30th anniversary. Funny. Doesn’t feel like I’ve been sleeping on Wookie bed sheets that long.

Chocolate maker Mars has reversed its recent decision to use trace amounts of animal products in its chocolate bars after the announcement caused an uproar with vegetarians. The company now promises to use only trace amounts of chocolate in its new Mars Meat Bars.

Last month, US authorities rejected 257 Chinese food shipments due to food safety standards. That must suck. My delivery guy gives me attitude when he has to bike back two blocks because they forgot my dumplings.

A White House spokesman called former president and Bush critic Jimmy Carter "increasingly irrelevant" yesterday. Carter can take solace in the fact that he now holds a place in Bush’s mind alongside the UN, Congress, and reason.

Congressional Democrats plan to pull the plug on abstinence-only sex education when a $50 million grant expires in June. The move has sparked outrage among social conservative groups, whose only hope to prevent sex now is to encourage marriage.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

A woman who coached her children to fake mental retardation to collect disability benefits was sentenced to three years in prison on Thursday. Apparently, coaching her lawyer to fake mental retardation did not work out so well either.

The White House and lawmakers agreed today on a sweeping immigration plan to grant legal status to millions of illegal immigrants. They’re letting California join the union!

Former vice president Al Gore says he has "fallen out of love with politics", though he does admit that things between him and Hostess’ cream-filled cupcakes are still going hot and heavy.

Anheuser-Busch said it plans to stop selling its new malt beverage, Spykes, a product that critics claim appeals to underage drinkers. The company says it will still continue to sell beer, a product it is sure appeals to underage drinkers.

The famous island prison Alcatraz has gone under $3.5-million in renovations. Paris Hilton has already requested a room with a seaside view.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

For the second straight year, Miami drivers have earned the city the title of worst “road rage”. A little less surprising- Miami was also named the city with the worst “raft rage”.

Popular online social network MySpace said it has identified, removed and blocked "a few thousand" user profiles of convicted sex offenders. Regular pervs, however, can still count as friends.

Author J.K. Rowling appealed to people to leave the ending of the final Harry Potter book as a surprise. President Bush has asked for the same in respect to the war in Iraq.

President Bush has named a senior general to be the first American "war tsar". Lt Gen Douglas Lute is expected to co-ordinate the ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well explain to the President what happened to the “Z” in tsar.

Monday, May 14, 2007



The Bald Eagle population has reached its highest level since World War II, and may soon be removed from the endangered species list. What a relief. Bush was this close to making Harriet Myers our national bird.

Starting today, the defense department is blocking access to YouTube and MySpace to all soldiers serving overseas. In other news, army recruitment just dropped 100%.

Donald Trump became a grandfather over the weekend. The Don was so excited to welcome a new member into his family, he agreed to let the kid slide on staying at one of his properties rent-free for nine months.

At a ceremony marking the 400th anniversary of Jamestown, President Bush directed an orchestra during part of its performance of "Stars and Stripes Forever." After Bush gave back the baton to the conductor and walked away, the concert fell into chaos with the string, brass and percussion sections all battling for control of the orchestra.

President Bush has demanded action on his plan to cut U.S. gasoline use by 20 percent by 2017. Bush is already doing his part; today, he refused to pick up one of his appointees from the witness stand.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A new survey has found that Katrina has dropped off the top one-hundred list of baby names. The only less popular baby girl names today: Browny and Fema.

Singer and activist Sheryl Crow has adopted a baby boy. Not just any baby boy; this kid runs on solar power. 



A new study shows the U.S. divorce rate is the lowest it’s been since 1970. This means only one thing; Liz Taylor needs to start dating again. 



The Motion Picture Assn. of America Filmmakers has decided to consider film depictions of smoking among the criteria for assigning movie ratings. This decision has been rated FR for fucking ridiculous. 



Sources within the Pentagon say that the biggest obstacle for U.S. military recruiters today is parents. Specifically, the parents of Barbara and Jenna Bush.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

JetBlue removed its founder and chief executive David Neeleman after major service problems over the last few months. Neeleman’s departure is expected to be delayed between 9 to 12 hours.

Concert-goers attending the Boston Pops were caught off-guard when a fight broke out on opening night at Symphony Hall. Apparently, the season ticket holders don’t want to hear the band do “Freebird” as much as the rest of us.

The stars of "Ocean's Thirteen" have announced they plan to use their film to call attention to the genocide in Darfur. Just what Darfur needs to turn things around; inside jokes between George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Researchers have linked oral sex to throat cancer. Bad news for blow jobs, good news for anal sex.

The United States filed charges of conspiracy against Osama bin Laden’s driver. Also, the CIA released a statement saying they've gotten some hot new leads on the whereabouts of bin Laden’s tailor.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville ejected O.J. Simpson from his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, the other customers were uncomfortable with OJ stabbing people with a steak knife while they were trying to eat.

Today in Iraq, Vice president Dick Cheney urged that Iraq's parliament abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting. Tomorrow, Cheney flies back to Washington where he'll try to urge President Bush to abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting.

At a Time magazine dinner for the 100 most influential people, George Lucas called Spiderman 3 “silly”. Sources say Jar Jar Binks whole heartily agreed.

Ann Coulter stated that Barack Obama’s lead over Republican presidential hopefuls in the polls could help al-Qaida. She also stated that a good showing by John Edwards in the polls could help Carson Kressley.

At a fundraiser yesterday, Barack Obama told a crowd that 10,000 people had died in the Kansas tornadoes, when really only 12 were killed. Shortly after his inaccurate statement, 9,988 Obama supporters in Kansas killed themselves so he could save face.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Ty Pennington, host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested for drunk driving. Man, this guy will do anything to get community service.

The "CBS Evening News" recorded its smallest audience since 1987 last week. Katie’s not even trying anymore. Last night, her lead story was how her make-up girl sometimes smells like cheese.

The Pentagon has notified more than 35,000 Army soldiers to be prepare for deployment. And that’s just to New Jersey.

ABC has set an end date for its enormously popular show, "Lost." The timeline was then vetoed by President Bush.

A TV station run by Hamas is airing broadcasts of a militant Mickey Mouse preaching for the destruction of the US and Israel. This is not going to make Goofy’s stay at Gitmo any easier.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Today, Queen Elizabeth II will be attending a succession of ceremonies at the White House, including a special white tie dinner. It was said the President agreed to the white tie dinner only after receiving assurance that some black ties would be there too, just so no one gets the wrong impression.

The Queen’s visit will begin with a 21-gun salute, and end with her majesty walking out in a huff after Bush asked if her husband ever hooks her up with free Whoppers.

**

In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, Paris Hilton described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted. Then she requested a cell with a sunroof within walking distance to Barney’s.

Gasoline prices have surged to a record nationwide average of $3.07 per gallon. Gas is getting so expensive, Nicole Richie has vowed to only drive hybrid cars drunk.

An Oregon boy went to the doctor with an earache and found out he had spiders living in his ear. The spiders did not give him any special superpowers, though they did manage to scare away his cooties.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Iran's foreign minister walked out of a dinner of diplomats where he was seated directly across from Condoleezza Rice, saying the female violinist entertaining the gathering was dressed too revealingly. He also wasn’t terribly comfortable with Condi playing footsies with him.

Paris Hilton arrived at court 10 minutes late today for her probation violation hearing, though it really wasn’t her fault; the traffic getting out of her bedroom was ridiculous.

The famous Dodge Charger from "The Dukes of Hazzard" has sold via an Internet auction for an astonishing 9.9 million dollars, which is crazy, considering the doors don’t even work.

If the typical stay-at-home mother were paid for her work for the roles she fills as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among others, she would earn $138,095 a year. And, if she’s still putting out, that figures almost doubles.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is getting Secret Service protection, the earliest a candidate has ever received it. Then again, who knows what Hillary is capable of.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

A historian claims to have stumbled upon the identity of Jack the Ripper, the notorious Victorian serial killer who murdered at least five East London prostitutes in 1888. Finally, longtime suspect, Jack Hooker Slasher’s good name has been cleared.

Politicians in the Iraq parliament are planning on a two-month recess this summer starting this July. When he heard about the Iraq government’s vacation plans, President Bush said two can play at this, and sent 2000 more troops into the Green Zone for Spring Break.
Sniper Shots for everyone!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will meet Syrian officials today for the first high-level talks between the two countries in years. Of course, you know when they’re meeting with Condi, they’re thinking of Nancy…

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said more guns on college campuses is not the way to prevent campus violence. This may also be the reason Cheney doesn’t get asked to do a lot of commencement speeches.

Don Imus is planning on suing CBS for $40 million. Though 40 million won’t bring back his radio show, it will enable him to finally ho’ proof his ranch.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Britney Spears performed for the first time in more than three years yesterday, and, just to prove she’s still got it, during her encore she flashed her vag while both her infants crawled around backstage unattended.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been accused of indecency after he publicly kissed the hand of his former schoolteacher. He may have kissed her on the lips too, but he couldn’t pry Richard Gere off her.

A Napa Valley Hotel has replaced the Bible usually found in the nightstand drawer with a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth''. The hotel made the decision after many guests requested something to read that made them feel more doomed than the Bible.

New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine has voluntarily paid a $46 fine for violating state law by not wearing a seat belt during his recent car crash. No word yet if former Governor McGreevy plans on repaying the $79 in tolls he blew off while chasing truckers up and down the Garden State Parkway.

Recently, Ashlee Simpson told Cosmopolitan magazine, "I feel very confident with the way I look". And in the end, isn’t that all that matters after tens of thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The hit Fox show American Idol departed from its usual format last night to hold a charity fundraiser. The evening climaxed with third world poverty getting voted off in heated showdown with AIDs awareness.

Snoop Dogg has been refused entry into Australia because of his extensive criminal record. Also, his entire luggage set was made of NYC Diesel Weed.

Bush is really warming up his veto power; today he vetoed Rosie’s withdraw from “The View.”

A court issued arrest warrants for Hollywood actor Richard Gere and Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty for kissing at a public function. This seems harsh, considering in Hollywood kissing Richard Gere in public is only a misdemeanor.

A new U.S. study shows that intelligence has nothing to do with wealth. Many are questioning the study's methodology, mainly its use of Paris Hilton and a Rubik’s cube.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

ABC has announced that Rosie O'Donnell's tenure at “The View” will end in June. Also ending in June: decent ratings for “The View”.

Miss America Lauren Nelson supplied pictures of herself as a 14-year-old to help out a sting operation aiming to catch online predators. Nelson says she hopes her here work inspires young women everywhere to use their nubile bodies to attract men three times their age.

George Lucas and Mark Hamill are reuniting for a special project that spoofs Star Wars. Wasn’t that what episodes I, II and III were for?

Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president in 2008, America will be at risk for another terrorist attack on the scale of Sept. 11, 2001. He says he knows this for sure, because if a Democrat is elected, he’ll personally carry one out himself.

Republican John McCain officially entered the 2008 presidential race. So, just to be clear, all the missteps, blunders and bad sound bites up until now? That was just McCain getting warmed up, baby!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A classic-car broker who swindled actor Nicolas Cage was sentenced to five years in prison. Sadly, no new leads on the guy who sold Cage his hairpiece.

Yesterday, Tony Blair declared that bad driving is a bigger danger to the world than war. Bush must’ve been listening, because today he sent 20 thousand new traffic cops to Iraq.

Hip-hop executive Russell Simmons has recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and the "n" word from the recording industry. Not from the song lyrics, just from the nicknames they give interns.

A mineral recently discovered in Serbia has the same composition as kryptonite. Geologists claim this could answer the age-old question: why has Superman always been such a pussy when it comes to Serbia?

Rep. Dennis Kucinich plans to introduce articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Oh My God... did someone blow Dick Cheney?

Monday, April 23, 2007

A Boston man received over 5,000 calls after posting a video on YouTube with his phone number and an offer to “be there” for anyone. Unfortunately, most of the calls were from an angry Alec Baldwin threatening to come up there and straighten him out.

In light of the Virginia Tech tragedy, Congress may pass limited legislation to help keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. And if that goes well, they may pass legislation to help keep Katie Holmes out of the hands of the mentally ill.

Iran is cracking down on women not adhering to strict Islamic dress rules, arresting those whose coats are too tight, trousers excessively short or headscarves overly loose. Meanwhile, here in America, Nuns have stopped wearing panties.

Former President Russian Boris Yeltsin has died. In other news, Stolichnaya just went out of business.

The US Text Messaging Championships was held over the weekend. A13-year-old girl took home the $25,000 first place prize, which isn’t that much, considering she ran up $23,000 in texting charges during the competition.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Veteran comedian Rich Little will be the featured comedian at this year's White House Correspondents Association Dinner on Saturday. Rumor has it he’s taking off the gloves and is really going to let President Regan have it!

In a new study, researches say that fruity cocktails may count as health food. In other news, Andy Dick was spotted getting really healthy last night at Hyde.

During a stop in South Carolina, John McCain crooned the words "Bomb Iran" to a Beach Boys' tune in a joking response to a question about any possible U.S. attack on Tehran. When asked later what he was thinking, McCain’s campaign manager replied with a cover of “God only knows”.

Oliver Stone will direct a TV commercial as part of a campaign by MoveOn.org and VoteVets.org to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq. It will be the first commercial that takes two hours just to TiVo through.

In Fresno California, a openly transgender student is running for Prom King. Cinthia, who sometimes identifies herself as Tony, faces some tough competition; all her opponents are guys with penises.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

BlackBerry service went down across North America from Tuesday evening to Wednesday morning, in period that live on in infamy as, “That time I had to talk to the person I was with.”

In the wake of Don Imus' firing, a number of high-powered music-industry executives met privately in New York City to discuss artistic expression, misogynistic rap lyrics, and who gets to sign Sanjaya.

Preparations to sedate as many as 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert have enraged Serb animal lovers. So far, no one’s protested Keith Richard’s preparations to sedate himself in Belgrade.

**

A young minke whale that has drifted off course and wound up in a small bay off Brooklyn beached himself and died tonight. He will be missed, and then he will be gutted and converted into 1600 sf luxury apartment.

Experts said they were surprised to see anything that big come to New York that isn’t wearing a fanny pack and asking “which way to ground zero?”

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Dave Chappelle shattered the Laugh Factory's endurance record by taking to the comedy club's stage for six hours and seven minutes on Sunday. In other news, Carlos Mencia just came up with six hours and seven minutes of new material.

Sources say John Edwards spends $400 on his haircuts. Someone please tell Edwards that Supercuts is taking him for a ride.

Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson told a Jewish group that earning money is "part of the Jewish tradition." Part of the Thompson tradition: not getting any of that Jewish money for his campaign.

**

Hugh Hefner has contributed $2,300 to Hillary Clinton’s’08 campaign. Hef said it was the most money he’s ever given a woman he did not want to see naked.

Hillary took the contribution, explaining her campaign was young and needed the money.

Monday, April 16, 2007

A new study shows students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not. Still, if you enroll in sexual abstinence programs, your chances of bedding a virgin are better.

A powerful storm soaked the East Coast over the weekend and into Monday. In some areas, streets were flooded so severely only Barack Obama could walk on them.

Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya ran through heavy winds and rain to win the Boston Marathon today. Coming in a close second? A salmon.

Two diaries written by Anna Nicole Smith in the early 1990s failed to sell at an auction this weekend. It appears, with Anna, people only want to read the early stuff.

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her during an AIDS-awareness event. To be fair, they reacted the same way when “Autumn in New York” was released in India.

Friday, April 13, 2007



After 11 years of marriage, Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are officially divorced. Who knew my Heather Locklear poster would outlast two of her marriages… while hindering any possibilities for one of my own.

The City Council in New York City approved a bill that would make it a misdemeanor to secretly videotape movies in a theater for illegal sale. Those caught could face possible jail time, while those caught taping any new Woody Allen films will get a stern lecture about the laws of supply and demand.

MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson will be hosting a game show pilot for CBS. The show’s working title is “Who wants to be yelled at by a guy wearing a bow-tie!”

Scientists have found the gene that makes you fat. Turns out it was hiding between Rosie O'Donnell's chins the whole time.

Researchers at the Zoo Atlanta are studying the cognitive skills of two Sumatran orangutans by observing them play computer games. I can hear the parents talking to their children now: "Sweetie, look at the monkeys in their natural habitat...playing Snood."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

One week after his racist remarks outraged the nation, CBS has fired Don Imus. Sure, we’re off the hook, but his wife still has to wake up with Imus in the mornings.

Despite being fired, Imus continued his radio-thon this week, raising over $1.3 million to help feed Al Sharpton.

**

A recent installment of "Katie Couric's Notebook" consisted mostly of passages lifted verbatim from a recent Wall Street Journal column. Katie says she had no idea the passages were plagiarized and immediately fired her teleprompter.

The U.N. is looking into using NYC police in its peacekeeping missions. Finally, someone to take down those double parkers in Darfur.

Due to budgetary concerns, Sen. John McCain is cutting some of his campaign staff. The first ones to go: those who show up to work wearing “Obama 08’”pins.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Today, presidential candidate John Edwards took a shift at a nursing home, helping to dress, shave and feed elderly residents. It was nice to see him treating John McCain so kindly.

Facing a contempt of court citation, the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire surrendered to federal marshals yesterday. His bail has been set at 35,000 beads.

Prosecutors dropped all charges against the three Duke lacrosse players accused of sexually assaulting a stripper. The players celebrated by sexually assaulting the prosecuting attorney with a lacrosse stick.

DNA testing has proven Larry Birkhead to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Howard K. Stern will, however, remain her legal sponge.

Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson will serve as judges on an upcoming show aimed at finding a family of singers. According to the show’s rules, only two of the family members must exhibit any talent to win.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

MSNBC has suspended Don Imus for two weeks for his controversial remarks. For politically incorrect jabs and cranky political commentary during his absence, please tune in to your completely out of touch, racist grandfather.

Martha Stewart packed her billionaire astronaut friend a gourmet lunch consisting of duck breast confit and semolina cake with dried apricots. This should help NASA determine the effects of getting your ass kicked at zero gravity.

Al Gore is taking his "Live Earth" rock concert to New Jersey. Great place to raise awareness about climate change; good luck seeing Bon Jovi through the smog.

A new report shows there were 736 UFO sightings across Canada last year. Hey, UFO’s can get lost, too.

"American Idol" contestant San jaya Malakar is officially more popular than Harry Potter in terms of yahoo search terms. Even more popular than searches for “San jaya Malakar”? Searches for “Who in God’s name needs to know more about San jaya Malakar?”

Monday, April 9, 2007

Thanks to heavy snowfall, the Cleveland Indians will have to play their next scheduled home series against the Angels in Milwaukee's Miller Park. Al Gore is set to throw out the first explanation.

Things keep getting worse for Imus. Yesterday, he was overheard calling the Easter Bunny a “fluffy headed ho’”.

Of the 2008 presidential candidates, only Republican John McCain has been to war and served in uniform. It should be noted, however, that Mitt Romnehy once won that carnival game where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth back in ‘82.

Apple Inc. has sold its 100 millionth iPod in just over five years. Apple celebrated the milestone by releasing its 100 millionth version of the iPod.

At 102, a California woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course. Then she became the oldest golfer to drive her golf cart into a tree three times and into a lake once.

Friday, April 6, 2007

The Walt Disney Co. is now allowing same-sex couples to participate in its popular Fairy Tale Wedding program. This change in policy begs the question: Who was getting married in this Fairy Tale Wedding program before?

The final season of "The Sopranos" begins this Sunday. Out of respect, New Jersey has cancelled Easter.

The newly released British sailors said during captivity in Iran they were blindfolded, bound and even worse, repeatedly exposed to the American version of “Coupling”.

In an interview with Rush Limbaugh, Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of Al-Qaeda’s links to Saddam Hussein's Iraq.
Can we agree that this guy’s bullshit has aged as gracefully as Barbara Bush?

During her visits to Saudi Arabia, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack of female politicians. Saudi officials then asked translators why the fair skinned prostitute is speaking when not being spoken to?

Thursday, April 5, 2007

According to a mathematician who applies math to real-life situations, the New York Yankees will win a whopping 110 games this season. He also predicted Derek Jeter will bed eight supermodels, four actresses and one R&B singer before the All-Star break.

The director of the FEMA has promised that it has transformed into a premier disaster response engine and is now fully prepared for the 2006 Hurricane season.

Employees at a Quiznos in downtown Chicago were stunned when a coyote walked into the sandwich shop. Even more surprising: he didn't order the roadrunner sub on rosemary parmesan bread.

Larry King says he hopes to stay at CNN for ten more years. Of course, by then the show’s name will have been changed to “Larry King. Barely Alive.”

Barack Obama came close to matching Hillary Clinton’s $25 million raised this year. Meanwhile, John McCain was spotted in Denny’s parking lot siphoning gas so the Straight Talk Express bus could make it across town.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

In Alabama, a woman riding horseback rammed into a police car and was charged with driving under the influence. Police confirmed she was ‘out of control drunk’ when she blew a .230 into the horse.

A fired Wal-Mart worker claims he was part of a sophisticated surveillance operation that included snooping on Wal-Mart employees, critics, and stockholders.
Hmm…note to self: check new stonewash blazer for bugs.

Some good news for Brits; Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says all 15 British naval personal will be released. Also, some good news for Bush; Syria has agreed to keep Nancy Pelosi!

In his upcoming book, the Pope writes that rich countries have mercilessly plundered and sacked other poor regions for profit. The title of the book: “How I got this 40 pound solid gold bling around my neck.”

White House adviser Karl Rove was confronted by protesters blocking his car and throwing things at him after a speaking engagement at American University.
Seriously, former U.S. attorneys don’t have anything better to do?

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

A Swedish couple is locked in a court battle to name their little girl "Metallica". Swedish authorities claim the name is not suitable for a little girl, and besides, she looks more like a “Motorhead”.

KITT, the black Trans Am of Knight Rider fame, is up for sale. It’s recommended that anyone with interest should act now while its still got that new David Hasseloff smell.

Nine GOP White House hopefuls will participate in a May 3rd debate.
The subject of the debate; how fucked are we?

Today, President George W. Bush said he took climate change “very seriously”, which is his way of saying he dresses in layers.

Keith Richards has acknowledged that he had snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. Richards said he regrets his actions, and wishes he could go back and mix dad with heroin.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Los Angeles is going through its longest dry spell in at least 130 years.
It’s so dry in LA, Kevin Costner’s WaterWorld 2 just got green lit.

Iranian state radio has reported that all 15 British sailors and marines being held captive have confessed to illegally staging the Holocaust.

An Iraqi singer won the Arab version of "American Idol", receiving a whopping 7 million votes. When hearing this, Arab leaders everywhere asked, “Wait- you can get that many votes without calling for the destruction of Israel?”

U.S. evangelical Christians are embarking on a new campaign to end modern slavery around the world, unless, of course, that slavery is to the dogma of evangelicalism.

In a recent speech, potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich equated Spanish with "the language of living in a ghetto". Great way to lose an election and your hubcaps.

Friday, March 30, 2007

The creator of the "Girls Gone Wild" video series is planning on opening up a chain of restaurants under the same name. It promises to be the perfect restaurant for anyone who’s ever wished their Applebee’s waitress was drunk, underage and wearing a wet t-shirt.

After eight seasons, Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd" is ending.
I wish I could believe this. I really do.

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry told an interviewer that after her divorce she tried to take her own life. And after that failed, she made “Catwoman” in an attempt to take her own career.

Pop star Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their divorce. Federline will walk away with 1 million dollars and Britney will retain full ownership of the voices in her head.

Today, President Bush apologized for the shoddy conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and promised the problems will be fixed in time for the war with Iran.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

American Idol fans were baffled after another round of voting left the clearly less talented Sanjaya Malakar still standing. And this is shocking to a country that put George W. Bush in the White House why?

15 new first-class stamps featuring Star Wars characters were issued yesterday, finally giving Stars Wars fanatics what they’ve always wanted: the chance to lick Princess Leia.

A new marine policy bans any extra-large tattoos because they say it’s harmful to the Corps’ image. That’s right, there’s nothing more gauche than breaking the neck of an enemy with your old lady’s name inked on your forearm.

In election news, the Rev. Jesse Jackson has announced he will cast his vote for Barack Obama, the National Organization for Women has thrown its support behind Hillary Clinton, and the family of Dennis Kucinich finally came out for John Edwards.

At the Annual Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, White House advisor Karl Rove took the stage and performed a rap. This was followed by Lil’ Jon taking the stage and having eight US attorneys fired.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Oprah Winfrey announced her next book club selection is Cormac McCarthy's "The Road", a dark tale of a post-apocalyptic father-son journey. When hearing this, Oprah’s fans asked, “ um…can we get back to books about the universe giving us shiny things when we wish for them?”

The world's tallest man married a woman from his hometown nearly half his age and more than two feet shorter. He gains a wife; the Guinness Book of World Records gains a new “world’s most awkward couple”.

Burger King has stated that it will no longer buy eggs and pork from suppliers that confine their animals in cages and crates. Not to be outdone, McDonald’s has announced that all its eggs and pork will now come from food summer camp!

Two of Anna Nicole Smith's diaries have been sold for more than $500,000. It’s being said the diaries may hold the answer to the burning question that has vexed Smith's fans for years; did she have any coherent thoughts?

A pro-cannabis advocacy group says marijuana is not kosher for Passover, and advises Jews who observe the holiday to take a break from smoking weed. Of course, even if pot was kosher, good luck trying to satisfy your munchies with Matzah and gefilte fish.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Rapper Eminem and his ex-wife Kim have reached a court agreement to stop insulting each other in public. After the agreement was reached, the two remarried so they can insult each other in private.

The MySpace page of presidential candidate Senator John McCain was hacked today. When informed, McCain promptly demanded to know what MySpace is.

Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million. The crash marked Griffen’s first million dollar plus wreck that didn’t co-star Rob Schneider.

A male panda at a northern Thailand Zoo was exposed to images of panda porn to encourage him to mate with his partner. The plan seems to have worked, though the panda will now only initiate intercourse while pretending to be a bamboo delivery guy.

Jessica Simpson showed up in a Mexican border city to donate a new minivan to an orphanage. Angelina Jolie showed up minutes later, filled up the minivan, and drove off into the sunset with nine new children.

Monday, March 26, 2007

In a 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric, presidential candidate John Edwards told voters they shouldn't support him out of sympathy. Katie then reminded viewers that it’s totally cool with her if they watch the CBS Evening News out of sympathy.

Using human organs and cells, scientists have created the world's first human-sheep. Over the weekend, the sheep hung out at Starbucks and discussed American Idol with friends.

Authorities released the results of Anna Nichole’s Smith autopsy. Who knew she enjoyed cat food so much?

Sir Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday at Madison Square Garden with a special appearance from Bill Clinton. Hillary did not make the show, though her presence was still felt during Elton’s performance of, “The Bitch is Back”.

A new study says doctors who listen to different heart sounds on an iPod can improve their ability to detect a problem. The study also showed that doctors who listen to different Heart songs on their iPods improve their ability to go craaaazy on you.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Miss USA pageant takes place tonight. For those not familiar with this pageant, think “Girls Gone Wild” in sashes.

A Japanese real estate mogul is handing over eight mansions to homeless families. Wow. Imagine going from being homeless to living in a 24-room mansion without electricity.

A new report shows that college students are facing higher prices for birth control, prompting concerns that more girls entering college will put on that dreaded “freshman 7 pound, 5 ounces”.

Three New Jersey shoplifters made off with nearly $12,000 in women's underwear from a Victoria's Secret store. Even more stunning was the employees’ belief that the thieves would call them sometime.

Rudy Giuliani's wife made a shocking revelation that he’s not her second husband, but her third. Rudy then made the shocking revelation to his wife that he’s running for president, and now might not be the best time for shocking revelations.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

After having sexual contact with a dead dear, a 20-year old Wisconsin man has received probation and the distinguished honor of being the only man alive that pedophiles can look down on.

Al Gore went in front of Congress yesterday to insist that the ‘planet has a fever’, or, as Republicans prefer to call it, a ‘pain in the ass.’

A senator’s proposal to honor Justin Timberlake in his home state of Tennessee has been rebuffed by fellow politicians. Poor Justin. If only he were popping ludes by the fistful and tagging 14 year-olds.

Wal-Mart has announced new initiatives to recognize performance among its employees. Sounds like someone’s getting a free refill on their fountain soda in the employee cafeteria...

Iranian President Ahmadinejad is expected to arrive in NYC late Friday. In exchange, New York is sending Iran two delusional megalomaniacs to be named later.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A new dating site called HotEnough.org makes prospective members submit pictures to qualify for membership- perfect for those hopeless romantics who don’t want to wait until the first date to feel the sting of rejection.

Britney Spears has been released from rehab. Spears said her stay in rehab allowed her to reflect on what’s really important to her in life, whatshisname and whoseherface.

Lisa Nowak, the former astronaut fired by NASA after trying to kidnap a romantic rival has a new job developing flight lesson plans for the Navy. So far, every lesson plan involves flying into the living room of that cheap hussie he left you for.

It’s been announced that Paul McCartney is the first artist signed to Starbucks’ new record label. Dunkin’ Donuts is still in talks with Ringo.

In a recent speech, John McCain warned against the spread of socialism. Then he announced his candidacy for the 1954 presidential election.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Saddam Hussein's former Vice President was hanged for crimes against humanity earlier today. You know you’re irreverent in Iraqi politics when your hanging doesn’t even make YouTube.

After Dark Films is pulling advertisements for its movie "Captivity" featuring images of the abduction, torture and death of a young woman. Unfortunately, the studio is replacing its controversial movie ads with something even more offensive; ads for the movie “Norbit”.

By midseason, the San Francisco Giants' AT&T Park will be the first Major League park to use solar power. Upon hearing this, Barry Bonds asked how he can get some for himself and where does it gets injected.

A new study shows that cosmetic procedures are on the rise. Then you look at Rosie O’Donnell, and you think, not nearly enough.

Today was the unveiling of the Grand Canyon Skywalk, a walkway that lets visitors look straight down to the canyon floor. Next week, the Skywalk will open to the public, and for $80 you can see how many overweight tourists it'll take to break a glass floor suspended over a 4000 foot ditch.

Monday, March 19, 2007

In hopes of reaching out to prospective voters, a number of presidential candidates have created their own MySpace page. And no, adding Barack Obama does not mean you now have a black friend.

For the first time in two decades, Jeopardy ended in a three-way tie. It was the first Jeopardy to end in any type of three-way since Trebek shaved the 'stach'.

Google has announced it’s developing its own mobile phone. Leave it to Google to streamline stalking and harassing your ex.

YouTube has announced that it will hold the first Video Awards to recognize the best-user created videos of 2006. Critics say the category for “Guy with a camera and too much time on his hands” is to close to call.

A new report says that about one-third of the people living in the nation’s capital are functionally illiterate. Someone put on a sock puppet and relay this to the President, please.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The northeast is getting blasted with one more winter storm, with meteorologists predicting up to five feet of JetBlue customers sleeping at their gates.

Time magazine hits newsstands today with a new look. Hoping to attract the Web generation, each Time magazine cover will now feature a different influential world figure, pantyless.

A Wikipedia entry falsely claimed that Sinbad was dead. Chalk another one up to that rascally Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Production has begun on a fairy tale featuring Walt Disney Studio's first black princess. The “Michael Jackson Story” should hit theaters summer ‘08.

In an interview with 60 Minutes, Simon Cowell says he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen, though admittedly, he knows when he hears “boo”, they’re not saying “Simon”.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to the planning the September 11th attacks. Pentagon officials say Mohammed also confessed to plans on attacking the Sears Tower and the Empire State Building, assassinating Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and the Pope, and, if there was any time left, letting all the air out of Ashton Kutcher’s tires.

A new study shows that some birds use another bird as a “wingman” to score a mate. The primary aim of a wing-bird is to make their alpha friend appear attractive, virile and to keep him from flying home with the bloated pigeon after a night of striking out with the hot little finch.

A new report shows substance abuse on is on the rise on college campuses. Even more reason for kids to stay in school.

In Nebraska, two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside, hospitalizing them all. Many pointed out the victims were left defenseless thanks to Nebraska’s strict water spritzer control laws.

A new study suggests that sleep deprivation may lead to clouded moral judgment. I’ll say this; Bush looks good for a guy who hasn’t slept in 7 years.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The banana company Chiquita said it has agreed to a $25 million fine after admitting it paid a Colombian terrorist group for protection. Hmm... do you really need a terrorist group to protect you from hungry monkeys?

President Bush arrived back from Latin America today. He says he was treated with such warm hospitality over there that he wants to give something back... so he’s deporting Alberto Gonzales.

A New York City restaurant is charging $1000 for a pizza. Now, why would New Yorkers pay $1000 for a pizza when they can use that money to pay for 12 hours of parking?

Lindsay Lohan’s father has been released from prison. Michael Lohan told reporters he’s changed his ways and will now remain completely sober while sponging off his daughter.

Game show host Bob Barker has a chance to win his 18th Daytime Emmy…and a brand new car!!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

According to a new poll, President Bush's job approval rating has sunk to below zero. The White House was quick to point out that together, Bush and Cheney’s approval ratings still equal a positive.

Iranians are reportedly furious over the portrayal of the Greco-Persian wars by the blockbuster movie “300”. Also, they felt “Zodiac” was a worthwhile effort, but in the end meandered on with no real payoff.

In New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton described past Republican political malfeasance in the state as evidence of a "vast, right-wing conspiracy." Upon hearing the infamous term, former President Bill Clinton looked down just to make sure he wasn’t getting blown.

Fashion designer Marc Jacobs has entered rehab. Friends suspected Jacobs was relapsing when the only material he would use in his Spring collection was hemp and coca leaves.

A new report shows that exercise boosts brainpower. Excluded from this study: the gorillas at my gym.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Osama bin Laden turned 50 years old over the weekend. Never one to forget, President Bush sent the al Qaeda leader a dozen empty threats.

Arriving in Columbia this weekend, the President was greeted by angry rioters and massive protests. Bush told Columbian leaders that with that kind of treatment, he’s got a good mind to take his county’s cocaine buying habits elsewhere.

Chinese lawmakers want to remove Starbucks from Beijing's famed Forbidden City, saying its presence was a smear on China's historical legacy. Also, they don’t appreciate the adapted size denominations, “Minuscule”, “Small” and “Yao Ming”.

Halliburton is reportedly moving its corporate headquarters from Houston to Dubai. Apparently, there wasn’t enough space in Cheney’s back pocket.

Envoys from Iran and the U.S talked directly for the first time in 28 years. So far, both countries have agreed that the fat kid with the curly hair has a good shot at being the next American Idol. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Former House Speaker, Newt Gingrich has admitted to having an extramarital affair during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Shortly after Gingrich’s confession, former President Bill Clinton admitted to having an affair during Gingrich’s confession.

Eddie Van Halen has entered rehab. Rumor has it that he’s already looking to replace his lead counselor.

In anticipation of his imminent divorce, a German man used a chainsaw to cut his house in half. Sadly, it looks like he and his wife will share joint custody of the family dog.

The producers of "The Sopranos" were denied a permit to film in this North Jersey town because the mayor thinks the show negatively depicts Italian-Americans. Now there’s one New Jersey mayor clearly out of touch with his constituents.

Parents in Raymond County, Indianapolis are in an uproar over two middle school students having sex during shop class. After all, shop class is not for making love- it’s for making bongs.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards has stated he won't be participating in a debate co-hosted by Fox News Channel. And really, who can blame him; Fox was promoting the debate as “Fey and Balanced”.

A number of the new George Washington dollar coins were mistakenly issued without the inscription, "In God We Trust." Officials say they’re are still okay to use, though in the end they’re all going to coin hell.

A man who once weighed well over a half ton left his house for the first time in five years yesterday. The man says he’s learned his lesson, and this time out he’ll be buying a ten-year supply of Twinkies.

**

Marvel comic book legend Captain America has been shot dead. He is survived by his wife, Big Oil, and his children, Uninsured and Half-retarded.

Lesser-known Marvel comic superhero, Col. Naked America has called dibs on his suit.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against the two doctors responsible seeking the cost of raising her child. The doctors were close reaching a deal with the woman, until they starting adding up what the costs of therapy might be for a “failed abortion”.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was officially fired by NASA today. Though no longer employed with NASA, officials have made it clear there’s no need for Nowak to turn in her diapers.

Rosie O'Donnell says she treats her depression by hanging upside down while swinging side by side for a half an hour a day. The swinging isn’t part of the therapy; that’s just to avoid the stake her View co-hosts are trying to drive through her heart.

Three major companies have requested their ads be pulled from Anncoulter.com. Lucky for Anne, the site will still implicitly advertise attention-seeking jackasses.

A Georgia man won half of the $390 million jackpot, the richest lottery prize in U.S. history. The big winner quit his truck driving job and will start his new position as the guy you suddenly hate, effective immediately .

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Jerry Springer will be the new host of “America’s Got Talent”, marking his first hosting job where the guest’s sole talent is not shouting obscenities at a studio audience while proudly wearing a belly shirt three sizes too small.

Today, a jury found Lewis "Scooter" Libby guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury. The former aid to Dick Cheney could face up to 25 years in prison, where he'll get to go down for a whole new group of powerful men.

Jenna Bush is writing a book about a teen mother in Central America with AIDS. Though the book covers a serious topic, Jenna has assured her father it will be written on a Presidential reading level.

PETA shot off a letter to Al Gore explaining that the best way to fight global warming is to go vegetarian. Al Gore responded by eating three members of PETA.

At an auction of movie memorabilia, the brown hooded cloak worn by Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars" sold for $104,000. The excited auction winner said now all he needs is the light saber, and the fate of his virginity will be safe once again!

Monday, March 5, 2007

Over the weekend, thousands of stargazers watched the first eclipse in over three years; Bill Clinton appeared in public with Hillary.

Conservatives are trying hard to distance themselves from Ann Coulter after she called John Edwards a ‘faggot’. Ted Haggard even went as far to give Edwards a $2000 campaign contribution and his private number.

After going to the hospital for stomach pains, a 420-pound woman was surprised to learn she was in her third trimester of pregnancy. The father was shocked as well, but more so over having had sex with a 420-pound woman.

Police in Texas discovered a video of teenagers forcing a 2-year old and a 5-year old to smoke pot. The confiscated video cuts out right before the stoned toddlers went on a late-night Playdo run.

The authority of proper manners and creator of the annual list of best-mannered cities, Marjabelle Young Stewart has passed away. She will be remembered with a chorus of burps and farts her friends and family have been holding in for forty years.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese child. In other news, Brad Pitt just ran Angelina Jolie’s passport through a shredder.

The Florida teenager who has been hiccuping for five weeks straight has finally stopped. The library where she was found bludgeoned to death will be closed pending an investigation.

North Dakota is repealing a law in which unmarried couples who live together in the state are considered criminals. Now couples who live together in North Dakota will only be considered unlucky.

Warner Bros. is developing a movie based on the lives of Valerie Plame and Ambassador Joseph Wilson. As of yet, the White House has not leaked a director.

A radio station has bailed Bobby Brown from county jail in exchange for the R&B singer’s agreement to work for them for one week. The radio station said if Brown proved popular with listeners, they’d consider bailing him out of jail on a regular basis.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Last night on the CBS' Late Show With David Letterman, John McCain announced he is entering the 2008 presidential race. McCain then did a segment called "Stupid Candidate Tricks", in which he supported the troop surge in Iraq.

YouTube has announced that Presidential candidates will be posting videos on YouTube to communicate their stand on the issues. Hillary Clinton has already called the screen name, “lonelycandidate15”.

A new report shows China's population grew by almost 7 million people last year- and that’s even before they checked the dumpsters.

Lawmakers in Ohio want convicted sex offenders to have special license plates. This seems to be getting more traction than the earlier plan to make them more identifiable by forcing them all to drive ice cream trucks.

A woman in a town near Naples was suprised when she found a World War II hand grenade in a sack of potatoes she bought at the local market. The woman was even more surprised when one brave potato threw itself upon the grenade to save dinner.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

In an interview with Extra, Naomi Campbell says she’s using the healing powers of crystals to work through her anger issues. Campbell stated, “crystals bring great energy, and, when thrown with the right amount of velocity, can really remind the help who the boss is.”

The New York City Council is poised to pass a resolution today that would symbolically ban the "N-word". The ban will not be enforceable and carries no penalty, though it would alter the script used for the Kramer Reality Tour.

Today, Prince Charles said banning McDonald's fast food was the key to a healthy lifestyle. Then he went back to eating his steak & kidney pudding.

Guests attending a party for the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue may have been exposed to acute Hepatitis A. Now you can’t even ogle at SI swimsuit models without catching something.

A sorority at Depauw University is being accused of discrimination after kicking out 23 members who were either minorities or overweight. Under heavy scrutiny, the sorority was quick to point out they still have an open door policy when it comes to anorexic skanks and easy drunks.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

A group is claiming that Al Gore’s mansion consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year. In response, Gore pledged to only recharge himself using solar power.

A US watchdog group has accused chain restaurants with encouraging Americans to overeat. Apparently, not everyone is fan of Applebee’s new Deep Fried Edible Menus.

The Dow Jones took a devastating plunge today. Things got so bad, for the right price, Suze Orman was ready to unload her virginity.

The judge presiding over the Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial has dismissed one of the jurors. Sources say it was the one who kept making a case for Libby being buried in the Bahamas.

On a visit to Afghanistan, a Taliban suicide bomber struck the main American military base where Vice President Dick Cheney was staying. It was the first attempt on Cheney’s life that his own heart didn’t initiate.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Last Night’s 79th Annual Academy Awards were completely green, with organic cocktails, Leonardo DiCaprio arriving in a Toyota Prius, and Joan Rivers wearing a 100% biodegradable face.

Martin Scorsese finally got his due, winning best director for his mob epic "The Departed". Unfortunately, as the band started playing him off with “Gimme Shelter”, Scorsese instinctively gave his Oscar statuette two in the back of the head.


**

Iran has successfully launched its first rocket into space, claiming it was for research purposes. Apparently, Iran is researching how much shit they can get away with before starting World War III.

The Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery. They said they would have apologized sooner, who’s got the time when you have to harvest your own tobacco crops.

A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager told reporters he believes his decades of sexual abstinence has attributed to his longevity. Wild guess: those sexless decades include the last three.

Friday, February 23, 2007

The release of Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album has once again been postponed. With years of setbacks and no end in sight, Axle is now changing the ablum's name to “Iraq Democracy”.

In between rehab visits, a raging Britney Spears attacked the paparazzi's car with an umbrella. Somehow, this led to the arrest of Sinead O’Conner.

Fox’s hit "American Idol" announced the opening of its first children's summer camp. Let’s hope it does better than ABC’s disastrous "Camp Lost”.

In Columbia, two clowns were fatally shot during a circus performance. The victims’ families ask, in lieu of flowers, to please send flowers that squirt water.

Donald Trump is making plans to be buried in New Jersey. Sources say it’s the only state willing to let Trump build a 72-story tombstone.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

It’s being reported that Britney Spears left rehab just one day after checking in. Sources say she now only needs two more holes punched in her Patient Loyalty Card to get a free visit.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates says he had to set strict limits on the time his daughter spends on the computer. That’s right. Bill Gates is uncomfortable with his daughter monopolizing the Internet.

The executive producers of "American Idol" have been hired for this year’s Emmy Awards. So, do you think you have what it takes to be the next Sound Editing For Nonfiction Programming Idol?

**

Vice President Dick Cheney has said Britain withdrawing troops from Iraq was actually good news. Now if only Bulgaria would jump ship, we’d have this thing licked.

Denmark has announced it will also be withdrawing its troops from Iraq by summer. You know this war is not going well when the only other country willing to stick it out in Iraq is Iran.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The legal battle over where to bury Anna Nicole Smith is still dragging on. On the upside, the longer it takes, the more likely she’ll be able to squeeze into a size four casket.

Sirius Satellite Radio and XM Satellite Radio are planning to merge. Tough week for Howard Stern; first he gets engaged, and now Oprah’s moving in.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that British troops will soon withdraw from Iraq. To make the transition smooth, President Bush has ordered all Americans troops arriving in Iraq to speak with a British accent.

JetBlue Airways has issued a customer bill of rights. Thankfully not included; the right to bear arms.

Researchers have found that worrying about how you'll perform on a math test may actually contribute to a lower test score. Another main contributor to low math test scores: numbers. Big, scary, confusing numbers.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

In a ceremony outside of George Washington’s home yesterday, President Bush likened the revolutionary war to the war on terrorism. Then things got really weird when Dick Cheney rode by on horseback proclaiming, “The terrorists are coming! The terrorists are coming!”

A reality show is coming to Spike TV in which amateur detectives try to solve real-life homicides. Victims’ families can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that attention-starved reality show contestants are on the case.

If Hillary Rodham Clinton wins the presidency, some Democrats want her husband to serve out her unexpired Senate term. While flattered, Bill says he’s not rushing back into politics until he’s 100% horny enough.

Police discovered the mummified remains of a Long Island man sitting in front of a blaring television set. The news gave hope to marketers looking for ways to reach the illusive dead and gone demographic.

Doctors are close to sending home the Florida baby delivered only 21 weeks after conception. Doctors are calling the baby a tiny miracle. The mother is calling it it her favorite new key chain charm.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Today, the country celebrates President’s Day. Congress didn’t forget either; they all chipped in and got President Bush a nonbinding bouquet of roses.

JetBlue announced it would be canceling nearly 25 percent of its flights today. The airline issued an apology and asked that customers find other creative ways to not go anywhere for eleven hours.

Over the weekend in New Orleans, Mardi Gras revelers got to see actor James Gandolfini of The Sopranos lead one of the parades. You know the guy driving that float was a little nervous starting ‘er up.

**

The media is abuzz about Britney Spears shaving her head. At this point, it’s hard to tell whether her career will ever grow back.

The salon possessing Britney’s hair said it would sell it and donate the money to charity. Britney’s loss is Kevin Federline’s gain.

Friday, February 16, 2007

A doctor removed two moles from the President’s left temple today. The doctor said the moles were benign, but did express some concern about the Congress developing on his back.

Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote control, has died. A private ceremony is scheduled for Adler, where he will be buried between two couch cushions.

North Korea Kim Jong Il celebrated his 65th birthday today. Jong enjoyed a traditional birthday party, complete with presents, cake and a clown making ballon warheads.

Madonna is now saying she wants to be like Gandhi. Nicole Ricci says she just wants to be his dress size.

Al Gore's documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," has become Paramount's single most profitable release. The success of the film has Gore in talks for a sequel, "An Inconvenient Truth 2: Attack of the Drone".

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Al Gore has announced a series of concerts to focus on the threat of climate change. Some of the acts billed are Sheryl Crow, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and ironically Bon Jovi, whose hair grooming habits in the eighties sort of got us into this mess in the first place.

The Hershey Company has announced they’re laying off 1,500 workers, as the country continues to absorb the impact of Anna Nichole’s death.

The U.S. Mint has launched a new $1 coin featuring George Washington. It’s kind of like the discontinued Sacagawea dollar, but less likely to be mistaken for a Skee-Ball token.

A new movie about disgraced pop duo Milli Vanilli will soon be shot. The movie promises to reveal everything that the “Milli Vanilli Behind the Music” did, but take a 1/2 hour longer to do it.

A salmonella outbreak linked to Peter Pan peanut butter has made over 300 people ill, proving choosy mothers choose Jif, while mothers who hate their children choose Peter Pan.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Bush administration plans to allow about 7,000 Iraqi refugees to settle in the United States over the next year. The Iraqis will be welcomed with flowers, candy and taxpayer’s disbelief.

Paula Abdul told Us Weekly that she’s never been drunk. The American Idol judge claims the camera always adds about 10 vodka tonics.

An association of blind Americans has warned that cars with hybrid engines are too quiet for pedestrians. To address their concerns, hybrid carmakers have promised to equip each vehicle with Rosie O’Donnell.

Beyonce will appear on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and finally reveal what’s beneath all those layers she’s been hiding behind.

Today, the northeast experienced an onslaught of sleet and snow. The inclement weather made it virtually impossible for people to get around to buy chocolates, flowers or even a simple Valentine’s Day card for their loved one. At least that’s my excuse.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

In a new videotape, al-Qaeda's No. 2 said President Bush was an alcoholic and a lying gambler who wagered on Iraq and lost. Not his words; he was just reciting lyrics from a new Dixie Chicks song.

Lawyers for Scooter Libby say Vice President Dick Cheney will not testify in their client’s perjury and obstruction trial. Sources say they wanted him to, but couldn’t find a Bible willing to sworn upon by Cheney.

British pop star Robbie Williams has entered rehab for drug addiction, and being gay. Okay, the gay part isn’t true, but it’s really hard to get into rehab these days just for a drug addiction.

A new study shows a chemical in male sweat can boost mood, brain activity and sexual arousal in heterosexual women. It also doesn’t hurt if that sweat is worked up from carrying around large sacks of money.

The Navy announced they may be deploying anti-terrorism dolphins to protect submarines and ships at a Washington state military base. President Bush says if that works out well, he’ll promote the dolphins to guard vital sites on land.