Today, Queen Elizabeth II will be attending a succession of ceremonies at the White House, including a special white tie dinner. It was said the President agreed to the white tie dinner only after receiving assurance that some black ties would be there too, just so no one gets the wrong impression.

The Queen’s visit will begin with a 21-gun salute, and end with her majesty walking out in a huff after Bush asked if her husband ever hooks her up with free Whoppers.

**

In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, Paris Hilton described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted. Then she requested a cell with a sunroof within walking distance to Barney’s.

Gasoline prices have surged to a record nationwide average of $3.07 per gallon. Gas is getting so expensive, Nicole Richie has vowed to only drive hybrid cars drunk.

An Oregon boy went to the doctor with an earache and found out he had spiders living in his ear. The spiders did not give him any special superpowers, though they did manage to scare away his cooties.