Thursday, April 26, 2007

The hit Fox show American Idol departed from its usual format last night to hold a charity fundraiser. The evening climaxed with third world poverty getting voted off in heated showdown with AIDs awareness.

Snoop Dogg has been refused entry into Australia because of his extensive criminal record. Also, his entire luggage set was made of NYC Diesel Weed.

Bush is really warming up his veto power; today he vetoed Rosie’s withdraw from “The View.”

A court issued arrest warrants for Hollywood actor Richard Gere and Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty for kissing at a public function. This seems harsh, considering in Hollywood kissing Richard Gere in public is only a misdemeanor.

A new U.S. study shows that intelligence has nothing to do with wealth. Many are questioning the study's methodology, mainly its use of Paris Hilton and a Rubik’s cube.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

ABC has announced that Rosie O'Donnell's tenure at “The View” will end in June. Also ending in June: decent ratings for “The View”.

Miss America Lauren Nelson supplied pictures of herself as a 14-year-old to help out a sting operation aiming to catch online predators. Nelson says she hopes her here work inspires young women everywhere to use their nubile bodies to attract men three times their age.

George Lucas and Mark Hamill are reuniting for a special project that spoofs Star Wars. Wasn’t that what episodes I, II and III were for?

Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president in 2008, America will be at risk for another terrorist attack on the scale of Sept. 11, 2001. He says he knows this for sure, because if a Democrat is elected, he’ll personally carry one out himself.

Republican John McCain officially entered the 2008 presidential race. So, just to be clear, all the missteps, blunders and bad sound bites up until now? That was just McCain getting warmed up, baby!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A classic-car broker who swindled actor Nicolas Cage was sentenced to five years in prison. Sadly, no new leads on the guy who sold Cage his hairpiece.

Yesterday, Tony Blair declared that bad driving is a bigger danger to the world than war. Bush must’ve been listening, because today he sent 20 thousand new traffic cops to Iraq.

Hip-hop executive Russell Simmons has recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and the "n" word from the recording industry. Not from the song lyrics, just from the nicknames they give interns.

A mineral recently discovered in Serbia has the same composition as kryptonite. Geologists claim this could answer the age-old question: why has Superman always been such a pussy when it comes to Serbia?

Rep. Dennis Kucinich plans to introduce articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Oh My God... did someone blow Dick Cheney?

Monday, April 23, 2007

A Boston man received over 5,000 calls after posting a video on YouTube with his phone number and an offer to “be there” for anyone. Unfortunately, most of the calls were from an angry Alec Baldwin threatening to come up there and straighten him out.

In light of the Virginia Tech tragedy, Congress may pass limited legislation to help keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. And if that goes well, they may pass legislation to help keep Katie Holmes out of the hands of the mentally ill.

Iran is cracking down on women not adhering to strict Islamic dress rules, arresting those whose coats are too tight, trousers excessively short or headscarves overly loose. Meanwhile, here in America, Nuns have stopped wearing panties.

Former President Russian Boris Yeltsin has died. In other news, Stolichnaya just went out of business.

The US Text Messaging Championships was held over the weekend. A13-year-old girl took home the $25,000 first place prize, which isn’t that much, considering she ran up $23,000 in texting charges during the competition.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Veteran comedian Rich Little will be the featured comedian at this year's White House Correspondents Association Dinner on Saturday. Rumor has it he’s taking off the gloves and is really going to let President Regan have it!

In a new study, researches say that fruity cocktails may count as health food. In other news, Andy Dick was spotted getting really healthy last night at Hyde.

During a stop in South Carolina, John McCain crooned the words "Bomb Iran" to a Beach Boys' tune in a joking response to a question about any possible U.S. attack on Tehran. When asked later what he was thinking, McCain’s campaign manager replied with a cover of “God only knows”.

Oliver Stone will direct a TV commercial as part of a campaign by and to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq. It will be the first commercial that takes two hours just to TiVo through.

In Fresno California, a openly transgender student is running for Prom King. Cinthia, who sometimes identifies herself as Tony, faces some tough competition; all her opponents are guys with penises.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

BlackBerry service went down across North America from Tuesday evening to Wednesday morning, in period that live on in infamy as, “That time I had to talk to the person I was with.”

In the wake of Don Imus' firing, a number of high-powered music-industry executives met privately in New York City to discuss artistic expression, misogynistic rap lyrics, and who gets to sign Sanjaya.

Preparations to sedate as many as 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert have enraged Serb animal lovers. So far, no one’s protested Keith Richard’s preparations to sedate himself in Belgrade.


A young minke whale that has drifted off course and wound up in a small bay off Brooklyn beached himself and died tonight. He will be missed, and then he will be gutted and converted into 1600 sf luxury apartment.

Experts said they were surprised to see anything that big come to New York that isn’t wearing a fanny pack and asking “which way to ground zero?”

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Dave Chappelle shattered the Laugh Factory's endurance record by taking to the comedy club's stage for six hours and seven minutes on Sunday. In other news, Carlos Mencia just came up with six hours and seven minutes of new material.

Sources say John Edwards spends $400 on his haircuts. Someone please tell Edwards that Supercuts is taking him for a ride.

Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson told a Jewish group that earning money is "part of the Jewish tradition." Part of the Thompson tradition: not getting any of that Jewish money for his campaign.


Hugh Hefner has contributed $2,300 to Hillary Clinton’s’08 campaign. Hef said it was the most money he’s ever given a woman he did not want to see naked.

Hillary took the contribution, explaining her campaign was young and needed the money.

Monday, April 16, 2007

A new study shows students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not. Still, if you enroll in sexual abstinence programs, your chances of bedding a virgin are better.

A powerful storm soaked the East Coast over the weekend and into Monday. In some areas, streets were flooded so severely only Barack Obama could walk on them.

Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya ran through heavy winds and rain to win the Boston Marathon today. Coming in a close second? A salmon.

Two diaries written by Anna Nicole Smith in the early 1990s failed to sell at an auction this weekend. It appears, with Anna, people only want to read the early stuff.

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her during an AIDS-awareness event. To be fair, they reacted the same way when “Autumn in New York” was released in India.

Friday, April 13, 2007

After 11 years of marriage, Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are officially divorced. Who knew my Heather Locklear poster would outlast two of her marriages… while hindering any possibilities for one of my own.

The City Council in New York City approved a bill that would make it a misdemeanor to secretly videotape movies in a theater for illegal sale. Those caught could face possible jail time, while those caught taping any new Woody Allen films will get a stern lecture about the laws of supply and demand.

MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson will be hosting a game show pilot for CBS. The show’s working title is “Who wants to be yelled at by a guy wearing a bow-tie!”

Scientists have found the gene that makes you fat. Turns out it was hiding between Rosie O'Donnell's chins the whole time.

Researchers at the Zoo Atlanta are studying the cognitive skills of two Sumatran orangutans by observing them play computer games. I can hear the parents talking to their children now: "Sweetie, look at the monkeys in their natural habitat...playing Snood."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

One week after his racist remarks outraged the nation, CBS has fired Don Imus. Sure, we’re off the hook, but his wife still has to wake up with Imus in the mornings.

Despite being fired, Imus continued his radio-thon this week, raising over $1.3 million to help feed Al Sharpton.


A recent installment of "Katie Couric's Notebook" consisted mostly of passages lifted verbatim from a recent Wall Street Journal column. Katie says she had no idea the passages were plagiarized and immediately fired her teleprompter.

The U.N. is looking into using NYC police in its peacekeeping missions. Finally, someone to take down those double parkers in Darfur.

Due to budgetary concerns, Sen. John McCain is cutting some of his campaign staff. The first ones to go: those who show up to work wearing “Obama 08’”pins.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Today, presidential candidate John Edwards took a shift at a nursing home, helping to dress, shave and feed elderly residents. It was nice to see him treating John McCain so kindly.

Facing a contempt of court citation, the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire surrendered to federal marshals yesterday. His bail has been set at 35,000 beads.

Prosecutors dropped all charges against the three Duke lacrosse players accused of sexually assaulting a stripper. The players celebrated by sexually assaulting the prosecuting attorney with a lacrosse stick.

DNA testing has proven Larry Birkhead to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Howard K. Stern will, however, remain her legal sponge.

Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson will serve as judges on an upcoming show aimed at finding a family of singers. According to the show’s rules, only two of the family members must exhibit any talent to win.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

MSNBC has suspended Don Imus for two weeks for his controversial remarks. For politically incorrect jabs and cranky political commentary during his absence, please tune in to your completely out of touch, racist grandfather.

Martha Stewart packed her billionaire astronaut friend a gourmet lunch consisting of duck breast confit and semolina cake with dried apricots. This should help NASA determine the effects of getting your ass kicked at zero gravity.

Al Gore is taking his "Live Earth" rock concert to New Jersey. Great place to raise awareness about climate change; good luck seeing Bon Jovi through the smog.

A new report shows there were 736 UFO sightings across Canada last year. Hey, UFO’s can get lost, too.

"American Idol" contestant San jaya Malakar is officially more popular than Harry Potter in terms of yahoo search terms. Even more popular than searches for “San jaya Malakar”? Searches for “Who in God’s name needs to know more about San jaya Malakar?”

Monday, April 9, 2007

Thanks to heavy snowfall, the Cleveland Indians will have to play their next scheduled home series against the Angels in Milwaukee's Miller Park. Al Gore is set to throw out the first explanation.

Things keep getting worse for Imus. Yesterday, he was overheard calling the Easter Bunny a “fluffy headed ho’”.

Of the 2008 presidential candidates, only Republican John McCain has been to war and served in uniform. It should be noted, however, that Mitt Romnehy once won that carnival game where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth back in ‘82.

Apple Inc. has sold its 100 millionth iPod in just over five years. Apple celebrated the milestone by releasing its 100 millionth version of the iPod.

At 102, a California woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course. Then she became the oldest golfer to drive her golf cart into a tree three times and into a lake once.

Friday, April 6, 2007

The Walt Disney Co. is now allowing same-sex couples to participate in its popular Fairy Tale Wedding program. This change in policy begs the question: Who was getting married in this Fairy Tale Wedding program before?

The final season of "The Sopranos" begins this Sunday. Out of respect, New Jersey has cancelled Easter.

The newly released British sailors said during captivity in Iran they were blindfolded, bound and even worse, repeatedly exposed to the American version of “Coupling”.

In an interview with Rush Limbaugh, Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of Al-Qaeda’s links to Saddam Hussein's Iraq.
Can we agree that this guy’s bullshit has aged as gracefully as Barbara Bush?

During her visits to Saudi Arabia, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack of female politicians. Saudi officials then asked translators why the fair skinned prostitute is speaking when not being spoken to?

Thursday, April 5, 2007

According to a mathematician who applies math to real-life situations, the New York Yankees will win a whopping 110 games this season. He also predicted Derek Jeter will bed eight supermodels, four actresses and one R&B singer before the All-Star break.

The director of the FEMA has promised that it has transformed into a premier disaster response engine and is now fully prepared for the 2006 Hurricane season.

Employees at a Quiznos in downtown Chicago were stunned when a coyote walked into the sandwich shop. Even more surprising: he didn't order the roadrunner sub on rosemary parmesan bread.

Larry King says he hopes to stay at CNN for ten more years. Of course, by then the show’s name will have been changed to “Larry King. Barely Alive.”

Barack Obama came close to matching Hillary Clinton’s $25 million raised this year. Meanwhile, John McCain was spotted in Denny’s parking lot siphoning gas so the Straight Talk Express bus could make it across town.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

In Alabama, a woman riding horseback rammed into a police car and was charged with driving under the influence. Police confirmed she was ‘out of control drunk’ when she blew a .230 into the horse.

A fired Wal-Mart worker claims he was part of a sophisticated surveillance operation that included snooping on Wal-Mart employees, critics, and stockholders.
Hmm…note to self: check new stonewash blazer for bugs.

Some good news for Brits; Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says all 15 British naval personal will be released. Also, some good news for Bush; Syria has agreed to keep Nancy Pelosi!

In his upcoming book, the Pope writes that rich countries have mercilessly plundered and sacked other poor regions for profit. The title of the book: “How I got this 40 pound solid gold bling around my neck.”

White House adviser Karl Rove was confronted by protesters blocking his car and throwing things at him after a speaking engagement at American University.
Seriously, former U.S. attorneys don’t have anything better to do?

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

A Swedish couple is locked in a court battle to name their little girl "Metallica". Swedish authorities claim the name is not suitable for a little girl, and besides, she looks more like a “Motorhead”.

KITT, the black Trans Am of Knight Rider fame, is up for sale. It’s recommended that anyone with interest should act now while its still got that new David Hasseloff smell.

Nine GOP White House hopefuls will participate in a May 3rd debate.
The subject of the debate; how fucked are we?

Today, President George W. Bush said he took climate change “very seriously”, which is his way of saying he dresses in layers.

Keith Richards has acknowledged that he had snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. Richards said he regrets his actions, and wishes he could go back and mix dad with heroin.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Los Angeles is going through its longest dry spell in at least 130 years.
It’s so dry in LA, Kevin Costner’s WaterWorld 2 just got green lit.

Iranian state radio has reported that all 15 British sailors and marines being held captive have confessed to illegally staging the Holocaust.

An Iraqi singer won the Arab version of "American Idol", receiving a whopping 7 million votes. When hearing this, Arab leaders everywhere asked, “Wait- you can get that many votes without calling for the destruction of Israel?”

U.S. evangelical Christians are embarking on a new campaign to end modern slavery around the world, unless, of course, that slavery is to the dogma of evangelicalism.

In a recent speech, potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich equated Spanish with "the language of living in a ghetto". Great way to lose an election and your hubcaps.