Monday, September 29, 2008

Last week's jokes, today!

At the U.N. Assembly in New York this week, Sarah Palin got a chance to sit down and chat with former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger. This meeting was particular exciting for Palin, as she was a huge Kiss fan in the 70s.

FBI agents raided the home of a University of Tennessee student who allegedly hacked into Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account. The student was able to penetrate Palin’s email by dodging all questions posed by Yahoo’s password security and just charming his way in.

In his final speech before the UN General Assembly, President Bush urged the organization to do more to prevent terrorism "instead of only passing resolutions". Out of spite, the assembly immediately passed a resolution to do more than just to pass resolutions.

New York City police say they arrested more than a dozen people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game, with Joey Landorff of 158th Street leading the thieves in stolen bases.

It was reported this week that a leading Saudi Arabian cleric has put out a fatwa on Mickey Mouse, declaring him an agent of Satan. You don’t even want to hear what he has to say about Mickey’s accountant, Moshe Mouse.

In this week's issue of People magazine, Clay Aiken confirmed what we’ve known for a long time: when he finally came out, it was not going to be on the cover of “Guns and Ammo”.

Last weekend, nearly 300 tow trucks participated in a parade through New York in an attempt to break the record for the world's largest tow truck parade. In a rare show of support, the tow trucks were joined by nearly 300 illegally parked cars.

This week, David Blain hung upside-down in New York’s Central Park for 60 hours, breaking his own record for most desperate way to get your attention.

The University of California is suing about 20 protesters each for up to 10,000 dollars for their sit-in in a tree that lasted 22 months. Said protesters: “good thing we saved all that money we earned while we were living in a tree for the past 22 months!”

Officials at the CIA, the FBI and the National Security Agency are encouraging their staff members to use A-Space, a new social networking site designed for the spying community. The good news is, our spy agencies are finally sharing information; the bad news is, it’s about what their favorite movie quotes are.

A woman in Idaho named Jolee Bacon won first place at the County Fair hog calling competition, though most people felt her sister, Jolene Bacon was just as good.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Jokes that mattered for a moment at some point last week

Sarah Palin said she agreed to accept John McCain's offer to be his running mate after her three daughters voted for her to do it. It’s kind of cute, until you realize that this is how she’ll one day decide whether or not to bomb Iran.

Sarah Palin’s father told reporters that he taught her how to shoot and gut a moose. He then added, “but it was Sarah’s idea to make the moose’s family watch.”

Michelle Obama has landed on People Magazine’s best dressed list. Actually, so did Sarah Palin, but it was for their ‘Best dressed if it were still 1985’ list.

Sarah Palin said Monday that if elected, one of her roles in the McCain administration would involve promoting care for special-needs children. In other words, she’ll be hiring a full-time nanny.

CBS's "60 Minutes" will devote its full broadcast this week to John McCain and Barack Obama. Actually, the show will mostly be about Obama, but for some reason they’re giving McCain the last five minutes to gripe about how irritating he finds personalized ring tones.

The economy has really taken a turn for the worse this week. It’s so bad, today John McCain admitted he doesn’t know how many landscapers he has to lay off.

Tuesday, one of John McCain’s staff members credited the Senator with inventing the BlackBerry. McCain said it actually happened by accident when he was trying to create the first rotary cell phone.

A fund-raising dinner at which Barbra Streisand performed on Tuesday, helped raise 9 million dollars for Barack Obama's campaign. In other news, the Federal Reserve has granted ailing insurance company AIG an emergency Barbra Streisand concert.

According to a new report, Barack Obama's plans to raise taxes on people earning more than 250,000 dollars would cost wealthy New Yorkers almost 16 billion dollars. Boy, he’s just not done sticking it to the Clintons yet, is he?

A researcher has found that social networking sites have become more popular than porn sites. Experts believe this may be due to a growing trend of people preferring to masturbate to someone they know.

Paris Hilton is in mourning today after losing two of her dogs to a vicious coyote attack last night. Poor things. They probably weren’t even full afterwards.

"Lakeview Terrace" debuted at the top spot at the weekend box office. You know it’s a bad weekend for Hollywood when the most exciting film in the theater is named after the home you put your grandmother in.

Bobby Irwin, the 4 year-old son of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, was seen wrestling a baby crocodile for a potential TV pilot. The pilot’s working title is, “See you soon, Papa”.

Madame Tussaud's returned a wax figure of Adolf Hitler to its Berlin branch after someone beheaded the statue. Should we be worried that Germany has an ample supply of back-up Hitler heads?

Paul McCartney's ex-wife is donating $1 million worth of soy hamburgers, soy hot dogs and soy chicken cutlets to one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Bronx. The gesture actually made one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Bronx feel bad for Paul McCartney.

According to a new book, John Lennon had sexual fantasies about his mother as well Paul McCartney. Even more disturbing- he had sexual fantasies about Yoko Ono.

Kevin Federline skipped one of his sons' birthday parties to extend his stay at a party for a new Las Vegas club. To add insult to injury, it was the new Las Vegas Chucky Cheese Club.

According to a new study, celebrity crushes are healthy and may enhance self-esteem. You know what’s not so healthy? Stalkers with high self-esteem.

"Sex and the City" author Candace Bushnell is set to a series of novels about Carrie Bradshaw's teenage years in high school. Bushnell said readers should expect less “Sex and the City” and more “Dry Humping and the Dugout.”

Moscow is helping Cuba develop its own space center. With Russia’s help, Cuba hopes they’ll soon be able to launch their first raft into outer space.

A dog in France is believed to be the first animal to appear as a witness in a murder inquiry when he "barked furiously" at a potential suspect during a preliminary hearing. Then again, he also barked at the water fountain on the way into the courtroom, so maybe that’s the murderer?

A German shepherd called 911 when his owner was having a seizure. Then the dog called in an order for two large pizzas with extra sausage while waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

Sources say Celine Dion has 11 bodyguards while on stage. They’re not there in case a deranged fan attacks her; they’re there in case her band attacks her.

The Electronics store Best Buy plans to buy Napster for $121 million in cash. After that, Best Buy plans on joining Friendster.

Brad Pitt donated $100,000 to fight a California initiative that would make same-sex marriages illegal. Pitt is either a real friend to the gay community or he wants to make sure that adopting the world’s orphan population isn’t all on him.

Scientists have discovered that eating too many vegetable-only meals can cause your brain to shrink. And if you eat vegetable-only meals while watching the Hills, your brain completely disappears.

They’re now saying there will be two more Spider Man movies, although the plot lines may be running a bit thin. The next one is just Tobey Maguire getting the Spidey suit let out a few inches.

A Florida judge has ruled it unconstitutional to ban the wearing of saggy pants that show your underwear. Hip hop community - 1. Belts- zero.

According to a new study, children whose parents argue a lot are more likely to have problems, both in school and psychologically. I could have told you that- no you couldn’t have!

Doctors are warning David Blaine that when he hangs upside down above Central Park for 60 hours next week he risks going blind. I should have mentioned, he was planning on masturbating the whole time he was hanging upside down.

Pearl Jam front man and Chicago Cubs fan Eddie Vedder released a song for the team called "All the Way." Likewise, long-time New York Mets fan, Billy Joel fans released a song for his team. That song is called, “How can you blow this again?”

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sources say Sarah Palin's church is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll try giving them 10 minutes with Bristol Palin and see what happens.

Dick Cheney told reporters that he really enjoyed Sarah Palin's joke at the Republican National Convention about the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull. Apparently so- she’s now opening for him at the Dayton Funny Bone, September 25th through the 29th.

Vanity Fair has estimated that would-be First Lady Cindy McCain sported over $300,000 worth of designer clothes at the Republican National Convention. It should be noted that afterwards, Cindy graciously donated all the clothes to her favorite charity, “Republicans Women Wearing Only $200,000 Worth of Designer Clothes”.

John McCain says he’d pay the most well-off members of his cabinet one dollar per year. Said McCain, “if it’s good enough for my gardeners, it’s good enough for my cabinet.”

Barack Obama said in an interview this week that he once considered joining the military. He said ultimately he decided against it after realizing those people really cling to their guns.

While speaking at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Joe Biden said Hillary Clinton was more qualified than he was to be vice president. That’s when the Democrats asked the Republicans if they know of any good places to hide a Vice Presidential nominee until November.

A Jewish services group in Dothan, Alabama is offering Jewish families as much as 50,000 dollars to relocate to the small, overwhelmingly Christian town. Jews nationwide responded to the offer by asking the Christian residents of Dothan, “How much to stay put?”

It is being reported that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are expecting twins, while Jessica Simpson’s twins are expecting stares.

Police responding to calls for help from inside a New Jersey home were surprised to discover that the calls were coming from a cockatoo. Unfortunately, the police left the home before realizing the cockatoo was just mimicking the cries of help from the couple it had just bludgeoned to death.

A freshman at Michigan State University was randomly assigned to the same dorm room his father occupied in 1978. A less fun fact: it’s also the same dorm room from which his mother made her maiden “walk of shame”.

A man in Wisconsin with obsessive-compulsive disorder says that he has eaten 23,000 Big Macs since 1972. Obviously, his obsessive-compulsiveness does not include calorie counting.

A man in Washington state was sentenced to 12 years in prison after admitting that he lured his wife into putting her neck into a noose by telling her that he had set up a haunted house in their garage for Halloween. Authorities believe the women would still be alive today if only she hadn’t chosen “trick” over “treat”.

Prosecutors in Russia want to ban "South Park," calling the cartoon series "extremist" after receiving viewer complaints from religious leaders. If I were Kenny, I’d watch my back.

Polar bears at a zoo in Japan are being turned green because of algae growth in their moat…, NOT because their envious that the grizzly bears have free wi-fi and a pool table in their cave.

A 205-kilowatt photovoltaic solar array was unveiled Tuesday on the roof of the Department of Energy's main building in Washington DC. Kind of makes up for the fact that the Department of Energy keeps its Christmas lights up all year round.

Air New Zealand is offering to pay bald travelers to tattoo ads for their speedy check-in system on their heads. Many have already responded to the call, because there’s nothing sexier than bald sell-out.

MSNBC announced Monday that it is replacing Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews as co-anchors of political coverage with after the two failed to provide impartial reporting during the recent party conventions. The NBC owned network hopes to attract less controversy when it welcomes its new lead political anchor team of Al Roker and Chuck.

In time for the start of the NFL season, All-Pro wide receiver Chad Johnson has legally changed his surname to OchoCinco in recognition of his uniform number. As ridiculous as that seems, it beats his first idea of changing his name to his locker combination.

In a new tell-all book, Brittney Spears' mother reveals her daughter lost her virginity to a high school football star when she was only 14. The book goes on to say that Jamie Lynne Spears, determined not to follow in her sister’s footsteps, lost her virginity at 14 to a high school lacrosse star.

It’s been announced that there will be two more Spider Man movies, although the plot lines may be running a bit thin. The next one is just Tobey Maguire getting the Spidey suit let out a few inches.

This past Sunday, after twelve years and 5124 performances on Broadway, the hit show "Rent'" ended its run. And so begins the show’s next incarnation, “What do you mean we’re not getting our security deposit back?”

Police in Utah say actor Gary Coleman hit a fan with his truck outside a bowling alley after an argument. Police are still trying to determine what the dispute was over and how Coleman reached the gas pedal.

According to new reports, medical students are avoiding careers in general internal medicine, which could exacerbate the US doctor shortage. Thankfully, due to the success and staying power of shows like ER and Gray’s Anatomy, there will be no shortage of fake doctors in the years to come.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

In her speech last night, Governor Palin said “the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull” was “lipstick.” Other than that, they’re very similar, right down to what they name their kids.

Teenage mom Jamie Lynn Spears has sent Governor Palin’s 17-year-old Bristol a baby gift package. The baby gift package included diapers, rattles and Jamie Lynn Spears' baby, Maddie.

A huge hailstorm turned parts of central Kenya white on Wednesday. Residents say they haven’t seen anything so white in their country since Barack Obama came to visit.

In France, new legislation is set to let companies make employees work more than their normal 35-hour work-week. Many French workers have threatened to protest the new law, but not on nights or weekends.

A recent study found that people without televisions are either extremely liberal or ultraconservative. The study also found that people without televisions really like to let you know that they are people without televisions.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

In a rousing speech at the Republican convention tonight, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin fired back at her critics, slammed Barack Obama and shot a moose opposed to drilling in the Arctic Natural Wildlife Refuge.

Palin, the mother of a baby with down syndrome, promised parents of special needs children they would have a friend in the White House in her. With this promise, a single tear rolled down the cheek of Barbara Bush.

Footage has surfaced showing Governor Sarah Palin telling ministry students that the United States sent troops to fight in the Iraq war on a "task that is from God." Who knew she held Cheney in such high regard?

Former President and Chief Executive Officer of eBay also spoke at the Republican Convention last night. An awkward moment came after her speech, when she sold the podium to the highest bidder.


A new study has found men may be genetically predisposed to cheating on their mate. Just what cheating men need: an “I was born this way!” excuse.

The Florida Marlins beat the Atlanta Braves at home in front of a crowd of 600 people. After the game, it was announced the new mascot for the Marlins will be a seat filler.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

President Bush spoke at the Republican convention tonight via satellite. The Republicans were able to keep Bush from appearing live after convincing him the camera adds 10 approval-rating points.

The Republican convention began one day later than its scheduled start. As Bristol Palin says, better late than never.

Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's unwed, pregnant daughter Bristol, will be joining the family of the Alaska Governor at the GOP convention this week. He’ll be the one seated in the ‘no-choice’ section.

On his MySpace Page, the baby’s father describes himself as “a f***ing redneck'”, adding, 'Ya f *** with me I'll kick [your] ass”. Hey, at this point, the Palin family is just relieved to know he’s a republican.


Don LaFontaine, the voice of thousands of movie trailers, has died. This is one funeral…YOU…DON’T…WANT…TO…MISS.
Coming this fall.