The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville ejected O.J. Simpson from his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, the other customers were uncomfortable with OJ stabbing people with a steak knife while they were trying to eat.

Today in Iraq, Vice president Dick Cheney urged that Iraq's parliament abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting. Tomorrow, Cheney flies back to Washington where he'll try to urge President Bush to abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting.

At a Time magazine dinner for the 100 most influential people, George Lucas called Spiderman 3 “silly”. Sources say Jar Jar Binks whole heartily agreed.

Ann Coulter stated that Barack Obama’s lead over Republican presidential hopefuls in the polls could help al-Qaida. She also stated that a good showing by John Edwards in the polls could help Carson Kressley.

At a fundraiser yesterday, Barack Obama told a crowd that 10,000 people had died in the Kansas tornadoes, when really only 12 were killed. Shortly after his inaccurate statement, 9,988 Obama supporters in Kansas killed themselves so he could save face.