In his first State of the Union address since Democrats took control of Congress, President Bush is calling on Americans to cut their consumption of gasoline, support the war in Iraq, and get Nancy Pelosi to stop making the jerk off motion behind his back while he’s giving his State of the Union speech.

College students around the country are turning tonight’s State of the Union into a drinking game. The rules are, every time Bush says something that makes you want to forget we’re stuck with him for another two years, drink!

**

According to leaders of the cult-like religion, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology. Well, at least we know his second coming will have a bigger budget and more action then the first one.

A 3-year-old was kicked off an AirTran Airways flight for throwing a temper tantrum. After the incident, the airline officials are now considering arming pilots with “time outs”.

Kazakh border guards arrested a man trying to smuggle 500 parrots in his car from Uzbekistan. Border guards grew suspicious when they heard 500 voices repeat back to them, “What’s in the trunk…squuaaak!!!! What’s in the trunk”.