Ryan Seacrest told an interviewer that it is his ambition to be the Dick Clark for our generation, the Merv Griffin for our generation, and the Larry King for our generation. Upon hearing this, our generation replied, "we were with you up until Larry King".

A registered sex offender once busted for trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl is running for mayor of a small Texas town. He claims to have learned from his past mistakes, as evidenced by his campaign slogan, “old enough to vote, old enough to arrange sex with.”

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling has revealed she thought of killing herself when she was a broke, single mother. Sources say Rowling still has the seven-volume suicide note to prove it.

The White House told a federal court that its older computer hard drives have been destroyed. This means the missing e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may never be recovered, and Bush has no way of ever proving he once broke 500,000 on Snood.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter yesterday. For those who don’t follow religion, Easter marks the resurrection of Christ, the guy people worshiped before Obama came along.