AC/DC's next studio album will be sold exclusively at Wal-Mart stores. No one is saying they sold out, but the first single planned for release is, “For those about to shop, (we salute you).”

Presidential candidate John McCain joked that he’s using Google to search for his running mate. In all seriousness, he’s using eHarmony.

Archaeologists have unearthed what they claim is the world's first church in Jordan. They’re planning on returning to dig the rest of it up on Easter and Christmas.

Verizon, Sprint and Time Warner Cable have agreed with New York state officials to block access to child pornography. This marks a sharp turnaround from their prior policy: free child porn for the first month.

Supermarkets and restaurants are yanking certain varieties of tomatoes after a 17-state salmonella outbreak. In other news, Fozzie Bear has cancelled all upcoming appearances until further notice.

President Bush begins his last tour through Europe today. You can tell they're going to miss him over there; the protesters were burning paper mache going-away cakes in effigy.

Today Bush will attend the EU-US Summit in Ljubljana. Bush spent the weekend preparing by trying to sound out the name “Ljubljana”.

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Pamela Anderson is selling her prized Dodge Viper and donating the proceeds to PETA. Anderson said it’s only right, given how many animals she screwed to get that car.

Leonardo DiCaprio is set to star in a biopic about Nolan Bushnell, the founder of "Atari". So, if you thought playing "Pong" was exciting, then just wait till you see how it was invented.

Prince celebrated his 50th birthday this weekend. He planned to celebrate the milestone birthday like it was 1999, but was only able to stay awake until 9:59.

During a townhall event in Florida, John McCain said he would like to see NASA put a man on Mars. Then he got really crazy and said he’d like to see the republicans put a man in the White House.

McCain commented that one of his favorite childhood books had been Ray Bradbury's 1950 novel "The Martian Chronicles," about humans colonizing Mars. One invasion at a time, ol’ fella.

When asked to respond, Barack Obama said he would work to pull a man off of Mars.

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Barack Obama met privately Hillary Clinton on Thursday in Washington. No one knows what exactly what was discussed, but Barack did say he only had to use their “safe word” twice during the meeting.

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Yesterday, two daredevils climbed the New York Times building in midtown Manhattan just hours apart. Both originally planned to climb the Fox News building, but found it way too slippery.

Following the daring stunts, the New Times heightened its building security today, with several of its columnists requiring special clearance just to climb into their ivory towers.

The AP released a story today claiming that Hillary Clinton will drop her presidential bid this evening. How about that? Barack quits church- three days later, he witnesses his first miracle.

Sources have confirmed that if Clinton were offered the VP post, she would seriously consider Barack Obama as her running mate.

Some top Clinton campaign officials have denied the AP report, saying they still firmly believe that only Clinton can defeat herself in November.

Among the many regrets the Clinton campaign must live with, the most painful will likely be not stickering enough babies' heads earlier in the campaign.

A fire shut down Universal Studios film and TV studio on Sunday. The fire managed to destroy a popular "King Kong" attraction, but not before the ape took out several LAFD rescue helicopters.

The fire also swept through some the Universal’s most famous sets, such as the town square from "Back to the Future." Someone should have seen that one coming.

The fire got close to the nearby MTV Movie awards, but was turned away after its name could not be found on the list.

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Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers who wore women's thongs over their heads while holding up a convenience store. Police are on the look out for two freshman that really want to get into that fraternity.

"Sex and the City" was the biggest movie of the weekend. I don’t want to spoil anything, but your girlfriend will be slightly more obnoxious for a 24-hour period after seeing this movie.

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh have successfully trained a group of monkeys to use their mind to command a robot arm to feed them marshmallows. Through this, researchers hope to create the laziest monkeys ever.

Outgoing Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is writing a book. The announcement came after Craig exited a truck stop restroom and his wife asked what took him so long in there.

New York’s Governor David Paterson has told state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages. So, a 2-hour Sex & the City movie wasn’t enough?

Sen. Barack Obama is considering a trip to Iraq before the November elections. Hillary too, but just for pleasure.

In Tallahassee, a 101-year-old woman got her driving license renewed. Afterwards, the woman complained her new license picture makes her look old.

On Sunday, John McCain held a barbeque at his Arizona home for the presumptive Republican Vice President nominees and Secretary of Potato Salad hopefuls.

While chatting at least briefly with all of the potential running mates, much of McCain’s time was spent keeping Mitt Romney’s hair away from the open flame.

Sources say guests were treated to overcooked burgers, as a wary McCain refused to pull them off the grill too soon.

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Hillary Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico over the weekend. A decisive victory in the Puerto Rico primary would keep alive Clinton’s dream of becoming the next President of East Harlem.

If nothing else, the visit to the island gave Clinton an opportunity to break in her new belly pantsuit.

Barack Obama visited a conservative Synagogue in the center of Florida’s Jewish community yesterday. Obama spent half the time speaking about the security of Israel and the other half explaining why he couldn’t stay longer for coffee and nosh.

Barack asked members of the Synagogue not to judge him because he has a funny name. “I’m not sure that’s possible”, responded the temple’s Rabbi, Moshi Rubenstein.

Barack left Florida with a deep sense of guilt over not campaigning there enough.


**

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended tough interrogation techniques approved by the Bush administration, saying they were necessary to protect the U.S. from new attacks. Rice added, “besides, they’re the only way to get Cheney to smile these days.”

A mother was sentenced to 20 years in prison Thursday for keeping her 17-year-old adopted son caged in her home. The teen felt justice had been served, until he learned her cage would have indoor plumbing.

440 children from a polygamist sect's ranch may be headed back home after an appellate court decision upended the custody case that sent more them into foster care. This is exciting news for the sect’s children, who just want to go back to a place where kids can be wives.

Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison. Out of habit, Pearlman tried to get something closer 18 years.

Sources say Pearlman plans to spend his time in jail forming the ultimate boy-fondler band.

**

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain is set to release his health records. The McCain camp hopes the records put to rest the damaging rumors that McCain’s been dead for two years.

President Bush announced today that under a new change in policy, the US will allow Americans to send mobile phones to relatives in Cuba. Bush explained that Cubans have just as much a right to vote for the next American Idol as we do.

A mob stormed the homes of elderly people accused of witchcraft in southwestern Kenya, burning 11 of them to death. Tough time to be a witch in Kenya.

A Girl Scout reportedly sold 17,328 boxes of the group's signature cookies this year. This smashes the previous record set by some other little girl with a pushy mother with lots of coworkers.

In other cookie news, an overturned trailer spilled out 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos onto Interstate 80 in Illinois. On the upside, the highway grew from two lanes to four.

Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and Portia de Rossi will wed during a taping of her talk show. Sources say Rosie O’Donnell has agreed to be the best man.

An American soldier used a Quran for target practice in Iraq, prompting an apology from the U.S. military. In the soldier’s defense, the book shot at him first.

A 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin. Even worse, found in the embryonic twin’s stomach was a set of Russian nesting dolls.

Former presidential Democratic candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama earlier today. In other news, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton came out for Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's camp denies she's desperate for good news, but did confirm she has demanded a recount in West Virginia.

The Interior Department declared the polar bear a threatened species Wednesday. John Edwards responded by saying he’s ready to endorse whatever bears are running against them.

Barack Obama also won the endorsement of NARAL Pro-Choice America, a leading abortion rights advocacy organization. The group had supported Hillary Clinton throughout her political career, but let’s face it, this is a group that knows how to sever its ties.

In a television interview, it came out that Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie is expecting twins. Jolie said it doesn't matter whether the twins wind up being fraternal or identical, she’s going to treat them as if they’re her own.

Jenna Bush was married over the weekend at the president's Texas ranch. Sources say it was a lovely ceremony, despite Dick Cheney open firing when the doves were released.

Bush’s polls numbers are so low, Jenna made him walk five feet behind her down the aisle.

The president hasn’t been this emotional since he had to give away Donald Rumsfeld.

Predictions vary on how long it will take for Bush to screw up this union.

**

Three Texas teens were busted for digging up a corpse and using its head as a bong. Authorities say they probably could have gotten away with it if they hadn’t chose to dig up a corpse from an ancient narc burial ground.

Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. His family has not yet decided whether Robbins will be laid to rest in a cup or a cone.

A Columbia co-ed figured out that Lindsay Lohan had walked out of a party wearing her $11,000 mink coat when she saw a picture of the star wearing the fur in a recent issue of OK Magazine. Coincidentally, this is the same way the mink found out who was wearing his coat, too.

**

Despite a loss in North Carolina and an unimpressive win in Indiana, Hillary Clinton has vowed to go " full speed on to the White House”. She’ll be the one careening down the road with the “I Break For Super Delegates” bumper sticker.

Clinton later added, if she had to, she’d be willing to carpool there with Obama.

As if Hillary’s night couldn’t get any worse, Lindsay Lohan walked out of her rally wearing her favorite pantsuit.

At the Kentucky Derby, a filly named Eight Belles had to be euthanized after being edged out in the race of her life against all her male competition. Horse racing fans are calling it a tragedy, Barack Obama is calling it a story of hope.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by just seven votes in Guam's nominating contest on Saturday. Of course, Hillary was outspent in Guam 2 to 1. Literally, Obama spent $2 there, Hillary spent $1.

Barack doesn’t actually gain any delegates from the win in Guam, but will receive a lovely vacation for three days and two nights in the tropical paradise, airfare not included.

**

Fifteen people were inducted into New Jersey's new Hall of Fame on Sunday. All Fifteen promised to pick their plaque the next time they’re driving through.

Among the inductees were Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, astronaut Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, and thanks to the online voting system, Vito from Vito’s Custom Detailing Shop in Bloomfeild, N.J, just off Route 506.

A 3-year-old boy took first place in a Minnesota mullet contest. In his acceptance speech, the boy made sure to thank his parents for being dicks.

**

David Blaine broke the world record holding his breath on The Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, lasting 17 minutes and 4 seconds. Then, later on in the show, Dr. Phil came out and held his bullshit for 2 minutes, a personal best.

On hand in a rare audience appearance was Steadman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend and the previous holder of the record.

**

Islanders from Lesbos have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name, saying it insults the identity of the people of Lesbos, also known as Lesbians. Wait- The Lesbos vs. The Lesbians? HOT!

Seriously, why can’t this be settled over bowling and shots of Tequila like most lesbian wars?*

(*author knows nothing about how actual lesbian warfare is conducted)

Albert Hofmann, the father of the mind-altering drug LSD, has died, or permanently “dropped out”. Thousands will gather to mourn Hofmann and watch his casket melt into the ground.

Federal authorities said the South Carolina teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told them that he wanted to die so he could go to heaven and kill Jesus. While unsuccessful, the teen was honored with “Mass Murder Plan With The Most Plot Holes Award”.

Magician David Blaine will attempt break the world record for breath-holding in front of millions on the Oprah Winfrey show. The stunt will also allow Winfrey to get a rare word in edgewise.

**

Rev. Jeremiah Wright continues to undermine Barack Obama’s presidential aspirations. Yesterday he gave an interview accusing the U.S. government of canceling "The Bernie Mac Show".

Obama said if he knew belonging to Rev. Wright’s church would haunt him this much, he would’ve joined the Latter Day Saints church, Texas branch, and had some real fun.

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year-old Disney star, has apologized to fans for suggestive photos taken for Vanity Fair. The singer only hopes her mistake can serve as a lesson to other teens during their photo shoots with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Miley says she was led to believe the photos would be ‘artistic’, you know, like ‘Hanna Montana lunch box classy’.

The Walt Disney Company, owner of the multibillion dollar “Hannah Montana franchise”, released this statement, "… a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.” adding, “We totally missed the boat on this one.”

Vanity Fair has pointed out that the Cyrus family was present during the shoot, mostly because Billy Ray wanted to show everyone how he could still unsnap a bra with one hand.

Even with the provocative pictures hitting newsstands, Cyrus is still 2 DUIs and 4 public meltdowns short of bringing disgrace to the Disney pop star legacy.

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President Bush announced the economic-stimulus tax rebates will begin going out Monday. Great. Now Hillary knows I’ve got 600 bucks to burn.

Bush says the rebates should offset high energy and food prices. That’s the President’s way of saying you don’t have to cancel that trip to the Chinese restaurant this summer!

Actor Wesley Snipes admits he's already evaded his check.


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The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have agreed to donate memorabilia to the University of California at Santa Cruz. Guess that's one way to get someone to hold your stash.

Tom Cruise is coming back to Oprah for a special two-part show. Cruise promised Oprah no craziness this time- he just wants to chat about the aliens among us that only he can beat up.

After a yearlong battle, Atlantic City’s city council voted to ban smoking on the floors of its casinos on Wednesday. Finally, Atlantic City is vice free!

The ruling was a huge win for casino workers who want nothing masking the smell of the alcoholic whose been up two days trying to win his mortgage back.

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FHM magazine readers voted model-actress Megan Fox the sexiest woman in the world. It should be noted, if you factor in votes from Florida and Michigan, Hillary Clinton becomes the sexiest woman in the world.

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The 437 children taken from the polygamist compound in Texas are being scattered to foster homes across the state. Child Protective Services say the children are well behaved and come with their own frontier kid Halloween costume.

Child Protective Services have concerns about the culture shock in store for these children who have never been exposed to television, video games, or sex outside of marriage.