Jenna Bush was married over the weekend at the president's Texas ranch. Sources say it was a lovely ceremony, despite Dick Cheney open firing when the doves were released.

Bush’s polls numbers are so low, Jenna made him walk five feet behind her down the aisle.

The president hasn’t been this emotional since he had to give away Donald Rumsfeld.

Predictions vary on how long it will take for Bush to screw up this union.

**

Three Texas teens were busted for digging up a corpse and using its head as a bong. Authorities say they probably could have gotten away with it if they hadn’t chose to dig up a corpse from an ancient narc burial ground.

Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. His family has not yet decided whether Robbins will be laid to rest in a cup or a cone.

A Columbia co-ed figured out that Lindsay Lohan had walked out of a party wearing her $11,000 mink coat when she saw a picture of the star wearing the fur in a recent issue of OK Magazine. Coincidentally, this is the same way the mink found out who was wearing his coat, too.

**

Despite a loss in North Carolina and an unimpressive win in Indiana, Hillary Clinton has vowed to go " full speed on to the White House”. She’ll be the one careening down the road with the “I Break For Super Delegates” bumper sticker.

Clinton later added, if she had to, she’d be willing to carpool there with Obama.

As if Hillary’s night couldn’t get any worse, Lindsay Lohan walked out of her rally wearing her favorite pantsuit.

At the Kentucky Derby, a filly named Eight Belles had to be euthanized after being edged out in the race of her life against all her male competition. Horse racing fans are calling it a tragedy, Barack Obama is calling it a story of hope.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by just seven votes in Guam's nominating contest on Saturday. Of course, Hillary was outspent in Guam 2 to 1. Literally, Obama spent $2 there, Hillary spent $1.

Barack doesn’t actually gain any delegates from the win in Guam, but will receive a lovely vacation for three days and two nights in the tropical paradise, airfare not included.

**

Fifteen people were inducted into New Jersey's new Hall of Fame on Sunday. All Fifteen promised to pick their plaque the next time they’re driving through.

Among the inductees were Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, astronaut Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, and thanks to the online voting system, Vito from Vito’s Custom Detailing Shop in Bloomfeild, N.J, just off Route 506.

A 3-year-old boy took first place in a Minnesota mullet contest. In his acceptance speech, the boy made sure to thank his parents for being dicks.

**

David Blaine broke the world record holding his breath on The Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, lasting 17 minutes and 4 seconds. Then, later on in the show, Dr. Phil came out and held his bullshit for 2 minutes, a personal best.

On hand in a rare audience appearance was Steadman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend and the previous holder of the record.

**

Islanders from Lesbos have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name, saying it insults the identity of the people of Lesbos, also known as Lesbians. Wait- The Lesbos vs. The Lesbians? HOT!

Seriously, why can’t this be settled over bowling and shots of Tequila like most lesbian wars?*

(*author knows nothing about how actual lesbian warfare is conducted)

Albert Hofmann, the father of the mind-altering drug LSD, has died, or permanently “dropped out”. Thousands will gather to mourn Hofmann and watch his casket melt into the ground.

Federal authorities said the South Carolina teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told them that he wanted to die so he could go to heaven and kill Jesus. While unsuccessful, the teen was honored with “Mass Murder Plan With The Most Plot Holes Award”.

Magician David Blaine will attempt break the world record for breath-holding in front of millions on the Oprah Winfrey show. The stunt will also allow Winfrey to get a rare word in edgewise.

**

Rev. Jeremiah Wright continues to undermine Barack Obama’s presidential aspirations. Yesterday he gave an interview accusing the U.S. government of canceling "The Bernie Mac Show".

Obama said if he knew belonging to Rev. Wright’s church would haunt him this much, he would’ve joined the Latter Day Saints church, Texas branch, and had some real fun.

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year-old Disney star, has apologized to fans for suggestive photos taken for Vanity Fair. The singer only hopes her mistake can serve as a lesson to other teens during their photo shoots with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Miley says she was led to believe the photos would be ‘artistic’, you know, like ‘Hanna Montana lunch box classy’.

The Walt Disney Company, owner of the multibillion dollar “Hannah Montana franchise”, released this statement, "… a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.” adding, “We totally missed the boat on this one.”

Vanity Fair has pointed out that the Cyrus family was present during the shoot, mostly because Billy Ray wanted to show everyone how he could still unsnap a bra with one hand.

Even with the provocative pictures hitting newsstands, Cyrus is still 2 DUIs and 4 public meltdowns short of bringing disgrace to the Disney pop star legacy.

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President Bush announced the economic-stimulus tax rebates will begin going out Monday. Great. Now Hillary knows I’ve got 600 bucks to burn.

Bush says the rebates should offset high energy and food prices. That’s the President’s way of saying you don’t have to cancel that trip to the Chinese restaurant this summer!

Actor Wesley Snipes admits he's already evaded his check.


**

The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have agreed to donate memorabilia to the University of California at Santa Cruz. Guess that's one way to get someone to hold your stash.

Tom Cruise is coming back to Oprah for a special two-part show. Cruise promised Oprah no craziness this time- he just wants to chat about the aliens among us that only he can beat up.

After a yearlong battle, Atlantic City’s city council voted to ban smoking on the floors of its casinos on Wednesday. Finally, Atlantic City is vice free!

The ruling was a huge win for casino workers who want nothing masking the smell of the alcoholic whose been up two days trying to win his mortgage back.

---

FHM magazine readers voted model-actress Megan Fox the sexiest woman in the world. It should be noted, if you factor in votes from Florida and Michigan, Hillary Clinton becomes the sexiest woman in the world.

---

The 437 children taken from the polygamist compound in Texas are being scattered to foster homes across the state. Child Protective Services say the children are well behaved and come with their own frontier kid Halloween costume.

Child Protective Services have concerns about the culture shock in store for these children who have never been exposed to television, video games, or sex outside of marriage.

This week, Laura and Jenna Bush are busy promoting their children’s book about a boy who discovers the excitement of reading. The President has already stated he’s waiting for the cartoon.

In the hours after winning Pennsylvania's Democratic presidential primary, Hillary Clinton raised $3 million, or as Obama calls it, “tip money”.

A new government report has found that the upper Midwest has the worst drunken driving rates in the country. This may explain why people in the upper Midwest are having such a hard time finding their way out of the upper Midwest.

**

A California investor has plans to develop an amusement park in downtown Baghdad. Planners predict of the 500-acre park will attract Iraqis from all over who are willing to wait in long lines to get blown up.

While the Shiites and Sunnis have not been able to come together at the negotiating table, the Iraqi government has high hopes that things will be different at the negotiating tea cups.

Democratic voters in Pennsylvania came out to vote in the first primary in six weeks. I don’t want to say Hillary was nervous about this one, but she spent the entire afternoon in Amish country doing cider shots.

In an interview with ABC this morning, Hillary warned that, as president, she could "totally obliterate" Iran if it attacked Israel. This answer was surprising, considering the question was, “how ya holding up?”

Hillary acknowledged today that her White House bid rides on the outcome of the Pennsylvania primary. She then caught a glimpse of her shadow and said, “Fuck it- I’m in it for 6 more weeks either way!”

Today, Michael Moore has announced he is backing Barak Obama for President. The endorsement should be a big help to Barack in next week’s Cuban primaries.

The pope wound up his visit by holding a mass at Yankee stadium, which was conveniently rolled into the Yankees annual Staff Day.

Many on hand for the mass said they felt God’s presence there with them, though they knew He’d be gone come postseason.

The Pope’s service didn’t impress everyone, as the news came down halfway through the service that Steinbrenner had traded his Holiness for two Cardinals and one Bishop to be named later.

***
Republican presidential candidate John McCain spends this week visiting economically struggling areas of the country. First stop: Clinton campaign headquarters.

Barack Obama was greeted by 35,000 people in Philadelphia, the largest crowd of his campaign. Unfortunately, they were all wearing crosses and holding shotguns.

A Maryland mother has given birth to a rare set of quadruplets in which three of the four boys are identical. It’s like having one lead baby with his own set of backup criers.

A homeless New York man found two sets of confidential blueprints for the planned Freedom Tower carelessly dumped in a city garbage can. Come on people- there’s a reason we have Freedom Shredders.

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a newspaper report that he had divorced his wife Lyudmila and planned to marry a gymnastics champion. He does, however, wish Lyudmila was at least flexible enough to do the “Upside Down Sickle” once in a while.

A passenger who was praying in the back of the plane before take off was removed after refusing to return to his seat. You’d think he would’ve preferred to save his prayers till 30,000 feet up, where he's more likely to get a signal.

A newly formed NBC Universal production unit is teaming up with an advertising agency to create programs around sponsors' products. So if you liked “Cavemen”, you’ll love NBC’s upcoming “Bears Shitting in the Woods Variety Hour.”

While in town, Pope Benedict has been meeting privately for talk and prayer sessions with survivors of clergy sexual abuse scandal. Many critics of the church are praising the Pope’s efforts to reach out to the victims, though most agree that dubbing these private meetings the “seven minutes in heaven” tour is a bit inappropriate.

Today, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with all three presidential candidates. Brown remarked he looks forward to working with an allay who doesn’t greet his every visit to the States with, “Whatja bring me?”

Sen. Barack Obama suggested he doesn't see any point in another debate with Hillary Clinton after last night’s debate failed to focus on the real problems facing average voters. Sounds like the words of someone who wants to avoid explaining why he never smells like apple pie…

Edward Lorenz, a meteorologist who became the father of the modern field of chaos theory, died. Doctors say the cause of death was cancer, while others theorize he was blown out of his hospital bed by a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia.

The women's cable channel Lifetime is in talks with Donald Trump to executive produce and narrate a scripted series. It’s been speculated on for years, but it can now be said with some degree of certainty; Lifetime has low self-esteem.

A crowd of more than 9,000 gathered on the South Lawn of the White House to celebrate the birthday of Pope Benedict XVI. The celebration was capped off with Pope Benedict twisting up a balloon cross for President Bush.

An ex-nanny for Rob Lowe publicly accused the actor of sexually abusing her for years. The woman claims she could not bring herself to alert the authorities until now because she “needed the job” and “come on- Rob Lowe is like every sexual abuse victim’s dream.”

A computer programmer popped the question to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite video game so the proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain level. The joyous occasion was short-lived as the woman was shot dead by an alien soldier moments after the proposal.

During a stop at Villanova University, a student asked John McCain to join him to do a shot. Senator McCain declined, at which point Hillary Clinton showed up and did kegs stands with the students until they had to pump her stomach.

Sen. Clinton outlined an aggressive agenda for her first 100 days in the White House. Day one: Show up at White House with furniture and inform the Obama’s you’re moving in.

A blind British runner became only the third person ever to complete seven marathons on seven continents in seven days. The man’s seeing eye dog, released this statement: “F this guy. I want a new assignment.”

Former defense secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld is working on his memoir. Rumsfeld believes he can tell his story in 100 pages, while his publisher is insisting on another 400 pages to do the job right.

A short film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man has been purchased for $1.5 million. The buyer promised the seller the video will be kept from the public’s eye and promised himself that this is positively it for porn for the rest of year.

A new form of cloning has been developed that is easier to carry out than old techniques, raising fears that it may be used to produce "designer" babies, possibly leading to an increase in illegal but highly trendy, designer back alley abortions.

The President greets the Pope in Washington today. To keep Bush from asking too many questions, his aids told him it was crazy hat day and left it at that.

A Red Sox fan attempted to jinx the new Yankee Stadium by burying a Boston team jersey under the new ballpark. Meanwhile across town, someone tried to jinx the new Mets stadium by burying a Mets jersey under it.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor traffic accident late Saturday. There was no drinking, drugs or babies involved, so Spears was let off with only a warning to make it more interesting next time.

Employees of the "Dr. Phil" television show posted bail for one of the Florida teenagers jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen. Let this be a lesson to anyone who beats someone within an inch of their life and wants to take their story to Povich.

After a week of cancellations, American Airlines says that its flight schedules are back to normal this week. Employees and customers of the airline are looking forward to getting back to delays.

An author who wrote several books for the popular Lonely Planet series of guidebooks says he made up large sections. Lonely Planet apologized to anyone who went to Chile expecting to see the world’s largest bowl of Chili.

American Airlines has grounded another 595 flights. Finally, an airline that caters to people with a fear of flying.

A frog has been found in a remote part of Indonesia that has no lungs. The frog was discovered smoking Camel Lights with abandon.

Barack Obama said if elected President, he'd end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays in the military. Good luck getting them to pull out.

A new chip is on the horizon that will let your iPod store 500,000 songs. Imagine having all the songs you love, plus all the ones you hate, on one device.

Rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested in South Florida for striking his wife. Vanilla was charged with simple battery, despite his promise that it was a one hit wonder.

The New York Police Department will soon begin randomly testing its police officers for steroid abuse. Those testing positive will be immediately transferred off the force and onto the Yankees.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the current economic slowdown is nothing like the Great Depression of the 1930s. He then ran headlong into a plexiglass window, bounced off of it and exclaimed to reporters, “See?”

CBS is canceling its new reality show "Secret Talents of the Stars" after only one episode. Now the public will have to settle for only knowing only the overt talents of Mr. Danny Bonaduce.

Microsoft Corp unveiled a web-based service for driving directions that helps its users avoid traffic jams. The service also gives drivers 10 points for every Mac user they hit.

Sean Penn and his wife, Robin Wright Penn, have withdrawn their divorce petition. Robin Wright Penn released a statement saying, “Why should Sean be the only one that has to live with himself”.

Several members of a Florida cheerleading squad have been arrested on charges of beating another teen with the intent to post it on YouTube. To give credit where credit's due, they did serve up the beating with a lot of spirit.

According to a new survey, the Bible is the most popular book in America. The survey was conducted on 2,513 adults trapped in hotel rooms.

The Pentagon has announced it is sending its new hand-held lie detectors to Afghanistan. Pentagon officials hope that sending them out of Washington will get them to stop beeping so loudly.

Tonight, all three Presidential hopefuls are scheduled to make an appearance on American Idol’s highly anticipated special, "Idol Gives Back". This will be followed immediately by the even more highly anticipated special, “Hillary Gives Up”.

A Viking ship made from ice-cream sticks set sail for England from the Netherlands on Tuesday. The ship was last seen entering the mouth of a whale getting checked for a sore throat.

Scientists have discovered that Solobacterium moorei is the bug responsible for bad breath. Unfortunately, no one has the nerve to tell Solobacterium moorei that it is the bug responsible for bad breath.

Hillary Clinton called on President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. Bush replied “only if they don’t let me throw out the first pitch”.

China has condemned protesters in London and France for their attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch, saying “if it was a monk on fire that was passing through your country, you wouldn’t try to put him out, would you? Oh… You would? Really? Hmm. Never mind”.

A new survey from the hotel chain Travelodge found that Britons like a dose of music from the band Coldplay to help them fall asleep. Wow. Using your music as a sleep aid- it’s every band’s rock and roll fantasy.

The parents of an Indian infant girl say she is doing fine despite having two pairs of eyes and lips and two noses. The parents added that they’re much more concerned with her twin brother, Little Timmy Two Sacks.

Police used tear gas early Sunday to disperse a crowd at a large party near the campus of Michigan State University. Pressure’s on, anyone throwing a party near the campus of Michigan State University in the near future.

Sunday, protesters made attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch as it arrived in London. Guess no one told the poor fools that this year’s Olympic torch was lit using the same technology as trick birthday candles.

A new study shows having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women. And if it's taking longer, then someone’s slacking off.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of what a hot a bride Beyonce made, she was proposed to four times during her walk down the isle.

Over the weekend, John McCain called for a campaign that is more like a respectful argument among friends. Someone please remind McCain he’s running for president, not debating who was hotter in their day, Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor.

This week, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a transgender man who is in his six-month of pregnancy. The man disclosed to Winfrey that the baby is going to be a girl, at least at first.

Heathrow Airport heightened its security on Friday. No new terrorists threats; they just heard Naomi Campbell was out on bail.

Astronomers using robotic cameras said they had found the youngest planet yet. Al Gore has already pledged to save it before it hits puberty.

DNA from ancient human feces found in a cave in Oregon provides biological confirmation that people were in North America 14,000 years ago. On a side note, so was corn.

A group of third graders in Georgia planned to attack their teacher with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and then stab her with a broken steak knife. Apparently, the field trip to Abu Ghraib left an impression.

A new survey has found male fans of classic rock are more likely to vote Republican. It also doesn’t hurt that John McCain ends every speech with "Freebird".

Presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would consider putting Al Gore in a high Cabinet-level position. That position: Secretary of Pissing Off the Clintons.

Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most No.1 singles on the Billboard singles chart. Call me when she can eat her own weight in fried chicken and amphetamines.

The New Kids on the Block, the once wildly popular boy band from the 80s, are reuniting. Be sure to catch them this summer on their “Old Guys Who Didn’t Invest Wisely” tour.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld narrowly escaped injury after the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed, sending his car into a roll over. Seinfeld released the following statement after the crash: “Newman”.

Addressing a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO today, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa. And really, who can forget the time she arrived in Philadelphia under a barrage of Clubber Lang uppercuts.

After being for Hillary, and then for Obama, 50 Cent now says he is not sure which presidential candidate he is for. Either way, it probably won’t be the old white guy who can’t throw his hands in the air.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using his image on billboards and the Internet without his consent. It’s basically Woody’s way of saying, please bring back the ads with hot young girls posing provocatively.

The British airline “Flybe” has hired temps to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to meet a target for passenger numbers. This might explain why their flights have been arriving 20 minutes late and losing everyone’s messages.

A woman has been arrested for stalking actor John Cusack outside his Malibu home. Guess it’s only charming when he shows up outside someone’s window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel.

On Sunday, CIA Director Michael Hayden said Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look western". Yet another reason to fear sitting next to the fat guy on your flight.

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, became the first world leader to decide not to attend the Olympics in Beijing. This is unfortunate, considering she was favored to bring home the gold in women’s weightlifting.

The Vatican's newly-released 2008 yearbook of statistics said Muslims have surpassed Roman Catholics in the world. Some are disputing the numbers, as the counters admitted that they might have accidentally counted some guy named Mohammad 8 billion times.

Senator Barack Obama has refused to go along with the growing calls for Hillary to drop out of the Presidential race. He would, however, not be opposed to Bill Clinton shutting the fuck up.

During a six-day bus tour, Barack Obama dropped by a bowling alley in Pennsylvania. Obamamania is really catching on in this state; any pins he didn’t knock down wound up fainting.

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright has canceled plans to speak at three services at a Houston church on Sunday, the church's pastor said. Church officials cite security concerns as the reason for the cancellation, while Barack Obama cites the power of prayer.

A new study shows that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. Pundits say the findings could potentially split the super-hot delegate vote.

A poll conducted by AOL Television found TV veteran Larry King to be the least sexy talk show host. King released a statement thanking Rosie O’Donnell for retiring.

Actress Elizabeth Banks is in final negotiations to play Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming film about President George Bush. An excited Banks says she’s up for the challenge, as she once played a pine tree in a second grade play.

This week, President Bush granted pardons to 15 individuals. Here’s the sad part: they were all characters from Scooby Doo.

Ryan Seacrest told an interviewer that it is his ambition to be the Dick Clark for our generation, the Merv Griffin for our generation, and the Larry King for our generation. Upon hearing this, our generation replied, "we were with you up until Larry King".

A registered sex offender once busted for trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl is running for mayor of a small Texas town. He claims to have learned from his past mistakes, as evidenced by his campaign slogan, “old enough to vote, old enough to arrange sex with.”

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling has revealed she thought of killing herself when she was a broke, single mother. Sources say Rowling still has the seven-volume suicide note to prove it.

The White House told a federal court that its older computer hard drives have been destroyed. This means the missing e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may never be recovered, and Bush has no way of ever proving he once broke 500,000 on Snood.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter yesterday. For those who don’t follow religion, Easter marks the resurrection of Christ, the guy people worshiped before Obama came along.

Rough day for Hillary Clinton. First, she was beaten by Obama in the Mississippi's Democratic primary; then it came out that Bill Clinton was Client #1 through #8.

Republicans threatened to impeach Gov. Eliot Spitzer if he does not quit over the sex scandal. This will likely mark the end of Eliot Spitzer’s political career, and the beginning of his wife Silda’s.

If Eliot Spitzer resigns, Lt. governor David Paterson would fill in and New York will have its first blind governor, or, another New Yorker “who didn’t see anything”.

President Bush is dispatching Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to keep the peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. Bush is calling it “Operation Lark”.

A new federal study shows at least one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Still, the official who conducted the study said he has no regrets.

Sen. Barack Obama won the Wyoming Democratic caucuses over the weekend. After his win, a beaming Hilary Clinton boasted, “That’s my Vice President!”

President Bush made his first appearance on the stage of the Gridiron Club of Washington journalists where he sang a song about looking forward to his return to Texas. The song went to #1 on the “you and us both” charts.

A 31-year-old software engineer recalled the correct order of an entire deck of playing cards in 2 minutes and 27 seconds on Saturday to take the title of having the best memory in the United States. Coming in dead last was that friend of yours who still owes you forty bucks.

About 5,000 files containing confidential data on MTV employees were illegally accessed by someone outside the company. This marks the worst case of theft at the network since someone lifted Kurt Loder’s “Just for Men”.

A new investigation revealed a vast array of pharmaceutical drugs have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. While further testing is underway, all Americans are still advised to drink 8 glasses of water a day, or ten if you’re really depressed.

Last night, John McCain clinched the GOP nomination over Mike Huckabee. After getting swept by McCain in four states and being forced to bow out of the race, Mike Huckabee is finally starting to believe in dinosaurs.

After campaign saving victories in Texas, Ohio, and Vermont, Hillary Rodham Clinton hinted at the possibility of sharing the Democratic presidential ticket with Barack Obama— with her at the top. Wow. She’s like the girl that gets kissed once and starts looking for a wedding dress.

Responding to Clinton’s comeback in the primaries last night, Obama’s people were quick to point out that the delegate math is still in favor of their man. But enough about the press.

Harvard University has banned men from one of its gyms for a few hours a week because Muslim women cannot exercise comfortably in their presence. So much for the, “No Shame, No Gain” gym posters.

An Israeli researcher is claiming Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. This would explain why he scrapped the 11th Commandment, “Thou’ shall not eat the brown acid.”

Hundreds of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers flocked to the Plaza Hotel Saturday to take part in the landmark's reopening. The highlight of the reopening ceremony was the annual shooing away of tourists and ordinary New Yorkers.

A new BBC documentary reveals that the Hell’s Angels had plotted to assassinate Mick Jagger after he stopped using them as bouncers. They would have also gone after Keith Richards, but they really thought that one would take care of itself.

The Russian presidential elections were held this weekend. In the end, the Putin supported Dmitry Medvedev scored a decisive victory over challenger, “getting whacked in your kneecaps.”

The estate of Ric Weiland, one of the first five people to work at the software giant Microsoft, has left $65 million to gay rights organizations. Unfortunately, they blew it all last night on their Oscar party.

Millions of viewers from around the world tuned into the 80th Academy Awards show last night. The best picture award went to the Coen’s brother’s dark crime drama, “No Country For Old Men”, while best makeup went to the “Clinton Campaign”.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced that he is launching another independent campaign for the White House. At last, an independent minded candidate with the courage to hand the election back to the Republicans.

Some California McDonald's are being redesigned using the principles of feng shui. And, for a limited time only at these locations, you can get your Quarter Pounder with extra Ch’i.

Saudi Arabia’s Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice sent their religious police to arrest 57 men who were flirting with women in front of a shopping mall. Wise move… taking down flirts is no job for mall security.

A new report says that the 100-day Hollywood writers strike took a $2.5 billion toll on the Los Angeles County economy, but more importantly, it got the American Gladiators off the streets.

Iraqi authorities plan to round up homeless and mentally ill residents to prevent them from becoming used as suicide bombers. Truth be told, that’s also how they went about forming their government.

Sources say the 4-year-old son of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin showed no fear after recently being bitten by a baby boa constrictor. Little perspective here: he cried like a bitch when mommy wouldn’t cover the bite with a Dora the Explorer band-aid.

A lunar eclipse will take place tonight in which the moon will be dim, but won't disappear. Kind of like the Huckabee campaign.

Hillary Clinton has now lost 10 primaries in row. Her popularity has plummeted so drastically, MSNBC accidentally posted a picture of Osama up while talking about Hillary, and apologized to Osama.

Reacting to accusations of verbal plagiarism, Sen. Obama said he doesn't think it was a big deal that he borrowed lines from the Governor of Massachusetts. The presidential hopeful went on to say, if elected, he would stop borrowing lines from other politicians, starting on day one.

The founders of Ben & Jerry's have endorsed Barack Obama. The ice cream moguls say they’re also for change, though mostly in pants sizes.

Ben and Jerry are sending out two "ObamaMobiles" to drive around Vermont giving away scoops of "Cherries for Change" ice cream to Obama supporters, and scoops of “Ice Queen” for Hillary supporters.

Ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro said that he is retiring after 49 years. Luckily, Cuba is chock-full of healthy, young relief dictators.

The new issue of New York magazine features Lindsay Lohan posing nude in a recreation of one of Marilyn Monroe's most famous photo shoots. When first approached about the shoot, Lohan responded, "Sure! What kind of car was she getting out of?”

Pakistanis took to the polls today. In what is a crucial election, the people of Pakistan will decide who will be their next dead politician.

Former first lady Nancy Reagan wound up in a Los Angeles hospital early Monday. Doctors say she fell down, though Reagan insists she merely trickled down.

143 million pounds of beef are being recalled. Relax America, this doesn’t mean they’re taking your fries back, too.

The nation’s homeless are taking advantage of the foreclosure crisis and moving into vacant homes. And why not; they’re already not paid for.

Israeli military has reported that a drug used to treat impotence could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. No word yet whether the drug can cure premature carpet-bombing.

At the Grammy’s, Aretha Franklin got upset when Tina Turner was referred to as “the queen”. Meanwhile, the Queen Mary recently got upset when someone referred to it as “The Aretha”.

Today, Roger Clemens testified under oath before Congress. Clemens lasted four and 2/3 hours, gave up seven lies and almost struck five congressmen.

Some members of congress may be in trouble for getting Roger Clemens’ autograph. Of course, Clemens didn’t help his case by signing several autographs with a syringe.

The FBI has warned that Valentine's Day e-greetings from a stranger could actually be a "Trojan horse" that’s destructive to your computer, as opposed to the Valentine's Day e-greeting you send in lieu of a real card that's only destructive to your relationship.

For the first time in 100 years, a beagle has won the Westminster dog show. The victory marked the biggest triumph for beagles since the Flying Ace took down the Red Baron.

Over the weekend, Barack Obama swept three states' primaries on Saturday and won the Maine caucus on Sunday. He followed these victories by beating Bill Clinton at the Grammies for best spoken word album and then kicking Chelsea’s ass in Scrabulous.

Madame Tussauds Washington wax museum revealed its Barack Obama figure Monday. Shortly after, the wax Obama was endorsed by the wax Abraham Lincoln and the wax Liberace.

In a 60 Minutes interview, Hillary said she stays healthy by eating hot peppers. She also confessed to replicating human emotions by cutting raw onions.

Singer Amy Winehouse won five Grammy’s last night. The stunned newcomer could barely contain her excitement over her good fortune, until it was explained to her that a “Grammy” is not a unit of measurement.

A 56-year-old, six time convicted sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The level 3 sex offender says despite his newfound wealth, he has no plans for an early retirement.
Sorry ladies.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is expected to drop out of the Presidential race, though his campaign manager wants him to wait another few months until it’s too late.

Rudy says he looks forward to arriving back in New York, where ignoring the rest of the country is not just a strategy, but a way of life.

After another third place finish, Democrat John Edwards is dropping out of the presidential race. Pundits are now anxiously are waiting to see whether Edwards endorses Finesse or Pantene.

Sen. John McCain won the Florida primary yesterday. Ignoring differences in policies and experience, exit polls show Floridians went with the candidate they’d most like to play a game of shuffleboard with.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in LA now has a vending machine that dispenses medical marijuana. Getting your pot and your Cheetos in one place; why are we making life so easy for stoners?

Meg Whitman will soon step down as chief executive of eBay Inc. One employee had this to say, “Great Boss. :) Would definitely work for again!!!.”

A study released Wednesday found President Bush and his top officials lied a total of 935 times in the run-up to the Iraq war. And that was just to Barney the dog.

Former president Bill Clinton accused Barack Obama of a political "hit job." Obama has since backed down after waking up with John Kerry’s severed head in his bed.

Mitt Romney is now focusing on his business resume to secure votes. If that doesn’t work out, he can always fall back on his down home, everyman persona.

Polls show Rudy Giuliani has dropped to third place in the Florida Primary.
Sadly, this is after spending more time and money in Florida than he did in his second marriage.

Venezuela's opposition is demanding leftist President Hugo Chavez take a drug test after he said he chews coca leaves to keep up his energy. The accusation could put a crimp in Chavez’s plan to build a giant straw connecting Venezuela to Columbia.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" because the show insisted he cut one of his songs down. If that song was “Octopus’s Garden”, then high-five Reg!

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson announced today that he is withdrawing from the Republican presidential race, effective 2 months ago.

The world’s largest swimming people has opened at a resort on Chile's southern coast. This pool is so large, the lifeguards wear telescopes. This pool is so enormous, the Pacific is considered its kiddie pool. This pool is so gigantic, God peed in it and no one noticed.

Census figures show that fewer people are moving to Florida. Census officials suspect the trend may be due to people catching on to what happens to people that move to Florida.

A former Republican congressman was indicted for raising over $130,000 for a charity that supported Al Qaeda. I hope the Osama tote bag was worth it.

Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar has announced he wants to become the “ambassador of peace.” And Osama thought it was embarrassing when the kid wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees.

A high school track star has been disqualified from a meet because officials said the custom-made outfit she wears to conform to her Muslim faith violated competition rules. Oh, so it’s fine for an American student to run track in vest of dynamite...

Tom Cruise made a visit to Jerry’s Seinfeld’s NYC garage to check out his car collection. Tom was happy to report there were no Suppressive Porches.

British pop star George Michael is working on a memoir to be released in 2009. The memoir will be titled “Anything to infiltrate your bathroom.”

It was announced that Oprah Winfrey will soon be getting her own television network. The network will debut in early 2009, coincidentally, right around the time Oprah is scheduled to get her own U.S. President.

The Plague, or Black Death as it was known in mid-evil times, is re-emerging worldwide. Scientists say they’re surprised to see the deadly disease back, but even more surprised by the return of witches.

At today's annual Macworld, Steve Jobs unveiled a new personal laptop. The new super slim computer is less than an inch thick and is turned on the moment it's opened. Designed by Apple, inspired by Paris Hilton.

Today marks the return of American Idol. I promise to vote for anyone who doesn’t sing about “change”.

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said he will not run from his statement 15 years ago that AIDS patients should have been isolated, though he is backing off his decade old assertion that anyone with herpes should be shipped to Staten Island.

A number of prominent entertainers have been cited in connection with a steroid investigation, including Tyler Perry. The disclosure satisfies many who refused to believe that Perry’s work could suck that hard naturally.

The investigation also suggested possible steroid abuse by rapper 50 Cent, which would explain why his last album “Curtis” received four out of five asterisks.

A Japanese climber lost in the mountains for more than a week in frigid conditions survived by eating snow. Of course, he just icicled most of it out.

After getting married, a British couple discovered that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families. The saddest part is, neither ever got to meet their natural in-laws.

The Smurfs marked their 50th birthday in Belgium today. Papa Smurf is so old now, he’s not sure if he’s a Smurf or a member of the Blue Man Group.

A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time. Once again, the terrorists gain the upper hand through their crafty use of “autopay”.

A Polish man visiting a brothel was shocked to discover his wife among the establishment's employees. He then paid her fifty Euros to never tell herself he was there.

**

Sen. John Kerry has endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for the White House. Man, Hillary is on a roll.

Some saw Kerry’s endorsement of Obama as a slap in the face to his 2004 running mate John Edwards. Others saw it as Kerry’s best shot at having a black friend.

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has ended his long-shot bid for the Democratic presidential nomination, and began his long-shot bid as the next spokesman for Slimfast.

Starbucks has fired its chief executive, Jim Donald. This begs the question: where does someone that gets fired from Starbucks kill time during the day?

A 10-year-old Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. To his credit, at least he’s using his school supplies.

During his trip to the Mid East today, President Bush called Iran a threat to world peace. He then cautiously asked, “I’m not in Iran right now, am I?”

A leading scientist claims Russia will be the first nation to put a man on Mars, or at least the first nation to put a man on Mars involuntarily.

A comedian and filmmaker is living inside a NJ Ikea while his New York City apartment is being fumigated. The bugs proved smarter; they’ll be staying at a Crate & Barrel.

Roger Clemens says he'll do all he can to prove he didn't use steroids. In other news, Clemens’ former trainer was killed today by an errant 98 mph fastball.

President Bush signed legislation today aimed at preventing the severely mentally ill from buying guns. The only stipulation was he doesn’t have to be the one to break the news to Ted Nugent.

A Boy Scout foiled an assassination attempt on the president of the Maldives today. Of course, over there the Boy Scout Motto is “Always Be Prepar- HE’S GOT A KNIFE!”.

Brittney Spears’ abandoned car was impounded today. Dr. Phil has already made two visits to the car.

New Hampshire experienced unseasonably pleasant weather today. It was so was warm, Mitt Romney shed a layer of skin. It was so nice outside, kids were swimming in Hillary’s tears. It was so balmy, John McCain cooled off by waterboarding himself.

General Motors Corp. has declared that cars that drive themselves could be a reality within a decade. Saudi Arabia responded to the announcement by asking GM, “even the female ones?”

Television’s Dr. Phil met with Britney Spears on Saturday and said she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention, which he plans to talk more about on his talk show this week. At last, Britney is going to get the publicity she needs.

The Presidential debates in New Hampshire over the weekend got rather heated, with McCain going after Romney, Edwards going after Clinton, and security going after Kucinich.

Thus far, President Bush has not given any clue as to which candidate he favors. He’s probably waiting to see who Supreme Court gets behind.

The CEO of Krispy Kreme has resigned for personal reasons. The company stated the exiting chief wants to spend more time glazing his family.

Yesterday evening, after a three-hour showdown involving her two young sons, paramedics took an intoxicated Britney Spears out of her home in a gurney and loaded her into an ambulance that was escorted by a row of police cars. And she still had a better night than Hillary Clinton.

After a disappointing third place finish in Iowa last night, Hillary has vowed to defy the odds and become African American.

Looking for the upside, Clinton’s third place showing positions her to be the new “Comeback in four to eight years kid”.

In New Hampshire this morning, Hillary declared herself the candidate for America's youth. Because nothing appeals to young America more than smart pantsuits.

ABC News is eliminating Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter and Democrats Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel from its prime- time presidential debates. Lucky for them, all three struggling candidates do still qualify to tangle with Screech and Maria Osmond on ABC’s, “Debating with the Stars”.

Britney Spears' custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline experienced a major setback with the announcement that her lawyers are quitting the case. Well, at least soon she’ll have a niece to drop around.

Sources say Nickelodeon is canceling the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears’ show, “Zoey 101”. The news promises to upset her young audience, many of whom consider Jamie Lynn a ‘ho model.

Author David Levy says that in the future, humans will be romantically involved with robots, to which Mitt Romney’s wife responded, “future”?

White house press secretary said President Bush will not be waiting up for the results of the primaries. Then again, neither will Fred Thompson.

New Jersey is getting close to becoming the first Northern state to apologize for slavery. Guess this means we’ve got a few years to go on that apology for Bon Jovi.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney stated that if elected president he and his wife will not embarrass the nation by their conduct in the White House, as happened in "the Clinton years." It’s true. One of the principal tenets of Mormonism is “No Fat Chicks”.

A man with a knife was arrested inside a campaign headquarters of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton in northeast Iowa. Dear God, is Mitt still trying to prove he’s a hunter?

The Clinton campaign is lining up baby-sitters to look after the little ones of caucus-moms so they’re freed up to vote. As a courtesy, they’ve also offered to watch over Dennis Kucinich.

NBC’s tonight show with Jay Leno returns tonight with special guest Republican, Mike Huckabee. The show’s writers will not be returning, though Huckabee’s material on evolution should deliver the big laughs.

France's smoking ban went into effect Tuesday with the start of the New Year. It’s expected to last until the French realize that wasn’t what stank.

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee told reporters Monday that he was pulling a negative ad designed to target Mitt Romney. He then he showed the ad to a room packed with reporters. So, if Mike Huckabee ever tells you he was going to punch you in the face, duck.

Looks like Mitt Romney has made a new year’s resolution. This morning he refused to even flip his calendar over to the new year.

In an online movie poll, moviegoers tagged Lindsay Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the year's worst performance by an actress. There was some redemption, as voters in the same poll honored Lohan’s work in "I Know Who Killed Me." with the best performance by a drunk actress.

Hotel party princess Paris Hilton was spotted cozying up to Kevin Federline in Los Angeles this weekend. The year is starting out great for Paris; for the first time she’s being considered a ‘step up’.

The house where Michael Vick held illegal dog fights is up for sale for $1.1 million. Sure, the puppy electric chair needs some renovating, but it’s still a good deal.

An essay that won a six-year-old girl tickets to a Hannah Montana concert has been exposed as a fake. The essay began with the line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq", and was followed with, “If they’re floor seats, so did my Mommy.”

Fred Thompson said he's not consumed with winning the White House. This attitude is reflected in Thompson’s catchy new campaign slogan, “Whatever.”

A man has saved every piece of trash he has generated over the past year to see how much garbage one person could create. That man's name: Dane Cook.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone has joined a mission to retrieve three hostages held for years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. So far, Stone’s made their captivity two hours longer.

A 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to be the world's oldest, has died. In lieu of flowers, please fling poop.

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday. The bill is designed to protect the rights of people whose phone numbers have been illegally used in a movie or song.

Seven people were injured on Thursday when Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests came to blows in a dispute over how to clean the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Please guys, there’s more than one way to make that place immaculate.

Radiohead will perform its new album, "In Rainbows," in its entirety during a pre-taped, hour-long set that will premiere New Year's Eve on Current TV. The televised concert kicks off the band’s upcoming, “Thanks for spending 45 cents on our album” tour.

Today, Rudy Giuliani has launched a new ad campaign that invokes the 2001 terrorist attacks. To be fair, Rudy also invoked the attacks ordering an omelet this morning.

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he's leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. Hopefully, Paris will share some of it with Nikki and her Mom.

In an interview with Daily Record of Scotland, movie star Will Smith was quoted saying that Adolph Hitler was doing what he "thought was good." Hitler responded by saying the same thing about Smith regarding “Hitch”.

Pope Benedict on Tuesday said he hoped Christmas would bring consolation to those living in poverty, injustice and war, and if it can’t, there’s always the day-after Christmas markdowns!

A Global Positioning System was installed on a baby Jesus statue displayed in a Florida nativity scene after the previous year’s statue went missing. And, if you listen real close, you can hear this baby Jesus instruct, “Turn the other cheek left.”

Investigators are trying to determine how a Siberian tiger named Tatiana escaped its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas — killing one visitor and mauling two others. While the investigation is still open, Zoo officals all agree that giving Tatiana a tiger trampoline for Christmas was a bad call.

Despite the absence of their writers, several late night host are scheduled to resume shows starting January 2. Bad news for writers, good news for anyone who wants to hear the extended version of how Hillary Swank’s holidays went.

Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call from his wife, which he stopped his speech to answer. Rudy Giuliani: tough stance on gun control, kind of soft on wife control.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice upset many when she compared slain terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to Civil War General Robert E. Lee. She then upset even more people when she compared fugitive terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden to the Road Runner.

According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket come back to Earth stronger and deadlier. Kind of like Astronauts.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday on misdemeanor drunken driving charges. Of course, he could have just been really tired.

Police in Staten Island are searching for a "Ninja Burglar," who robs homes wearing a black ski mask and by entering through skylights and open windows. Police are on the lookout for someone who didn’t feel they were living up to their full potential as a “ninja accountant.”

Contributors to Hillary Clinton's campaign can now win a chance to watch the presidential debates with her husband, Bill Clinton, or at least they’ll have it on in the background.

Cameron Diaz was a special guest editor for October's National Geographic Kids, which was the magazine's first "Green Issue." The special issue hopes to teach kids that it’s once again fun to masturbate to National Geographic.

According to the new edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, about 16,000 words have lost their hyphens. Another 12,000 words are choosing to keep their hyphens intact until they’re ready to compound.

Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. Marceau is said to have died of imaginary causes.

Today I give you, ‘Jokes That Haven't Mattered For Well Over A Week!’

It was reported that Led Zeppelin will reunite in November for a one-time comeback concert in memory of Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records. Sources say the band will not be playing their signature song “Stairway to Heaven”, because, just too many stairs.

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, testified before Congress Monday and said that the troop "surge" in Iraq is improving the security situation in the country. Then someone dropped a pen and Petraeus dove under a desk.

The Walt Disney company said this week that it will not drop actress Vanessa Hudgens from the next "High School Musical" movie after she apologized to fans, saying that the 18 year-old has learned a valuable lesson. They have, however, let Donald Duck go after it was revealed he hasn’t worn pants in 75 years.

Democrats this past weekend held their first-ever Spanish language debate. The debate grew extremely heated when Hillary Clinton claimed that “Julio was going to the store”, prompting a defiant Barack Obama to point out that “ Marta likes to play records at the party”.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Sources say Hudson will be playing the role of the black person in Manhattan.

Ochi Yosuke, a Japanese man won the Air Guitar World Championship for the second consecutive year. Two years in a row? Sounds like this Yosuke fellow just may have future in no business.

The Russian military has successfully tested what it described as the world's most powerful non-nuclear air-delivered bomb. And just in time for World War I.

Google has stated on its blog that the company will pay up to $30 million in prize money to anyone able to land a privately funded spacecraft on the moon, because "it's cool". Did you mean “arrogant”?

A gifted parrot that could count to six, identify colors and even express frustration died this week after 30 years of helping researchers better understand the avian brain. The parrot’s last words: “Polly wants an open casket.”

A judge in California has ruled that a carpenter caught working in the nude was not guilty of indecent exposure because he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification. Still, big loss for the apprentice who has to hold his ladder steady.

Kid Rock was cited for misdemeanor battery at Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards following a physical altercation between him and Tommy Lee. I’d say they were fighting over Pamela Anderson’s honor, but that battle was lost a long time ago.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the use of lead paint on toys exported to the United States. This is the likely nail in the coffin for Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants.”

A woman in Oregon was arrested and charged with arson and burglary after police say she set fire to the home of a neighbor she thought had stolen her keys, even though she later found her keys handing from her pants pocket. I know how she feels; I do that all the time- again, my apologies to the Brisbane family.

Leaders of the nonprofit “One Laptop Per Child” acknowledged that the devices would cost $188 if mass production were to start now, not the $100 originally promised. Sadly, the new price means many children in poorer nations will have to settle for playing “minesweeper” the old fashioned way.

After 50 Cent famously announced that he would retire from rap if Kanye West’s new album outsold his in first-week sales, early reports show West is indeed outselling 50. Good news for West, bad news for the first guy who asks 50 to “upsize” his number three.

Former head of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by claiming that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil. A spokesman for the White House responded by saying, “Sure, at first it was all about the oil, but then we got to know the country and fell in love with it for its hopelessness.

A 23 year-old woman who boarded a Southwest Airlines plane in a shirt skirt for a flight to Arizona says she was led off the plane for wearing an outfit that was considered too skimpy. First, they don’t let us bring out bottled water onboard, now our hookers.

Louisiana's state agriculture commissioner said that Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area. The arrival of “Killer Bees” offers some much needed relief to New Orleans residents tired of worrying about drowning and getting shot.

Archaeologists on Monday exhumed the body of a Viking queen, hoping to solve the riddle about whether a woman buried with her 1200 years ago was a servant killed to be a companion into the afterlife, or someone who’s hair just got caught in the queen’s horns.

While Starbucks officials say they don't market their products to children and teenagers, they acknowledge that the under-18 set has become part of their customer base and are considering adding new drinks and drink sizes for kids. The new sizes include: “tiny”, “small”, and “have fun scraping your 7 year old off the ceiling.”

During the MTV Video Music Awards actor Shia LaBeouf revealed that the fourth Indiana Jones movie will be called "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." He then riveted the crowd even more by finally announcing his new pet turtle’s name will be “Sam”.

A city councilwoman is proposing a moratorium on fast-food restaurants in south Los Angeles, which has more such eateries than any other part of the country. Sounds like someone’s a little bitter “The King” never called.

The Mars Rover Opportunity will begin a risky drive Tuesday into a massive crater on Mars. Better leave early Mars Rover; by 7:00 am the crater traffic is practically backed up to Jupiter.

In the latest sign of corruption problems for Republicans, a corporate executive testified Friday that his employees worked for months to remodel the Alaska home of Sen. Ted Stevens. Man, that must be one sweet igloo.

A UPS manager and two employees were busted in the Bronx yesterday for allegedly using the brown trucks to deliver marijuana instead of packages. Their biggest mistep: wrapping all their deliveries in EZ Wider.

The Arctic's Northwest Passage has opened up fully because of melting sea ice. The new passage means there’s now an easier route for countries to reach the oil and gas rich Artic, and puts to rest any doubt that our grandchildren will be living on moon colonies.

During a recent trip to Israel, Ashton Kutcher told a group of Israeli businessmen and entertainers that Kabbalah had made him a better actor. Sounds like someone has discovered the true meaning of fake Judaism.

Madonna toasted the Jewish New Year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism." Don’t laugh; she could be an asset under the negotiating table.

It was announced Wednesday that for the second time, Daily Show host Jon Stewart will host this year's Academy Awards. Republicans have tapped Dennis Miller to offer the rebuttal.

Venezuelan officials claimed a world record Saturday for the world's largest pot of soup, 3,963 gallons of "sancocho" stew capable of feeding 60,000 to 70,000 hungry people...if only that fly hadn’t landed in it.

In a new audiotape out on this anniversary of 9/11, Osama bin Laden urged sympathizers to join the "caravan" of martyrs. In a related story, 50 cent has vowed to retire if Osama’s new release is more successful than his own.

The audiotape comes days after Osama’s first video tape appearance in nearly three years. The video begins with Osama telling Americans to embrace Islam to avert war and ends with four awkward minutes of Sara Silverman tearing him a new one.

Brittney Spears continues to be universally panned for her sluggish performance at the MTV Music Awards. Sources say Britney is so distraught over the criticism, she’s considering going back to being a stay-out-late mom.

New York City’s A-train turns 75 today. The MTA celebrated the train’s birthday by making everyone late for work.

New reports hint at more raunchy pictures to come showing the High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens kissing another female. Hudgens publicist insists it’s all part a nationwide push to get straight males students to enroll in drama.

Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the View yesterday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dog fighting case. Tune in tomorrow, when Whoopie lays out her case to the girls on how Hilter’s heart was in the right place.

In Russia, the mayor of a Siberian town has ordered his bureaucrats to stop using the phrases "I don't know". The mayor hopes the new policy will encourage his administration to become more efficient liars.

The world's leading toymaker, Mattel Inc, announced a third recall of Chinese-made toys with "impermissible" levels of lead. Not surprisingly, the recall was mostly of units of Barbie’s least popular paramour, “Joey Lead Pants”.

A man residing in Riviera beach, who fathered eleven children himself, reportedly has 100 grandchildren. In this family, there’s probably something wrong with you if you haven’t slept a first cousin.

Sen. Larry Craig is said to be reconsidering giving up his Senate seat after his arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. Craig clearly refuses to go down easy, unless your anonymous foot bumps his in a seedy men’s room and you’re not a cop.

A woman celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette from a candle on her birthday cake. She then put out the birthday candles with 8 pounds of flem.

Things keep getting worse for the President Bush. First, his strategist Karl Rove handed in his resignation. Then yesterday, attorney general Alberto Gonzales announced he’s stepping down. Now today, Laura Bush said she’s leaving the White House to spend more time with her family.

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho has confirmed to pleading guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month which accuses him of making sexual overtures to an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport men’s room. Many note there’s been speculation over Craig’s orientation for years, but now it’s official: he is definitely Republican.

A report released on Tuesday said the United States has 90 guns for every 100 citizens, making it the most heavily armed society in the world and the worst place to cut across your neighbor’s lawn.

The class of 2007 averaged the lowest math and reading SAT scores since 1999. Of course, it’s actually not all that bad if you don’t average in Miss Teen South Carolina’s scores.

The son of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is preparing for deployment to Iraq next year. Around the same time next year, the sons of Mitt Romney are preparing to be deployed to Kinkos.

The White House has announced that President Bush’s daughter Jenna is officially engaged to a former assistant to political strategist Karl Rove. The young man swept Jenna off her feet by making her doubt her other suitors’ patriotism.

Forbes.com has declared Jay-Z the world’s richest rapper. But really, in the world of rap, who’s counting?

Paris Hilton unveiled her clothing line at a trendy boutique yesterday. Paris says of the line, “It's just Paris style: fun, bright and easily removable after two drinks."

Two co-defendants of Michael Vicks say the NFL star helped execute dogs that didn't put up a good fight. And that’s all Vicks’ attorneys needed to hear to know they may not want to phone this one in.

The Mint’s new Thomas Jefferson coin will begin circulating on Thursday. The Mint hopes the coin series helps educate the public on the nation’s early presidents. President Bush hopes the new coin series makes it easier to get Twizzlers out of the White House vending machine.

Karl Rove is busy tying up loose ends at the White House before his upcoming departure. Today, Rove handed over his set of keys to the President and his blue prints for the completion of the Death Star to the Vice President.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani vowed to stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Rudy plans to accomplish this by stationing more angry ex-wives and girlfriends at border check points.

Former Speaker of the House, Rep. Dennis Hastert intends to retire at the end of his current term. A spokesman for Hastert says he wants to spend more time with the three-layer chocolate retirement cake his staff surprises him with, hint, hint.

Courtney Love told Harper’s Bazaar that all her recent weight loss is due to discipline. True. It takes a lot of discipline to call your coke dealer every morning at 3 am, night, after night, after night.

Powerful thunderstorms caused flooding and chaos in New York City this morning, bringing the metropolis to its knees. In other news, al Qaeda has abandoned its pursuit of weapons of mass destruction and has decided to just go with rain dance lessons.

The flooding in NYC was so bad, Michael Bloomberg said “screw the subways” and rode his yacht to City Hall.

**

Last night, Barry Bonds slugged his 756 homerun to become the all time home run champ. For a moment, everyone at AT&T Park forgot about the controversy surrounding the feat, until an elated Bonds reached home plate and pressed his entire family and the on-deck batter over his head in celebration.

President George W. Bush did not call Bonds after the historic home run. He did, however, listen in on all the calls Bonds did receive.

**

A man was snagged smuggling a monkey under his hat onto an airplane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport yesterday. Flight attendants were tipped off about the tiny primate by passengers complaining that the man in the top hat was playing his organ too loud.

A 22-year-old man described as "not fully clothed" jumped the north fence into the White House grounds on Sunday. Isn’t that how the Bush’s twins’ dates usually exit the White House?

Starting today, the New York Times will reduce the width of its pages. Also starting today, the paper’s new slogan will be “All the News that’s fit to”.

A French rap star was booed off stage for supporting newly elected right-wing French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Apparently, rhyming something with “Sarkozy” means nothing to these people.

The Canada government is holding its first census of its shark population. So far, the census has found one shark and one third of the census taker who counted that shark.

The facebook profile of Rudolph Giuliani's daughter shows the 17-year-old is supporting Barack Obama for president. Looks like Rudy won’t be changing his views on abortion anytime soon.

Hollywood is planning on reducing its pigeon population by providing the ubiquitous birds with birth control. State officials hope the plan proves effective enough to dramatically lower the pigeon population while phasing out the wide-spread use of morning-after-crumbs.

Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his summer home in Maine on Monday. A spokesperson for the Supreme Court said Roberts would be fine, though the kid standing outside his hospital room holding a “Seizures for Chief Justices” sign is in deep shit.

President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown made it a point to highlight their areas of agreement Monday at Camp David. The leaders spoke of a united stand on Iraq, halting violence in Darfur, and keeping Michael Vick away from Tony Blair.

Cities nationwide have adopted a new tactic to combat street gangs; they're suing them. Street gangs plan to get around the new approach by resorting to the older, more time-tested tactic of knifing the guy who serves them the papers.

Rapper Twista has been dropped from McDonald's upcoming concert series. A spokesperson for McDonald's said, unlike most things dropped by McDonalds, the rapper will not be picked up, dusted off and served in a cardboard container.

In a stunning upset, the Iraqi football team beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the Asian Cup final. The Iraqi team’s victory was slightly marred when Shi'ite and Sunni players squabbled over who got to pour the barrel of oil over their coach’s head.

The Iraqi Sports Minister claimed the win was a victory for all Iraqis, except those shot during the celebratory post-game gunfire.

Immediately after Saudi’s loss, President Bush sent 3 battalions of full- backs to the Saudi Kingdom to protect America’s interests.

**

Hillary Clinton's handlers are outraged over a newspaper story musing over her showing a little cleavage. Hillary’s camp is urging supporters to fight back by stuffing cash into her coffers, while Bill Clinton is fighting back by asking “what cleavage?”

Paul Stanley of the rock band Kiss had to pull out of a show on Friday after his heart started beating at more than twice the normal level. Doctors treating the 55-year old Stanley advised him to rock and roll no later than 8:00 pm, and take brisk walks everyday.

The man who owns Jerry Garcia's house is selling the legend’s kitchen sink, or as Jerry called it, his ‘bong water refilling station’.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury for sponsoring dog fighting on his property. In his defense, he was only doing this to finance his real passion: kitten-torture parties.

The Chinese government has launched a campaign to limit the number of hours teenagers spend online playing games. The campaign hopes to accomplish this by reminding teens there’s also pornography online.

The Senate continued its marathon debate on the Iraq war into the morning hours today. The all night debate did not yield the results Democrats had hoped for, but they did have some fun sitting around the podium telling scary Dick Cheney stories.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey plans to hold a fundraiser for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama. As an act of charity, the two have promised to donate any leftover hors d'oeuvres from the event to McCain campaign.

Bobby Brown has said he fears that he may be killed by al-Qaeda on his upcoming tour of Australia. So, how many fans does Bobby Brown have in Australia and when did Whitney Houston join al-Qaeda?

Democrats are planning an all-night session of the Senate to debate President Bush's military strategy in Iraq. Most Republicans are calling it political theater; Senator Vitter is calling it a good alibi.

In a recent interview, John Edwards’ wife said Hillary Clinton was behaving like a man. Hillary defended herself, saying she’s never spent more than $18 on a haircut.

A spokesman for the Vatican stated that sexual abuse of children is not just a Catholic Church problem. According to many clergy, it’s also a proud tradition.

A Brisbane Rugby player was found to have another player’s tooth imbedded in his head for several months. In hockey, they call this “a keeper”.

A prison inmate in Pennsylvania gave birth in her cell. Prison officials are being criticized for not sending the woman to the hospital, though they did honor the inmate’s request to cut the umbilical cord with her own shank.

Al Gore's youngest daughter was married Saturday night. Gore beamed as the young couple promised to love, honor and cherish each other until extreme temperatures make their planet uninhabitable.

Reports say “Killer” wasps have infested areas around the State Department's headquarters. After numerous attempts to exterminate the deadly insects failed, State Department officials will now try winning over their hearts and minds.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is expected to pay out a $660 million settlement to those sexually abused by clergy. The huge settlement marks the strongest incentive yet for LA parents to take their children to church instead of auditions.

John Edwards and Hillary Rodham Clinton were overheard discussing their hope of limiting the number of Democrats in presidential debates. A spokesman for Dennis Kucinich said the candidate hasn’t felt this left out since his prom night.

Osama bin Laden appeared in a videotape posted on the Internet on Sunday, in which he praises martyrdom and, just to be a dick, talked about the end of the new Harry Potter movie without offering a spoiler alert.

A Plug That Won't Matter Tomorrow

My joke is the Joke of the Week in the current issue of Time Out New York.

The photo was taken by Lisa Whiteman. She knows just how to bring out the pouty in me.

Coney Island’s famed Cyclone roller coaster is turning 80. Even scarier, the hamster powering it just turned 90.

Hugh Hefner's life is set to become a feature film. At this time, no one is signed on to play Hef, though several thousand actors have expressed interest in playing the role of his penis.

A spokesman for Paul McCartney said he will play a "surprise" concert at a Los Angeles record store on Wednesday. The agent also dropped a reminder that Sir Paul is also available for graduations and Bar Mitzvahs.

Rosie O'Donnell says she's will not replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right", though O'Donnell is still in talks to replace the evil clown in my nightmares.

Elwood, a 2-year-old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix, was crowned the world's ugliest dog. Don’t feel bad. They told him it was the World’s Greatest Leg-Humper competition.

Presidential candidate John Edwards returned to the signature theme of "two Americas" from his unsuccessful 2004 White House bid. Advisores felt the theme promoting economic equality struck a cord with voters more so than the theme he later adopted that year, “I’m with Fancypants Horseface”.

The 15-year-old son of two doctors successfully performed a caesarean section birth under his parents' watch in southern India. Most awkward way to learn where babies come from ever.

A lake in southern Chile has mysteriously disappeared. Many speculate the ground simply opened up and swallowed it whole, while a smaller contingent holds fast to the “Al Gore Cannonball” theory.

A new study claims that firstborn sons have higher IQs than their younger brothers. This would explain why throughout their childhood, younger brothers are constantly striking themselves, while their older, wiser brothers ask repeatedly, “why you hitting, yourself? Why you hitting yourself?”

The nation's largest doctors' group wants to have video game addiction officially classified as a psychiatric disorder. Would've been nice two decades ago when I lost everything that was dear to me for Qbert.

Heavy metal band Motley Crue filed a 20 million dollar lawsuit against their manager on Monday, accusing him of "poor career guidance”. Also being sued for poor career guidance? The salesperson that kept selling the band leather pants after they hit forty.

An experimental anti-poverty program in New York is rewarding poor residents with cash for good behavior. This program replaces an older, similar program commonly know as “a job”.

The Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers. So, just to be clear, it’s no longer okay to rear-end thy neighbor's wife.

Tiger Woods’ wife gave birth to their first child on Monday. Sam Alexis Wood was born at 8 ½ pounds and came in at four pushes under par.

A new survey shows Moscow is the world's most expensive city to live in, and interestingly enough, also the most expensive city to be poisoned in.