Bob Barker has endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as a possible successor on "The Price Is Right". Barker says he’s looking for a replacement that would encourage dogs to neuter themselves.

A toddler who was served a margarita at an Applebee's last week is said to be doing well. The four people he hit driving his tricycle home, however, are still in critical condition.

A prescription pill bottle belonging to Elvis Presley was auctioned off for $2,640. Sources say Rush Limbaugh demanded his money back after discovering the bottle was empty.

Iraq is the world's second most unstable country, according to a recent survey. According to a recent President Bush, it’s Candy Land.

Duke University has reached an undisclosed financial settlement with three former lacrosse players falsely accused of raping a stripper. Adding insult to injury, the settlement will be paid out in singles.

Sorry.

Been too busy to write any jokes this week. Not even sure what's going on in the world. Are we still at war with Paris Hilton?

In Pennsylvania, a bear tried to pull a Girl Scout out of her tent during a troop camping trip. The Girl Scout narrowly escaped, but the bear did not, and is marked down for a dozen boxes of Samoas, six boxes of Thin Mints and four boxes of Do-si-dos.


Larry and Laurie David are separating. The couple issued a joint statement saying the split is amicable, with Laurie wanting to spend more time raising awareness of global warming, and Larry wanting to spend more time raising awareness of drafty seats in Los Angles based restaurants.

In light of the ongoing drought, Los Angeles is urging residents to cut down on their use of water. Lindsay Lohan has already generously pledged to shower in Grey Goose until the drought is over.

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released because of a medical condition. Doctor’s are said to be working around the clock to dislodge the silver spoon from Paris’ throat.

A top backer of John McCain’s presidential campaign quit over the candidate’s stance on immigration. McCain’s camp plans to replace the backer with a cheaper backer willing to do the stuff his former backer didn’t want to do.

Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.

Investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene of Lindsay Lohan’s car crash on Saturday. Judge her all you want; at least she can still afford coke after filling up her tank.

Paul McCartney’s video for a track off his new album debuted on YouTube. Unfortunately, Paul says he won’t get to see it, as he does not get that channel.

Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast food chains are suing rival Jack In The Box to stop running ads suggesting they use cow anus to make Angus beef hamburgers. Meanwhile, cows are suing Carl’s Jr. and Hardees for making it sound like their burgers taste better than a cow’s anus.

This year’s top Cannes award, the Palme d'Or, went to Romanian film about abortion. While it was the judge’s top pick, many disturbed audience members exited during the film’s first trimester.

This week, Star Wars celebrates its 30th anniversary. Funny. Doesn’t feel like I’ve been sleeping on Wookie bed sheets that long.

Chocolate maker Mars has reversed its recent decision to use trace amounts of animal products in its chocolate bars after the announcement caused an uproar with vegetarians. The company now promises to use only trace amounts of chocolate in its new Mars Meat Bars.

Last month, US authorities rejected 257 Chinese food shipments due to food safety standards. That must suck. My delivery guy gives me attitude when he has to bike back two blocks because they forgot my dumplings.

A White House spokesman called former president and Bush critic Jimmy Carter "increasingly irrelevant" yesterday. Carter can take solace in the fact that he now holds a place in Bush’s mind alongside the UN, Congress, and reason.

Congressional Democrats plan to pull the plug on abstinence-only sex education when a $50 million grant expires in June. The move has sparked outrage among social conservative groups, whose only hope to prevent sex now is to encourage marriage.

A woman who coached her children to fake mental retardation to collect disability benefits was sentenced to three years in prison on Thursday. Apparently, coaching her lawyer to fake mental retardation did not work out so well either.

The White House and lawmakers agreed today on a sweeping immigration plan to grant legal status to millions of illegal immigrants. They’re letting California join the union!

Former vice president Al Gore says he has "fallen out of love with politics", though he does admit that things between him and Hostess’ cream-filled cupcakes are still going hot and heavy.

Anheuser-Busch said it plans to stop selling its new malt beverage, Spykes, a product that critics claim appeals to underage drinkers. The company says it will still continue to sell beer, a product it is sure appeals to underage drinkers.

The famous island prison Alcatraz has gone under $3.5-million in renovations. Paris Hilton has already requested a room with a seaside view.

For the second straight year, Miami drivers have earned the city the title of worst “road rage”. A little less surprising- Miami was also named the city with the worst “raft rage”.

Popular online social network MySpace said it has identified, removed and blocked "a few thousand" user profiles of convicted sex offenders. Regular pervs, however, can still count as friends.

Author J.K. Rowling appealed to people to leave the ending of the final Harry Potter book as a surprise. President Bush has asked for the same in respect to the war in Iraq.

President Bush has named a senior general to be the first American "war tsar". Lt Gen Douglas Lute is expected to co-ordinate the ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well explain to the President what happened to the “Z” in tsar.

The Bald Eagle population has reached its highest level since World War II, and may soon be removed from the endangered species list. What a relief. Bush was this close to making Harriet Myers our national bird.

Starting today, the defense department is blocking access to YouTube and MySpace to all soldiers serving overseas. In other news, army recruitment just dropped 100%.

Donald Trump became a grandfather over the weekend. The Don was so excited to welcome a new member into his family, he agreed to let the kid slide on staying at one of his properties rent-free for nine months.

At a ceremony marking the 400th anniversary of Jamestown, President Bush directed an orchestra during part of its performance of "Stars and Stripes Forever." After Bush gave back the baton to the conductor and walked away, the concert fell into chaos with the string, brass and percussion sections all battling for control of the orchestra.

President Bush has demanded action on his plan to cut U.S. gasoline use by 20 percent by 2017. Bush is already doing his part; today, he refused to pick up one of his appointees from the witness stand.

A new survey has found that Katrina has dropped off the top one-hundred list of baby names. The only less popular baby girl names today: Browny and Fema.

Singer and activist Sheryl Crow has adopted a baby boy. Not just any baby boy; this kid runs on solar power. 



A new study shows the U.S. divorce rate is the lowest it’s been since 1970. This means only one thing; Liz Taylor needs to start dating again. 



The Motion Picture Assn. of America Filmmakers has decided to consider film depictions of smoking among the criteria for assigning movie ratings. This decision has been rated FR for fucking ridiculous. 



Sources within the Pentagon say that the biggest obstacle for U.S. military recruiters today is parents. Specifically, the parents of Barbara and Jenna Bush.

JetBlue removed its founder and chief executive David Neeleman after major service problems over the last few months. Neeleman’s departure is expected to be delayed between 9 to 12 hours.

Concert-goers attending the Boston Pops were caught off-guard when a fight broke out on opening night at Symphony Hall. Apparently, the season ticket holders don’t want to hear the band do “Freebird” as much as the rest of us.

The stars of "Ocean's Thirteen" have announced they plan to use their film to call attention to the genocide in Darfur. Just what Darfur needs to turn things around; inside jokes between George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Researchers have linked oral sex to throat cancer. Bad news for blow jobs, good news for anal sex.

The United States filed charges of conspiracy against Osama bin Laden’s driver. Also, the CIA released a statement saying they've gotten some hot new leads on the whereabouts of bin Laden’s tailor.

The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville ejected O.J. Simpson from his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, the other customers were uncomfortable with OJ stabbing people with a steak knife while they were trying to eat.

Today in Iraq, Vice president Dick Cheney urged that Iraq's parliament abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting. Tomorrow, Cheney flies back to Washington where he'll try to urge President Bush to abandon plans for a two-month summer vacation while U.S. forces are fighting.

At a Time magazine dinner for the 100 most influential people, George Lucas called Spiderman 3 “silly”. Sources say Jar Jar Binks whole heartily agreed.

Ann Coulter stated that Barack Obama’s lead over Republican presidential hopefuls in the polls could help al-Qaida. She also stated that a good showing by John Edwards in the polls could help Carson Kressley.

At a fundraiser yesterday, Barack Obama told a crowd that 10,000 people had died in the Kansas tornadoes, when really only 12 were killed. Shortly after his inaccurate statement, 9,988 Obama supporters in Kansas killed themselves so he could save face.

Ty Pennington, host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested for drunk driving. Man, this guy will do anything to get community service.

The "CBS Evening News" recorded its smallest audience since 1987 last week. Katie’s not even trying anymore. Last night, her lead story was how her make-up girl sometimes smells like cheese.

The Pentagon has notified more than 35,000 Army soldiers to be prepare for deployment. And that’s just to New Jersey.

ABC has set an end date for its enormously popular show, "Lost." The timeline was then vetoed by President Bush.

A TV station run by Hamas is airing broadcasts of a militant Mickey Mouse preaching for the destruction of the US and Israel. This is not going to make Goofy’s stay at Gitmo any easier.

Today, Queen Elizabeth II will be attending a succession of ceremonies at the White House, including a special white tie dinner. It was said the President agreed to the white tie dinner only after receiving assurance that some black ties would be there too, just so no one gets the wrong impression.

The Queen’s visit will begin with a 21-gun salute, and end with her majesty walking out in a huff after Bush asked if her husband ever hooks her up with free Whoppers.

**

In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, Paris Hilton described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted. Then she requested a cell with a sunroof within walking distance to Barney’s.

Gasoline prices have surged to a record nationwide average of $3.07 per gallon. Gas is getting so expensive, Nicole Richie has vowed to only drive hybrid cars drunk.

An Oregon boy went to the doctor with an earache and found out he had spiders living in his ear. The spiders did not give him any special superpowers, though they did manage to scare away his cooties.

Iran's foreign minister walked out of a dinner of diplomats where he was seated directly across from Condoleezza Rice, saying the female violinist entertaining the gathering was dressed too revealingly. He also wasn’t terribly comfortable with Condi playing footsies with him.

Paris Hilton arrived at court 10 minutes late today for her probation violation hearing, though it really wasn’t her fault; the traffic getting out of her bedroom was ridiculous.

The famous Dodge Charger from "The Dukes of Hazzard" has sold via an Internet auction for an astonishing 9.9 million dollars, which is crazy, considering the doors don’t even work.

If the typical stay-at-home mother were paid for her work for the roles she fills as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among others, she would earn $138,095 a year. And, if she’s still putting out, that figures almost doubles.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is getting Secret Service protection, the earliest a candidate has ever received it. Then again, who knows what Hillary is capable of.

A historian claims to have stumbled upon the identity of Jack the Ripper, the notorious Victorian serial killer who murdered at least five East London prostitutes in 1888. Finally, longtime suspect, Jack Hooker Slasher’s good name has been cleared.

Politicians in the Iraq parliament are planning on a two-month recess this summer starting this July. When he heard about the Iraq government’s vacation plans, President Bush said two can play at this, and sent 2000 more troops into the Green Zone for Spring Break.
Sniper Shots for everyone!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will meet Syrian officials today for the first high-level talks between the two countries in years. Of course, you know when they’re meeting with Condi, they’re thinking of Nancy…

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said more guns on college campuses is not the way to prevent campus violence. This may also be the reason Cheney doesn’t get asked to do a lot of commencement speeches.

Don Imus is planning on suing CBS for $40 million. Though 40 million won’t bring back his radio show, it will enable him to finally ho’ proof his ranch.

Britney Spears performed for the first time in more than three years yesterday, and, just to prove she’s still got it, during her encore she flashed her vag while both her infants crawled around backstage unattended.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been accused of indecency after he publicly kissed the hand of his former schoolteacher. He may have kissed her on the lips too, but he couldn’t pry Richard Gere off her.

A Napa Valley Hotel has replaced the Bible usually found in the nightstand drawer with a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth''. The hotel made the decision after many guests requested something to read that made them feel more doomed than the Bible.

New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine has voluntarily paid a $46 fine for violating state law by not wearing a seat belt during his recent car crash. No word yet if former Governor McGreevy plans on repaying the $79 in tolls he blew off while chasing truckers up and down the Garden State Parkway.

Recently, Ashlee Simpson told Cosmopolitan magazine, "I feel very confident with the way I look". And in the end, isn’t that all that matters after tens of thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery?

The hit Fox show American Idol departed from its usual format last night to hold a charity fundraiser. The evening climaxed with third world poverty getting voted off in heated showdown with AIDs awareness.

Snoop Dogg has been refused entry into Australia because of his extensive criminal record. Also, his entire luggage set was made of NYC Diesel Weed.

Bush is really warming up his veto power; today he vetoed Rosie’s withdraw from “The View.”

A court issued arrest warrants for Hollywood actor Richard Gere and Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty for kissing at a public function. This seems harsh, considering in Hollywood kissing Richard Gere in public is only a misdemeanor.

A new U.S. study shows that intelligence has nothing to do with wealth. Many are questioning the study's methodology, mainly its use of Paris Hilton and a Rubik’s cube.

ABC has announced that Rosie O'Donnell's tenure at “The View” will end in June. Also ending in June: decent ratings for “The View”.

Miss America Lauren Nelson supplied pictures of herself as a 14-year-old to help out a sting operation aiming to catch online predators. Nelson says she hopes her here work inspires young women everywhere to use their nubile bodies to attract men three times their age.

George Lucas and Mark Hamill are reuniting for a special project that spoofs Star Wars. Wasn’t that what episodes I, II and III were for?

Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president in 2008, America will be at risk for another terrorist attack on the scale of Sept. 11, 2001. He says he knows this for sure, because if a Democrat is elected, he’ll personally carry one out himself.

Republican John McCain officially entered the 2008 presidential race. So, just to be clear, all the missteps, blunders and bad sound bites up until now? That was just McCain getting warmed up, baby!

A classic-car broker who swindled actor Nicolas Cage was sentenced to five years in prison. Sadly, no new leads on the guy who sold Cage his hairpiece.

Yesterday, Tony Blair declared that bad driving is a bigger danger to the world than war. Bush must’ve been listening, because today he sent 20 thousand new traffic cops to Iraq.

Hip-hop executive Russell Simmons has recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and the "n" word from the recording industry. Not from the song lyrics, just from the nicknames they give interns.

A mineral recently discovered in Serbia has the same composition as kryptonite. Geologists claim this could answer the age-old question: why has Superman always been such a pussy when it comes to Serbia?

Rep. Dennis Kucinich plans to introduce articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Oh My God... did someone blow Dick Cheney?

A Boston man received over 5,000 calls after posting a video on YouTube with his phone number and an offer to “be there” for anyone. Unfortunately, most of the calls were from an angry Alec Baldwin threatening to come up there and straighten him out.

In light of the Virginia Tech tragedy, Congress may pass limited legislation to help keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. And if that goes well, they may pass legislation to help keep Katie Holmes out of the hands of the mentally ill.

Iran is cracking down on women not adhering to strict Islamic dress rules, arresting those whose coats are too tight, trousers excessively short or headscarves overly loose. Meanwhile, here in America, Nuns have stopped wearing panties.

Former President Russian Boris Yeltsin has died. In other news, Stolichnaya just went out of business.

The US Text Messaging Championships was held over the weekend. A13-year-old girl took home the $25,000 first place prize, which isn’t that much, considering she ran up $23,000 in texting charges during the competition.

Veteran comedian Rich Little will be the featured comedian at this year's White House Correspondents Association Dinner on Saturday. Rumor has it he’s taking off the gloves and is really going to let President Regan have it!

In a new study, researches say that fruity cocktails may count as health food. In other news, Andy Dick was spotted getting really healthy last night at Hyde.

During a stop in South Carolina, John McCain crooned the words "Bomb Iran" to a Beach Boys' tune in a joking response to a question about any possible U.S. attack on Tehran. When asked later what he was thinking, McCain’s campaign manager replied with a cover of “God only knows”.

Oliver Stone will direct a TV commercial as part of a campaign by MoveOn.org and VoteVets.org to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq. It will be the first commercial that takes two hours just to TiVo through.

In Fresno California, a openly transgender student is running for Prom King. Cinthia, who sometimes identifies herself as Tony, faces some tough competition; all her opponents are guys with penises.

BlackBerry service went down across North America from Tuesday evening to Wednesday morning, in period that live on in infamy as, “That time I had to talk to the person I was with.”

In the wake of Don Imus' firing, a number of high-powered music-industry executives met privately in New York City to discuss artistic expression, misogynistic rap lyrics, and who gets to sign Sanjaya.

Preparations to sedate as many as 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert have enraged Serb animal lovers. So far, no one’s protested Keith Richard’s preparations to sedate himself in Belgrade.

**

A young minke whale that has drifted off course and wound up in a small bay off Brooklyn beached himself and died tonight. He will be missed, and then he will be gutted and converted into 1600 sf luxury apartment.

Experts said they were surprised to see anything that big come to New York that isn’t wearing a fanny pack and asking “which way to ground zero?”

Dave Chappelle shattered the Laugh Factory's endurance record by taking to the comedy club's stage for six hours and seven minutes on Sunday. In other news, Carlos Mencia just came up with six hours and seven minutes of new material.

Sources say John Edwards spends $400 on his haircuts. Someone please tell Edwards that Supercuts is taking him for a ride.

Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson told a Jewish group that earning money is "part of the Jewish tradition." Part of the Thompson tradition: not getting any of that Jewish money for his campaign.

**

Hugh Hefner has contributed $2,300 to Hillary Clinton’s’08 campaign. Hef said it was the most money he’s ever given a woman he did not want to see naked.

Hillary took the contribution, explaining her campaign was young and needed the money.

A new study shows students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not. Still, if you enroll in sexual abstinence programs, your chances of bedding a virgin are better.

A powerful storm soaked the East Coast over the weekend and into Monday. In some areas, streets were flooded so severely only Barack Obama could walk on them.

Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya ran through heavy winds and rain to win the Boston Marathon today. Coming in a close second? A salmon.

Two diaries written by Anna Nicole Smith in the early 1990s failed to sell at an auction this weekend. It appears, with Anna, people only want to read the early stuff.

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her during an AIDS-awareness event. To be fair, they reacted the same way when “Autumn in New York” was released in India.

After 11 years of marriage, Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are officially divorced. Who knew my Heather Locklear poster would outlast two of her marriages… while hindering any possibilities for one of my own.

The City Council in New York City approved a bill that would make it a misdemeanor to secretly videotape movies in a theater for illegal sale. Those caught could face possible jail time, while those caught taping any new Woody Allen films will get a stern lecture about the laws of supply and demand.

MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson will be hosting a game show pilot for CBS. The show’s working title is “Who wants to be yelled at by a guy wearing a bow-tie!”

Scientists have found the gene that makes you fat. Turns out it was hiding between Rosie O'Donnell's chins the whole time.

Researchers at the Zoo Atlanta are studying the cognitive skills of two Sumatran orangutans by observing them play computer games. I can hear the parents talking to their children now: "Sweetie, look at the monkeys in their natural habitat...playing Snood."

One week after his racist remarks outraged the nation, CBS has fired Don Imus. Sure, we’re off the hook, but his wife still has to wake up with Imus in the mornings.

Despite being fired, Imus continued his radio-thon this week, raising over $1.3 million to help feed Al Sharpton.

**

A recent installment of "Katie Couric's Notebook" consisted mostly of passages lifted verbatim from a recent Wall Street Journal column. Katie says she had no idea the passages were plagiarized and immediately fired her teleprompter.

The U.N. is looking into using NYC police in its peacekeeping missions. Finally, someone to take down those double parkers in Darfur.

Due to budgetary concerns, Sen. John McCain is cutting some of his campaign staff. The first ones to go: those who show up to work wearing “Obama 08’”pins.

Today, presidential candidate John Edwards took a shift at a nursing home, helping to dress, shave and feed elderly residents. It was nice to see him treating John McCain so kindly.

Facing a contempt of court citation, the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire surrendered to federal marshals yesterday. His bail has been set at 35,000 beads.

Prosecutors dropped all charges against the three Duke lacrosse players accused of sexually assaulting a stripper. The players celebrated by sexually assaulting the prosecuting attorney with a lacrosse stick.

DNA testing has proven Larry Birkhead to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Howard K. Stern will, however, remain her legal sponge.

Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson will serve as judges on an upcoming show aimed at finding a family of singers. According to the show’s rules, only two of the family members must exhibit any talent to win.

MSNBC has suspended Don Imus for two weeks for his controversial remarks. For politically incorrect jabs and cranky political commentary during his absence, please tune in to your completely out of touch, racist grandfather.

Martha Stewart packed her billionaire astronaut friend a gourmet lunch consisting of duck breast confit and semolina cake with dried apricots. This should help NASA determine the effects of getting your ass kicked at zero gravity.

Al Gore is taking his "Live Earth" rock concert to New Jersey. Great place to raise awareness about climate change; good luck seeing Bon Jovi through the smog.

A new report shows there were 736 UFO sightings across Canada last year. Hey, UFO’s can get lost, too.

"American Idol" contestant San jaya Malakar is officially more popular than Harry Potter in terms of yahoo search terms. Even more popular than searches for “San jaya Malakar”? Searches for “Who in God’s name needs to know more about San jaya Malakar?”

Thanks to heavy snowfall, the Cleveland Indians will have to play their next scheduled home series against the Angels in Milwaukee's Miller Park. Al Gore is set to throw out the first explanation.

Things keep getting worse for Imus. Yesterday, he was overheard calling the Easter Bunny a “fluffy headed ho’”.

Of the 2008 presidential candidates, only Republican John McCain has been to war and served in uniform. It should be noted, however, that Mitt Romnehy once won that carnival game where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth back in ‘82.

Apple Inc. has sold its 100 millionth iPod in just over five years. Apple celebrated the milestone by releasing its 100 millionth version of the iPod.

At 102, a California woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course. Then she became the oldest golfer to drive her golf cart into a tree three times and into a lake once.

The Walt Disney Co. is now allowing same-sex couples to participate in its popular Fairy Tale Wedding program. This change in policy begs the question: Who was getting married in this Fairy Tale Wedding program before?

The final season of "The Sopranos" begins this Sunday. Out of respect, New Jersey has cancelled Easter.

The newly released British sailors said during captivity in Iran they were blindfolded, bound and even worse, repeatedly exposed to the American version of “Coupling”.

In an interview with Rush Limbaugh, Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of Al-Qaeda’s links to Saddam Hussein's Iraq.
Can we agree that this guy’s bullshit has aged as gracefully as Barbara Bush?

During her visits to Saudi Arabia, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack of female politicians. Saudi officials then asked translators why the fair skinned prostitute is speaking when not being spoken to?

According to a mathematician who applies math to real-life situations, the New York Yankees will win a whopping 110 games this season. He also predicted Derek Jeter will bed eight supermodels, four actresses and one R&B singer before the All-Star break.

The director of the FEMA has promised that it has transformed into a premier disaster response engine and is now fully prepared for the 2006 Hurricane season.

Employees at a Quiznos in downtown Chicago were stunned when a coyote walked into the sandwich shop. Even more surprising: he didn't order the roadrunner sub on rosemary parmesan bread.

Larry King says he hopes to stay at CNN for ten more years. Of course, by then the show’s name will have been changed to “Larry King. Barely Alive.”

Barack Obama came close to matching Hillary Clinton’s $25 million raised this year. Meanwhile, John McCain was spotted in Denny’s parking lot siphoning gas so the Straight Talk Express bus could make it across town.

In Alabama, a woman riding horseback rammed into a police car and was charged with driving under the influence. Police confirmed she was ‘out of control drunk’ when she blew a .230 into the horse.

A fired Wal-Mart worker claims he was part of a sophisticated surveillance operation that included snooping on Wal-Mart employees, critics, and stockholders.
Hmm…note to self: check new stonewash blazer for bugs.

Some good news for Brits; Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says all 15 British naval personal will be released. Also, some good news for Bush; Syria has agreed to keep Nancy Pelosi!

In his upcoming book, the Pope writes that rich countries have mercilessly plundered and sacked other poor regions for profit. The title of the book: “How I got this 40 pound solid gold bling around my neck.”

White House adviser Karl Rove was confronted by protesters blocking his car and throwing things at him after a speaking engagement at American University.
Seriously, former U.S. attorneys don’t have anything better to do?

A Swedish couple is locked in a court battle to name their little girl "Metallica". Swedish authorities claim the name is not suitable for a little girl, and besides, she looks more like a “Motorhead”.

KITT, the black Trans Am of Knight Rider fame, is up for sale. It’s recommended that anyone with interest should act now while its still got that new David Hasseloff smell.

Nine GOP White House hopefuls will participate in a May 3rd debate.
The subject of the debate; how fucked are we?

Today, President George W. Bush said he took climate change “very seriously”, which is his way of saying he dresses in layers.

Keith Richards has acknowledged that he had snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. Richards said he regrets his actions, and wishes he could go back and mix dad with heroin.

Los Angeles is going through its longest dry spell in at least 130 years.
It’s so dry in LA, Kevin Costner’s WaterWorld 2 just got green lit.

Iranian state radio has reported that all 15 British sailors and marines being held captive have confessed to illegally staging the Holocaust.

An Iraqi singer won the Arab version of "American Idol", receiving a whopping 7 million votes. When hearing this, Arab leaders everywhere asked, “Wait- you can get that many votes without calling for the destruction of Israel?”

U.S. evangelical Christians are embarking on a new campaign to end modern slavery around the world, unless, of course, that slavery is to the dogma of evangelicalism.

In a recent speech, potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich equated Spanish with "the language of living in a ghetto". Great way to lose an election and your hubcaps.

The creator of the "Girls Gone Wild" video series is planning on opening up a chain of restaurants under the same name. It promises to be the perfect restaurant for anyone who’s ever wished their Applebee’s waitress was drunk, underage and wearing a wet t-shirt.

After eight seasons, Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd" is ending.
I wish I could believe this. I really do.

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry told an interviewer that after her divorce she tried to take her own life. And after that failed, she made “Catwoman” in an attempt to take her own career.

Pop star Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their divorce. Federline will walk away with 1 million dollars and Britney will retain full ownership of the voices in her head.

Today, President Bush apologized for the shoddy conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and promised the problems will be fixed in time for the war with Iran.

American Idol fans were baffled after another round of voting left the clearly less talented Sanjaya Malakar still standing. And this is shocking to a country that put George W. Bush in the White House why?

15 new first-class stamps featuring Star Wars characters were issued yesterday, finally giving Stars Wars fanatics what they’ve always wanted: the chance to lick Princess Leia.

A new marine policy bans any extra-large tattoos because they say it’s harmful to the Corps’ image. That’s right, there’s nothing more gauche than breaking the neck of an enemy with your old lady’s name inked on your forearm.

In election news, the Rev. Jesse Jackson has announced he will cast his vote for Barack Obama, the National Organization for Women has thrown its support behind Hillary Clinton, and the family of Dennis Kucinich finally came out for John Edwards.

At the Annual Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, White House advisor Karl Rove took the stage and performed a rap. This was followed by Lil’ Jon taking the stage and having eight US attorneys fired.

Oprah Winfrey announced her next book club selection is Cormac McCarthy's "The Road", a dark tale of a post-apocalyptic father-son journey. When hearing this, Oprah’s fans asked, “ um…can we get back to books about the universe giving us shiny things when we wish for them?”

The world's tallest man married a woman from his hometown nearly half his age and more than two feet shorter. He gains a wife; the Guinness Book of World Records gains a new “world’s most awkward couple”.

Burger King has stated that it will no longer buy eggs and pork from suppliers that confine their animals in cages and crates. Not to be outdone, McDonald’s has announced that all its eggs and pork will now come from food summer camp!

Two of Anna Nicole Smith's diaries have been sold for more than $500,000. It’s being said the diaries may hold the answer to the burning question that has vexed Smith's fans for years; did she have any coherent thoughts?

A pro-cannabis advocacy group says marijuana is not kosher for Passover, and advises Jews who observe the holiday to take a break from smoking weed. Of course, even if pot was kosher, good luck trying to satisfy your munchies with Matzah and gefilte fish.

Rapper Eminem and his ex-wife Kim have reached a court agreement to stop insulting each other in public. After the agreement was reached, the two remarried so they can insult each other in private.

The MySpace page of presidential candidate Senator John McCain was hacked today. When informed, McCain promptly demanded to know what MySpace is.

Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million. The crash marked Griffen’s first million dollar plus wreck that didn’t co-star Rob Schneider.

A male panda at a northern Thailand Zoo was exposed to images of panda porn to encourage him to mate with his partner. The plan seems to have worked, though the panda will now only initiate intercourse while pretending to be a bamboo delivery guy.

Jessica Simpson showed up in a Mexican border city to donate a new minivan to an orphanage. Angelina Jolie showed up minutes later, filled up the minivan, and drove off into the sunset with nine new children.

In a 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric, presidential candidate John Edwards told voters they shouldn't support him out of sympathy. Katie then reminded viewers that it’s totally cool with her if they watch the CBS Evening News out of sympathy.

Using human organs and cells, scientists have created the world's first human-sheep. Over the weekend, the sheep hung out at Starbucks and discussed American Idol with friends.

Authorities released the results of Anna Nichole’s Smith autopsy. Who knew she enjoyed cat food so much?

Sir Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday at Madison Square Garden with a special appearance from Bill Clinton. Hillary did not make the show, though her presence was still felt during Elton’s performance of, “The Bitch is Back”.

A new study says doctors who listen to different heart sounds on an iPod can improve their ability to detect a problem. The study also showed that doctors who listen to different Heart songs on their iPods improve their ability to go craaaazy on you.

The Miss USA pageant takes place tonight. For those not familiar with this pageant, think “Girls Gone Wild” in sashes.

A Japanese real estate mogul is handing over eight mansions to homeless families. Wow. Imagine going from being homeless to living in a 24-room mansion without electricity.

A new report shows that college students are facing higher prices for birth control, prompting concerns that more girls entering college will put on that dreaded “freshman 7 pound, 5 ounces”.

Three New Jersey shoplifters made off with nearly $12,000 in women's underwear from a Victoria's Secret store. Even more stunning was the employees’ belief that the thieves would call them sometime.

Rudy Giuliani's wife made a shocking revelation that he’s not her second husband, but her third. Rudy then made the shocking revelation to his wife that he’s running for president, and now might not be the best time for shocking revelations.

After having sexual contact with a dead dear, a 20-year old Wisconsin man has received probation and the distinguished honor of being the only man alive that pedophiles can look down on.

Al Gore went in front of Congress yesterday to insist that the ‘planet has a fever’, or, as Republicans prefer to call it, a ‘pain in the ass.’

A senator’s proposal to honor Justin Timberlake in his home state of Tennessee has been rebuffed by fellow politicians. Poor Justin. If only he were popping ludes by the fistful and tagging 14 year-olds.

Wal-Mart has announced new initiatives to recognize performance among its employees. Sounds like someone’s getting a free refill on their fountain soda in the employee cafeteria...

Iranian President Ahmadinejad is expected to arrive in NYC late Friday. In exchange, New York is sending Iran two delusional megalomaniacs to be named later.

A new dating site called HotEnough.org makes prospective members submit pictures to qualify for membership- perfect for those hopeless romantics who don’t want to wait until the first date to feel the sting of rejection.

Britney Spears has been released from rehab. Spears said her stay in rehab allowed her to reflect on what’s really important to her in life, whatshisname and whoseherface.

Lisa Nowak, the former astronaut fired by NASA after trying to kidnap a romantic rival has a new job developing flight lesson plans for the Navy. So far, every lesson plan involves flying into the living room of that cheap hussie he left you for.

It’s been announced that Paul McCartney is the first artist signed to Starbucks’ new record label. Dunkin’ Donuts is still in talks with Ringo.

In a recent speech, John McCain warned against the spread of socialism. Then he announced his candidacy for the 1954 presidential election.

Saddam Hussein's former Vice President was hanged for crimes against humanity earlier today. You know you’re irreverent in Iraqi politics when your hanging doesn’t even make YouTube.

After Dark Films is pulling advertisements for its movie "Captivity" featuring images of the abduction, torture and death of a young woman. Unfortunately, the studio is replacing its controversial movie ads with something even more offensive; ads for the movie “Norbit”.

By midseason, the San Francisco Giants' AT&T Park will be the first Major League park to use solar power. Upon hearing this, Barry Bonds asked how he can get some for himself and where does it gets injected.

A new study shows that cosmetic procedures are on the rise. Then you look at Rosie O’Donnell, and you think, not nearly enough.

Today was the unveiling of the Grand Canyon Skywalk, a walkway that lets visitors look straight down to the canyon floor. Next week, the Skywalk will open to the public, and for $80 you can see how many overweight tourists it'll take to break a glass floor suspended over a 4000 foot ditch.

In hopes of reaching out to prospective voters, a number of presidential candidates have created their own MySpace page. And no, adding Barack Obama does not mean you now have a black friend.

For the first time in two decades, Jeopardy ended in a three-way tie. It was the first Jeopardy to end in any type of three-way since Trebek shaved the 'stach'.

Google has announced it’s developing its own mobile phone. Leave it to Google to streamline stalking and harassing your ex.

YouTube has announced that it will hold the first Video Awards to recognize the best-user created videos of 2006. Critics say the category for “Guy with a camera and too much time on his hands” is to close to call.

A new report says that about one-third of the people living in the nation’s capital are functionally illiterate. Someone put on a sock puppet and relay this to the President, please.

The northeast is getting blasted with one more winter storm, with meteorologists predicting up to five feet of JetBlue customers sleeping at their gates.

Time magazine hits newsstands today with a new look. Hoping to attract the Web generation, each Time magazine cover will now feature a different influential world figure, pantyless.

A Wikipedia entry falsely claimed that Sinbad was dead. Chalk another one up to that rascally Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Production has begun on a fairy tale featuring Walt Disney Studio's first black princess. The “Michael Jackson Story” should hit theaters summer ‘08.

In an interview with 60 Minutes, Simon Cowell says he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen, though admittedly, he knows when he hears “boo”, they’re not saying “Simon”.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to the planning the September 11th attacks. Pentagon officials say Mohammed also confessed to plans on attacking the Sears Tower and the Empire State Building, assassinating Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and the Pope, and, if there was any time left, letting all the air out of Ashton Kutcher’s tires.

A new study shows that some birds use another bird as a “wingman” to score a mate. The primary aim of a wing-bird is to make their alpha friend appear attractive, virile and to keep him from flying home with the bloated pigeon after a night of striking out with the hot little finch.

A new report shows substance abuse on is on the rise on college campuses. Even more reason for kids to stay in school.

In Nebraska, two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside, hospitalizing them all. Many pointed out the victims were left defenseless thanks to Nebraska’s strict water spritzer control laws.

A new study suggests that sleep deprivation may lead to clouded moral judgment. I’ll say this; Bush looks good for a guy who hasn’t slept in 7 years.

The banana company Chiquita said it has agreed to a $25 million fine after admitting it paid a Colombian terrorist group for protection. Hmm... do you really need a terrorist group to protect you from hungry monkeys?

President Bush arrived back from Latin America today. He says he was treated with such warm hospitality over there that he wants to give something back... so he’s deporting Alberto Gonzales.

A New York City restaurant is charging $1000 for a pizza. Now, why would New Yorkers pay $1000 for a pizza when they can use that money to pay for 12 hours of parking?

Lindsay Lohan’s father has been released from prison. Michael Lohan told reporters he’s changed his ways and will now remain completely sober while sponging off his daughter.

Game show host Bob Barker has a chance to win his 18th Daytime Emmy…and a brand new car!!!

According to a new poll, President Bush's job approval rating has sunk to below zero. The White House was quick to point out that together, Bush and Cheney’s approval ratings still equal a positive.

Iranians are reportedly furious over the portrayal of the Greco-Persian wars by the blockbuster movie “300”. Also, they felt “Zodiac” was a worthwhile effort, but in the end meandered on with no real payoff.

In New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton described past Republican political malfeasance in the state as evidence of a "vast, right-wing conspiracy." Upon hearing the infamous term, former President Bill Clinton looked down just to make sure he wasn’t getting blown.

Fashion designer Marc Jacobs has entered rehab. Friends suspected Jacobs was relapsing when the only material he would use in his Spring collection was hemp and coca leaves.

A new report shows that exercise boosts brainpower. Excluded from this study: the gorillas at my gym.

Osama bin Laden turned 50 years old over the weekend. Never one to forget, President Bush sent the al Qaeda leader a dozen empty threats.

Arriving in Columbia this weekend, the President was greeted by angry rioters and massive protests. Bush told Columbian leaders that with that kind of treatment, he’s got a good mind to take his county’s cocaine buying habits elsewhere.

Chinese lawmakers want to remove Starbucks from Beijing's famed Forbidden City, saying its presence was a smear on China's historical legacy. Also, they don’t appreciate the adapted size denominations, “Minuscule”, “Small” and “Yao Ming”.

Halliburton is reportedly moving its corporate headquarters from Houston to Dubai. Apparently, there wasn’t enough space in Cheney’s back pocket.

Envoys from Iran and the U.S talked directly for the first time in 28 years. So far, both countries have agreed that the fat kid with the curly hair has a good shot at being the next American Idol. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.

Former House Speaker, Newt Gingrich has admitted to having an extramarital affair during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Shortly after Gingrich’s confession, former President Bill Clinton admitted to having an affair during Gingrich’s confession.

Eddie Van Halen has entered rehab. Rumor has it that he’s already looking to replace his lead counselor.

In anticipation of his imminent divorce, a German man used a chainsaw to cut his house in half. Sadly, it looks like he and his wife will share joint custody of the family dog.

The producers of "The Sopranos" were denied a permit to film in this North Jersey town because the mayor thinks the show negatively depicts Italian-Americans. Now there’s one New Jersey mayor clearly out of touch with his constituents.

Parents in Raymond County, Indianapolis are in an uproar over two middle school students having sex during shop class. After all, shop class is not for making love- it’s for making bongs.

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards has stated he won't be participating in a debate co-hosted by Fox News Channel. And really, who can blame him; Fox was promoting the debate as “Fey and Balanced”.

A number of the new George Washington dollar coins were mistakenly issued without the inscription, "In God We Trust." Officials say they’re are still okay to use, though in the end they’re all going to coin hell.

A man who once weighed well over a half ton left his house for the first time in five years yesterday. The man says he’s learned his lesson, and this time out he’ll be buying a ten-year supply of Twinkies.

**

Marvel comic book legend Captain America has been shot dead. He is survived by his wife, Big Oil, and his children, Uninsured and Half-retarded.

Lesser-known Marvel comic superhero, Col. Naked America has called dibs on his suit.

A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against the two doctors responsible seeking the cost of raising her child. The doctors were close reaching a deal with the woman, until they starting adding up what the costs of therapy might be for a “failed abortion”.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was officially fired by NASA today. Though no longer employed with NASA, officials have made it clear there’s no need for Nowak to turn in her diapers.

Rosie O'Donnell says she treats her depression by hanging upside down while swinging side by side for a half an hour a day. The swinging isn’t part of the therapy; that’s just to avoid the stake her View co-hosts are trying to drive through her heart.

Three major companies have requested their ads be pulled from Anncoulter.com. Lucky for Anne, the site will still implicitly advertise attention-seeking jackasses.

A Georgia man won half of the $390 million jackpot, the richest lottery prize in U.S. history. The big winner quit his truck driving job and will start his new position as the guy you suddenly hate, effective immediately .

Jerry Springer will be the new host of “America’s Got Talent”, marking his first hosting job where the guest’s sole talent is not shouting obscenities at a studio audience while proudly wearing a belly shirt three sizes too small.

Today, a jury found Lewis "Scooter" Libby guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury. The former aid to Dick Cheney could face up to 25 years in prison, where he'll get to go down for a whole new group of powerful men.

Jenna Bush is writing a book about a teen mother in Central America with AIDS. Though the book covers a serious topic, Jenna has assured her father it will be written on a Presidential reading level.

PETA shot off a letter to Al Gore explaining that the best way to fight global warming is to go vegetarian. Al Gore responded by eating three members of PETA.

At an auction of movie memorabilia, the brown hooded cloak worn by Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars" sold for $104,000. The excited auction winner said now all he needs is the light saber, and the fate of his virginity will be safe once again!

Over the weekend, thousands of stargazers watched the first eclipse in over three years; Bill Clinton appeared in public with Hillary.

Conservatives are trying hard to distance themselves from Ann Coulter after she called John Edwards a ‘faggot’. Ted Haggard even went as far to give Edwards a $2000 campaign contribution and his private number.

After going to the hospital for stomach pains, a 420-pound woman was surprised to learn she was in her third trimester of pregnancy. The father was shocked as well, but more so over having had sex with a 420-pound woman.

Police in Texas discovered a video of teenagers forcing a 2-year old and a 5-year old to smoke pot. The confiscated video cuts out right before the stoned toddlers went on a late-night Playdo run.

The authority of proper manners and creator of the annual list of best-mannered cities, Marjabelle Young Stewart has passed away. She will be remembered with a chorus of burps and farts her friends and family have been holding in for forty years.

Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese child. In other news, Brad Pitt just ran Angelina Jolie’s passport through a shredder.

The Florida teenager who has been hiccuping for five weeks straight has finally stopped. The library where she was found bludgeoned to death will be closed pending an investigation.

North Dakota is repealing a law in which unmarried couples who live together in the state are considered criminals. Now couples who live together in North Dakota will only be considered unlucky.

Warner Bros. is developing a movie based on the lives of Valerie Plame and Ambassador Joseph Wilson. As of yet, the White House has not leaked a director.

A radio station has bailed Bobby Brown from county jail in exchange for the R&B singer’s agreement to work for them for one week. The radio station said if Brown proved popular with listeners, they’d consider bailing him out of jail on a regular basis.

Last night on the CBS' Late Show With David Letterman, John McCain announced he is entering the 2008 presidential race. McCain then did a segment called "Stupid Candidate Tricks", in which he supported the troop surge in Iraq.

YouTube has announced that Presidential candidates will be posting videos on YouTube to communicate their stand on the issues. Hillary Clinton has already called the screen name, “lonelycandidate15”.

A new report shows China's population grew by almost 7 million people last year- and that’s even before they checked the dumpsters.

Lawmakers in Ohio want convicted sex offenders to have special license plates. This seems to be getting more traction than the earlier plan to make them more identifiable by forcing them all to drive ice cream trucks.

A woman in a town near Naples was suprised when she found a World War II hand grenade in a sack of potatoes she bought at the local market. The woman was even more surprised when one brave potato threw itself upon the grenade to save dinner.

In an interview with Extra, Naomi Campbell says she’s using the healing powers of crystals to work through her anger issues. Campbell stated, “crystals bring great energy, and, when thrown with the right amount of velocity, can really remind the help who the boss is.”

The New York City Council is poised to pass a resolution today that would symbolically ban the "N-word". The ban will not be enforceable and carries no penalty, though it would alter the script used for the Kramer Reality Tour.

Today, Prince Charles said banning McDonald's fast food was the key to a healthy lifestyle. Then he went back to eating his steak & kidney pudding.

Guests attending a party for the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue may have been exposed to acute Hepatitis A. Now you can’t even ogle at SI swimsuit models without catching something.

A sorority at Depauw University is being accused of discrimination after kicking out 23 members who were either minorities or overweight. Under heavy scrutiny, the sorority was quick to point out they still have an open door policy when it comes to anorexic skanks and easy drunks.

A group is claiming that Al Gore’s mansion consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year. In response, Gore pledged to only recharge himself using solar power.

A US watchdog group has accused chain restaurants with encouraging Americans to overeat. Apparently, not everyone is fan of Applebee’s new Deep Fried Edible Menus.

The Dow Jones took a devastating plunge today. Things got so bad, for the right price, Suze Orman was ready to unload her virginity.

The judge presiding over the Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial has dismissed one of the jurors. Sources say it was the one who kept making a case for Libby being buried in the Bahamas.

On a visit to Afghanistan, a Taliban suicide bomber struck the main American military base where Vice President Dick Cheney was staying. It was the first attempt on Cheney’s life that his own heart didn’t initiate.

Last Night’s 79th Annual Academy Awards were completely green, with organic cocktails, Leonardo DiCaprio arriving in a Toyota Prius, and Joan Rivers wearing a 100% biodegradable face.

Martin Scorsese finally got his due, winning best director for his mob epic "The Departed". Unfortunately, as the band started playing him off with “Gimme Shelter”, Scorsese instinctively gave his Oscar statuette two in the back of the head.


**

Iran has successfully launched its first rocket into space, claiming it was for research purposes. Apparently, Iran is researching how much shit they can get away with before starting World War III.

The Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery. They said they would have apologized sooner, who’s got the time when you have to harvest your own tobacco crops.

A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager told reporters he believes his decades of sexual abstinence has attributed to his longevity. Wild guess: those sexless decades include the last three.

The release of Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album has once again been postponed. With years of setbacks and no end in sight, Axle is now changing the ablum's name to “Iraq Democracy”.

In between rehab visits, a raging Britney Spears attacked the paparazzi's car with an umbrella. Somehow, this led to the arrest of Sinead O’Conner.

Fox’s hit "American Idol" announced the opening of its first children's summer camp. Let’s hope it does better than ABC’s disastrous "Camp Lost”.

In Columbia, two clowns were fatally shot during a circus performance. The victims’ families ask, in lieu of flowers, to please send flowers that squirt water.

Donald Trump is making plans to be buried in New Jersey. Sources say it’s the only state willing to let Trump build a 72-story tombstone.

It’s being reported that Britney Spears left rehab just one day after checking in. Sources say she now only needs two more holes punched in her Patient Loyalty Card to get a free visit.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates says he had to set strict limits on the time his daughter spends on the computer. That’s right. Bill Gates is uncomfortable with his daughter monopolizing the Internet.

The executive producers of "American Idol" have been hired for this year’s Emmy Awards. So, do you think you have what it takes to be the next Sound Editing For Nonfiction Programming Idol?

**

Vice President Dick Cheney has said Britain withdrawing troops from Iraq was actually good news. Now if only Bulgaria would jump ship, we’d have this thing licked.

Denmark has announced it will also be withdrawing its troops from Iraq by summer. You know this war is not going well when the only other country willing to stick it out in Iraq is Iran.

The legal battle over where to bury Anna Nicole Smith is still dragging on. On the upside, the longer it takes, the more likely she’ll be able to squeeze into a size four casket.

Sirius Satellite Radio and XM Satellite Radio are planning to merge. Tough week for Howard Stern; first he gets engaged, and now Oprah’s moving in.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that British troops will soon withdraw from Iraq. To make the transition smooth, President Bush has ordered all Americans troops arriving in Iraq to speak with a British accent.

JetBlue Airways has issued a customer bill of rights. Thankfully not included; the right to bear arms.

Researchers have found that worrying about how you'll perform on a math test may actually contribute to a lower test score. Another main contributor to low math test scores: numbers. Big, scary, confusing numbers.

In a ceremony outside of George Washington’s home yesterday, President Bush likened the revolutionary war to the war on terrorism. Then things got really weird when Dick Cheney rode by on horseback proclaiming, “The terrorists are coming! The terrorists are coming!”

A reality show is coming to Spike TV in which amateur detectives try to solve real-life homicides. Victims’ families can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that attention-starved reality show contestants are on the case.

If Hillary Rodham Clinton wins the presidency, some Democrats want her husband to serve out her unexpired Senate term. While flattered, Bill says he’s not rushing back into politics until he’s 100% horny enough.

Police discovered the mummified remains of a Long Island man sitting in front of a blaring television set. The news gave hope to marketers looking for ways to reach the illusive dead and gone demographic.

Doctors are close to sending home the Florida baby delivered only 21 weeks after conception. Doctors are calling the baby a tiny miracle. The mother is calling it it her favorite new key chain charm.

Today, the country celebrates President’s Day. Congress didn’t forget either; they all chipped in and got President Bush a nonbinding bouquet of roses.

JetBlue announced it would be canceling nearly 25 percent of its flights today. The airline issued an apology and asked that customers find other creative ways to not go anywhere for eleven hours.

Over the weekend in New Orleans, Mardi Gras revelers got to see actor James Gandolfini of The Sopranos lead one of the parades. You know the guy driving that float was a little nervous starting ‘er up.

**

The media is abuzz about Britney Spears shaving her head. At this point, it’s hard to tell whether her career will ever grow back.

The salon possessing Britney’s hair said it would sell it and donate the money to charity. Britney’s loss is Kevin Federline’s gain.

A doctor removed two moles from the President’s left temple today. The doctor said the moles were benign, but did express some concern about the Congress developing on his back.

Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote control, has died. A private ceremony is scheduled for Adler, where he will be buried between two couch cushions.

North Korea Kim Jong Il celebrated his 65th birthday today. Jong enjoyed a traditional birthday party, complete with presents, cake and a clown making ballon warheads.

Madonna is now saying she wants to be like Gandhi. Nicole Ricci says she just wants to be his dress size.

Al Gore's documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," has become Paramount's single most profitable release. The success of the film has Gore in talks for a sequel, "An Inconvenient Truth 2: Attack of the Drone".

Al Gore has announced a series of concerts to focus on the threat of climate change. Some of the acts billed are Sheryl Crow, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and ironically Bon Jovi, whose hair grooming habits in the eighties sort of got us into this mess in the first place.

The Hershey Company has announced they’re laying off 1,500 workers, as the country continues to absorb the impact of Anna Nichole’s death.

The U.S. Mint has launched a new $1 coin featuring George Washington. It’s kind of like the discontinued Sacagawea dollar, but less likely to be mistaken for a Skee-Ball token.

A new movie about disgraced pop duo Milli Vanilli will soon be shot. The movie promises to reveal everything that the “Milli Vanilli Behind the Music” did, but take a 1/2 hour longer to do it.

A salmonella outbreak linked to Peter Pan peanut butter has made over 300 people ill, proving choosy mothers choose Jif, while mothers who hate their children choose Peter Pan.

The Bush administration plans to allow about 7,000 Iraqi refugees to settle in the United States over the next year. The Iraqis will be welcomed with flowers, candy and taxpayer’s disbelief.

Paula Abdul told Us Weekly that she’s never been drunk. The American Idol judge claims the camera always adds about 10 vodka tonics.

An association of blind Americans has warned that cars with hybrid engines are too quiet for pedestrians. To address their concerns, hybrid carmakers have promised to equip each vehicle with Rosie O’Donnell.

Beyonce will appear on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and finally reveal what’s beneath all those layers she’s been hiding behind.

Today, the northeast experienced an onslaught of sleet and snow. The inclement weather made it virtually impossible for people to get around to buy chocolates, flowers or even a simple Valentine’s Day card for their loved one. At least that’s my excuse.

In a new videotape, al-Qaeda's No. 2 said President Bush was an alcoholic and a lying gambler who wagered on Iraq and lost. Not his words; he was just reciting lyrics from a new Dixie Chicks song.

Lawyers for Scooter Libby say Vice President Dick Cheney will not testify in their client’s perjury and obstruction trial. Sources say they wanted him to, but couldn’t find a Bible willing to sworn upon by Cheney.

British pop star Robbie Williams has entered rehab for drug addiction, and being gay. Okay, the gay part isn’t true, but it’s really hard to get into rehab these days just for a drug addiction.

A new study shows a chemical in male sweat can boost mood, brain activity and sexual arousal in heterosexual women. It also doesn’t hurt if that sweat is worked up from carrying around large sacks of money.

The Navy announced they may be deploying anti-terrorism dolphins to protect submarines and ships at a Washington state military base. President Bush says if that works out well, he’ll promote the dolphins to guard vital sites on land.

Four years after being shunned by the country music establishment, The Dixie Chicks marked their triumphant return last night, receiving five Grammy Awards. Letting bygones be bygones, President Bush is calling it the biggest comeback since the Taliban’s rise in Afghanistan.

New Mexico will soon have talking urinal cakes that deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar patrons. The state hopes the special urinal cakes will cut down on the number of DWIs, while increasing the number of intoxicated men who think their talking penis’s are looking out for them.

Upstate New York is getting pounded with record snowfalls. They’ve gotten so many inches up there, Hillary Clinton has to travel with a snowplow just to backpedal around.

Oscar nominee Eddie Murphy’s new comedy, "Norbit", took in $33.7 million at the box office over the weekend, leading to the question: how much of a killing would "The Aretha Franklin Story" starring Eddie Murphy make?

A British woman had a diamond ring made from the ashes of her departed cat and dog. The woman says now, whenever she feels lonely, she can look down at the ring and realize she’ll be that way until she stops accessorizing with dead pets.

Russel Crowe cut his rugby league club's entire cheerleading squad. The star complained they detract from the game, but mostly, they just cheered liked a bunch of girls.

A Snickers commercial aired during the Super Bowl has been pulled after complaints that it was homophobic, while a General Motors ad featuring a robot dreaming about jumping off a bridge is catching heat from the suicide-prevention groups. In other words, it was not a good Superbowl for gay Bears fans contemplating suicide.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the Bush administration is trying to soften its tone with Tehran. In fact, Iran will now be referred to as part of the “Axis of not so bad once you get to know them”.

A new report has concluded that a Pentagon office’s pre-war intelligence work linking up Iraq and al Qaeda was not illegal, but “inappropriate”. So, it was kind of like farting at the dinner table, if that fart helps sell a long, bloody and unpopular war.

Airline tycoon Richard Branson is offering a $25 million prize for the first person to come up with a way of ridding the atmosphere of greenhouse gases. President Bush upped the ante, saying anyone who gets rid of greenhouse gases gets to explain to him what green houses gasses are.

A Chicago man has made good on his promise to change his name to “Payton Manning” if the Colts beat the Bears in the Superbowl. At least the man made out better than his wife, Marvin Harrison.

In New York, legislation is being proposed that would slap anyone listening to their iPod while crossing the street with a $100 fine. If you’re caught crossing the street listening to a Discman, the state will buy you an iPod.

A Thai woman has been reunited with her family after being lost for 25 years because she took the wrong bus. Apparently, the woman mistakenly got on the bus destined for “The Land of People Who Never Heard of a Map.”

Barbra Streisand is giving money to three Democratic presidential candidates. She would have given money to all of them, but she's not one to hedge her bets.

Celine Dion will unveil her new song at this year's Oscars. The producer’s are going to let her start singing it every time someone’s speech goes over 45 seconds.

After a scandalous affair with the spouse of a veteran aide, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said he plans to seek counseling for alcohol use. And if that works out, he’ll then seek counseling for tagging other men’s wives.

A minister who counseled disgraced Rev. Ted Haggard said he’s emerged from his treatment "completely heterosexual". Haggard himself also claims to be cured, and is even boasting from here on out, it’s only heterosexual male prostitutes for him.

Wal-Mart is facing the biggest sexual discrimination case in U.S. history. Finally, a stand is being taken against Wal-Mart’s policy against hiring anyone even remotely doable.

Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other. Experts speculate they must have had one hell of a fight to have to hug and make up for that long.

Jim Carrey says he and his ladylove, Jenny McCarthy, aren't planning to get married. Insiders say the couple is skipping right to planning the divorce.

An astronaut is under arrest after attempting to kidnap the lover of a fellow astronaut she was having an affair with. The victim knew she was in trouble when the kidnapper whipped out a roll of duct tape and started counting down from ten.

In a statement, a NASA spokesman said there are no rules against fraternizing among astronauts, though they are getting tired of cleaning the ceilings of the Space Shuttle.

**

Reports show that since the Mark Foley page scandal, interest in joining the program is on the upswing. In other news, the Catholic Church has just recruited Mark Foley into the priesthood.

Turner Broadcasting is paying the city of Boston $2 million for its ad campaign that caused a terrorism scare. Half the money will go to agencies incurring extra security costs, while the other half will be used to educate the public on the dangers of blinking cartoon characters.

New studies show regular pot smokers who quit do experience some withdrawal symptoms. The most common withdrawal symptoms users face include irritability, trouble sleeping and the inability to find the humor in reruns of Green Acres.

Today in Chicago, with the wind chill it feels like 30 degrees below zero. Now Chicago residents have two good reasons to burn Rex Grossman in effigy.

Over the weekend, an Atlantic City woman playing the slots gave birth on the casino floor. Sadly, she then lost the child in a very high stakes game of Texas Hold‘em.

Today, President Bush asked Congress for $700 billion in new military spending. In other news, all the remaining residents of New Orleans have joined the military.

A new study shows that most people still don't have e-mail relationships with their doctors. Some reasons cited for this include patient confidentiality issues, hours of uncompensated labor for doctors, and a high degree of difficulty in diagnosing patients by way of emoticons.

In Hollywood, a Chewbacca impersonator was arrested after being accused of head-butting a Hollywood tour guide. The lesson here: tour guides should not dress like Stormtroopers.

The wife of "Grey's Anatomy" star Patrick Dempsey has given birth to twin boys. "Grey's" co-star Isaiah Washington immediately questioned what the two were doing naked in the womb together for that long, and called them both little queers.

The Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to boost the federal minimum wage by $2.10 to $7.25 an hour over two years. Soon, the country’s minimum wage workers will be able to take their families on that bus ride they’ve always dreamed of.

President Bush said to help fight the costs of obesity, people should get outside. Don’t you see? He’s trying to use global warming to melt fat people!

Defense Secretary Robert Gates firmly stated that the US is not planning for a war with Iran, though he says the administration has not ruled establishing false pretenses for one.

A new report shows that surfing the net has become a favorite pastime among the elderly. See, you’re never too old to enjoy a little porn.

Fear swept through Boston yesterday over suspicious devices that turned out were advertising props for a Cartoon Network show. Still, it was the worst cartoon-inflicted scare Boston’s experienced since the Great Smurf Threat of ’82.

Today Sen. Joe Biden begins celebrating “My Presidential Aspirations are History” month.

A college student who told police she had been raped was jailed for two days after officers found an old warrant for her arrest. Victims rights groups are calling the arrest an outrage, while the arresting officers insist it was consensual.

The Eagles are near completion of their first album of all-new music in nearly 30 years. Apparently, the Greatest Hits well is dryer than Joe Walsh’s mouth after a 4-day bender.

Liberal comedian Al Franken is running for Senate. His advisors are doing their best to steer him away from his preferred campaign slogan, “If you don’t vote for me, you’re a big fat idiot”.

According to AskMen.com's Most Desirable Women of 2007 survey, Beyonce Knowles is the Men’s No. 1 fantasy girlfriend. Coming in a close second, any woman other than men's actual girlfriends.

Sales of Microsoft Vista got off to a slower than expected start. How slow? Purchase one now, and Bill Gates will come over and install it for you.

A new report says that scientists are getting closer to an aircraft the size of a bee. A spokesman for lazy bees said “we can’t wait”.

A California-based company is developing pain relief drugs that you can smoke to get faster results. The drugs will be marketed toward people who want instant pain relief with an air of sophistication.

A naked student streaked through his school cafeteria before being shot twice by police with a stun gun. Students say it was the grossest thing they’ve seen since they looked up from their lunches.

A World War II veteran claimed a Powerball jackpot worth more than a quarter-billion dollars. The man says he plans to spend the rest of his days storming the beaches of Boca Raton.

A new report says U.S. scientists were pressured to tailor their writings on global warming to fit the Bush administration's skepticism. This may explain the scientists’ curious findings that greenhouse gas emissions cause smiles on puppies.

Miss Oklahoma was crowned Miss America on Monday night. It was the second year in a row that a Miss Oklahoma won the crown, leaving many to wonder whether the state is on the verge of its most vapid dynasty ever.

A New Jersey school is planning on administering random alcohol tests to its students. As if the drunk kids weren’t failing enough tests.

On Thursday, the Eiffel Tower's lights will be turned off for five minutes to promote energy conversation. Americans will do their part as well this Thursday, by turning off their TV sets as soon as the OC comes on.

The comedy spoof "Epic Movie" debuted atop the box office over weekend, overwhelmingly beating out hope for an American public with taste.

Hillary Clinton says she believes President Bush should find a way out of Iraq before he leaves the White House. Bill’s not as demanding; he just wants the ceiling mirrors back up in Lincoln bedroom.

A new survey shows 13% of Americans have never heard of global warming. The survey also shows that 100% of those unaware of global warming have never been stuck in an elevator with Al Gore.

Obama Barack recently explained his first name means ‘Blessed’ in Arabic. Unfortunately, it means “fucked” in red states.

A 12-year-old boy became the world’s youngest person to get a sex change. Really, he just wanted a new bike, but figured he should start big, and negotiate from there.

A molecular scientist in North Carolina has developed caffeinated donuts. The scientist boasts they’ll go great with his other invention, fried cigarettes.

New York City plans to give away free condoms with subway maps printed on them. City officials expect the novelty condoms will lower the cases of STDs and drastically change the way New Yorkers give tourists directions.

Record low temperatures have hit New York City on Friday. Just to give you an idea of how cold it really is; the polar ice caps have rented a place in Tribeca.

Today, House speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced visit to Iraq. Pelosi claims she just needed a few days away from all the strife and chaos.

A 10-year-old director is reportedly suing a woman who helped finance his movie for creative control. The young director said he tried to avoid a lawsuit, but threatening to kick her ass after school just wasn’t working.

On Wednesday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez said that ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro is recovering and is "almost jogging" in recent days. Um…Hugo, when it looks like they’re “almost jogging", it means they’re having a stroke.

Military officials unveiled their newest weapon; a ray gun that shoots beams of heat…because that’s what you get when you give George W. a new box of crayons and ask for a prototype.

In an interview, Sen. Barack Obama said he doesn't think name recognition is necessarily a plus. To prove his case, he’s changing his name to Tom Vilsack.

A recently departed Texas woman left $4 million to a nursing home. Good luck getting a seat at the next BINGO game there.

In Sundance news, the controversial movie “Hounddog," has thus far failed to attract any buyers. Though worried, the film’s producers are still holding out hope for a bidding war between Gary Glitter and John Mark Karr.

Today, Senator John Kerry bowed out of the presidential race. Kerry’s spokesman issued a statement saying, while not in the running, the Senator will still be doing his part to ensure a Republican victory in 2008.

Video footage shows John McCain falling asleep during President Bush’s State of the Union. McCain defended himself, saying he was just resting his eye rolls.

The Netherlands is airing a dating program for the visibly disfigured. The show is titled, “How I Met Your Monster”.

Happy Birthday to Misha Barton, who turned 21 pounds old today!

A new Web site is selling Paris Hilton belongings.
Sorry, the Gucci kneepads have already been sold.

In his first State of the Union address since Democrats took control of Congress, President Bush is calling on Americans to cut their consumption of gasoline, support the war in Iraq, and get Nancy Pelosi to stop making the jerk off motion behind his back while he’s giving his State of the Union speech.

College students around the country are turning tonight’s State of the Union into a drinking game. The rules are, every time Bush says something that makes you want to forget we’re stuck with him for another two years, drink!

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According to leaders of the cult-like religion, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology. Well, at least we know his second coming will have a bigger budget and more action then the first one.

A 3-year-old was kicked off an AirTran Airways flight for throwing a temper tantrum. After the incident, the airline officials are now considering arming pilots with “time outs”.

Kazakh border guards arrested a man trying to smuggle 500 parrots in his car from Uzbekistan. Border guards grew suspicious when they heard 500 voices repeat back to them, “What’s in the trunk…squuaaak!!!! What’s in the trunk”.

Yesterday, a woman nine months pregnant induced labor early so her husband could go to the Bears game. After the game, her husband immediately called her and asked if she could stretch the contractions until February 5th.

Amsterdam's red-light district will soon have a statue honoring prostitutes around the world. The statue will be unveiled as soon as it sees the money.

On Sunday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called the U.S. secretary of state "my little girl" and told Washington to "go to hell". It’s all part of Chavez’s effort to turn his country into a professional wrestler.

The diverse list of Presidential hopefuls continues to grow, with Bill Richardson vying to be the first Hispanic President, Barack H. Obama the first black president and Tom Vilsack the first President no one’s ever heard of.

Today, is “Blue Monday”, the most depressing day of the year. Of course, "Your Dreams Are Dead Wednesday" is no picnic, either.

New research shows that playing video games can satisfy deep psychological needs, particularity if those psychological needs include jumping over barrels and beating up hookers.

A 9-year-old year boy snuck onto a Southwest Airlines flight to San Antonio. News of the security breach was worrisome for authorities and encouraging for midget terrorists.

An expert on the "Mona Lisa" says that the symbol of feminine mystique died on July 15, 1542. Cause of death: overexposure.

Today, the top American commander in Iraq said that some of the extra troops ordered to Baghdad could begin leaving by late summer. He says that should give the troops enough of a breather before we invade Iran.

Donald Trump has been fined for flying a large American flag atop an 80-foot flagpole in his lavish Palm Beach club. In Trump’s defense, he only hung the flag there because Rosie O'Donnell wasn’t available.

In September, NBC will add a fourth hour to the "Today" show. In response, CBS announced they will be add a fourth minute of substance to its Evening News with Katie Couric.

This morning, Los Angeles saw a rare dusting of snow. Man, God’s really not going to make this whole ‘cleaning up’ thing easy on Lindsay Lohan, is he?

President Bush has decided not to renew a program of domestic spying on terrorism suspects, though he insists he’s still going to keep close tabs on that Borat guy.

The scientists who mind the Doomsday Clock moved it two minutes closer to midnight. Then they watched the America Idol premiere and moved it up another forty minutes.

Ratings for this season’s premiere of American Idol were even better than last year. The show’s producers celebrated by drinking Paula Abdul.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have moved to New Orleans and plan to send their three children to school there. The couple’s children have issued a joint statement saying, “The other shoe has dropped”.

Yesterday, Donald Trump got a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. It was a big day for The Don, as his hair got a star of its own in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.

Health experts are warning women that carrying an oversized handbag may pose serious health risks. That risk is doubled when the handbag is full of Twinkies.

The burly security guard on "The Jerry Springer Show" is getting his own talk show this fall. The debut show will feature people who enjoy getting manhandled by new talk show hosts.

Sen. Barack Obama launched a presidential campaign on Tuesday that would make him the first black man to occupy the White House, though not the first President to enjoy a little junk in the trunk.

Makers of the tropical island drama "Lost" say they're talking with ABC executives about setting an end date for the series. President Bush stepped in to say an end date for the show wasn’t wise for America, and ordered 20,000 more castaways to the island to help defeat The Others.

Today, an Iraqi government official hung a picture on his office wall. The picture was hung crooked and Sunnis vowed revenge.

Three nights of freezing temperatures have destroyed up to three-quarters of California's $1 billion citrus crop. Even worse, Governor Schwarzenegger broke his other leg trying to ski down the frozen crops.

On Monday, "Ugly Betty" won two Golden Globe Awards to prove you don’t have to be beautiful to make it in Hollywood, as long your homeliness is acknowledged somewhere in your name.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has pleaded guilty to assaulting her housekeeper by throwing a mobile phone at her. Miss Campbell was sentenced to five days of community service and will now be required to have collision insurance on her cell phone.

Miss New Jersey USA is stepping down after admitting she is pregnant, which is against pageant rules. Mr. Camaro could not be reached for comment.

Earlier today, Saddam Hussein’s half-brother’s head was severed during his execution in what Iraq officials are calling a rare hangman’s blunder. Iraq citizens will get to decide for themselves when it airs later this week on Iraq's popular program “Bloopers and Botched Chokes”.

A male Panda in a Thailand zoo has been put on a low-carb diet because he is too heavy to mate with his partner. Come on! This guy’s on the verge of extinction and now he’s got to go on South Beach to get a piece?

According to sources, LA bound soccer star David Beckman has his eyes on an acting career. See, rest of the world; even $250 million can’t take the “bore” out of soccer.

Yesterday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he is taking only "a little bit" of medication to ease the throbbing pain in his leg. He says he’s limiting his doses so he doesn’t slur his speech, forget what to say, or do something crazy like promise health insurance to everyone in California.

A chocked up President Bush shed a tear yesterday during a solemn ceremony honoring a fallen Marine. The moment was unusual, as Bush usually only cries when someone takes away his Congress.

Yesterday, Bindi Irwin, the 8-year-old daughter of the late "Crocodile Hunter", followed in her dad's footsteps in her American television debut. Luckily, the goldfish sting was not fatal.

An Ohio dentist had his license suspended after state investigators accused him of drinking on the job. Authorities grew suspicious when the dentist started anesthetizing patients with scotch and soda.

In less than 15 years, China will have 30 million more men of marriageable age than women, making 15 years from now the best time in China’s history to be an ugly chick.

An Air Force staff sergeant who posed nude for Playboy magazine has been relieved of her duties. Fortunately, she still gets to be saluted, just not with hands.

Kohl's and Target have halted sales of board games like “Drinko” and “Keg Pong” that encourage players to drink alcohol. In protest, fans of the games took a shot every time one was pulled from store shelves.

The ban of sales of the games was bought on by a letter writing campaign by the activist group Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America, or B.U.Z.Z.K.I.L.L.

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The U.S. government has found Canadian spy coins that track your movement. Officials worry that the Canadian government now knows that we spend years on end lingering in coin jars and car ashtrays.

MySpace.com will officially launch a French version today. It will mark the first time large numbers of the French are assembled in one space without anyone wanting to open a window.

David Beckham is coming to the US to play soccer for the LA Galaxy. Upon hearing the news, LA residents were thrilled to learn they had a soccer team.

Today, President Bush plans to announce that he will send about 20,000 more U.S. troops to Iraq. And if that doesn’t work, Bush says he’s open to ignoring other proposals.

A man was bitten by a Scorpion during a United Airlines flight to Vermont. The man is said to be doing fine, but the Scorpion is complaining that the airline lost his luggage.

Weeks after his death, James Brown's body has still not been buried. The same cannot be said of Tomi Rae Brown’s sanity.

Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. were elected to the baseball Hall of Fame on Tuesday, while Marc McGwire secured a spot signing glossies alongside Pete Rose at a Ramada Inn baseball card convention in Passaic, NJ.

Yesterday, Apple unveiled it’s new iPhone, a sleek mobile phone, camera, music player and Web surfing device. Company founder Steve Jobs promised the state of the art iPhone will "revolutionize" the way technology confuses people.

Yesterday, a powerful, mysterious smell of gas wafted through much of Manhattan and parts of New Jersey, forcing building evacuations, a temporary suspension of commuter train service, and a field day for morning DJ’s with an itchy “fart sound effect” finger.

Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking plans to travel to space by 2009.
There, he hopes to discover life that sounds like him.

Yesterday, Civil rights activist Al Sharpton stated he is seriously considering a run for president, saying "I don't hear any reason not to". Sharpton then put his hands over his ears and walked away repeating loudly, “la la la… I don’t hear any reason not to… la la la la…I don’t hear any reason not to… la la la…”.

**

Van Halen was ushered into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Monday.
Congratulations Gary Cherone!

Van Halen’s induction is a long time coming, and should spur more rumors of a Van Halen reunion, reawaken bitter feuds, and make us all nostalgic for the days when we could wear zebra print spandex and not look like a zebra.

Rapper 50 Cent’s G-Unit books are set to launch this month. According to a statement, the novellas will tell the truth about the sex, guns and cash of the players on the streets, but are in no way meant to glamorize reading.

Momofuku Ando, the inventor of Ramen noodles, has died. Bereaved relatives say his death seemed so instant.

Record breaking temperatures hit the east coast over the weekend. It was so pleasant outside, Al Gore switched parties.

Magazine publisher Time Inc. may cut up to 150 jobs, setting off intense speculation over who will be Time’s Magazine’s 2007 Laid Off Persons of the Year!

A subway train derailed Sunday near downtown Washington, sending 20 people to the hospital, and proving you can have a train wreck in the capital without Bush behind the podium.

An Australian bank issued a credit card to a cat after its owner decided to test the bank's identity security system. The man proved his point, the bank apologized, and the cat pawed at its $25,000 ball of cashmere yarn.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan had surgery to remove her appendix, and replace it with a slimmer, sexier one that knows how to work the camera.

Since the box office hit “Museum” debuted, there’s been a steep rise in the number of people visiting New York’s Museum of Natural History. On the rise since the release of “Rocky Balboa”: senior-on-senior violence.

A woman is suing Oprah Winfrey's studio, alleging she was injured in the rush for seats. In other news, a woman is suing Megan Mullally’s studio alleging she was injured in the rush away from seats.

A new report shows that 167,000 new jobs were created last month. Of course, most of them were in the “Handling Britney Spears” sector.

Toyota is developing a system for its cars that detects drunken drivers and automatically shuts the vehicle down if sensors pick up signs of excessive alcohol consumption. And if the car sees Tracy Morgan approaching, it self-implodes.

Today, Rep.-elect Keith Ellison will be the first Muslim to ever be sworn into Congress. Ellison told colleagues that religious differences are nothing to fear, which is fine, but he then went on to ask Speaker Pelosi to “ease up on the skin show”.

It’s being reported that the filming of the next "Indiana Jones" will begin later this year. In the movie, Indy battles Rocky Balboa over the last packet of Sweet ’N Low.

The Whitehouse claims President Bush has not seen the video of Saddam Hussein's execution because he is focused on the "way forward" in Iraq. Plus, he never really gets foreign films.

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said God told him that a terrorist attack on the United States this year would result in "mass killing", and, on a lesser note, not to forget to pick up his shirts at the dry cleaners.

CNN apologized Tuesday for mistakenly promoting a story on the search for Osama bin Laden with the headline "Where's Obama?". Even more embarrassing was Hillary Clinton’s promise to capture him dead or alive.

Today, Gerald Ford will be buried in his hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Finally, our long national funeral is over.

"Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" will be airing through at least 2012. What is “_nough Alr_ady”?

Riled up over U.N Security Council sanctions, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed to humiliate the United States. Oh, so now he thinks he can do Bush’s job?

A number of mobile home owners in Florida are refusing to sell to a developer who’s ready to make them instant millionaires. And that’s the kind of sound financial decision-making that makes up a trailer park, folks.

A new study suggests that women who exercise by doing housework can reduce their risk of breast cancer. Best study since they discovered giving head cures migraines.

Sunni Muslims expressed outrage over the amateur footage circulating of Saddam Hussein’s death, to which Michael Richards commented, “you call that dying?”

Producers of 60 minutes said they have no plans to replace Ed Bradley. Unfortunately, they also don't plan to replace Andy Rooney with someone who isn’t just discovering that cell phone rings can be annoying and dog-sweaters are unnecessary.

Avis customers may soon have Wi-Fi in their rental cars. Just what people need: more things to distract them from their cell phone conversations.

Oprah Winfrey opened a school in South Africa for disadvantaged girls. The state of the art school promises to expose its students to such literary classics as The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Moby Dick and Dr. Phil’s “Relationship Rescue.”

Today, the nation said goodbye to Gerald Ford, and Lindsay Lohan said hello to Betty Ford.

According to a new poll, one in four Americans anticipates the second coming of Jesus in 2007. Good. If he comes back, he can stay on one of their couches.

A 67-year-old Spanish woman became the world's oldest mother after giving birth to twins. The twins have already agreed to take turns diapering their mother.

A Colorado couple is selling snow from the recent blizzards on eBay. How adorably innovative. I’ll start the bidding at one eye roll.

It's being reported that Britney Spears passed out at a Las Vegas Night club celebrating New Year's Eve. Apparently, all the exhilaration of trying to count backwards from ten really wiped her out.